Teething problems with independent living

[Lollypop]

Hi

I’m not sure how many weeks it’s been since DA27 moved out.  Maybe 8 weeks.

The honey moon period lasted for a month and then he started to get irritated with “friends” using his place. His relationship with his oldest friend (but new GF) started to wobble and he’s now finished it - thankfully they’re on good terms. DS27 got a back injury and couldn’t work. He took this badly, like nobody in the world EVER had such pain. He ended up thinking it was far more serious and got himself to hospital and a few days later to the GP who prescribed diazepam. The prescription ran out and of course he’s now buying it illegally because he says he’s now addicted. Sigh. I’ve not got involved in this and managed to stay pretty calm and emotionally supportive. I’m very aware that his living situation isn’t working out and he’s coming home every few days to get something to eat. I haven’t reacted negatively and taken the situation as a teething problem.

He’s back at work and is reducing his diazepam (strangely I believe him). He seems ok. We’ve lent him 2weeks rent to help him and agreed a realistic weekly pay back arrangement. I will be firm with this.

I’m definitely ok and my family getting on very well. DS is always welcomed and it’s relaxed while we watch and listen. He’s not moving back home.

Listening is my tool.

We got onto the wrong foot one day as I started to react to the diazepam news. My DS said I didn’t want to talk about this. Biggest part for me is to be able to quieten my own thoughts and really listen.  I said “let’s start again. How’s your back, you sleeping ok?”.

If you’re struggling to even exchange a few words with your loved one then I found a change of approach worked well for me.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hey Lollypop!

Yeah, "the honeymoons"!  The first one's with our daughter were so wonderful as we would get lulled into thinking all was now going to be great... .problems a thing of the past.  Gradually, over the years, we became more guarded when the honeymoon periods came about.  Now, thankfully, we don't get as broadsided when she blows.  Mind you, it still hurts.  Once a parent, always a parent.

You've certainly done your homework, Lollypop, and have worked hard to get to this point in time with your son.  Getting the news of the diazepam would have shaken me, too.  You are handling it well!

Hope you got busy in redecorating that room in your house after your son vacated it... .now the results making him think twice about wanting to take up residence in it again.

Hang in there!  Always wonderful to read your posts and be able to watch and learn as you walk your way through life with your son.  We do learn from each other.

Huat

[Yepanotherone]

Teething problems were only to be expected and even if your son didn’t have BPD , any young adult moving into their own home is going to have difficulties and need time to adjust . Your son is where he is today thanks to your love , support , dedication , commitment and a bucket load of patience . Who would have guessed he would ever have the skills to branch out on his own .
Well done to you all   
I can understand the sudden panic you would have felt with the diazepam , the sudden sickening feeling of “ here we go again , it’s all going to fall down around us and we’ll be back to square one “. I felt like that when my DD had been completely drug free for a while ( she had to be ! She was on probation !) and she announced that whether I agreed with it or not , she was going to go back to smoking marijuana. Admittedly I had an episode of freaking out , that sense of sickening panic overwhelmed me and I wanted to scream at her “ but you’re doing so well ! Don’t do this !”  It took me a day or two to accept this is her choice , there’s nothing I can do to change her choices , and she’ll tackle her marijuana dependency when she’s good and ready, and not before , and certainly not on my say so !
Know what ? I have every faith she’ll kick the habit , but it will be on her own terms and it will be when she’s chosen to work at it . Just exactly as she has done with all the other unhealthy coping strategies and behaviors.

[Lollypop]

Hi Huat & Yep

Hey Huat, It took a couple of weeks before my husband suddenly decided to decorate. We’ve set it up as an office and it’s white, girly and bright. All of my books are in there and I’ve ordered some more yesterday. I hadn’t realised that space was holding me back. It’s a lovely serene space and I’m in there a lot at the moment.

You’re so right Yep, they have to work things out themselves.

DS came home for tea yesterday. I’ve tried to stimulate conversation with stuff I’ve learnt and the subject caused a little conversation and a few questions from DS. It was good. When he got back to his place he sent me a link to an article about lsd and creative thought. Sigh.

Sweet and sour. I’m not tearing myself apart any more. I’m ok, we’re doing ok.

Detachment is my middle name.

Thanks for the replies ladies. I’m grateful for all of you reading and posting. It helps me.

Hugs
LP