An Inventory of My Life

[Tattered Heart]

I laid awake for 4 hours last night determined that I would take a hard look at myself so I could figure out what in me is so broken that has allowed me to stay in my relationship. Something along the way didn't form correctly and I want to heal that. When did that moment take place?

I had a mostly normal childhood. Typical middle class family. Good parents. No abuse, violence, or anything like that. Went to private school. Had other middle class kids to play with in the neighborhood. I was involved in activities like choir, softball, and piano lessons. My dad was a working guy who would go through slight mood swings. He was often the center of attention, teasing us with jokes, but he could at times be angry and loud. I don't remember him ever spanking us but I was scared of his loud voice. My mom was a stay at home mom until I was in middle school. She was aloof. I don't remember her ever being a super affectionate mom but she took care of us well. She played with us and spent time doing lots of things with us. My sisters and I are also emotionally distant like her.

I was an anxious child. SOmewhere between 8-10 I became so anxious that I began to pluck out my eyelashes and hair. But my anxiety was there before that. I don't remember ever being a playful child. I don't remember being happy either. For as long as I can remember I've had a nervous tick that causes me to stretch and contort my face. It's gotten much better as I've gotten older but in times of stress I notice it.

Sorry for going on so long. I needed to look at this pattern because something in my childhood broke. Was it my mom's aloofness? My dad's high expectations?

I never really felt loved by my parents. I think my mom hated that I was a tomboy. She would also make comments about my weight and clothes. Even today she can still cause me to feel so much rejection with just a slight word. My H says she is selfish and I guess in a way she is. We talk every couple weeks on the phone but she starts to feel a little smothered if we talk much more than that. I think my preoccupation with always making sure I look put together is because of her. If I go into public without nice clothes or without my hair or make up on, I feel like people are staring at me, judging me, or won't take what I have to say seriously. While visiting with my sister at Christmas, she said it's interesting that all of us girls have found ourselves in relationships with selfish men. Both of them have divorced and are thriving in single life.

I think I've mostly worked through my dad issues. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loved me and was proud of me before he died.  I do have a moment in my childhood that keeps coming back to haunt me and I think it is a key moment in my life. I remember being in 1st grade and I had just gotten my report card. I had all A's and A+'s, except for one A-. My dad teased me and told me that I needed to get that A- minus up. I KNOW he was joking now. But feelings of not being good enough entered in at that moment. I could never understand why my sister would bring home C's and never got in trouble for it yet I felt like getting a B would be met with pressure to do better. I was the gifted child. I made honor roll and the top 25 students in my class. Every job I'm in a move up. People see leadership in everything I do--at church, at work, in extra curricular activities, this board. And it all comes down to that moment as a kid who couldn't take her dad's joke.

Which leads me to what brought me to this life review. I can't handle criticism especially from people in authority in my life or who I allow to have a voice to me. Criticism destroys me. It sends me spiraling into a pit of sadness. This is the one area that my H can hurt me so easily. For 3 days he has been extremely critical. It is the last area where he still holds power over me and I want to defeat my inability to handle criticism in me.

The other night he criticized me for the type of steak I bought. Then while cooking, he came over and adjusted the meat in the pan because it wasn't the way he wanted. While doing the dishes together he kept throwing them back into the water because they weren't clean enough for him. Yesterday he yelled at me for flushing the toilet in my bathroom at the same time as him in his bathroom. He also got mad at me for leaving a space heater where he tripped over it. Wednesday I told him I was proud of him for trying to quit smoking cigarettes and he criticized me for saying that. Yesterday he was mad that my "thank you" for him cleaning the house didn't specifically include the living room, only the kitchen. He is picking apart my sentences and correcting my words. When he first starts to be like this, I just realize he is feeling like he needs to be in control and try to ignore it but when it persists beyond more than a couple of jabs, I close up and withdraw my emotions from him and sink into myself and sadness.

For 3 days I've cried during my commute to and from work. I cry myself to sleep. I'm crying now. If I didn't have responsibilities I would have stayed in bed today because I am so sad I don't want to do anything. I can't seem to get myself out of this downward spiral because his words speak to that part of me that says "I'm not good enough." Most of his other behavior issues can bounce off me now pretty easily but his criticism goes deep.

How do I heal this? How can I not take his criticism to heart? I have to get this negative self thought out of me. I think this will be my New Year's goal.

  

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[juju2]

good morning,

you can get your self out of that mind set. 
I think that my problems started in childhood, lost my parents at a young age, always felt shy, not enough, never good enough, unsettled.  Married a workaholic and rage aholic, 17 yrs, 2 kids later, divorced.

My next serious relationship 7 yrs later was the one i write about here.  I think thru this relationship i finally see my part.  1st off, depending on anyone but myself to make me happy.  Its an inside job!

2.  What anyone says, is their business.  Like dont take anything personally.  (These are hard things, its practice and i am not good at it yet... .)

There is more, but when i constantly think of him, it is a red flag that my life is becoming chaotic.

3.  I didnt cause it, i cant cure it, and i cant control it.  (it can be filled in w anything, here it might be BPD, or another persons words and actions)


There is another way of living and new attitudes on this board, that is what i am finding.  For me, it is a daily process, sometimes fast, sometimes slow... .



Bless you, be kind to you, j

[an0ught]

Hi Tattered Heart,

not liking to deal with criticism at all is quite helpful to learn walking on eggshells. Coming from a broken family and not always feeling safe certainly helped me along the way.

How do I heal this? How can I not take his criticism to heart? I have to get this negative self thought out of me. I think this will be my New Year's goal.

I found in part that getting better at validation helped me with dealing with criticism. By vocalizing the gist of it and reflecting it back as her view it is easier for me to externalize it, factualize it and thus I perceive it as less emotionally taxing.

Then while cooking, he came over and adjusted the meat in the pan because it wasn't the way he wanted.

So the man came out of the bear cave with his bear fur and declared the woman can not cook steak. Fire and dead animals are the male domain  . Hardly surprising (particularly from someone with a weak ego) but it is a bit worrying that such male posturing is getting to you. It may be the time around Christmas and New Year that is getting to you - lots of stress and it can become all a bit overwhelming  . Don't beat yourself up or overanalyze it beyond seeing a sign that you need to take good care of yourself.

If I didn't have responsibilities I would have stayed in bed today because I am so sad I don't want to do anything.

There are such days but if there are too many it may be a sign of depression or a sign of needing a break. These things can be planned and done. Problems don't go away but are a little easier to carry .

He is picking apart my sentences and correcting my words. When he first starts to be like this, I just realize he is feeling like he needs to be in control and try to ignore it but when it persists beyond more than a couple of jabs, I close up and withdraw my emotions from him and sink into myself and sadness.

Trying to bottle your emotions won't work. He is obnoxious and somehow aggressive. An open conflict where steam can vent may be better than your trying to absorb all his negativity. Three strategies:
1) Validate that he is upset, in a bad mood or irritated by you.
2) A strategy that I call "open self validation" i.e. telling loudly yourself "I'm getting upset, I feel hurt". It helps you feeling what you feel and it can make clear to him what he is doing. If he does not stop -> boundaries because then he clearly needs to transfer his negative mood more than he is able to care cognitively about what he does to you.
3) Boundaries. Consistent physical leaving generally stops nonsensical behavior quickly and for good after a few rounds.

How can I not take his criticism to heart?

There is no way to avoid him hurting you and being vulnerable is part of being in a relationship. Telling yourself not to feel is self invalidating, it is a walling off strategy, damaging to the relationship and is not sustainable. The way to deal with negativity is either to process your genuine emotions or to reflect foreign emotions through validation or to protect yourself with boundaries.

  9 to you,

a0

[DaddyBear77]

TH - 

I had no idea other people did the thing where they forced themselves to stay up and find an answer to something! It rarely works well for me, but it always seems like such a good idea.

I have also struggled quite a bit to try and find answers to my own tendencies toward these kinds of relationships. I've also looked closely at my FoO and what might have happened. SO many things you describe match my own experience - distant mother, I was a straight A student, I was a leader in all that I did, my father could get loud and angry once in a while. But, despite all that, like you, I've only come up with a few random instances of things my parents may or may not have done wrong.

What I think it's MOST relevant, though, is that I was a really sensitive kid. Anxiety was what most people called it, but it was deeper. I picked up on emotional pain really easily, and because I was a smart kid, I'd latch on to that other person's pain and "own" it like it was my own. Long story short, both my parents, but particularly my mother, had deep wells of emotional pain from their own childhoods. So I don't think, for me, it comes from a specific thing my parents did or didn't do, but from the combination of my own personality and their circumstances. Maybe it's similar for you?

Here's my take on criticism - it's something others have said to me here on this board (I also have a hard time with the criticism, go figure!). Is the criticism true? Are we afraid it's true? Does it touch on something we might be insecure about? Do we feel like we're just a screw up loser at some deep down level so any criticism is something that needs to be JADEed or else we have to admit we suck?

In reality, break it down a little. Take the first criticism you mentioned - you bought the wrong steak. Ok. Freeze right there. What goes through your head? Is it doubt? Is it confusion? Is it anger? Would it be different if the criticism came from a stranger? Is there really such thing as "wrong steak"? I mean seriously. Meat is delicious. I grew up with cube steak, but my wife likes filet mignon - does that make one "bad" and the other "good"? You see my point hopefully. If you let someone else decide, you've given over your own power and autonomy to make decisions on your own.

Which brings me back to the earlier items about taking someone else's emotional pain on as my own. It's clear your husband is carrying around some sort of major feelings, and controlling everything around him is the easiest way to get over those feelings. But is it possible that what you carry from your childhood is a overwhelming sense of responsibility to help people get over their bad feelings? Giving in and responding to your husband's criticism might be your way of making sure your husband feels better emotionally as quickly as possible, and the consequence is that you've sacrificed YOUR emotional health in the process.

I am an electrical engineer. I know nothing about psychology so all of this could be way off base. But does any of it resonate with you? Could I be on to something (for both of us and others?)

[waitingwife]

TH,
I’m really sorry you’re feeling so down during the holidays. First of all we have certain expectations where we equate holidays to fun. So it must be hard for you to hae it turn out this way. Hang in there, this too shall pass.
Now with the criticism, have you read in the lessons- What would you do if your H said there is an elephant in the room with you all? BPDs negativity & criticism is just like that. Sometimes validation doesn’t work for me if my uBPDH has gone off the cliff and only one thing helps- Self care.
I’ve also noticed that when I’ve felt like staying in bed & crying(wich I’ve done a fair share), instead if I push mysef and go out & meet friends or treat myself to something nice, I come back with much more clarity. It also let’s my H know that I’ve had enough and let’s him deal with his yucky stuff/negativity.
Can you think of how you can care for yourself in a loving way now?

[ortac77]

Hi Tattered Heart

Firstly sending  .

I too have sometimes tried to 'think through' what brought me to where I am now? Wiser counsel than me made me realise that those answers were not in my head, I found that I needed to work through my experiences slowly and ruthlessly honestly with a trusted confidante to really start to understand. For me 12 step work coupled with counselling really helped (and still does).

When my partner is not coping well he can be highly critical, if I let it it can upset me - a good example I never load the dishwasher right, I mess up the order of food in the fridge! I have to remember that this is not about me, it is about him. When he used to drink too much and became angry and critical I learnt from a friend to 'visualise' - just to see a bottle of booze talking rather than the person, it helped a lot.

It sounds like you have let his criticism get to you, that would seem to be more about his own fragility and the need to offload it on to you, as others have said validate yourself - you have a right to your feelings and bottling them up is damaging to you. Can you get away, give yourself a break? Do you have friends or family you can talk to about your feelings.

Do something loving and caring for you, you are more than good enough and as we end this year I think its time we all acknowledged that those of us who live with this illness might not be saints but we are 'HEROS"

Happy New Year x

[livednlearned]

Hi TH,

I wanted to admire you openly   for being so vulnerable and brave. These aren't easy questions to ask ourselves. Hearing you ask yours is an inspiration.

One thing that might help is looking back a generation. What were your parents' parents like?

My FOO issues can be traced more clearly when I factor in my grandparents. Sometimes these original issues were more overt in their era, only to go underground with the following generation, then popping up again in us, without explanation.

If families swing between emotional reactivity on one pole, and emotional avoidance on the other, whole families wander around the wasteland between the two, not aware there are ways to be emotionally responsive without suffering, having forgotten or lost the relationship skills to guide the family.

We did not make ourselves, but nor did the people who made us  

I think this is true even if we did not know our grandparents.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Tattered Heart, there are numerous common points between us in terms of our childhood and how we deal with criticism. I don't have much to suggest in terms of confronting your childhood memories, which is a deeply personal experience. I can however give a suggestion for dealing with the fallout of these feelings in the present. I will share via a before and after example of how I now use self-compassion to cope with a common situation:

(Before) S4 does something naughty such as splashing me with bath water. My thought = S4 disrespects me because I am a failed person who looks ridiculous to everyone and is totally out of control of his life. I am also a failed parent. My reaction = yelling at him pulling him out of bath violently to regain feeling of control or power.

(Now) Same situation. My thought = Children are naughty. It's possible my son is doing this due to some parental failure on my part, but I am still learning and this is a new challenge. Parenting is very hard and I've done a lot of things right. I still have time to address and change the problem and I have confidence in myself to do so. It's also not a huge deal if he splashes me. My reaction = calming taking away one of his privileges for splashing, or ignoring it.

The key point here is how I interact with myself first, not my son or pwBPD. Instead of self pity or criticism, I give myself understanding. I might have failed, sure, but there is a reason. I failed, but am not a failure.     
 
This video shared to me by a member a few weeks ago completely changed my life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4

Hope this aids you in your journey. I think you are very brave to face these issues.

[Enabler]

I seem to spend a lot of my time saying to myself "Enabler, you did your best, her critism is either because she could have done better or is envious because she couldn't".

Only those who make choices or take action can be unfairly criticized.

Many of us want to offer trinkets of kindness to our SO's, by offering those gifts/acts of service we hope to be rewarded in kind with love and affection, or at the very least gratitude. This is our Love Language... .or at least the love language we use to speak to others with even if it's not the way we hope to receive Love. His criticism is ultimately a rejection of your love, your offering, your act of service and it hurts. Could you make a decision whether or not you want to offer these gifts? If they truly are gifts then should we give a gift with the expectation of something in return? It's tough because I think we all offer gifts with the expectation of a negative emotional impact.

Last night I was criticized for not not seasoning tomatoes as per the recipe. I believe it's because she needed to find some fault in the food I cooked because I got on and cooked because she was busy doing something else. I guess I invalidated her with my action, my rescuing was invalidating. Either that or she had something else going on maybe with her OM that was causing her to have negative feelings... .I don't know and I didn't much care, I just had a little chat with myself and then a little chuckle.

I use D9 as a good reference as uBPDw and D9 are of similar emotional ages. D9 complains she doesn't EVER get what she wants for dinner. To halt this endless merry-go-round argument I called the BS card and said "what would you like, when are we having it and by the way, you're helping to cook it". She did and she liked it. She liked the fairness of it so much now everyone is getting a turn to choose and cook!   

[Tattered Heart]

Here's my take on criticism - it's something others have said to me here on this board (I also have a hard time with the criticism, go figure!). Is the criticism true? Are we afraid it's true? Does it touch on something we might be insecure about? Do we feel like we're just a screw up loser at some deep down level so any criticism is something that needs to be JADEed or else we have to admit we suck?

In reality, break it down a little. Take the first criticism you mentioned - you bought the wrong steak. Ok. Freeze right there. What goes through your head? Is it doubt? Is it confusion? Is it anger? Would it be different if the criticism came from a stranger? Is there really such thing as "wrong steak"?

I am an electrical engineer. I know nothing about psychology so all of this could be way off base. But does any of it resonate with you? Could I be on to something (for both of us and others?)

The first thing that went through my head was anger and annoyance. He had been getting on my nerves already because he was stuck in being negative. If it was criticism from a stranger, it would have been completely different. I wouldn't care what a stranger had to say. Of course it wasn't the "wrong steak". I made the menu. I planned the meal. I bought the exact right steak for what I wanted to make. He just had a need to pick on something because he was feeling out of control. And that's what I could have easily thought if a stranger had criticized me. I gave him the power to affect my emotions with his criticism.

Enabler, i am a person of action. And that's why I am going to beat this thought process in my mind. I bought a book on Friday that speaks to what having an ignoring mother can do to a daughter and how it can affect their future relationships. It leads to co-dependent relationships and feelings of not being good enough.

My grandma was a cold mother and so was my great grandma. I call that a generational curse and generational curses can be broken. My mom probably struggles with the exact same issues in her mind that I do. But I posted about that on the learning board so I'll not get into that too much here.

[Enabler]

I bought a book on Friday that speaks to what having an ignoring mother can do to a daughter and how it can affect their future relationships. It leads to co-dependent relationships and feelings of not being good enough.

It can also (maybe) lead to BPD, my uBPDw being evidence... .that said my MIL fluctuates between lovely, evil knifey and silent treatment (2 weeks apparently). From what I've read the child i.e. you, can't balance the equation of cause and effect thus substitutes the actual cause of silent treatment (abnormal parental behavior/PD) with the only available alternative which is "I am bad/naughty/wrong/annoying/failure/ugly/careless". Children aren't programmed to believe their parents are bad people.

This inability for children to balance the cause and effect equation is so damaging.