Ex has been with multiple people since we split

[Ellemno]

After 3 months no contact, she came to apologize. It seemed nice, genuine and reflective. I didn't want a r/s after it, but it felt nice to hear some accountability.

Of course, it eventually came out that she not only hooked up with the ex who she "wanted to just be friends with" during our r/s, but also multiple people. After professing her love to me, this is what comes out. It was both upsetting and validating, and anything she does since we split is her right.

More than anything it made me trust myself more, realizing that she's not interested in really addressing her issues (on her own) in therapy and getting her ___ together. She's clearly in a space of continuous self-destruction, and its just not healthy for me. She's no where near able to handle being a parent. Though I have more healing to do, I feel like I dodged a bullet.

[blueblue12]

Elemno I am with you here. My ex also came back 2 months later, super apologetic, I was the love if her life, she had made a big mistake, etc. she had also hooked up with a new guy during and after my painful discardment, but it was all dismissed easily and matter of fact as the guy was not good, selfish. Never mind that the broken trust was incredibly painful for me. And there she was ready to make a “fresh start”!

But how can you do that? No matter how much I miss and love her, how is this ever going to work again? What sort of life are we able to lead? The trust is gone, broken, damaged. It may take years of therapy together to work on that. I don’t think I can do that. It’s sad.

And although she repented somewhat, I don’t really think she understands the severity of her actions. Her terrible desire to make me the bad guy and find quick and short lived happiness, resulted in destroying completely what we once had.

[DogMan75]

Tomorrow will mark my one month out. I am quite sure, without checking, that I am in the same boat. Knowing that would likely be the case, I made sure that I really couldn’t take it anymore before calling it quits. I will not reactivate FB for fear of learning she’s hooked up with her traditional rebound narcissist again, though I’d say chances are better than 90% that she has.

Assuming that she has, while painful, also provides me with the incentive to get on with my own life and quiet that part of me that pines for her. It would prove to me that she truly isn’t anywhere near ready for a real and healthy relationship. It validates me leaving.

It sucks, for sure, but doesn’t it also make it easier to let them go?

I’m trying to be a glass-half-full guy.

[Mutt]

Hi Ellemo,

She's clearly in a space of continuous self-destruction, and its just not healthy for me.

Good boundaries you see the dysfunctional habits in your and her lack of boundaries.

[crushedagain]

Wow, ellemno, your timeline is eerily similar to mine. Are you sure we weren't entangled with the same BPD?    

Anyway, I feel bad for you having to listen to that tripe. It's so disrespectful of her to even talk about it. One nauseating quality about my exBPD was the fact that she had no problem bringing up past relationships, or even commenting about handsome men, etc., but if I so much as breathed a word about another woman or an ex she would hit the roof. When I tried to point out any of her double standards she was so defensive that it would end up getting really bad, so I had to drop it.

As I've read here I see that it's fairly common for some BPD dumpers to initiate contact again. I don't foresee that happening in my situation, however I have thought of what my response would be should it materialize. I've decided that if I ever found myself in an actual conversation with her I'm no longer going to walk on eggshells or protect her hypersensitive feelings. And if she was rude enough to bring up other guys she went and slept with I'd probably tell her she made a good decision because of all my previous relationships she was the least satisfying in all aspects, including the bedroom. That may destroy her but I don't give a darn anymore. She hurt me more than I ever imagined possible.

[tornANDfrayed]

Wow, ellemno, your timeline is eerily similar to mine. Are you sure we weren't entangled with the same BPD?    

-if I so much as breathed a word about another woman or an ex she would hit the roof
-I tried to point out any of her double standards she was so defensive that it would end up getting really bad, so I had to drop it.
-it's fairly common for some BPD dumpers to initiate contact again
-protect her hypersensitive feelings
-of all my previous relationships she was the least satisfying in all aspects, including the bedroom.

^I turned your post into bullet points for the sake of seconding (and thirding!) ALL of that. Jesus... .Ive read it here too and it did/does seem cliche but wow, same girl? Its like you say it half joking but at the same time the behavior is ridiculously "to a tee." I didn't think Id ever be contacted again, I gave up reaching out periodically after over a month of NC on her end, and out of respect and an attempt to really let myself heal. Well 3 months out we bump into each other in person in our small town, no words exchanged, strange strange moment, and I get a phone call a few days later. So bizarre, was dead to her for all that time. Upon the recent return I hear how I drove her to 'cope' how she did with all the attempted rebounds. Yeah... .maybe the 1st guy you pursued I can see that reasoning I guess, but the 2nd and 3rd? Okay. In the end its my fault I gave up trying to contact her during the time apart. I could go on and on honestly but I'm so exhausted having dealt with this stuff again. Some examples with hypersensitive feelings would blow your mind as it relates to double standards. When they say many BPDs feelings can be equated to having 3rd degree burns all over your body it is no exaggeration.

With the satisfaction in the bedroom comment, Im genuinely curious, when you talked of sexual relations before you had actually engaged did she paint the picture as if she was a sexual savant or goddess to be praised or fairly humble?

Bottom line, no accountability, some slight signs of remorse for the first couple days and then back to square one. "Why didn't you love me like I needed?" ZERO accountability or self awareness, sad and hurtful as can be.

[Ragnarok4]

After 3 months no contact, she came to apologize. It seemed nice, genuine and reflective. I didn't want a r/s after it, but it felt nice to hear some accountability.

Of course, it eventually came out that she not only hooked up with the ex who she "wanted to just be friends with" during our r/s, but also multiple people. After professing her love to me, this is what comes out. It was both upsetting and validating, and anything she does since we split is her right.

More than anything it made me trust myself more, realizing that she's not interested in really addressing her issues (on her own) in therapy and getting her ___ together. She's clearly in a space of continuous self-destruction, and its just not healthy for me. She's no where near able to handle being a parent. Though I have more healing to do, I feel like I dodged a bullet.

My ex was living with me for a year and out of no where I can home from work and all her stuff was gone. No note or anything. She wrote an email a few days later that blew us all away that she was just unhappy but didn't want to tell anyone so it was easy for her just to run away. It totally destroyed me. 4 months later she calls me at 3am saying how much she misses me and how she wanted me back. I took her back and accepted the things she said she did during the time we were apart which was so foolish of me. She wasn't repentant of what she did at all. Never even said sorry.

Gets worse... .she wasn't at all who I thought she was. Not only were things different but none of her actions matched her sayings. None. I would confront with grace and she couldnt validate anything. Ever since she left me, her decisions are nothing but pure destruction.

Its been almost a year and yes I miss her dearly everyday. But I have to remind myself the destruction she caused and continues to do with everyone else around her. Acknowledging you need the healing is a step most don't take. Remind yourself.