Anyone self-medicating with alcohol as a means to cope?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Anyone else find themselves wanting and actually getting blottoed cause it provides temporary relief even tho you know it's wrong?

[Nicole1018]

Anyone else find themselves wanting and actually getting blottoed cause it provides temporary relief even tho you know it's wrong?

[ArleighBurke]

Of course! I think escape is a natural method for coping with stress.

Pity it doesn't work.   Temporarily yes, but the next day your problems are still there - are now you have a hangover a well.

Escaping by going for a bike ride, or swimming laps, or doing a fitness class - even putting on a great movie - much better for you, but it's not quite the same. Like eating bacon flavoured tofu vs real bacon. I'm not sure why the high of doing something bad for your body is so much better than the "high" of doing something good - I can only think that short term reward is more valued by your body than long term. But there is a deep level of satisfaction I get knowing that I didn't succumb to a bender - a sense of pride almost when I wake the next day and thank myself for not overindulging - or looking back and see that I've been "good" for a few weeks. And I would like to think that my will, my disipline, my selfpride project from my character when I meet people - they may not know why, but they will "feel" that self-strength I have.

I hope... .

[Mutt]

Hi Nicole2018,



I felt guilty too when I was getting drunk to blot out the pain at the onset of the breakup. It had me really worried because I could see how I could crawl into a bottle and not cope with what was happening. Thankfully I had my kind s’s to motivate me to heal and move forward.

I also use to self medicate because of anxiety and panic disorder. I didn’t know at the time that that was what I was going through and alcohol was the only that I felt normal. I take care of both with meds and a work out routine, I agree with ArleighBurke, m workout but make sure that you break a sweat to boost your mood.

[itgetsbetter94]

I was never a drinker, so I can't be much of a help.  But last few days, I rediscovered the Simpsons and been binge - watching them and laughing like crazy. I'm glad when I hear myself laugh.  I missed that. I missed being entertained and having my thoughts wrapped around something other than my ex.
I'm also treating myself with sweets and everything delicious that comes to my mind (although I said I'd start eating healthier in 2018 ).

Give some good old comedy a chance. I remember Orange is the new black was a lifesaver few years ago when I needed to let my brain of the hook.

[Bo123]

Few find happiness and the bottom of the bottle, but as you say using it to cope may work for a while but maybe that's all you need to get past a bad night or a few bad nights.  Stay at home, don't drive and if you don't drink enough to give you a hangover but that escape so you can go to sleep, I think many more do that than admit it.  Seeing your Dr if you have anxiety or problems sleeping, many options are available.  Too bad there are no quick cures.  Post your feelings here and if you need a few drinks at home and stay there, don't feel guilty or beat yourself up about it, you already have enough things to think through.  Best of luck, I know it's tough.

[Pencil sketch]

Love the honesty on here. I think we have all found solace in the bottom of a bottle, I have done it several times, but felt ghastly the next day. My ex had a drink problem, and uses.it to deal with the trauma in her life, her marriage ending, business folding, and her mother dying, she hasn't dealt with any of it. I look at how she was before we split, and I told myself, I would never want to be like that.
My heart breaks everyday, and I miss her so much, I can barely breathe, I have to go through this, and learn, listen to what my mind and body are telling Me.
We are only human.

[defogging]

I'll admit it helps ease the pain (temporarily) but I limit it for a number of reasons.  I'm still in the relationship and we have kids, so the biggest reason is the example I set for them.  I keep it to a few beers on Friday/Saturday nights and decided a few months ago that even if there is a great football game on I will be abstaining on work nights.   

I work out 6 days a week, and this greatly helps relieve stress but for me it's not something that will relieve all of it.  I do love me a good IPA so that's something I don't think I'll ever give up completely.

I think some alcohol is certainly okay, but you have to be honest with yourself about whether it's affecting your family/life or not.

But there is a deep level of satisfaction I get knowing that I didn't succumb to a bender - a sense of pride almost when I wake the next day and thank myself for not overindulging - or looking back and see that I've been "good" for a few weeks. And I would like to think that my will, my disipline, my selfpride project from my character when I meet people - they may not know why, but they will "feel" that self-strength I have.

I totally agree with this.  Sometimes when I'm debating on having a few beers I tell myself "I never regret NOT drinking the next morning".  What you said about discipline and self pride is something I'm going to add to that self-talk.

[araneina]

Anyone else find themselves wanting and actually getting blottoed cause it provides temporary relief even tho you know it's wrong?

My ex was an alcoholic and we drank quite a bit together, so after he eventually left me I continued drinking.  Thankfully I am improving (therapy helps) and I now drink a LOT less.  Meanwhile he informed me weeks after our breakup that he had been arrested for a DUI and had also suffered alcohol poisoning, so he was going to limit himself to "just 2 beers a day from now on."  Sheesh.

Drinking doesn't help.  If you're not already in therapy, go.  I was terrified to go into therapy but god, just telling someone about all the nonsense that went on in my relationship was a huge weight off of my shoulders.  Good luck to you.

[Fie]

Yes, I did that. For quite a long time, acutally.

Unfortunately I live in a country where we have kind of a 'gastronomic' culture and a lot of people drink quite a lot, every day. So for a long time I didn't even realize I drank a little too much.

Some years ago I started meditating and along with that, I stopped drinking every day. I didn't even do it on purpose ... it just happened.

I feel more clear now. And I feel better not 'needing' my glass of wine every day.

[JNChell]

Yes. Even during the relationship at times. Like others have posted here, I have a child that is looking up to me. I need to keep it at the forefront of my mind that he’s developing his frame of reference when it comes to coping, among many other things. For me personally, the self medicating makes me weaker and is helping to keep me stuck. This is when I fail at not reaching out to her, and when she responds I just feel worse again.

[Aesir]

I've done it but it seems to only make things worse over time.

[Tosquinha]

I did.  And I was pretty well plastered every chance I got for about 6 months before I ended up in detox for 3 days.  The thing of it was, I really didn't even process or grieve during that time (well, maybe so, but drunk) and when I finally made it out to the other side without having to self medicate, that grieving process came in full force.  It was horrible.  It took another 6 months to not cry every day at the end of this, to not ruminate all of the time, to obsess about what I did or could have done to avoid her issues.

It was a strange, strange time.

[Lost-love-mind]

Everytime I drink I think of my exBPD.
 I need to stop the drink
 I actually would pull up pictures of her after I drink
 I had to stop that
Everything was about trying to get her back.
I had to stop that.
6 mos. Out and it is finally dissapating.
My busy season (taxes) is coming up.
No more self wallowing.

[FlyFish]

My ex BPD partner and I have been split for 2.5 years and after a devastating break I began to use alcohol to stop the pain. It’s the only way I knew of at the time that helped me cope. Unfortantely, I still drink often to the point of unhealth when I’m having bad days. I was not a huge drinker before I met her. We all know it is bad for us but sometimes there are not other means to stop the pain. So along with recovering from the relationship i must now deal with being on the verge of alcoholism. I am still young and have maintained a successful career and my health but it is a challenge every day. Sometimes it feels that I’m just scraping by with life. I don’t blame my ex partner for my alcohol use but I do blame her for the lies and the broken promises and the fact that she used me in the worst possible way a human can use another IMO. BPD is just horrible for everyone involved.

[Nicole1018]

Hi thanks for the replies I wasn't alerted to them.
I've drank too much for a couple of years now which started off from a break up and there's been two more break ups since! There does seem to be a pattern of me being attracted to ppl with personality issues!
Yes I'm in touch with alcohol services and have the first meeting this week.
I have been monitoring my units for about a year.
I saw my ex on Saturday Eve she was in the pub she said she was boycotting due to us. I ignored her never made eye contact. She did the same as Nye, stared and eventually started trying to goad. She looked terrible. It was hard but obviously glad I came across unscathed. Can't get her out of my head today though.

[lostdorothy]

Absolutely. It is worrisome sometimes. I did it during and after the relationship. I still do it 6 months later. Any relief I can get I will take. The worst part about it is that my xpwBPD told me that if I left I would fall apart and become an alcoholic. Ha! So when I feel I am losing control, I remember when he told me that and I get a grip on myself. I will not let him win.

[Bo123]

Nicole1018--What are you doing in a pub?  That's a trigger and you saw her.  It's good that you are monitoring but bad that your in a pub and likely knew she would be there.  We all make decisions that are bad for us at times and I see 1 good decision and one bad.  Looks like you are in a whirlwind as to what to do.  Alcohol as an escape, you will pay the price, all do.  Therapy, AA if you have it there, even if your drinking is better helps, avoiding her is avoiding a big trigger to drink!  We all have issues and it's easier to give advice than do it ourselves, but you posted here so you must be looking for people who have been down the path you have and made it.  You can too.  Post more often with updates and best of luck, I know its tough.

[stixx44]

For me, it wasn’t booze but cigarettes.  I had quit smoking for over 20 years... .took it up again while in the midst of dealing with her.

After the November final breakup, I said screw it and started smoking a full pack a day. 

Now I’m getting myself back to normal... .weaning off little by little.  Hopefully, by Easter will be completely smokeless!

[PianoDood]

I was with my uBPD wife for 12 years.  During that time, there were countless discards and disappearances, which resulted in many opportunities to self-medicate to deal with the pain.  I had always been an occasional or "social" drinker most of my life that rarey ever drank to excess.  That is, until I encountered her discards.  Now, please don't take what I'm about to say wrong.  I am in NO WAY blaming her for my choice to use alcohol to self-medicate.  That was fully my choice and my responsibility.  I chose that dysfunctional way of coping with the pain.  With that said, there was a period of time back in 2013 during a year that saw 3 separate extremely damaging discards by her for reasons stemming from stress and chaos in her personal life circumstances, one in March, another in July and a third in September.  During that period between March and September, I nearly drank myself to death.  The only reason I survived it physically and financially was the fact that I was working a job that allowed me to work full-time from my home office, tele-commute.  I was not coping with my emotions well.  I was drinking from the time I got up until the time I literally passed out from the alcohol.  It was the most awful time of my life.  I finally wound up checking myself in for 4 days to detox.  I have since been in therapy and have learned to push through the pain and apply other coping strategies.  Sometimes, just riding the wave of pain, knowing that it will pass, is the only thing I can do because no coping strategy will fully relieve it.  But, IT DOES PASS an IT DOES GET EASIER. 

When my wife discarded 2 months ago, I will admit that there was a 3 day period at the very beginning where I went on a bender.  But, then I woke up one morning, told myself that I was being foolish, the alcohol was not helping and if I didn't break out of that mode of coping, it was going to cause even more destruction.  I can't even say that self-medicating temporarily numbs everything.  It doesn't.  Alcohol is literally POISON to our bodies.  It's a DEPRESSANT.  And when it's used to cope with extreme emotional pain, it makes matters worse.  First of all, when I sober up, the problems are still there and I am in less of a position emotionally to properly cope.  Secondly, heavy alcohol use can cause other issues such as DUIs, getting fired from a job, etc, which does nothing but make matters worse.  Thirdly, I found that my thinking and boundaries go awry when I'm drinking, which could lead me to break no contact or do things that I would emotionally regret with regard to directly dealing with detaching myself.  All in all, no temporary numbing of my emotions is worth any of that.  I am much better off finding positive ways to cope.

In regard to my past self-medication, I even attempted to talk to my uBPD wife about her behavior.  I tried to explain it like this... ."I take full responsibility for my choice to self-medicate.  No one made me buy alcohol.  No one made me drink it.  No one made me make bad choices while I was self-medicating.  All of those choices were MINE and I MADE THEM.  But, I DO have a right as your husband to ask you to address the behavior that causes me such emotional pain."   Her response was the typical trump card... ."stop blaming me for your emotional binge drinking."  I wasn't blaming her for the drinking.  I explained that to her and took full responsibility for choosing that means of coping.  But, still, she used the drinking as her excuse to not take any responsibility for HER behavior and choices that caused me so much emotional pain.  She simply can't self-evaluate or even see how her choices and behavior had affected me. 

Break free... .cleanly.  Be good to yourself.  Build yourself up.  Self-medicating only tears us down further.

[JNChell]

PianoDood, thank you for having the courage to post your experience. I’ve gone through the same struggles, and I appreciated reading this.

[wellwellwell]

Welcome, Nicole1018, and thank you for starting such an interesting thread with your question!

My answer is yes, in much the same way as others above. I would say that it did help in some ways, and I was aware that I was drinking too much for a while, but I don't blame myself for that, and each time I needed to dry out I could do it without outside help. That said, there was underlying anxiety that it eased, and that's something I feel better able to deal with now. While I'm responsible for my own actions,  I find it hard to beat myself up for this response to the situation I was in. In fact, giving myself a break was important to start learning how to do.

[southside420]

I do, unfortunately. I have tremendous anxiety right now and the psychiatrist I am seeing has not given me anything for it. So, I drink at night after work so I don't feel so awful and can somewhat relax. I think next time I go to the psychiatrist I'm just going to flat out ask him for something to help feel calmer. Last time I told him that, he just doubled the meds he gave me that don't even treat anxiety.

[lighthouse9]

I'm not much of a drinker, though I have a bottle of really nice scotch that I'm going through much faster than usual (read: a sip or two a night).

When my breakup first happened and I was practically hysterical (it came out of nowhere, we all know what that's like) my mom actually encouraged me to find something to take to knock me out. I thought she was nuts at first, and she knows how much I hate taking anything, but she told me to check my medicine cabinets to see if I had anything leftover, like a valium from an MRI or something like that. I did - 1 pill - and haven't taken it yet, but it was nice to know it was there. I got myself a bottle of Tylenol PM and that got me through the first two weeks of not sleeping.

Now, as far as the waking hours go... .that's a totally different story, but everyone here has had some great suggestions. I'm seeing a DBT therapist who works with folks with BPD and their loved ones, and she has me studying the distress tolerance sections of the DBT workbooks. I'm a go hard or go home kind of person, so the idea of distracting myself from my pain was foreign and felt like weakness. She got me over that reallll quick and I'm glad she did. I've been through some good audiobooks lately, some hard workouts, and a heck of a lot of TV.

It's not the same as staring down the end of a bottle, but there's no hangover.

Good luck to you - the distress absolutely sucks and distractions are ok. I keep telling myself that it's a real sign of my mental health that I'm able to feel pain and process this stuff without avoiding it or dissociating. What a privilege that is, no?