Completely cut off with no contact

[1charming1]

My ex girlfriend and I broke up a month ago and before I met her, I had no idea what Borderline Personality Disorder was or that it even existed. What made me find out about it was when I went to another message board and described what I had encountered with her during our 5 month "roller coaster" of a relationship. I use the term "roller coaster" because I felt many times like I was on a roller coaster ride and I wanted to get off, but I couldn't. After someone suggested that perhaps my ex had BPD, I began doing lots of research and it seems to fit her. Now our break up ended up very ugly to say the least and she deleted me/blocked me on all social media and blocked my phone numbers and cut off all contact. My question is this. Do people suffering from BPD frequently do this sort of thing like "ghosting" the person they spent so much intimate time with? If so, can anyone share their experience?

[limetaste]

My ex girlfriend and I broke up a month ago and before I met her, I had no idea what Borderline Personality Disorder was or that it even existed. What made me find out about it was when I went to another message board and described what I had encountered with her during our 5 month "roller coaster" of a relationship. I use the term "roller coaster" because I felt many times like I was on a roller coaster ride and I wanted to get off, but I couldn't. After someone suggested that perhaps my ex had BPD, I began doing lots of research and it seems to fit her. Now our break up ended up very ugly to say the least and she deleted me/blocked me on all social media and blocked my phone numbers and cut off all contact. My question is this. Do people suffering from BPD frequently do this sort of thing like "ghosting" the person they spent so much intimate time with? If so, can anyone share their experience?

Hello and welcome!

The answer is YES. This is exactly what they often do. In a normal relationship both parties wouldn't do "no contact" that instantly. You talk about the relationship, and you deeply wondering how your ex partner is feeling. Breaking up doesn't necessary mean you stop caring about a person you love.

Why BPD's are doing "NO CONTACT" and ghosting you is often cause they've lined up a replacement for you. In many cases they've already managed this just before they break up with you. They have no use for you any longer since that empty void they constantly feel when being alone now is filled with another person, drugs or destructive sex with strangers. This isn't the case all the time, but it's kind of a rule of thumb. The reason for them ghosting you and doing NC is a defense mechanism, and is a way for them to coping with the break-up and them moving on. No contact prevents them from grieving, to reconsider their decision, to start feeling regret. After a breakup they are deeply devastated so they often shut off all their feelings. This is due to trauma in their childhood that affected them deeply. The brain doesn't work in a normal way.

This doesn't last forever. Their griefing process starts in reverse. When the replacement (a rebound relationship, drugs, self-destructive sex) stop working for the temporary fill-up, and it will in time, they often come back trying to recycle you. This can happen in days, weeks, months and even years. The BPD's doesn't necessarily recycle partners from "just" short rebound-relationships. They can also have you painted black and ghost you forever. All BPD's are different, and all their earlier relationships are different. If they feel a stronger bound to a past partner (often in longer relationships) the chances are greater for them to try going back and recycle after the new "fix" stops working.

I have to say though that BPD's definitely can feel love, and be in love. After mine broke up with me I asked her if she loved me, and she said she loved me more than anything. And maybe that is true, I never felt that love by anyone before, she was crazy about me. So it's not always about BPD's using people just to fill up their void, this is false. This is mostly the matter if they come off a long-term relationship and rebounds fast. The case there is that the BPD's often imagine themselves being in love, and starts to "lovebomb" their partner. It's about "mirroring". They want those feelings back, it's like a projection.

Also the female BPD's are often looking for certain characteristics in a guy. From my experience it's about three to four different types:

1. The "dad" - Not necessarily older, but the "dad" is calm, steady and reasoning. Often they fell in love with the "dad", cause they feel very safe with them.
2. The "cuck" - The "cuck" is often a person with beta traits, and is many times a "replacement" which they rebound with after a break-up.
3. The "f*ckboy" - The "f*ckboy is never a temporarily portrayed boyfriend, but fills their needs and voids for a short amount of time. It's not usual that the f*ckboy deals with a personality disorder himself, often NPD or traits from BPD.
4. The "abuser" - The abuser is a sick individual that the BPD can feel attracted to. This is just because their childhood-trauma, and abusive behavour is a very similar feeling for the BPD's. Many times the "abuser" is physically abusive aswell, or is doing drugs etc. The "abuser" itself is an expert into hooking up with these types of BPD's due to their low self-esteem and desperation, they thrive on it.
 

[Lost-love-mind]

Limetaste
Very interesting analysis of no contact by pwBPD.
Much of it applies to my exBPD. Unsure if she had a replacement lined up and a public photo of her at an event indicates none 2-3 weeks later. After that I noticed her back online dating. So it's very possible.
We don't work together nor do we run in the same Social Circles so is highly doubtful that I will ever know how soon she found her replacement. Quite frankly at this time I really don't care and I would feel sorry for someone it gets caught up in the same situation with a person that can only communicate via text or email.
She was unable to verbalize in person any of her needs or her emotions. An extreme introvert.  Our last date ended in disaster due to her inability to verbalize her needs. I suspect based on her representations, and Analysis of both her ex-hubby's social media, (both very public - both musicians into drugs and debauchery) that she was subjected to both physical and verbal abuse.
I just hope she doesn't end up with another "abuser" but is unfortunately likely.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi 1charming1 and welcome  

I'm sorry to hear that the breakup was rough.  This can be common, yes, that there is a lot of drama around the end of a breakup in a BPD r/s.  Emotions run high, as you are aware no doubt that a pwBPD suffers from intense fear of abandonment and she may feel that you have betrayed her in some way by splitting up with her.  What was the situation around the breakup in the end?  What caused the roller coaster to stop?

It's good that you've been researching into BPD.  This can help a lot to de personalise the behaviour.  There's an article here which describes the way a BPD r/s is structured.  There are distinct phases of idealisation, devaluation and discard.  The discard stage may mean that we are pushed beyond our boundaries too much and feel we have no option but to leave the r/s.  The article can be found Here.  I found it explained a lot of what I'd experienced and helped things to make sense.

Many people on this board still hear from their BPD ex and I can tell you that not hearing from her is going to aid you in detaching and healing, so take this time for yourself and start to think about how you wish to proceed.  If she were to re engage with you, would you want to give things another shot?

Love and light x

[heartandwhole]

Hi 1charming1,



I'd like to join the other members and welcome you the community. I'm very sorry to hear about your breakup. It is so painful to be left so abruptly. I've been there, and it hurt me like no other breakup before. I want to tell you that things DO get better. There is a grieving process (this can feel like a huge loss), and it's not easy, but you can thrive and love again. Many of our members have been where you are, and understand what you are going through. 

Do people suffering from BPD frequently do this sort of thing like "ghosting" the person they spent so much intimate time with? If so, can anyone share their experience?

A lot of people ghost other people, not just those with BPD/traits. In my view it's a really crappy thing to do. Someone with BPD might do it because they feel emotionally overwhelmed by the intimacy they are experiencing (fear of abandonment, for example). It can be a very painful existence, and many people with BPD don't have the coping skills that would make breaking up at least manageable. Unfortunately, it's often all or nothing.

How are you feeling about this, 1charming1? Are you taking good care of yourself? Do you have supportive friends and family around you?

Keep posting. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[insideoutside]

My ex girlfriend and I broke up a month ago and before I met her, I had no idea what Borderline Personality Disorder was or that it even existed. What made me find out about it was when I went to another message board and described what I had encountered with her during our 5 month "roller coaster" of a relationship. I use the term "roller coaster" because I felt many times like I was on a roller coaster ride and I wanted to get off, but I couldn't. After someone suggested that perhaps my ex had BPD, I began doing lots of research and it seems to fit her. Now our break up ended up very ugly to say the least and she deleted me/blocked me on all social media and blocked my phone numbers and cut off all contact. My question is this. Do people suffering from BPD frequently do this sort of thing like "ghosting" the person they spent so much intimate time with? If so, can anyone share their experience?

Yes!  I've been friends with a very old ex-boyfriend now for over 2 years but I would say less than half of that time we have actually been in contact.  He cuts me off and goes awol for weeks and months at a time.  The last cut off was 14th March this year with literally no contact from that day until last Wednesday (6th) when he sent me an email asking how I was... .Its soul destroying and maddening both at the same time.  It definitely seems that the closer you are the more scared they get and down comes the shutters and they start doing the ST or they initiate a row/something to annoy you which will make you angry with them so it gives them the green light to make you out to be the bad person and to cut off contact.

Its hard to stay off the crazy train at times.

[Truthseeker12]

So glad to of joined this group yesterday and found I'm not alone.

I totally know who you're feeling because I feel like I'm being Ghosted, a term that I only just discovered via this thread. As an Virgo anxiety sufferer and over thinker getting answers and knowing intricate details is very important to me.

My Cluster B EX GF of 3 months dumped me 4 months ago but has only been NC for about 6-7 weeks when she came to my house ranting and raving and denying everything I'd been told about her.

The most bizarre thing for me is she's still kept me on FB as a friend which is driving me insane because I tend to gravitate to her profile in my weaker moments. I will be removing her in the new year once I've spoken to my friend FI who told me all about her history, and because I let slip I'd been talking to FI my EX has since blocked her on FB but FI doesn't know this.

Not long after she dumped me, I asked her is she could see me in her life in the future and she cold and callously said " No, not at all, I don't go back with my EX's, only did it once and won't do it again "

So does this mean she just looks for new blood every time? Well, I mean new blood with the exclusion of the married guy she's allegedly been seeing on and off for over 10 years.

Her last relationship lasted 10 years, but speaking to him about he states that their relationship had been over for years and they were just going through the motions, I guess he put up with her infidelities so he wouldn't be homeless. He was just as bad though, he's a real weirdo, a shock artist, I guess he falls into the category of "The Abuser" whereas I would be "The Dad " type, because she used say she'd trust me with her life.

Apologies for hijacking the thread but I just wanted to give some input, because I know how truly difficult it is going through this.

Take Care x

[SummerStorm]

Blocking and "ghosting" are my BPD friend's go to methods for punishing people who criticize her, dealing with a tough breakup, etc.  Out of sight, out of mind is her way of looking at it.  Her mom once made a critical comment on something she posted on Facebook that had references to drugs, and my friend promptly blocked her on both Facebook and on her phone. 

Around holidays and/or when she is feeling happy and stable and convinced she no longer has BPD, my BPD friend will suddenly unblock everyone and have this big desire to talk to them again.  A few years ago, right around Easter, when she had a nice dinner with her dad and stepmom (rare, since she and her stepmom hate each other) and had just started dating a new guy, she unblocked me, her mom, and her stepbrother at the same time.  Her mom and I joked that we must be on the "good list" again. 

Generally speaking, I don't worry too much about it anymore.  She never paints me black in that, "I hate her.  I'm going to trash her" way that some pwBPD do.  I really do think most of it is a coping mechanism.  She hurt me more than she's hurt most people, other than her mother, and she knows it.  She has admitted it.  I think she tries hard to make it up to me, to not do anything like that again.  The problem is that she has a maladaptive way of responding to most situations, which makes it difficult for her to do that and makes it equally difficult for me to really put the effort into being her friend.

1charming1, I know that this hurts.  I know that you're confused.  You have every right to feel these emotions.  But also know, too, that you need to start working on finding closure and also really ask yourself if you want to talk to your ex again if she tries to contact you again.  I can only speak from personal experience, but it is likely that you won't get closure from her and that, if she contacts you, she will be very unwilling to talk about the past, especially if the conversation goes in the direction if her being to blame. 

[Ragnarok4]

Blocking and "ghosting" are my BPD friend's go to methods for punishing people who criticize her, dealing with a tough breakup, etc.  Out of sight, out of mind is her way of looking at it.  Her mom once made a critical comment on something she posted on Facebook that had references to drugs, and my friend promptly blocked her on both Facebook and on her phone. 

1charming1, I know that this hurts.  I know that you're confused.  You have every right to feel these emotions.  But also know, too, that you need to start working on finding closure and also really ask yourself if you want to talk to your ex again if she tries to contact you again.  I can only speak from personal experience, but it is likely that you won't get closure from her and that, if she contacts you, she will be very unwilling to talk about the past, especially if the conversation goes in the direction if her being to blame. 

I didn't know what ghosting was as well until I joined this thread. But its real. My ex who is an undiagnosed BPD (mostly clarified thru my counselor after months of talking about it) moved out while I was at work and was immediately "ghosted." We often run into each other at work and the following day back at work after her moving out, she was acting like nothing ever happened and its no big deal but i was totally ignored. She was going out and partying like i would never imagined her to be. There's so much more but I just wanted to give a brief picture of ghosting and how real it is. And mostly scary!

With closure, you probably won't get any. From what I read about BPD, they can't handle any exposure of themselves. They already feel unloved by anyone/everyone so they will commit to running away from the truth by any means. And that's what make us (the nonBPDs) the enemies and they will make sure others know that you are not to be trusted.

Ask yourself this... .could you really get the truth of closure that you need to move on from her? Will she give you want you want or commit to following the impulsivity of her emotions?