Reflection about myself and my X

[Lostinanother]

Today I had somewhat of a trigger when I saw a woman that looked like my ex affair partner with BPD. It bought up a lot of feelings in me.
Recently, I have found this website a little depressing, because I feel like some of the people here don’t address what they have done. They seem to not self reflect here at all. Everything seems to be the other persons fault.

I’m holding onto a lot of anger at the moment so after 4 months since break up/ 2 months since I last saw her or kissed her and 3 weeks since I finally cut her off and went NC, I decided to write down her negatives and my own in hopes of getting a little peace for myself and maybe inspire others to self reflect a little also.

Her... .
1. She was deceitful about many, many things
2. She possibly cheated multiple times
3. She threatened suicide many times even though I begged her not to as it gave me PTSD from my teenage years when I found my mother a number of times after she had attempted that.
4. Whenever on a break, she slept with other guys and then blamed me, saying I pushed her away.
5. She manipulated and gaslit me to cover her lies.
6. She could be ungrateful at times.
7. She could be selfish at times.
8. She moved onto a replacement quickly, while lying about it and tagging me along.
9. She was overly needy
10. She lacked compassion/empathy for others
11. She self harmed and blamed me.
12. We had an abortion, which was traumatic but she used it as a weapon to manipulate me at times.
13. She broke my trust completely


Myself
1. I was selfish at times
2. I was quick to anger and jealousy at times
3. I stopped believing her words
4. I pushed her away often
5. I made her feel confused
6. I made her feel 2nd best to my family
7. I was hypercritical at times
8. I was paranoid often (which I still feel is justified)
9. I abandoned her when she needed me
10. I didn’t understand her in the end at all 
11. I tried to manipulate her back
12. I tried to make her jealous a few times
13. I called her a slut a few times when we broke up and I found out she had done sexual things with other guys straight away.


These are all the negatives.
It was a very poisonous relationship.
I often find myself missing her, but it makes me angry that I miss her after everything she did.
I know I was poisonous also. And we were both to blame equally.
There was love there.
But love dies eventually in most relationships.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I needed to write it.

Thanks for reading.

[TurbanCowboy]

Today I had somewhat of a trigger when I saw a woman that looked like my ex affair partner with BPD. It bought up a lot of feelings in me.
Recently, I have found this website a little depressing, because I feel like some of the people here don’t address what they have done. They seem to not self reflect here at all. Everything seems to be the other persons fault.

I’m holding onto a lot of anger at the moment so after 4 months since break up/ 2 months since I last saw her or kissed her and 3 weeks since I finally cut her off and went NC, I decided to write down her negatives and my own in hopes of getting a little peace for myself and maybe inspire others to self reflect a little also.

Her... .
1. She was deceitful about many, many things
2. She possibly cheated multiple times
3. She threatened suicide many times even though I begged her not to as it gave me PTSD from my teenage years when I found my mother a number of times after she had attempted that.
4. Whenever on a break, she slept with other guys and then blamed me, saying I pushed her away.
5. She manipulated and gaslit me to cover her lies.
6. She could be ungrateful at times.
7. She could be selfish at times.
8. She moved onto a replacement quickly, while lying about it and tagging me along.
9. She was overly needy
10. She lacked compassion/empathy for others
11. She self harmed and blamed me.
12. We had an abortion, which was traumatic but she used it as a weapon to manipulate me at times.
13. She broke my trust completely


Myself
1. I was selfish at times
2. I was quick to anger and jealousy at times
3. I stopped believing her words
4. I pushed her away often
5. I made her feel confused
6. I made her feel 2nd best to my family
7. I was hypercritical at times
8. I was paranoid often (which I still feel is justified)
9. I abandoned her when she needed me
10. I didn’t understand her in the end at all 
11. I tried to manipulate her back
12. I tried to make her jealous a few times
13. I called her a slut a few times when we broke up and I found out she had done sexual things with other guys straight away.


These are all the negatives.
It was a very poisonous relationship.
I often find myself missing her, but it makes me angry that I miss her after everything she did.
I know I was poisonous also. And we were both to blame equally.
There was love there.
But love dies eventually in most relationships.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I needed to write it.

Thanks for reading.

I never suspected cheating in my relationship until this summer, but I also know given my work schedule and her work/school schedule that she could have done it for years and I would not have known.  I don't think she did, because sex never ended until I suspected the cheating. 

I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship.  When I'm feeling depressed and missing her I think about all the time that I spent watching sports or not paying attention to her when we were in the house together, we didn't go out enough, but I also know there had to be a reason I was like that.  There were so many times I would try and hang out with her, give her a beer or a glass of wine and she'd take a sip and waste the rest.  She would fall asleep 10 minutes into the movie all the time.  Once our son was born and he could sleep in a bed she would disappear to put him to bed, fall asleep with him and that was the end of those evenings.  Of course I could never get her to admit that maybe, just maybe that also played a role in the demise of our relationship.

It takes two to tango and everyone on here made mistakes in the relationship, no one did everything perfectly, that's not possible.  It seems like the issue, and I can only speak for my relationship is that it doesn't seem to matter what we may have done.

My wife told me for years that all her previous boyfriends were perfect, which is black and white thinking.  I know on here the story seems to be that a BPD would play the victim in past relationships, that was never the case in my relationship(she wasn't coming off a serious relationship either, was finishing school and living with mom).  My wife would always tell me that everyone else was perfect so if I had any issues with her or she was having any issues with me, it must be my fault.  I asked her a million times, "why are you with me then?"  It goes back to the fact that my wife just isn't capable of being content and isn't capable of being pleased.  Whether she had every right to be mad at me or no right to be mad at me, she would find ways to get upset or find fault with me.  None of this ever made sense to me, but I also had never been in a real committed relationship prior to her and my parents marriage was volatile so I just chalked everything up to her just being a woman.  I now know she may be a woman, but she's also a BPD.  From what I've been reading it sounds like we did last because I was capable of tolerating her bs and because I didn't kiss her ass she never felt suffocated or that I was getting too close.  I was always the one who cared the least about the relationship and I truly believe that is probably why it lasted longer than her relationships where the guy was bending over backwards for her.

How can someone tell you that all their previous boyfriends were perfect and yet they ended up spending 10 years together with someone who neglected them and never truly loved them?  Now she's claiming she's with a guy(we don't have a separation agreement yet I moved out) who understand everything there is to know about her and she understands everything there is to know about him.  Of course that's also an admission that what I've been accusing her of since the summer must be true since I'm not sure how two people can learn EVERYTHING there is to know about each other in a few weeks or during lunch breaks at work.

From what you list about what she did and what you did, I think you had a pretty big up hill climb in this relationship and were forced to be accepting of things that no one should have to accept in a healthy relationship.

[Mutt]

Hi lostinanother,



Some people are always in a r/s and don’t take the time to self reflect. It’s not like there’s anything wrong with that it’s just not my style. I like to take a break to grieve the r/s and self reflect. If you emotional garbage in one r/s it’s just going to transfer into the next one which is unfair to yourself and your partner.

Some people have self awareness and others have very little self awareness again it’s not like there’s anything wrong with that. I like to pause analyze everything that there is to analyze and I like to keep pushing the boundaries with self growth.

People that don’t have much self awareness like to move through life quickly and don’t feel comfortable with sitting by with their thoughts. They may believe that doing as much as possible and keeping yourself busy is the key to success in life.

I’m in a r/s and I’m thankful that I took a long break after my divorce. Now I know to not take my partner for granted, a r/s takes work from both people in the r/s and now I know that it’s better to repair the r/s instead of avoiding problems because it just festers and never gets resolved. What if I didn’t pause and self reflect? Maybe I wouldn’t be able to spot the traps in a r/s because I didn’t learn from my mistakes.

[Reforming]

Hi lostinanother

To add to the helpful posts from Turbancowby and Mutt I think your self reflection is pretty healthy.

Relationships are very complex. Unpicking the breakdown of a relationship where two unique individuals tried to share a life together with all the responsibilities that that includes can be a big task.

When there's a mental illness such as BPD involved it can even more complicated.

When we feel hurt, betrayed and very vulnerable it's very natural to focus on the other person's mistakes and flaws. To point the finger at our partners and deny the challenging complexity of these relationships. Black and white is easier and more manageable when we feel exhausted and overwhelmed by sadness and anger.

Quite often when we talk about BPD I think we often focus on the most visible symptoms of the illness losing sight of some of the most challenging traits. Many people on the BPD spectrum struggle to communicate their own needs (deep down many feel shame about them) and also struggle maintain healthy boundaries.  

I think this can create huge challenges in any relationship.

Behaviour that many partners assume is normal or acceptable can leave someone with BPD feeling abandoned, betrayed and wounded. And as sufferers often lack the skills to regulate and communicate their feelings they either lash out by blaming, projecting etc and try to meet their needs in unhealthy and destructive ways - infidelity.

This interaction can trigger a cycle of dysfunction where both partners end up behaving in destructive, cruel and generally unhealthy ways. And when the relationship finally does break down - the end and the aftermath are even more traumatic.

Whatever happened - and there's myriad of factors that can overwhelm any relationship - disordered or not - if you really want to learn and adapt you need to review your own behaviour and take ownership of it.

When I was sufficiently detached from the emotional upheaval and hurt that marked the end of my relationship I also wrote a list like yours. I did and said a lot of things that I regret.

It's important not to use this as a way of punishing yourself - we all make mistakes and dealing with a loved one who suffering from a disorder can push most of us past limits. But occasionally I revisit my list as a learning tool and a way of maintaining a healthy perspective on what actually happened.

Finding the courage and curiosity to take a long hard look yourself and your own behaviour is a great gift to yourself and your future.

These relationships can be very painful but they also offer a precious opportunity to learn about yourself.  

Thanks for sharing

Reforming

[TurbanCowboy]

Hi lostinanother

To add to the helpful posts from Turbancowby and Mutt I think your self reflection is pretty healthy.

Relationships are very complex. Unpicking the breakdown of a relationship where two unique individuals tried to share a life together with all the responsibilities that that includes can be a big task.

When there's a mental illness such as BPD involved it can even more complicated.

When we feel hurt, betrayed and very vulnerable it's very natural to focus on the other person's mistakes and flaws. To point the finger at our partners and deny the challenging complexity of these relationships. Black and white is easier and more manageable when we feel exhausted and overwhelmed by sadness and anger.

Quite often when we talk about BPD I think we often focus on the most visible symptoms of the illness losing sight of some of the most challenging traits. Many people on the BPD spectrum struggle to communicate their own needs (deep down many feel shame about them) and also struggle maintain healthy boundaries.  

I think this can create huge challenges in any relationship.

Behaviour that many partners assume is normal or acceptable can leave someone with BPD feeling abandoned, betrayed and wounded. And as sufferers often lack the skills to regulate and communicate their feelings they either lash out by blaming, projecting etc and try to meet their needs in unhealthy and destructive ways - infidelity.

This interaction can trigger a cycle of dysfunction where both partners end up behaving in destructive, cruel and generally unhealthy ways. And when the relationship finally does break down - the end and the aftermath are even more traumatic.

Whatever happened - and there's myriad of factors that can overwhelm any relationship - disordered or not - if you really want to learn and adapt you need to review your own behaviour and take ownership of it.

When I was sufficiently detached from the emotional upheaval and hurt that marked the end of my relationship I also wrote a list like yours. I did and said a lot of things that I regret.

It's important not to use this as a way of punishing yourself - we all make mistakes and dealing with a loved one who suffering from a disorder can push most of us past limits. But occasionally I revisit my list as a learning tool and a way of maintaining a healthy perspective on what actually happened.

Finding the courage and curiosity to take a long hard look yourself and your own behaviour is a great gift to yourself and your future.

These relationships can be very painful but they also offer a precious opportunity to learn about yourself.  

Thanks for sharing

Reforming

Communication was a hot button in our relationship and poor communication was something she would project on me.  If I tried to ask what she liked, what she wanted to do, etc., she would turn it into, "if you knew me you wouldn't have to ask."  The problem is, she never knew who she was or what she wanted, it was always so obvious to me. 

The other big problem with our communication was my lack of understanding of the importance to validate.  There were so many times I tried to get her to look at something from another perspective or I would disagree with her take on something, she always took this as me taking another person's side.  I wasn't taking anyone's side, I was trying to get her to look at things differently so that she wouldn't be so easily bothered by things that weren't that important.  I always assumed I was dealing with someone who should be able to handle basic reasoning and I wasn't.  After enough of this I got to the point where I would just agree with her even if I didn't.  Then I would be criticized for not offering an opinion.

Damned either way.

[writeaway]

I relate to a lot of the comments and reflection here. We all bring baggage to a relationship, and in the case of me and my ex, our weaknesses and insecurities brought out the worst in each other. At the same time, our strengths provided some balance to each other as well, and I think that is why we lasted as long as we did.

I know I have made mistakes in this relationship. I am not perfect. In my intro post, I mentioned an instance early on in our relationship (within the first year) when I went against her wishes and did something she asked me not to do. I had agreed not to do it, even though I probably shouldn't have, because therapists have helped me see that her request was unreasonable and controlling. Afterwards I felt guilty and fessed up... .I didn't know it then, but our relationship was doomed from that moment on. So who was to blame in this incident? Her, for attempting to control an aspect of my life that should have been off-limits? Me, for agreeing to her demand even though something inside told me I shouldn't? Me, for passive aggressive behavior (saying one thing, doing another out of resistance)? Her, for not forgiving when I made an earnest apology and spent the next 12 years trying to win back her trust?

The honest truth is that if this incident hadn't happened, I am sure that at some point, something else would have happened to trigger her mistrust. I've never cheated, never even considered or was tempted, but she was convinced that I was, or that I wanted to. I learned early on that things I viewed as insignificant could cause a major blow-up of anger. I am a people-pleaser, sensitive to criticism, desperate to keep the peace, desperate to win her approval. So communication became a problem... .if there was something I worried would upset her, however minor or insignificant, I hesitated to mention it. Most of the time, those wouldn't have been a big deal at all in a relationship without extreme jealousy and mistrust and fear of abandonment. It could be something as simple as a conversation with an acquaintance she'd never met, or running into a coworker at the store. If she found out about it later, she'd accuse me of lying and hiding and having sinister motives. Was I keeping things from her? In a way, I suppose. But not because I was actually guilty of anything or the things I was hiding were innately bad. I just feared she would interpret them that way. I started to second-guess everything I did and said. I internalized the blame. Unlike some BPD stories, my ex would admit to her shortcomings. She knew it was a problem. But she couldn't help herself, and in the moment, the blaming and baiting and rehashing of every old wound and guilt-tripping would leave me in tears and scrambling to make it up to her. And on some level, because of my own mistakes and shortcomings, I believed I deserved it all. I gave up my own autonomy because I saw it as the price I needed to pay to repent for any hurt I may have caused her. When in truth, her wounds happened long before I met her, so I was repenting for the sins of others as well as my own.

In some ways, I still feel responsible for the demise of our relationship... .like if I had only been a better partner, then it would have worked out. I'm still working with a therapist on teasing out what parts I actually need to own, and which parts are internalized blame that she cast my direction to compensate for her own role in the toxic cycle. It wasn't that I was a bad partner, or a bad person, and my ex wasn't a bad partner, or a bad person. Neither of us had the tools and the inner strength and self-confidence to cope with the BPD symptoms, or with my own communication and relationship issues. As much as we loved each other, we weren't right for each other.

I'm trying to focus on what I have learned from this experience, in terms of what I need in a partner. Someone who isn't hyper-critical, who doesn't need constant reassurance and attention, who won't make unreasonably restrictive demands, who will give me space to pursue my own interests and to make other friends without jealousy, who makes it safe to disagree with them, and who can encourage me to learn and grow while accepting and loving the things about me that cannot be changed. In some ways, I have learned things from her that will help me be a better partner in the future. I've learned how to be more attentive and demonstrative, to be more thoughtful and mindful of myself and others, and the right and wrong ways to approach communication. The guilt is definitely hard to shake though.