How do you move on after divorcing a BPD husband after15 years

[Afterdivorce]

I still can not believe that I left in April and it is now December...   was it really me who left?  I loved him so, or so I think.  At the end of the first year, i was already tired of unpredictability and drama. It must have been love that kept me for so long.  Or maybe the fear of being alone? Or both.  Or that this was already a second marriage and I just had to make it work.

I always knew intellectually that something was wrong with him.  He hit his forehead when he disagreed, yelled and often beat his older child  from his first   First marriage. But when he was kind, oh he was so loving.

 I used to think bipolar.  He’d get upset over a messy pantry and would tell me I’m “good for nothing” or “we can end it tomorrow”. He would get upset over the puppy having had an accident on carpet and hit the puppy.  On the other hand, on a good day, he would tell me that he has never loved a woman as much as me and make me soup when I came down with a cold.

Sometimes he would be silent for no reason and would not say why.  He made rules that if not obeyed, lead to yelling and screaming on his part. I remember telling him that when he yelled, I could not hear the words, just the yelling.  I always wanted to leave, but he was the one who threatened to leave... .

One day I told my GP about all that I tolerated. She said, « you need to see what is wrong with you that you tolerate all this”. She referred me to a therapist, who convinced me that she could not help me, unless I removed myself from the situation.   I left in Aril.

 I thought he will come after me. He learned that he can use my health insurance and came to my door and told me that he sees no reason for continuing the marriage.  We divorced in July.

In the last two years of the marriage, I felt I was being used. He was with me not for love, but rather for my pension, generosity of heart, forgiveness, ability to always laugh things off, and most important to him - my health insurance.

Why is it taking me so long to detach emotionally, even though I KNOW that he was not well?  How can I put this completely behind me and make him just someone that I knew?   Has anyone else had a similar experience?

[Turkish]

15 years is a significant portion of your life.  You grew together. Giving yourself some grace to have time to detach will be hard.  Think that 15 years warrants time.  I can't say how much time,  but this is fresh enough to grant yourself some space to work things out.  You'd gotten used to one reality for so long.  Who else in your life do you have for support?

T

[Mutt]

Hi Afterdivorce,

Why is it taking me so long to detach emotionally, even though I KNOW that he was not well?

I’d like to echo Turkish, 15 years is a long time it’s going to take time. Everyone’s healing journey is different from one person to the next a common goal is detachment.

It’s only been a few months if you look at the big picture. Many of us knew that there was something that didn’t jive with our exes, he was someone special to you, maybe you looked past that? Maybe you thought that he would see the light one day?

Healing and detachment are not a race, it’s a process where compassion, validation and time are key.

[Afterdivorce]

Thank you.  Yes 15 long years is an even longer time than 15 years!  I have close friends and a very close brother and mother and the most loving daughter.  No one gets it. To all,he was very different, below me in every way ( education, family, kindness, everything) and to them, I was always either escaping (traveling to my home country)or celebrating when he was away. So they don’t understand why it is hurtful to me, now that I am free in my beautiful townhouse which I bought and renovated all on my own.   And honestly I don’t understand why I feel this void either... ..   When he was good, he was the best.  And the Dont or can’t even see that either.  So it’s me and my reading And my therapist and my newly adopted dog. 

Tell me please, is everything that I’ve described about him, indeed a borderline? Cause he was never diagnosed... .but years ago when I spoke with a therapist, he suggested I t read Walking on Eggshells. And that’s how I began to suspect that he had BPD. But conveniently decided to deny it.  It was really after moving out that I seriously studied BPD. 

Have others had extreme loving moment and rages when they said something that the husband did not like or agree too... .did the partner always threatened to leave?

[flourdust]

Hi, AD, and welcome! I'm in a similar situation -- married about fifteen years, separated for the last year and a half, and moving slowly through the divorce process. My own healing process (which may not be your path) has gone through phases. I'm just letting the feelings and revelations come as they will.  I'm just trying to be mindful of them to see what I learn. I recently decided to explore dating and quickly figured out that as much as I liked the abstract concept of having a companion, the mechanics of searching were unappealing. So, I'm not ready for that. Where do you feel you are in the process? What kind of feelings are you dealing with now?

We can't diagnose your ex, but I can say that it's more helpful to look at the behaviors than the label. He was violent toward his kids and pets (that's a HORRIBLE red flag!), verbally and emotionally abusive to you, a screamer -- call it BPD, NPD, bipolar, or Purple Unicorn Syndrome. It doesn't matter. Those are unacceptable behaviors in any relationship, and you are well rid of him.

[Afterdivorce]

Thank you Flourdust.  You are right. My GP kept telling me it really does not matter what his diagnosis is, but it sank for the first time when you suggested that it could be Purple Unicorn Syndrome, and the fact that screaming, threatening and getting aggressive with his kids and me were red flags.

You asked what stage I’m at.  I’m in muddy unclear waters.  I know that I want to share my life and love with a companion that grows old with me... .but am very scared of even looking. I’m unwilling and physically unable to endure any more drama. I do know that there are healthy people out there, but to go through the excercise Of weeding out, being disappointed, meeting potentially crazier people, makes me stay put and tell myself that at age 57, I must be content with all peace I have with my dog, friends and family.

Thank you again for the concept of Putple Unicorn Syndrome. 

[Bo123]

I have to agree with some other posts, how is the rest of your life going?  Don't beat yourself up as I know a few friends who never recovered from a 10-20 year marriage/relationship.  That's not meant to be negative, it's just that we are all different.  I also know some people on their 4th or 5th marriage.  We all have a concept of what was which is often different from what really was.  You owe it to yourself to get out, find a new hobby, join a dating site, exercise, may try some low dosage meds from your GP to get your brain back in forward instead of reverse.  Easier said than done, I'm dealing with my own unknown issue why I can't move on.  Your approach seems positive which is good.  Maybe make a list of what you want and see how that compares to the ex.  Wishing you the best.

[Afterdivorce]

Thank you Bo 123.

I’m scared of dating sites and not read, like flourdust, to invest so much energy on something that is so so I certain. At best uncertain.

Is there medication that makes your brain work toward the future? Versus reverse?  Lol. I want them.

Is it a common thing for BPDs to threat ending the marriage and “seeing the lawyer tomorrow” after a disagreement? 
Are withdrawals and silent treatments also normal for them?
Would he be different/better if I did not always take the high road, and apologize or twist the truth to something that snapped him out of his bad mood?
Is it common for them to littrally snap out of being very withdrawn to being happy and in a celebratory mood after you u have talked to them, apologized âne appeased?
Please share.  Thank you!

[Bo123]

No drug is a perfect fix or might not work at all, but significant emotional events change brain chemistry.  Prozac, celexa and Wellbutrin tend to restart the right chemical with Wellbutrin Dopamine and NE, the others serotonin only.  Low doses of any could help and all are generic.  Generally 6 months does the trick or you could try another.  And yes the behavior you described is normal from my experience, 100% happy then 100% sad, never could seem to please her for long before she would just have to bring up something negative on an otherwise perfect day.  I originally thought you broke up 15 years ago, you are still in a transition phase and from my experience I wish she had left earlier, I had left a few times and thought her friends got her straight after a few months of not talking.  She never changed, now some poor guy is putting up with what I use to.  There is a silver lining in this cloud I think.