Heart broken

[LostPanda]

Hi,  I am a week and a half in after a breakup with the love of my life, who has undiagnosed BPD.  She is also a severe alcoholic, victim of child sexual abuse, has ocd, and also a traumatic brain injury with 5 lesions on her brain. You should know that almost 2 years ago I was discarded from a previous relationship that lasted 8.5 years, with a narcissist. There was physical and emotional abuse. And it all ended with her cheating on me, shoving it in my face and then leaving. I lost 70 lbs due to depression and had to do a lot of internal healing. In this process I realized I am codependent due to lack of love that I never received as a child.

Then I met her. My current ex with BPD. She love bombed me and I fell for it, because I desired it so much. After almost 11 months of doing everything for her financially, providing emotional support every time she would call me crying, and being the only one driving to see her every weekend (lived an hour away). After all of that, she ended things out of no where. I am devastated. I feel lost.  I can't do simple daily things like doing the dishes, without breaking down. All I want is her. All I have known for almost a year is her and now she's just... .gone.  I need support and help right now. :'(

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

LP,

The brain injuries certainly throw a wrench into things.  I've seen only a couple of members here over the years struggle with this... .it's not a small thing,  and those injuries aren't your fault.  Still, you fell in love with this person, injuries and all.  Bad behaviors and all.  It hurts, causes aside... .

I feel with you regarding the FOO issues that you allude to.

I realized I am codependent due to lack of love that I never received as a child.

Many of us are there because of our past. Acknowledgement of this is a good first step in the long run.

A very senior member here once said,  "you can't fix what you have with one person with a completely different person.  It's impossible."

I know you're hurting badly right now, and I'm with you.  I was there too.  File that away for later. 

T

[LostPanda]

Thank you for your reply.  I am not in a good place.  I was holding onto hope that she would change her mind and come back to me, but this morning she changed her Facebook relationship status to single. So, it's done. I could be wrong, maybe she will still come back, but I just feel lost.

[Turkish]

The Facebook thing is hard... .4 years out and knowing better (it can hurt seeing things), I still check. 

Is there any avenue of communication still open to you? Have you reached out to a professional for support?

[LostPanda]

Yes, she is still communicating with me almost daily via text message and video chat.  Mostly we talk about our cats and how our day was but never talk about us. 

I am in the process of seeking a therapist but have to locate my insurance card before I can make an appointment. For now, my Dr did double my dosage of Prozac. 

[Turkish]

How are you doing now?

[LostPanda]

I am doing a little bit better. I haven't gone to a therapist test, but I noticed I am able to sit alone in quiet and not feel quite as anxious as before. I have good and bad days. I fear I am developing agoraphobia because of this all. I only go to work and come home, if I have to deviate from that I have an anxiety attack. Like, today I got my hair cut after work and felt like it couldn't get over fast enough, I just wanted to be home. Once I was home I was shaky and took some time to calm down. 

[Turkish]

I, like many here,  suffered from the anxiety.  It's a process to get over this which takes time, m even if staying home to emotionally deflate.

[Meili]

How are things going today?