Did your ex ever introduce you to their friends?

[Lalathegreat]

As I comb through the rubble I am thinking about a lot of things that I always knew were a little odd, but seemed to be buried under layers of drama. I mean, why spend time wondering why he won’t hold your hand in public when you’re just trying to figure out why he’s always yelling at you - am I right?

But now I find myself wondering about these things, and if they were also symptoms of his BPD. He never introduced me to his friends, I’m pretty sure only a handful of them were even aware of me. There are no pictures of he and I together - he took MANY pictures of me with his son, but never a picture of us together. He would never display affection in public - EVER.

And yet so much of his rage was triggered by what he perceived as MY not behaving enough like we were “together”.

Anyone else notice these things or similar with their BPD partners?

Lala

[hope2727]

Mine showed me off to he is  friends. Then broke up with me by text out of the blue. Then cried his eyes out and wanted to come back. But by then he was isolating me from his friends. They started to treat me oddly. I realize now he had his smear campaign in full swing by then. It was another year of his hot and cold, push pull dynamic. Then his full out rages etc. Finally he managed to isolate me from even one of MY closest friends. But what ever. I am recovering and he will always be him. I have some wonderful friends. They all think he is a total loser now. One of them (male) told me just before he died that my ex wasn't even in my leg and if I ever took him back my friend would haunt me from the after life. Lol. How is that for a seat bed threat. So yes he wanted to show me off until he realized that his lies would be found out when he had me around them. SO sad really.

[itgetsbetter94]

My ex also showed me off. I met his friends very soon after we started dating, I was "the guest of honor" at his birthday party where he introduced me to everyone as his fiance... .during the idealisation phase, I was on the top of the world.

But, soon after, the devaluation started (over night). In the midst of the crisis, he was also saying he's going to commit suicide. Me beingg driven insane by the sudden change of the r/s dynamic and gravely afraid of suicide threats, called him on one occasion for about 10 times (he didn't pick up). He used that to paint me as emotionally labile to his friend. His friend told me first hand that my ex told him that "I kept calling him". (He didn't mention to his friend that he also called me and texed me many times few days prior when I was shocked and devastated after the incident he caused me and wouldn't pick up.) He also said ti his friend "how did my ex put up with me for 3 years and M (me) can't do it for the couple of months?". So, he was very well aware he was emotionally abusive to bothh his ex and me, but was disappointed that I didn't put up with it.
I have a (small) satisfaction that both his family and friends knew there was something seriously wrong with him and how he treated his loved one. Unloved would be a better word. My ex was diagnosed BPD/NPD and a very strong case of both, to be honest.

[Pretty Woman]

My ex showed me off to some friends and isolated me from others. It was three years of multiple "break up, make up". A few months prior to the final discard I hosted a huge surprise (bad idea) birthday for her. I invited all the people she claimed were "life long" friends, even family members.

What stood out to me at that time and will always be a  is her "close" family didn't respond yea or nay, nothing. A few people I reached out to a few times... .nothing. I did not realize this at the time but she was already smearing me so I looked insane contacting them at that point, but I didn't know. I got a threatening letter from her sister on Facebook that luckily I did not see until months after the party (because we are not FB friends and it ended up in a hidden folder on there).

My ex has a pattern when she is dating someone new. Immediately, she plans a trip to Iowa with them to visit her "ex" and her BFF. These people she touts as her besties but she only sees them when she is dating someone new.

These same individuals become her enabler and enforcer when she dumps someone. They stand by her even though she badmouths them and ignores them until she can "use" them again.

Sounds like an awesome friend, right?

Anyways, I think you should use the word "friends" loosely. I don't think they are capable of true friendship. Their friendships are "need based" and these people generally fall into the categories of "enabler" and or "rescuer".

[valet]

why spend time wondering why he won’t hold your hand in public when you’re just trying to figure out why he’s always yelling at you - am I right?

This is a really good question, Lala. Some food for thought.

What would your answer be if someone else asked you?

[Lalathegreat]

Thanks Valet for the question.  My therapist has also encouraged me to examine why I might have pushed forward and ignored things that I knew to be red flags.

When I’m honest, I knew there were red flags early on, but the parts that were amazing were SO much so that I chose to push those things aside. I also did a lot of justifying to myself. “Well, it IS fairly early in the relationship, maybe I’m the odd one for thinking I should know his friends... .”

And then they really did become the background noise to the bigger issues.

I think what I’m learning is that there really is no such thing as a problem that is too small to pay attention to. And that the “real” question underlying all of it is why do I not value myself enough to not tolerate abuse? I will be digging up the answers to that one for awhile. It’s hard, but absolutely necessary for me to understand that so that I don’t ever end up in this situation again.

[Skyhawk]

It seems I may be in the minority here, but my ex didn't -and still doesn't - have any friends. She has people that she will hang out with for a month or two, but then they somehow do her wrong, disrespect her or are 'rude' to her, and she doesn't talk to them anymore. I believe once they start to realize there is something off about her, she finds a reason to 'break up' with them before they abandon her.

She is also nearly incapable of having female acquaintances. She has no problem finding male 'friends', although they don't last more than a month or two. i guess they get what they want from her and then get out once the crazy starts.

I was the only one dumb enough to stick around .

[Pencil sketch]

Interesting topic. Mine had friends, but we were kept very separate, and she only spoke about them, I could never ask.
She used to say, she was happy with them, until they pissed her off, and then she would block them with alarming precision.
She never showed any affection, if we were out, and looking back, also, when we were alone, no spontaneous shows of emotion, and if I would offer a cuddle at the wrong moment, she would soon let me know about it.
On a few occasions, when we were communicating on line, she would 'accidentally' send a message, intended for someone else, in told her, I found it upsetting, she did it, when we were having a very deep conversation, but she always denied it, putting it down to a mistake.
It's these things you notice, when you are no longer in involved.

[araneina]

Mine did.  I met his close childhood friend, some coworkers, and his two sisters only a couple of months into the relationship.  It was important to him.  I also remember him asking me a few times if my friends knew about him, or if I'd told my family about him.  I had to reassure him that I had.  He seemed to need to know that I was telling people about him.  But that was his MO.  I read his journal once and it was clearly a common thing for him to introduce his girlfriends to family members and friends early on in the relationship.  I took it to mean we were getting serious.  Ha!

[JNChell]

I’m kind of with Skyhawk on this one. She does have people that she calls friends, but the way she talks about EVERYONE in her life behind their back is astounding. I formally met one of her friends, and it was awkward at best. It was a double date in the beginning. Her friend got together with my exes ex right after they had broken up. From the way my ex described things, she was not very happy about it, and I believe she holds a grudge to this day. From what I understand, my ex treated this guy poorly. She was with him while still married. She would run away from her marriage often and hook up with other guys. Anyway, her friend and that guy got married recently. My ex and her sister went to the wedding. When she got home all she did was make fun of it. I guess the reception wasn’t up to her and her sister’s standards, so they bailed. They didn’t go to show support. They went to ridicule.

There have been many instances, but I’ll describe one more. It was her most recent birthday. The actual day was on a week day so I took her out to eat, and then we went back to my place, at the time, and I gave her her cake and her presents. We weren’t living together anymore at this point. We had been broken up and were 4 months into the last recycle. She couldn’t stay that night, but we had plans to intimately celebrate her birthday that weekend. She did have plans to go out with her sister and some “friends” that Saturday, but said she was going to come to my place after. The plan was that I was going to have our Son for the day, she would go out and then come over afterwards. I planned a meal that I was going to make for our Son and I and was really looking forward to everything. Well, at the last minute she pulled the plug on everything. She told me that our Son would be staying with her mom and that she was going to stay at her sisters that night. This really upset me. I felt completely blown off. I didn’t understand it. Anyway, back on point. The next day we talked on the phone and all she did was bash a couple of her “friends” that were out with her. The only “friend” that she’s easy on was once one of my best friends. She’s married to a guy that I was very close to for around 15 years. I was part of their family. I was Uncle (my name) to their kids. My ex is besties with them now. Another story that I’ll eventually post. She has said some negative things about them as parents, but seems to be somewhat stable with their friendship. I wonder if it will last.

Bottom line, no, I wasn’t really introduced to her “friends”, although I felt I knew them well from her POV which was a negative one.

[donkey2016]

My ex didn't have many friends. He seemed totally depended on me. I could hardly see friends without him coming along. He would make a big drama if I wanted to go without him. He introduced me to some of his friends and family living not too far away. I had similar experiences (as someone wrote in this thread) of being very worried for him and myself - when he was threatening with among other things with suicide - and reaching out to these people. Only to be completely cut off from them soon after. It didn't make sense since they were first very understanding and helpful and then I was suddenly told by my ex that one of them didn't want to see me again. They are no longer friends on facebook. I don't want to bother them. Probably he was telling them all kinds of bad and untrue things. His child and the child's mother have completely broken contact with him which also should have been a big red flag.

I still feel how he's controlling me. Starting to feel now that it's just as well not to have contact with his friends and family. It just keeps the wound open.

I think like Lala that some things were so amazing that then we just tend to ignore red flags. Also no one is perfect - difficult to separate red flags from maybe things that can be overcome.

donkey2016

[SummerStorm]

My BPD friend introduces her boyfriends to her parents, but that's pretty much it.  After 3 1/2 years, I've never met any of her other friends or her boyfriends.  I had her one ex's cell number because he contacted me when my friend was rushed to the hospital after a suicide attempt.  After they broke up, I texted him to ask him what happened and to say I was sorry that it didn't work out.  We started chatting about common things we both had to deal with (silent treatment, name calling, etc.).  I asked him if he had ever met any of her friends, and he said he met one, very briefly, but that was it.  That friend was someone my BPD friend referred to as her "sister," so it struck me as odd that she wouldn't spend more time introducing her to her boyfriend, especially since she was living with him at the time. 

Actually, last week, my BPD friend emailed me and basically told me that I'm her only friend.  A week later, and she isn't replying to me at all, so I guess she doesn't have any friends.  And at this point, it's very easy for me to see why she doesn't.   

[Feelinstronger]

my experience was like Skyhawk.  My partner really did not have any close friends.  He is very close with w a brother and a sister - which, for me as an only, I thought was wonderful.  At the beginning it seemed like he had many friends - everyone knows him around town.  BUt after several years of on and off cycles, I came to see that when people first meet him they seem to like him, but over time, every bridge seems to get burned.  He often has an unpleasant episode of some sort which sours things and he then speaks poorly about the person, and they end up realizing something is "way off" with him.  I know for a fact that people around town and at our church wonder why I was with him.  Its terribly sad becuase he has so much to give - so generous with him time in helping others - yet things always end up badly.

[araneina]

I’m kind of with Skyhawk on this one. She does have people that she calls friends, but the way she talks about EVERYONE in her life behind their back is astounding.

Yeah, my ex did this too.  All of his friends (and family!) were to be blamed for something and the majority of them had wronged him in some way.  He had one friend he ___ed about constantly - this was probably one of his closest if not closest male friends.  I remember my ex being super bitter about his friend getting married and saying he didn't even think he'd go to the wedding, that he didn't care.  Guess who was smiling from ear to ear when he got asked to be a groomsman?

I think, at least in my ex's case, saying bad things about people he cared about helped deflect some of the pain he felt over the idea that they didn't care about him.  Or maybe it was just an attempt to convince himself that HE didn't care.

But yes, he would complain endlessly about his friends and coworkers to me, and then be sweet as a peach to them to their face.  God knows what he said about ME to his friends. :/

[Seenowayout]

Mine was like Skyhawk's, no childhood friends at all, but she was close to family.  She had 2 girl friends from work she would hang out with occasionally, but one was really bad news, we bumped into her accidentally, and she made a point to never introduce me to the other -- never understood what she was hiding.  Oddly, she had many many ex boyfriends though -- more oddly I thought I was different than them.  Oy!

[tryingsome]

She tried to introduce me to a few. I tended to hit it off well with these people and she did not seem to like it. Never saw them again. It felt like a competition. Others I never saw. I think there is a lot of shame and control here. Not sure. These days I don't worry about it; but she was very secretive/possessive of those from her past. She knew all my friends incidentally.

Life goes on. It is a good topic.

[Jeffree]

Mine showed me off to all her friends and family as well. I think that was part of the con job. "Look at how many people like me and how much fun I have partying with them!"

Meanwhile, a couple of them have written her off for good, just because they too are done being lied to.

Yet she's also from a culture that lives by the motto: "Family above all else." Meaning they will follow her off the cliff no matter what she does.

Some of them have been at family parties where she's losing her marbles at me or the kids, and her family members were baffled by her behavior, yet they did nothing to reach out to me to see if I was OK.

J