When you realize you will never heal 100%

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've been doing a lot of reflecting and realized that I am never going to heal and my small community will never look at me the same.  Everyone here says "silence is the best" yet all i want to do is scream... .to grab people and say can't you see?  But they never will, I will forever be labeled a monster... .and now that she has it dating the popular "doctor dad" she continues to spread her victim story to a whole new audience... .more people now whisper and look away when they see me... .parents that for years would talk to me at my kids games no longer do... .the silence is deafening and the knowledge that her lies only gain more traction is painful beyond description.  I wake up in the middle of the night every night and think about being robbed of my home, my life savings and the perception of me in my community... .I wake up every morning and refect on the same... .do the same at work and head home and reflect on the same thing... .as I wrote this in my local coffee shop two more more people who used to talk to me walked right by ignoring my presence... .this is somehow now my destiny... .to have to be somehow ok as the villan... .to be ok being hated and thought of as an abuser... .that is now my life... .

NS

[NewStart]

I've been doing a lot of reflecting and realized that I am never going to heal and my small community will never look at me the same.  Everyone here says "silence is the best" yet all i want to do is scream... .to grab people and say can't you see?  But they never will, I will forever be labeled a monster... .and now that she has it dating the popular "doctor dad" she continues to spread her victim story to a whole new audience... .more people now whisper and look away when they see me... .parents that for years would talk to me at my kids games no longer do... .the silence is deafening and the knowledge that her lies only gain more traction is painful beyond description.  I wake up in the middle of the night every night and think about being robbed of my home, my life savings and the perception of me in my community... .I wake up every morning and refect on the same... .do the same at work and head home and reflect on the same thing... .as I wrote this in my local coffee shop two more more people who used to talk to me walked right by ignoring my presence... .this is somehow now my destiny... .to have to be somehow ok as the villan... .to be ok being hated and thought of as an abuser... .that is now my life... .

NS

[MeandThee29]

That's tough. Moving might be your only way to feel free and whole.

I experienced that as a child, and then as an adult living in the same town. Once someone saw a man coming out of my place in the morning, and the talk escalated. It was my brother who had grown out his hair to his shoulders. He had come for breakfast at my place before heading back to college.   

[NewStart]

Moving might be your only way to feel free and whole.

I moved to my community in 1991 and chose it specifically for what it had to offer, to raise my boys here and had my "lifetime home" to retire in... .I will never move... .plus I can't afford to as remember she took my home and 1/2 my life savings and at 50 I don't think I'm ever going to regain that financial piece.

At this point it just seems there are no questions that will ever really be answered... .it was so well executed, was she BPD/NPD or was it all a perfect act to grift me out of my home and money?  Either way to be at the point of the spear of a sociopath... .no one will every understand what I went through and how she continues to turn the screws from a far... .is my silence viewed as guilt?  Even if I wanted to, how could I even tell my story when at this point I can't even fathom what happened?

If she doesn't exhibit the same behaviors again... .if no one ever sees first hand the same behaviors I experienced, that same cruel abuse... .no one will EVER believe me... .

This woman would punch me, kick me spit on me... .then be so nice to me at the neighborhood BBQ in front of everyone... .then tell me one the way home, "you know I hate your F&*%$g guts don't you?"

She told me after sex, BTW I was thinking of someone else... .she would call me the most horrible names, berate me in the most ugly ways... .all behind closed doors with no one to witness the abuse... .always reeling me back in and being SO kind in public... .she would be SO cruel and would say, "come on now, put on your big boy pants and divorce me!"... .at that point she already knew what she stood to gain from me financially... .she just became more and more cruel... .more and more manipulative all to drive me to say no more I want a divorce... .and at that point she knew she won and the smear campaign went into high gear.

I mean she was SO good and obviously still is, she went so far as to get her and her children all new phone numbers while we were going through our divorce and tell people it was because I was tracking her and sending abusive messages etc?  She relished the whole process, she even told me that when she was done with me I would be scrapping together the last of my pennies and crawling into sh&%$hole apartment with my boys, I bet they'll love that... .

And the list goes on and on... .and now she and her children live in my boys and my home, they've bought two new cars, she's dating the handsome doctor... .and me, I live on the edge of town and I'm viewed as some sort of monster... .

Sorry to bi$%# so much, but I'm exhausted from waking up everyday telling myself "you're OK, everything will work out... ."  when I know I'm far OK and probably never will be... .

NS

NS   

[once removed]

please dont think im doubting you here, im just trying to get a better understanding of what youre going through.

what makes you think that she is recruiting people against you? are you seeing or hearing more than people looking away from you that used to speak to you? can you tell us more?

[Pretty Woman]

New Start,
  You have the power to control those feelings.

BPD relationship or not, there will ALWAYS be people who dislike us in this world, people who bash us for no reason, people who smear us. Does that mean we cannot heal from our experiences? No. You have control of this.

Someday I hope you will see others perceptions of you don't matter in the greater scheme of things. Are these your best friends? Your family and loved ones?
Probably not, right?
 It hurts because you know you are a good person. You want these people to see that and unfortunately that is something you have no control over.

Focus on what you DO have control over, friend. YOU. Reframe the experience.

I understand how you feel. I work in an office where I have been slandered here to next Tuesday. It was so bad a year ago, it went all the way to my boss. You want to talk about embarrassing. I work with my ex's sister. We used to be friends. She's threatened me and for the most part I just avoid her. There are days I beat myself up wishing I never dated this person because it has affected other key facets of my life, my financial livlihood... .
but you know what?

I keep my head up. I am kind to others, compassionate. For every hater I have, I have more people who love and respect me... .whether at work or my private life.

You have a choice. They "win" only if you let them. When you show it isn't affecting you, they find other targets. Your inner strength is something they cannot take from you.

This is a true story. We give waaaaay too much thought and care to these folks that don't like us, than we do to those who have been there, supporting and lifting us up the whole time. I can guarantee they are not plotting against you to the extend you have built up in your head.

I have lived through this example of haters eventually finding a new target. Last year one of my former best friends accused me of stealing from her at work. HR had to get involved. I've been here 10yrs, it was very, very embarrassing.

Long story short, a year later she is coming to my desk trying to engage in gossip about other people. She also told me if I am ever missing a package (our mail room often confuses us by our initials and delivers my stuff to her) I am welcome to go into her cubicle to retrieve my packages.

Is she nuts? This person took me to HR over theft I am NEVER stepping foot in her cubicle. Ever.

After that happened (the initial incident) I felt horrible. We had a falling out about something stupid and she cut me off. Her family cut me off, everyone. She wouldn't allow me to speak (which in itself is emotionally abusive). She was going to be right and she was going to persecute me without a jury or trial. So I focused on work, I made new friends. She saw this, she saw me get promoted and amped up the crazy for about six months... .gathered some of my haters to form a posse and talk about me. I ignored her. It hurt like a MF'r but I went about my business.

There are days she stops by and says, "Remember when" or "I was thinking about you the other day"... .

I let her talk (I sit between her dept and HR) but I keep it short and resume my work. I am professional but I won't let this person who caused a lot of damage return as a key player in my life. No. Way. In. Hell. This was my best friend of eight years mind you, and the closest person to me at my job.

Let people talk badly about you. Keep doing what you are doing, being a good person. When they don't see you sweat they might try other tactics... .keep posting here and working on YOU. Eventually they will leave you alone. I promise you that.

PW

[happendtome]

Hi Newstart, im sorry to hear all of this. I was watching your profile and found out that you have been here since 2009. So thats 8 years.

Looking back now, can you say, why did it took so long to come to this final point? You probably had good reasons for staying, no doubts, but have you thought about this? Take time and peace for thinking this through.

Its something we all should do once in a while. It will show us that no matter what, its still better to be without them than with them. Even now, when you lost so much, you still won something. You are free from her. This is really big thing.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, NS, I went through the same thing and you're right, it's no fun.  The mothers would avoid talking to me at my son's Little League game.  Old friends avoided me at school events.  I felt like a pariah.  Yet none of those so-called friends had any idea what it was like behind closed doors with my BPDxW.  Nor could they, because it was so far out of their realm of experience.  I have no particular advice for you except to remind yourself of the truth and to stand by it.  You did nothing wrong and are not the bad guy.

LuckyJim

[NewStart]

I could answer every question... .try to make sense of it... .say I'm a good person... .but these people end our lives... .and no matter what I say now... .my life is over... .she took it all... .

Be well,

NS

[once removed]

I could answer every question... .

give it a try. it will help us better support you and offer advice.

[vanx]

NewStart, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I would feel the same way if I felt ostracized by people around me. I did just want to point out that I think some of your wording is pretty strong. I am wondering if you are telling yourself often that things will never get better? I don't think you have to sugar coat ot or pretend--of things are crappy right now then they are! But when you're in the thick of it and you don't feel well, it's hard to imagine anything good, and your thoughts can keep you stuck.
I truly don't believe this is your fate or destiny forever. If I can give my advice, just based on some of the things I notice you telling yourself, would be to think a little smaller. Okay, let's not aim for 100% today, but what about smaller increments?
I truly understand the pain of other people not seeing the other face of your ex. You may well feel alone, but I assure you we here get it, so count on us for that reflection.

[patientandclear]

NS—I was around here reading your posts before you met this delightful lady, when you were recovering from another painful relationship. I do think objectively this person inflicted real damage to you and your kids. No doubt about it. I relate to “realizing you aren’t going to heal 100%.” I don’t think I will ever be fully healed either. Somehow what the BPD person I loved did doubled down on some existing damage I’d already sustained in a way that may be too much too entirely recover from. That is possible. I’ve made my peace with that possibility.

Perhaps only by accepting your feelings of being horribly treated and taken advantage of, will you be able to clear some emotional space for little tendrils of joy that eventually will try to surface again. There WILL be good. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now. But there will be good, even beautiful things, in your future that she didn’t take. And even if we don’t entirely heal, life can be good and meaningful again.