They want to leave you, stuck

[blueblue12]

i was in a long relationship/marriage. I am now on the road to recovery.

I was a caretaker, I was idealised, discarded and at the end abused badly. I had to soul search and with the help of my T have developed steadily. It’s a hard road, but at some point you do come to the conclusion that there was nothing you could have fixed there and all the love and devotion you delivered did not succeed in fixing any problems in the relationship.

At the end I have come to realise that her issues were so grand that the relationship was always going to explode at some point in time. Of course at the time, while immersed, I had no idea. My T alerted me to BPD then I found this site. I was just trying and trying to fix things, but she was on the road to destroy it all. And she did, badly.

Once that happens it is so damn hard to come back. Trust is gone. A few months after that sad demise, she wanted to fix things, but I just couldn’t see it, so after a short lived recycle, I kept away. She kept trying to entice me. I kept my distance. That was several months ago.

My ex after 6 months of basically NC, has decided to moved far, far away, but just before leaving sent me a little present in the mail with ‘love always xxx’, what does that mean? It is just another facet of this illness, a reminder that they want to leave you stuck!

[Pencil sketch]

You have hit the nail on the head. They want to keep us stuck, I always said that to my ex, but she always manager to turn it around, and leave ME questioning my behaviour.
They will never truly leave us, we will recover, accept, but there is a tenticle, that will always have it's grip around us. We have to accept, on so many levels, it becomes confusing.
I can sit here and say, I know mine has gone for good, she changed her number, which she has never done before, but I know, no matter how much time passes, the possibility will always be there, their mark is indelible.

[blueblue12]

It’s a strange feeling pencil sketch, and you understand it well. I find myself thinking about these issues daily, it’s hard to make them disappear. I don’t know how long it will take, for the time being though there is always a reminder.

[Bo123]

I wonder what it is about us that keeps us stuck?  It's like buying a car and the owner tells and shows you the transmission and engine are bad.  We buy it anyway, put a bunch of time and money into it and when it all falls apart we wonder what happened and why do I miss that car so much.  In my case I didn't know she was BPD until after the 1.5 year break-up.  I would have done so many things different.  Maybe the same outcome, but I too am now stuck 1 year+ NC and after all my investment I still can't move on.  Never been like that in any other relationship.  It seems we all have a million reasons to leave and never look back, yet we stay here and hurt.  What is wrong with us, me included?

[Pencil sketch]

Love the car analogy bo123. It's a question, I ask myself frequently, and I just can't find the answers. I think there is some kind of addiction there from our point of view, they were too good to be true, we saw what they wanted us to see, for their own gain.
We all loved hard, and with everything we have, and yet, here we all are, broken, trying to find our way, I wonder, if I behaved like an arsehole, she would have more respect for me, yet, she has made me feel like one, such a paradox.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

The feeling of being stuck resonates with me too at times. Bo123 started a topic about this. I posted there about this and thought I'd share it here too. My therapist recommended a book for me to read which I'm now reading. It's called "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes. He explains how some of us are emotionally addicted to being treated poorly due to trauma in our past. We tend to recreate those past events and sometimes we can't seem to stop. I just started reading it recently. I think it will help me and it may help you as well.

[mjssmom]

I have reached the wonderful state of indifference. I could care less what happens to him or what he does. He's typically not a thought in my head. I have no desire to return to him whatsoever but that hasn't kept him from the last 7 months checking in now and then trying to hook me again. I have blocked him every Avenue I can think of but every now and then I get a message through my Facebook Messenger from a friend of his saying he just wants to say hi. That's the only way he can find access to me now. Then I have to block them too. I don't feel stuck any longer. I hope everyone can attain that here.

[blueblue12]

I hear you mjssmom, I hope to reach that point as well. At the moment although a fair amount of NC time has passed I still ruminate, daily, sometimes I even feel sorry for her, I hope to reach the detachment you have attained.