Marriage to BPD wife

[Smitten]

I have chosen to write instead of continually reading about the BPD world I live in as a form of therapy for myself and consultation for others.  First off, I am so thankful for the professional body of work that has gone into diagnosing this disorder, without it I would be working on instinct, judgment, and experience about what is normal in relationship behavior.  I met my wife at a street festival where she was volunteering as a face painter for children.  Finding her attractive, I approached her began small talk. Red Flag 1: Her female boss was in earshot of our convo realized there may be romantic opportunity for my now wife and told her to take a break (so that we could continue our convo).  My wife refused to take a break appearing almost transfixed on her task.  I found it socially odd, but dismissed it. Would learn later it was one of the BPD traits as social misfits (there BPD comes out social situations).  RED FLAG 2: fast forward I leave my number, contact her later and find out she is in a long distance relationship.  Two weeks later she calls me and we set up a date (BPD’s have no loyalty to their significant other, cheating is what they do!.  What about your long distance relationship!) RED FLAG 3:  After first date eating out, next date she invites me over.  Cooks a great meal and we have sex later that night.  But before sex and after the meal I notice she becomes irritated to the point I feel like I should leave and do. She texts me a message that shifts blame for her mood swing on to me: something like “ if you don’t like me just say it”.  Let me pause here because this is where many men will slip into the addiction of being with a borderline woman.  I returned to her apt and we had sex.  The sex came easy and it was great! Note: 7 year old just woke up... too much to write it all now will pick up my writing later...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi Smitten,

often there are red flags  we overlook. But then everyone behaves odd once in a while and sometimes it is best to give the benefit of the doubt. The initial phase of such relationships can be very intense and then remains burned in our mind. Little we can do to change the past and often these stories tell us as much about the person with BPD as they tell about ourselves. The way you tell it it sounds like you were an open personality at the time connecting easily with others and that can be a good thing. Listening to our instincts and saying no at the right times is a complementary skill that is often not so developed in partners of people with BPD.

How are you doing now? Where do you struggle?

,
a0

[pearlsw]

Hi Smitten,

Just wanted to join in here with you and anOUght and say welcome. I think it could serve you well, in time, to share about the things you are experiencing. It helps to see them written out at times so you can make sense of them and benefit from the insights of others.

I want to remind though that we should be careful not to overgeneralize about people with BPD. I have noticed in my time here while there is certainly a lot of overlap and are a lot of echoes between our stories, there are also significant differences. I notice for example when I read about women with BPD it sounds very, very different in many ways from men with such traits. I haven't sorted it all out yet, that's just "the feel" I have around that issue.

I suppose we could all "red flag" our relationships at the beginning for one thing or another, but life happens, and sometimes we misread things or think that certain things could not possibly be as bad as it first seems. Who knows. Nothing to beat yourself up over, okay? We can learn to identify red flags and choose to heed them with extreme caution, but life is not without some level of risk and we aren't expected to be mental health experts. We're just regular folks, most of us here.

Tell us more when you have time! How long have you been married? What are some of the current difficulties you are dealing with?

Take care and wishing you well, pearlsw.