The New Year

[Depression = 72% of members]

hi everyone,

I hope everyone had a nice new year... .it has been a challenge, I know

I have been off the board for a couple of days, I needed to get away from the entire BPD issue. Today, I am back.

I have noticed a slight, almost imperceptible, shift. For the initial days/weeks after she discarded me I didn't think I would ever be able to clear my head, gain control of what images and memories my mind created. I needed emotional ER. But, thankfully, I do have moments where I can watch a TV shows, or have a conversation where I'm not fighting my urge to breakdown.

As awful as it was to see, that I saw that my ex is back with an old boyfriend was incredibly helpful. It was the hot-stove-touch. It was so absolutely terrible, the pain and embarrassment so intense, I have not gone back on instagram to see anything else. This is a huge thing for me. Sadly, I found myself constantly checking her IG page for any signs (good/bad), and as a way to bring memories of us in the front of my brain--as if the more I thought about and remembered the closer I felt.

But no more.

I now see how badly texting her xmas eve and on xmas. It was one of the worst things. And I was relieved that NYE went by without false hope.

As I have written in previous posts, I have gone back and forth between LC and NC. [and thank you for everyone that has written to my posts and offered advice and support, thank you all]

Now I am completely NC. For now I have her blocked from contacting me. This used to bother me, wondering if she was writing. After seeing that she was with an old boyfriend, that all changed. It is more self protection of my emotions, mind and sanity.

I am coming to the conclusion that, to me, she no longer exists. Her memories still haunt my mind, but, hopefully, over time the haunt will turn into a mild discomfort to, eventually, just another memory of days gone by.

[Shoct]

hi everyone,

I hope everyone had a nice new year... .it has been a challenge, I know

I have been off the board for a couple of days, I needed to get away from the entire BPD issue. Today, I am back.

I have noticed a slight, almost imperceptible, shift. For the initial days/weeks after she discarded me I didn't think I would ever be able to clear my head, gain control of what images and memories my mind created. I needed emotional ER. But, thankfully, I do have moments where I can watch a TV shows, or have a conversation where I'm not fighting my urge to breakdown.

As awful as it was to see, that I saw that my ex is back with an old boyfriend was incredibly helpful. It was the hot-stove-touch. It was so absolutely terrible, the pain and embarrassment so intense, I have not gone back on instagram to see anything else. This is a huge thing for me. Sadly, I found myself constantly checking her IG page for any signs (good/bad), and as a way to bring memories of us in the front of my brain--as if the more I thought about and remembered the closer I felt.

But no more.

I now see how badly texting her xmas eve and on xmas. It was one of the worst things. And I was relieved that NYE went by without false hope.

As I have written in previous posts, I have gone back and forth between LC and NC. [and thank you for everyone that has written to my posts and offered advice and support, thank you all]

Now I am completely NC. For now I have her blocked from contacting me. This used to bother me, wondering if she was writing. After seeing that she was with an old boyfriend, that all changed. It is more self protection of my emotions, mind and sanity.

I am coming to the conclusion that, to me, she no longer exists. Her memories still haunt my mind, but, hopefully, over time the haunt will turn into a mild discomfort to, eventually, just another memory of days gone by.

[Inside]

It can be a slow slog…  I remember when I was ‘someone’s replacement,’ it never made sense how she wanted to ‘show me off’ around town.  Guess I believed it was her pride in me!  ... .right...   It seems that in order to lessen their pain, they need to place as much as possible on us.  Watching or knowing that we’re hurting apparently gives further ‘validation’ of their worth, as in, ‘look at how much I’m loved, wanted, and missed,’ ‘I must really be something!’  Also, there appears to be a need to leave us in such a busted up state as not to challenge them, not to interfere with their next affair -- they just want us in a heap … as they appear to triumphantly move on. 

You’ve no doubt friends who’ve witnessed the turmoil, use them.  Let them know what you experienced, then let them provide you with both distractions and alternatives…  Yes, they’ll soon get sick of the story, and may consider you stupid and weak for having ‘allowed this to happen,’ but that’s what friends are for 

I had to maintain a mental list of the horrid stuff, that without a doubt heavily outnumbered the good (which says a lot).  Forced myself not to contact her in any way or for any reason, $he still owes me money, if money ‘well spent’ keeping her away!  When I’d have an urge for contact, I’d begin running down my list… It wouldn’t take long, the longing would pass - and I’d be so proud of myself! 

But, it’s not just you -- though she’s currently entertained, that rarely lasts...   They want to think you’re on their shelf, and that’s not a complement!  Quite the opposite, it’s a shelf in a room you don’t want to be…  In other words, she will eventually contact you, so be prepared to ignore, and ignore ... and if it’s even more like my experience, ignore again... .  They are Stalkers, and fear what you know about them, so you’ll be watched. 

And if everything appears to be hunky dory with your replacement, fine.  Continue to heal, and when he ends up here - you’ll be ready to console him 

[Shoct]

Thank you so much Inside -- that was a great post.

Like i wrote, right now I need to think/read less about BPD and my ex. I am able to have moments where I can actually lose the ghost of her. I go back and forth a lot, but I do feel I need life-support less, but there are times when I get overwhelmed.

And, again great post, the idea about it not being good to be 'on their shelf' is something that I am beginning to accept and champion. For the first two weeks after we ended I think I subconsciously did things to make sure I would see her again, or at least have contact. I told myself I wasn't doing this, but I think i was. I know that probably doesn't make sense.

As fas as a mental list: that was something else I had trouble with, like my mind wanted to bury the bad and highlight the good for some sick reason. But, after I saw that she is back with an old boyfriend (and how that came to be) was all the list I needed to have me go NC, total. I have not broken that at all, and I hope I don't.

I worry that as i feel stronger and more over her i will be like 'i just want to see what she is up to' and check her social media. I hope I don't.

Thanks again Inside

[getfree]

As fas as a mental list: that was something else I had trouble with, like my mind wanted to bury the bad and highlight the good for some sick reason. But, after I saw that she is back with an old boyfriend (and how that came to be) was all the list I needed to have me go NC, total. I have not broken that at all, and I hope I don't.
Thanks again Inside

I think the mental list is a great idea - I actually wrote down a physical list when I was going through my initial stages of decoupling which really helped. It made me realize to what extent I'd be treated poorly and how many downright awful things she had done on a regular basis.

For whatever reason during the r/s itself I had either ignored them or downplayed the significance.

I would definitely suggest having a "list" of some kind and just breaking it out when you feel an urge to contact her etc. Another idea I read on these forums (but didn't do myself) was to make a photocopy of that list and burn it whilst retaining another copy for use when you think positively.

As for social media checking, I was guilty of these and I discovered very little (she doesn't have a lot of social media) I suspect she went back to the guy that I replaced.  To be honest it just makes me feel sorry for both her and him but if you actively tell yourself that it doesn't matter what she is doing or where she is then the curiosity will pass.

I saw my ex both today and yesterday after 13 months (I suspect I am being stalked somewhat as the coincidence seems unlikely) and I am so passed it is barely registering.

You will get there too sooner than you think.

[Shoct]

thank you getfree, your post was helpful.

That you saw your ex and just kind of went 'meh' is my dream. No hate, no sadness, no love, no lust, just whatever. Indifference is the gold.

As far as social media my situation is a tad different. We met through instagram, both of us with larger footprints on that platform. She is a model... .so her IG account is her looking, well, like a model. And as she has done it for awhile now, generally it's her boyfriend of the hour that takes the photos. So, if I check, not only does she look stunning but I get to see who she is dating. So, I am incredibly glad I stopped looking. I was tempted today to check the guy's page she is dating (an ex bf), but I was mindful enough not to look.

But, again, someday i will be at a point where none of that crap makes a difference.

Indifference... .the quest

[getfree]

Yes it was an indifference with a (very very) small addition of pity.

She didn't look like she was doing well and I am very thankful that I was not attracted to her at all. I wouldn't give her a second glance if I was starting from fresh now.

I think your situation is complicated by the fact that she is active on Instagram and is a model. I don't know if it was intentional but your description makes her sounds incredibly insecure and shallow - she is using Instagram (like a lot of pwBPD) as one big validation device that never stops 24 hours a day.

You also mentioned that its the bf taking the pictures which means they are rarely (never) in the photo with her.  Its all about her isn't it?

It will be an almighty crash when she starts to lose her looks and the validation slot machine stops paying out tokens ad nauseum.

Well done on you for not looking at the social media. If it helps I pity both her and the "new also ex" boyfriend. All people with BPD get my pity on a theoretical level and anyone who voluntarily signs up for another round of a relationship with a pwBPD gets a double helping of pity.

Just keep remembering that despite how she looks (my ex was v.attractive to me when I met her 3 years ago) they are disordered and mentally ill individuals and almost nothing physical and compensate for the damage they can (and often do) cause to their loved ones. The looks are not in my view adequate compensation and they are a depreciating quality in any event.

As for indifference it just comes... .for me it was seeing her in the flesh unexpectedly and not feeling anything. The reality is I was invested in my own feelings about it far longer than I was invested in her per se.

If there is no chance you will see her like I am exposed to then I suppose the test will be when you spend a day not thinking about her or her social media without having to actively try.

I promise it will come though - keep working at it and looking after yourself... .better things are coming for you I am sure.