I feel burdened with her lack of support with houework

[Warp.routine]

Well, here is my introduction. I'll keep it brief. I'm involved with a woman I have known for 14 years, we have been together for 8. She has BPD and PTSD. I have manic depressive type 2. I have been in therapy for my condition for 8 months (since diagnosis) and have seen therapists on and off since childhood. She has been out of therapy for just under 2 years now. Our Chronicle together is long and complex, she is deeply meaningful to me and I wish for nothing short of joyfully spending the rest of my life with her.

I joined this forum after an argument we had this evening. I have felt crushed and burdened with her needs and her lack of support with housework, chores, errands, and caring for our 11 year old boy. I'm the first to admit my faults and flaws, I am extremely passive in my life and tend to roll with whatever comes my way (see "stoic". I dealt with multiple emotional and mental breakdowns last year, ended up losing my job, and really struggled to get my head above water. Things had improved since then but have been declining quickly in the past 2 months.

I have been operating under the guidance of my therapist and psychiatrist to learn how to take an active role in my life and put self-care above sacrificing my health for the sake of others. This evening's argument stemmed from the first time in our history that I took a stand for something and didn't back down. I used skills and awareness that I have been learning to communicate with my partner effectively. (make sure her feelings are validated, accept responsibility for the things I have done wrong, assert the things I have done right, maintain calm composure and respond, don't react, to what is said).

You may have guessed as I'm on this forum now, it didn't go very well. I am here to look around and see what I can gain from other's experiences. I know there is always more I can learn and I know that no matter how good I think i am, there is always room for improvement. I have always done what she says is best for her or in her eyes. I'm ready to do what's best for us and our family, knowing that it will be difficult and possibly not an attainable goal.

Thank you for listening to (reading) my lengthly babble. I look forward to receiving support and perhaps being able to provide when I am more experienced.

P.S. If you're knowledgable with Meyers-Briggs types, I'm INTJ. As such my internal BS filter doesn't work very well. I encourage and accept the perceptions of others when they are contrary to mine. (I may be wrong about how something went down, despite thinking that my perception was objective and unbiased)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Warp.routine,

Glad that you found us! I too showed up here during a crisis with my partner. I admire your attitude of willingness regarding self-examination and self-improvement. I know I had been coasting for awhile, thinking I had good communication skills, he didn't, and tossing my hands up in the air. I watched things grow worse and worse til communication broke down to a very serious point. Fortunately, there was enough between us to keep on going and trying to improve. It's great that you are here and willing to engage and share your experiences and help us all learn together.

I know I still have a long way to go myself. I am looking at my own resistances to change, and where I am more open, and doing a lot of experimenting. All I know for sure is that I feel much better since I found this place!

What had brought on the decline of the last two months? Do you want to share more about this particular argument?

wishing you the best, pearlsw.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Warp.routine,

Sorry that things didn't go well with your attempts at trying to communicate better. It's not a perfect science. Sometimes the new response throws our pwBPD off. OTher times it could be what's called an extinction burst. And yet another reason could be that we come across as controlling or unempathetic.

I'm also an INTJ so I struggle quite a bit with showing emotion and I have strong sense right and wrong. Once I've made a decision, it's difficult to get me to change my mind. This can often come across as cold, uncaring, inflexible, and even robotic to my H. I have to REALLY practice on being more open and empathetic in my language.

Could you share a little more about the details of the argument, such as some things that both of you said? We can help you look at the situation and how to make changes for future use.