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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Letting Go, again. and again.  (Read 386 times)
ynwa
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 293


« on: December 28, 2017, 11:29:49 AM »

I have written this post 3 times.   Each time, I lose focus.  I am simply not able to shut off my emotions and feelings and thoughts, for long enough to get myself straight.

She is gone.  I cannot and will not break the NC to contact her.  I feel like I have done enough.  But I waited for her for so many things before, I cannot expect her to do it now. 

She is Lucy with the football, and I am Charlie, always expecting her to change.  I respect that she has traits and a past, and is powered by her emotions.  Because I am too, trained to hold on to the pull and avoid the push.

I am going to have dinner tonight with one of her best friends, and her husband.  Because they wanted to.  And my mind races, why?  Am I doing it in some hope that a magic conversation leads to a magic understanding?

and i am scared.   of myself.  (i cant finish this now)  i lost it again.
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Lucky Jim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2017, 01:43:12 PM »

Hey ynwa, I wonder how much this person, one of her best friends, actually knows about her BPD behavior.  Those w/BPD are skilled at hiding their disorder from all but those closest to them.  Fill us in on the dinner, when you can.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
babyducks
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2017, 06:16:42 PM »

Hi ynwa,

I feel your pain ynwa.   and I am sorry for it.    Letting go of the relationship we hoped for,   the relationship we longed for is so incredibly difficult.     

I so understand the Lucy with the football analogy.    I have been right there too.   Right there asking myself how do I get off this Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)#$%ing football field, I don't want to play this game anymore.

Time helps.    Gentleness helps.   Therapy is still helping me a lot.    I say this over and over here,   I should probably change my tag line to read this and save myself some typing.

The only way I know to change my feelings about something or someone  is to change my thinking.

Changing my thinking is so grueling, back breaking, exasperating and sometimes down right hellish.

Changing my thinking leads me to places I don't want to go,  places that feel very uncomfortable.   but the road can only go forward.    there is no backing up.  I can't unlearn the thing I've deciphered.   I can't forget the things I thought before.

Be gentle with yourself.    You are a good person who gave a 110%.  You'll recover from this.  We all will recover from this.

'ducks
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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
ynwa
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2017, 05:01:44 PM »

Dinner went well, really well.  Another friend pointed out that they are MY friends, and that referring them as HER friends is pointless.

Another friend joined us, and it never veered into the directions it might have.  I had and still have a need for validation because I feel like her friend still sees me as the one who hurt her friend (my ex).

with all that, they have known her for far longer, and I am sure have seen her in her traits, but probably no where near what I and a few have.  However they will see me at my natural self, even right now, I am closer to the person that they met when our relationship was new.  

I realize this is a slow progression.  I cant expect to feel brand new or happy or whatever.   I have to understand that my stress levels and triggers are there.  I think that I may have PTSD at times, and of course my own in grown depression.

I struggle with self validation.  I have to remember that in addition to the relationship, I lost my job to a torn rotator cuff, which is in court to have surgery.  I started a new job in june, helping developmentally disabled people succeed in the workplace. This has done wonders for my codependence teaching me that problems are always relative and are mine to help not fix.  And I also got my teeth fixed so I can eat real foods with no issues. Lastly, I stepped away from being responsible for my mom.  Her own issues have bagged me for a long time.  My responses to her, are similar to those of my ex.  And letting that go, has helped.

Its been a lot.  I fail to take stock and see how far I have come, because again, I don't self validate very well.
The most important thing I have done for me at least, is to let my friends know that when my voice changes, and I talk a certain way, to remind me.   That person is the child, the adolescent.  The Adult is who is typing this.  More organized and to the point.   I am getting there.

Thanks for listening.

And Ducks,  that 110 percent, is 60 percent more than anyone should give.   Right?
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Bo123
Formerly "envision"
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 137


« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2017, 06:19:51 PM »

ynwa--Glad the dinner went well, it can be a great time or a disaster if one of them slips with info about her.  Been there, I avoid that at worst, at best, I'm ready to change the subject before they finish the sentence.  Your post would be funny if it wasn't so sad and true, all the ups/downs that go with  BPD stuff.

Lucky Jim--100% correct about hiding their BPD from others.  Mine was golden at work, employee of the qtr for 2 years straight, she could do no wrong.  Her friends, well 98% never believed any of the things I said she had done, I was making it up, to them she was the catch of the world, what was wrong with me.  Only finally when enough of her close friends that I had built an excellent reputation with and started to see a few things themselves and caught her in a few lies did they finally sit her down 2.5 years in the relationship and said something is not right, he's not lying like we thought.  The clouds opened wide and the sun shined through and I was vindicated among the few.  To the rest, I'm painted black still.  They are experts at hiding at least when the BPD is low level and they're high functioning.  Glad you brought that up.
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babyducks
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #5 on: December 31, 2017, 08:20:01 AM »

Hi ynwa,

I am glad dinner went well.    Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) to you for walking into the face of your fears.   I know that isn't easy.  You experienced a lot of loss in a very short time.


 I think that I may have PTSD at times, and of course my own in grown depression.


It's been suggested by my P that I have a form of a stress disorder called C-PTSD.   If you've never heard of it I would suggest Pete Walker and his book "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving".    It's been invaluable to me but I will admit it's been so exquisitely painful that I haven't finished it yet.

And Ducks,  that 110 percent, is 60 percent more than anyone should give.   Right?

Depends on the circumstances ynwa,... .certainly when dealing with dysfunction pouring in more energy and doubling down on our need to do good, been seen as caring, be the better person can bite us in the butt.

I don't think any relationship is ever always equal 50/50 but having it be reciprocal, mutually supportive and openly agreed on is where we are headed next.      Right?

 

Happy New Year.

'ducks
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