New at this

[Beagrace]

I am not sure where to even start. My relationship ended six days ago after I have spent six years with a man who suffers from severe depression. Nine months ago, he abruptly ended the relationship because he believes that I "changed" because my attention shifted to family matters.  I have seen a change in his behavior where he has become cruel, verbally abusive, has been degrading, rejected me, alienated me and his siblings, he is not truthful and has no recollection of what he has said or hadn't said. I have tried for nine months to help this person at the expense of my own health and wellbeing. His perception is not logical. He goes from extremes where he is calm and then screaming.  He denies his behavior is troublesome, he has stopped counseling, tries to convince me that it is I who has the problem. This man has broken my spirit. He has lied to counselors, used me for his benefit, lied to my face, made me the villain and him the victim. Six days ago, I found out that he had a woman move in with him that he supposedly meant 5 weeks ago.

I have been in counseling for almost 6 months trying to make sense out of what has and is happening. The counselor who I see has used terms as bipolar, narcissistic, personality disorder to explain his behavior. I am struggling with hurt, rejection, and dealing with this persons illness knowing that I can't help him. He doesn't want help although he says that he knows he is not well. I just bought the Stop Walking on Eggshells Book and it fits this person to a T. I just am struggling with how to let go. Despite this persons actions, I stayed to try to help him because I was committed to this man.  Although he is not the same person that he was even 9 months ago, I struggle with the cruelty, abusive treatment that I have endured trying to be the better, loyal, loving partner who has fought so hard to not abandon this person who once loved me.

I believe he is a narcissist, who manipulated me. I am just trying to sort through all of this and come to terms with his illness which he clearly denies. How do I even begin to pick up my pieces and move forward?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Inside]

I hope the counseling you’ve been receiving will help you to move away.  The ‘cluster’ of disorders he apparently falls into include BPD, so traits may overlap.  My xBP partner had not to my knowledge been formally diagnosed, either.  But refusing to allow themselves to be ‘labeled,’ as she put it, is also part of their behavior. 

If ‘your gut’ has led you here, and walking on eggshells is describing what you’ve come to know, or if narcissism is at the base, it’s not going to change. After reading that Author's next book (twice) ... .I concluded the root cause lies within the brain, thus is incurable.  There’s treatment, but no cure, and few seek or follow through on treatment.

As happened with me, their condition became known to you.  You can no longer be fooled, the lies don’t work and the scar tissue’s too thick. I wouldn’t recommend you let sympathy, or loyalty draw you back, but do your best to regain your strength while moving away.

If he has this suddenly turned to another woman, I view that as confirmation that it is - and most importantly - should be over between you.  If you feel his condition is BPD, you’re at the right place.  Continue to learn, but please use what you learn as information and answers to what you’ve dealt with, not as a way or means to reconnect.  If nothing else, ‘respect’ his choice to move on, and do the same. 

This will appear much more difficult for you, because you have the capacity for a depth of love he doesn't.  But, you will learn, heal, and move forward with a greater knowledge of yourself and the world around us.  He is doomed to repeat this behavior, incapable of amending it, and very likely creating another member of this community…

Be strong, it may take all you’ve got.  But for the fact it hurts shows the depth of your ability, not only to love, but to survive and recover.