Should I file or wait for her to? (Part 1)

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Yes.  First she said she was "gone". So my mind adjusted to that... .

Advice I got was start the process of "divorce by publication" etc.

But I know her and things change daily.  So I waited.

Now she is calling and texting, , all mad and impatient.  Asking me "how can we do this". This was yesterday. First time in a month she called. I am assuming she wants to get together to sign divorce papers and have me do all the work. Or get together and she change her mind. No idea.

Her calling and demanding I call her makes little sense as she could just serve me. She knows where I live. Or she could email me saying this.

At this point, part of me doesn't want to break no contact just to play her games.

Unless she contacted me in a normal/ gentle manner without all of the emotion, talking about her boyfriend etc.

[Husband321]

Yes.  First she said she was "gone". So my mind adjusted to that... .

Advice I got was start the process of "divorce by publication" etc.

But I know her and things change daily.  So I waited.

Now she is calling and texting, , all mad and impatient.  Asking me "how can we do this". This was yesterday. First time in a month she called. I am assuming she wants to get together to sign divorce papers and have me do all the work. Or get together and she change her mind. No idea.

Her calling and demanding I call her makes little sense as she could just serve me. She knows where I live. Or she could email me saying this.

At this point, part of me doesn't want to break no contact just to play her games.

Unless she contacted me in a normal/ gentle manner without all of the emotion, talking about her boyfriend etc.

[Skip]

Advice I got was start the process of "divorce by publication" etc.

I think this was a response to her not telling you her address. The overall advice was that you sounded conflicted and it might be good to wait a bit.

Read this about drama... .especially about the shifting roles... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Your caught in that - part of that.

Silent treatment is good, when she does it or you.

You could simply email her and say, what do you think in the best way to proceed. I want to make this as easy on both of us as possible.

[Husband321]

I think this was a response to her not telling you her address. The overall advice was that you sounded conflicted and it might be good to wait a bit.

Read this about drama... .especially about the shifting roles... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Your caught in that - part of that.

Silent treatment is good, when she does it or you.

You could simply email her and say, what do you think in the best way to proceed. I want to make this as easy on both of us as possible.

Silent treatment is good, but I should email her?

[Skip]

Isn't good.

You should do what you think is right.  Anything any of us say in just to get you to think about different aspects before you make a decision.

[Husband321]

Isn't good.

You should do what you think is right.  Anything any of us say in just to get you to think about different aspects before you make a decision.

Ok. Thinking of sending:

Thanks for reaching out.

What do you think is the best way to proceed?  Let's make this as easy as possible.

I'll be out of town for a bit, but you can serve me at my house if you like.

[ForeverDad]

Don't be surprised if she says she doesn't want to file.  While there is surely a measure of "I'm abandoning him before he can abandon me" it can also be that she will feel less uncomfortable if you handle the paperwork.  That way she'll be able to tell herself and others that you were the one who did the Divorce deed.  Blame Shifting is a common behavior.

For all you know, she wants you to do the legwork and her just sign.  (I recall one member here, DreamGirl, whose mate had a custody issue and his ex signed with a purple crayon, apparently the only writing implement at hand.  Court accepted that signature.)

It really ought to be simple (okay, less complicated) since it was such a short marriage.  You've heard our thoughts based on our past experiences but you know her better than we do.  You know the marriage has failed and you know you can't go back to the way things were before.  So it's just who takes the lead, you or her.

[formflier]

Hand it back to her.

reply to her email (vice start a new one)

"What is your preference going forward?"

This skips all the thanks and other issues... .and you get to skip telling her extra stuff.

Let her fill in blanks... put your energy and focus on other things until she responds.

Thoughts?

FF

[formflier]

  So it's just who takes the lead, you or her.

Depending on her response... .or lack of one, this should be clarified in the next email.  For now, I would keep it as short as possible. 

FF

[enlighten me]

You could always file and arrange to meet her. When she shows up have her served. If she files and serves you then you are at her beck and call and have to dance to her tune. You have evidence she is with another man so she cant argue that she isn't. So it would all come down to the settlement. If she controls it then who knows how long it will take and depending on her mood at any given time what she wants may change. My ex wife led me a merry dance for nearly two years. It cost me thousands more than If I had filed and caused a lot more stress for me and my boys.

[Mutt]

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