Is this normal, or am I being used?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'll start of by mentioning that I'm dating a woman who appears to have many, if not most, of the traits listed for BPD/NPD. She has been clinically observed as having a personality disorder, but she feels her problems in life are due to others having issues, not herself. She is quite gullible and easily taken in by the words of other's-even though she is highly intelligent. In addition, she has in the past expressed fears of abandonment and feels a certain emptiness inside. Her previous marriage was to someone who was highly narcissistic, controlling, prone to violence, and unfaithful. She continues to ruminate with anger over the issues in that marriage. However, she remains high-functioning, is able to work full-time and owns her own home. We are in our 40's, no children (other than for her previous marriage), and we have been together for almost 5 years but are not married or living together.

Our relationship has been one big roller-coaster ride. We've broken up more times than I can count. First over her overwhelming need to be taken care of, then mostly over very trivial things. Most of the breakups have been impulsive, as in when she can't get her way and goes off the deep end emotionally; however, I believe she also does this in order to avoid feeling engulfed when things are going really smooth between us. Of course, each time I've been recycled it's due to her preference of being with me than with someone else. There is no doubt in my mind that she is both physically and emotionally attracted to me. Thus, I believe it when she says she loves me, but I find it strange that she has doubts about relationships in general.

In the past we've tried living together. Though I never viewed it as being a serious commitment on her part, considering she left all of her belongings at her place except for her clothes. Also, she refused to help out with the utility bills and groceries. As I mentioned previously, she would often pick fights in order to gain control or as a way for her to spend time at her own place by herself. Anyway, the revolving door lasted about a year, then I put a stop to it. Since then we've lived in separate homes and have completely separate lives. She still claims that she can only be together with me over the weekends, and then she needs her personal space for the rest of the week.
 
In addition, she believes that I need to change for her in order to fulfil her needs. This was the overriding complaint she had a year ago in couples counselling, that she feels I'm not doing enough for her and that the quality of a man is in how he takes care of the financial wants and needs of a woman. She totally refused to listen to the counselor's opinion on this, and she honestly feels that she is making a big enough compromise by just spending time with me. The psychologist terminated therapy after repeatedly asking her the real reason she wanted to be with me. Strangely enough, she has just started seeing another psychologist, and it's been mostly in regard to her anger over not being able to find a guy (me?) willing enough to cave into her list of requirements. Other than this issue, things have been going reasonably well between us.

All of this leads up to what has just happened over Christmas: out of nowhere, she is again back at professing the need for me to be more generous towards her, and that she would like to go travelling to exotic places (of course on my dime, and she knows I'm of limited means). In the same breath she claims to be happy with our relationship the way it is-where we just continue seeing each other on weekends without any real commitment. She just wants more of a financial commitment out of me.

So, here's where I'm stuck: I'm not sure why she even bothers wasting her time being with me if I'm repeatedly refusing to take on the role she wants me to play. Of course, I'm scratching my head as to why someone so attractive as her, keeps coming back to me. It's now become a bit like flogging a dead horse. I'm no longer sure what I'm even dealing with here. My gut tells me that she is confused and unsure with what she wants in life. Another part of me fears she hasn't been all that open and honest about it. I'm not sure whether I should just walk away at this point. So, are partners with BPD like this? And how do I make sense of this relationship? Will she ever grow up? Any advice, or even opinions, would be appreciated.

[nevereverends]

I'll start of by mentioning that I'm dating a woman who appears to have many, if not most, of the traits listed for BPD/NPD. She has been clinically observed as having a personality disorder, but she feels her problems in life are due to others having issues, not herself. She is quite gullible and easily taken in by the words of other's-even though she is highly intelligent. In addition, she has in the past expressed fears of abandonment and feels a certain emptiness inside. Her previous marriage was to someone who was highly narcissistic, controlling, prone to violence, and unfaithful. She continues to ruminate with anger over the issues in that marriage. However, she remains high-functioning, is able to work full-time and owns her own home. We are in our 40's, no children (other than for her previous marriage), and we have been together for almost 5 years but are not married or living together.

Our relationship has been one big roller-coaster ride. We've broken up more times than I can count. First over her overwhelming need to be taken care of, then mostly over very trivial things. Most of the breakups have been impulsive, as in when she can't get her way and goes off the deep end emotionally; however, I believe she also does this in order to avoid feeling engulfed when things are going really smooth between us. Of course, each time I've been recycled it's due to her preference of being with me than with someone else. There is no doubt in my mind that she is both physically and emotionally attracted to me. Thus, I believe it when she says she loves me, but I find it strange that she has doubts about relationships in general.

In the past we've tried living together. Though I never viewed it as being a serious commitment on her part, considering she left all of her belongings at her place except for her clothes. Also, she refused to help out with the utility bills and groceries. As I mentioned previously, she would often pick fights in order to gain control or as a way for her to spend time at her own place by herself. Anyway, the revolving door lasted about a year, then I put a stop to it. Since then we've lived in separate homes and have completely separate lives. She still claims that she can only be together with me over the weekends, and then she needs her personal space for the rest of the week.
 
In addition, she believes that I need to change for her in order to fulfil her needs. This was the overriding complaint she had a year ago in couples counselling, that she feels I'm not doing enough for her and that the quality of a man is in how he takes care of the financial wants and needs of a woman. She totally refused to listen to the counselor's opinion on this, and she honestly feels that she is making a big enough compromise by just spending time with me. The psychologist terminated therapy after repeatedly asking her the real reason she wanted to be with me. Strangely enough, she has just started seeing another psychologist, and it's been mostly in regard to her anger over not being able to find a guy (me?) willing enough to cave into her list of requirements. Other than this issue, things have been going reasonably well between us.

All of this leads up to what has just happened over Christmas: out of nowhere, she is again back at professing the need for me to be more generous towards her, and that she would like to go travelling to exotic places (of course on my dime, and she knows I'm of limited means). In the same breath she claims to be happy with our relationship the way it is-where we just continue seeing each other on weekends without any real commitment. She just wants more of a financial commitment out of me.

So, here's where I'm stuck: I'm not sure why she even bothers wasting her time being with me if I'm repeatedly refusing to take on the role she wants me to play. Of course, I'm scratching my head as to why someone so attractive as her, keeps coming back to me. It's now become a bit like flogging a dead horse. I'm no longer sure what I'm even dealing with here. My gut tells me that she is confused and unsure with what she wants in life. Another part of me fears she hasn't been all that open and honest about it. I'm not sure whether I should just walk away at this point. So, are partners with BPD like this? And how do I make sense of this relationship? Will she ever grow up? Any advice, or even opinions, would be appreciated.

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[ortac77]

Hi and welcome!

You mention that she has been clinically observed as having personality disorder, was she clinically diagnosed and if so there are different personality disorders?

Certainly the behaviours you are describing fit very much with BPD, although I might suggest that you think about some of the questions you are asking? There are many resources on this site explaining the characteristics of this illness, certainly not all persons with BPD are the same, it will help you to understand what you may be dealing with.

My own opinion is that one needs to educate oneself about the illness before you can decide what is the right course of action - living with a pwBPD I have had to learn a whole new set of tools - I continue to learn, its not been a walk in the park but I have found reading the posts of others and using the lessons on the right side of this board invaluable,

Again welcome and I hope you find the help that you need