How did your ex show you love, how did they show they didn't loved you?

[limetaste]

Let's take this thread and sum things up. How exactly did you knew your exBPD loved you or DIDN'T love you? I'm not talking about idolization-phases here, or commitment, nor devaluation-phases. For example: they wanted to get married, have kids etc - or they suddenly hated you. I'm talking about when things were okey, ordinary life situations.

What did THEY do for YOU that showed that they truly loved you? Bought presents? What did they do to show you they truly didn't loved you?

Let me tell you what my exBPD did do to show me she didn't loved me. We live in a huge city. I got social anxiety disorder from public traveling. I got smashed down years ago by some gang that knocked me out cold when I was leaving the subway. I can do public travel but it's a struggle. I'm working on it, she knows this, she had been training with me to go on subways.

We'd been out to another city which was much less stressfull and it went fine. We went to a festival and stayed at a expensive hotel, I bought it for her as a birthday present and she loved it. Next day I was having a huge hangover, of course she got trigged by it and started a fight. Anyways... .heading back we had to take the subway home, which was overcrowded (think Tokyo at rush hour) and I told her NO, I can't do this now. She got upset, the empathy level was at a childs level. She knows me, she knew I struggled with this. We took a small walk to the nearest station after, and went on the subway. It went fine for me at first, but I had to get out two stations before "ours". It didn't really matter, we were about to get pizza, and the pizzeria was one station from ours anyways.

She's still passive aggressive at this time. I order the pizzas. Shortly afterwards she outbursts, leaves and just walks home. I get the pizzas by myself and return home.

Talk about empathy... .

[SlyQQ]

Welcome faceyourself, you seem pretty cluey, which is unusual for a new poster, just curious why you are asking.

p.s. they never get to the acceptance stage of grieving.

[limetaste]

Welcome faceyourself, you seem pretty cluey, which is unusual for a new poster, just curious why you are asking.

p.s. they never get to the acceptance stage of grieving.

I want to split love from addiction. I want to split love from idolization-phases. Showing love isn't by words or by emotionel commitment, by words. To truly love someone is different; I often take this as an example - You're willing to perform surgery for a kidney donation towards the person you love. Would you donate your kidney? If the answer is yes - you love that person.

You're wrong about the grieving part. BPD's grieve, but in a different way than us. Major factor coping with a breakup for BPD's is to "MOVE ON", and they want to do it fast. They can do this instantly by theese factors:

1. Sex with random strangers
2. Dating instantly, trying to pursue "love" and imagine themselves to be "in love"
3. Rebound with anyone, often the "closest one" giving them confirmation (mostly a male beta-friend for females)
4. Drugs
5. Self-harm
6. Isolation/Depression
7. Last but not least - trying to recycle old romantic partners

This behaviour makes them shut off emotions from the breakup temporarily (this is due to their trauma from their childhood - the brain has learned to shut off emotionally when it gets too harsch, it's a coping skill that they can't control), and the abandonment-feelings they are experiencing afterwards. They can't take it. When their new "fix" stops giving them "relief" they are going to start grieving, or try a new way to deal with it. Dependant on which type of BPD we're talking about their actions are going to differ. The recycle always repats, see the 7 ways above.

[SlyQQ]

If you understand the genetics of altruism you will find the answer.

Prima facei it is a trait people should not have ( you are more likeley to survive if you are selfish)

but communities or tribes that help each other are more likeley to survive as a whole, due to genetic diversity, however what helps a species survive external shocks  is a mix between the two.

this means for example if an earthquake hits, some will runaway, and some will stay to help.

the mix is roughly 5% selfish 95% altruistic.

if an aftershock hits those that stayed to help will be (killed ) while those that runaway will help ensure a large enough base for the community to survive.

People with BPD are likely  to have been subject to early trauma that helps wire there brain to being non-altruistic, and hence they place there own needs above others etc etc

[SlyQQ]

Also,people with BPD definitely grieve it is just they are locked into the first four steps of the cycle and never reach the acceptance stage, anger denial, depression barganing are all there, in fact all they do is grieve.

[limetaste]

Also,people with BPD definitely grieve it is just they are locked into the first four steps of the cycle and never reach the acceptance stage, anger denial, depression barganing are all there, in fact all they do is grieve.

You're wrong about the last part - they don't place their "needs" over us. It's a coping skill. You can't reason with it, but you can try to understand it. 

[limetaste]

You're wrong about the last part - they don't place their "needs" over us. It's a coping skill. You can't reason with it, but you can try to understand it.  

You're right, but also wrong. They grieve in a different way. Mostly it happens after some time, their type of grive is depending also often depending on looks, and status. The devaluation-process against their new person is often compared to us. They often grief How their ex-partner has developed afterwards in a good way, mostly via status socially. They don't want their ex-NON to do great, they want them to suffer (why couldn't they, the exBPD isn't in their life anymore). They can also "charm" around to look at old partners and see how they "developed" and wanting their new rebound to be like that. Mirroring is fantastic.

I also don't like the fact that you take over this thread, talking about nothing that I was asking for. Are you a NPD? I can sense that you're triggered.

[SlyQQ]

LOL no just was trying to work out what you were really asking sorry.

[limetaste]

LOL no just was trying to work out what you were really asking sorry.

It's okey my friend. It's hard to understand "love" when you're in a cluster-b diagnosis yourself.

[Husband321]

I agree with the OP.

Since my relationship has ended I also asked myself this. 

Besides sex, and the love bombing phase, it was typically me helping her, worrying about her, being there for her etc. 

What she did for me was more or less keep promising how great she will be in the future.    After two years she was still trying to just function. 

Example... .

Her kids lived out of state.  I drove her 5 hours to see a half hour basketball game, then 5 hours back home. Basically on my day off driving 12 hours so she can see his game.

My son had a soccer game 5 minutes from the house. Morning of the game her: "hey going out for lunch with my sister."  "

Me: "oh. Well son has soccer game today"

Her   "Yeah what's the problem? You don't trust me?"

Me:   "What time will you be back?"

Her:  "I don't know.  I'll text when I am coming back"

It's like she was so empty inside that she wouldn't actually realize it would
Make my son happy if she went to his game.  Things she did for him before were seemingly "an act" to look like a great step mom.