I just discover that my BPD boyfriend is with another woman.

[Backonmyfeet]

Hi, I am new to this site. On December 31st I discovered that my BPD boyfriend is going out with another woman. I saw a video of them on the internet. My boyfriend didn't tell me but now he changed his whatsapp profile picture yesterday (January 3rd) for a picture with her. I sent him an whatsapp text to tell him that I saw that he changed his picture and I ask him if there is a development with his friend. He didn't answer to my text yet but I am pretty sure he have seen it yet.

Well, I think he was too afraid to tell me directly and he did this. OUCH!

He left my country last year in November 2016 but was supposed to come back after the winter and finally he was unable to come for many reasons. So one thing after the other, obviously, it happened with his friend. I had doubts but now I am pretty sure 99,99%

This can happen to anybody, but my BPD boyfriend did it a few times already before. It seems that he can jump from one person to the other without thinking about it. The only moment he will do or say anything to get back with the lover of the moment, it's if he thinks that the person will break the relationship with him. After he can become 'crazy' with bad behaviors. I know he is a good person and have a good heart, but he does so many bad things like if he is unable to do different.


Well, thanks for you help because I need help.

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[ArleighBurke]

Hi and welcome!

This sounds like common BPD behaviour. And there is a good chance he will not stop doing it.

What do YOU want from the relationship?

[Backonmyfeet]

Hi and welcome!

This sounds like common BPD behaviour. And there is a good chance he will not stop doing it.

What do YOU want from the relationship?

Hi ArleighBurke and thank you for your welcome.


Well, I tought that he would do better this time. I think I was wrong. He stayed in his country living with his mother to start a therapy. He just started it like 2 months ago. This new relationship with a 'friend' in his country, for what I undestand, started before his therapy, but he didn't tell me, I just discover it.

During the years, I know him since 10 years (he is now 44 years old), I saw a modification in his behavior. His addictions and depression was not so good (grieving: his father died in his arms), but I can say that he had 9 traits of the BPD when I met him and when we were together here in my country in 2016, appart from the addicitons and the depression, his behavior was much better.
I can say that I saw only 4 or 5 traits but not much. I was very surprised. And when he left for his country, I was feeling more secure of what he was said to me (not being afraid, Oh non, he had no intention to go with another woman) but of course with a non treated BPD, we can never know for sure, and words are only words.

What I want from this relationship?
Well, since I was hoping for a better 'future' for us, I think I hope for a 'miracle'.
What I have learned now, is that a long distance relationship with a BPD is quite impossible.

I have read, but I am confused about it, maybe this could help me understand, that BPD have difficulties keeping feeling for a person that is not around them? And they can get 'feelings' for persons in front of them?

Thank you!

[ArleighBurke]

What I have learned now, is that a long distance relationship with a BPD is quite impossible.
I have read, but I am confused about it, maybe this could help me understand, that BPD have difficulties keeping feeling for a person that is not around them? And they can get 'feelings' for persons in front of them?

BPDs are quite "now" driven, so yes - being in a long distance relationship would be very difficult for them. THey are very driven by what they feel and want NOW - so "denying" themselves anything because they are waiting for someone else would not be something easy for them.

[Backonmyfeet]

BPDs are quite "now" driven, so yes - being in a long distance relationship would be very difficult for them. THey are very driven by what they feel and want NOW - so "denying" themselves anything because they are waiting for someone else would not be something easy for them.

Thank you. It helps me understand better.

That being said. There is an update to the situation. Someone told me that she is the one who is in love with him. The person told me that one night, at a party, after wine and everything... .he kissed her but it was 'alcohol' acting and that he is not interested in her. But, as I wrote already, he didn't tell me, so of course with all what happened before and all what I saw on the internet, I started to feel anxiety. (traumas from the other times before when he was in his worst period of BPD... .).

Because I saw pictures of them and the video where she is always the one who is near him, all over him with her arms around him, and because she presents this video like if they were a couple, well, even a family because her daughter is in the video, so I was nearly sure that it was done already and I was betrayed again.

But I took my courage and ask him quietly: " is there any development with your friend? ". He didn't answer me right away after my whatsapp text, he took few days (it seems that he was afraid to tell me even if it was nothing serious. He probably feared that I would reject him, which is something very common in the BPD mind. But finally, he answered that to me: "No, it was just an unimportant stupidity which also ended quickly." I answered thank you and send few kisses.

So, maybe there is real progress finally... .since before he would have lied to me even about an unimportant kiss.

Of course I am not very happy about it, but I am more a little bit stock in a feeling of the past and all the betrayals that I have forgiven already. I think that even if we forgive, it doesn't mean that it is not stock in the memory like a trauma.

Thanks for you help!

[Jeffree]

Back,

"No, it was just an unimportant stupidity which also ended quickly." I answered thank you and send few kisses.

So that's it? You hear from someone else details of what happened between your BPD and another woman, and your BPD's answer to you above is good enough to mollify you?

What do you think might happen if you pressed your BPD for more details about this dalliance with another woman?

Also, within his answer there is no apology, just a brushing off of something that had vexed you deeply. Is that also good enough for you?

J

[Skip]

My boyfriend didn't tell me but now he changed his whatsapp profile picture yesterday (January 3rd) for a picture with her.

What picture is on his whatsapp profile today?

What is your relationship like? It sounds like you haven't seen him in 13 months... .which is a long time and very hard on any relationship.

Are you in regular contact? Are there plans for him to come back to your area? Is this going to be a long distance relationship?

[Meili]

You've been asked some really important questions, so I'll wait to comment until after they've been answered, but I wanted to drop in and welcome you to the bpdfamily. I hope that you receive as much kindness and support as I have received here.

Please keep us posted.

[Backonmyfeet]

What picture is on his whatsapp profile today?

What is your relationship like? It sounds like you haven't seen him in 13 months... .which is a long time and very hard on any relationship.

Are you in regular contact? Are there plans for him to come back to your area? Is this going to be a long distance relationship?

Hi,

Well, he was supposed to come back in my country right after winter, but something happened that blocked him from coming back. Meanwhile, his mother got sick and his sister who is taking care of their mother normally, really wanted to go for a trip in Asia with her boyfriend for few months, so he agreed to stay with his mother. Finally it was a blessing in disguise because his sister (she is a psychologist) and his mother convinced him to go in therapy first for his addictions that was worst than alcohol latelty and for his BPD problem. If he would have come back here anyway, he would not have stopped his addiction (I am pretty sure). So finally, he stopped his addicton that was nearly killing him and entered in a big depression, very very deep depression. After this, he started his therapy. We talked together and we agreed that as soon as he feels better, I either go there in his country or he comes in my country, but few months ago he was so low that it was impossible for him to go out of his bed (at his mothers' house). That's why I understood that he was at the right place to get help, and it was not the right time to persue our relationship the way a couple should.

Meahwhile, he told me about his friend and that she was there for him, talking alot with him. But, what I didn't know is that she fell in love with him (apparently). They know each other since a long time, but since he lived here in my country, they were not that much in contact. But back in his country, they started to see each other as friends and they talked alot with each other. Not long time ago, she divorced from the father of her daughter (11 years old). I presume they talked about everything and that's it... .

Well, maybe I am stupid to believe him (with some reasonable doubts of course), but I really don't think he is into her the way she is into him. But maybe he likes the way that makes him feel how she is all over him. He was always a guy who prefer friendship with girls. He has many girl friends. He always told it to me. He has many friends (guys) but he is more comfortable with girls.

So, yes it's been a long time that we didn't see each other, but it was not supposed to be like this. We don't talk often as we did when he left. I know it's not that good, but I had a lot on my plate here in my country with my sick parents, the hospitals, etc. so, I was often too tired to do anything else.

Of course if he lies to me and he is in a relationship with her, the situation will be different. He will not come back here anyway and the relationship will die. But, I choose to not confront him with that for my own sanity. I had enough of dramas all my life with a parent that as also mental illness, personality disorder and now physically sick. I prefer to let it go. And if he lies, he will be the one who will suffer about it. And I think that now he his in good hands with his psychologist (refered by his sister (a collegue), so why I would like to disturb all this... .His mother praid many years for him to come back home and get help. I will not force anything to destroy any efforts because I want him back here with me. It took a LONG TIME to make him accept therapy, so, he is good there.

Of course when I wrote here  on this forum, I was in a chock of what I discovered (the video of them). And I still fear the worst because a big part of me hope that finally something positive will come out of all this nonsense. This is my truth. So, since he is finally getting help in therapy and that maybe we are ment to be together, it will happened, otherwise, I will have to accept the fact that I was wrong to think that this time it would be different.

Thanks for your help. And sorry for my english. My first language is French.