Let it go or engage?

[fakeirl]

Hi everyone. I'm new here, but recently found the site. My therapist actually recommended I take a look but I didn't get around to it until a few weeks ago.

My significant other was diagnosed with BPD in early 2017. Since that diagnosis she started DBT, which has been really helpful. A few weeks ago she moved from Skills Group to Process Group in DBT. Around that time, as the therapist expected, she took a major dip in her mood and stability. She also went off her medications and became pretty mean/evil in her attacks on me. I get that it is part of the “I hate you, don’t leave me” thing and that she was trying to leave me before I could leave her. I’m not looking to leave her. I want to work through this with her... .

However, I’m having a really hard time getting over some of the things she said to me while off her meds. It felt very targeted and it has affected our intimacy a lot. It's been about three weeks and I'm just having a hard time letting it go. She was drinking during this time, which she doesn't do normally either, and I can't help but think this is how she really feels. Like there is truth in her drunken/off-meds rant at me. I don’t know if I should try to talk to her about it or just continue to work through letting it go. I do worry that bringing it up with bring out, potentially, shame, guilt, etc. and I don't want to create a bigger situation than needs to exist to solve this. I spoke with my therapist about this, but really didn't get a good level of resolution on how I can approach this and solve the problem.

Any thoughts or recommendations would be appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

One thing about BPD - the feelings at the moment are true... .but they also change moment to moment.  You can bring it up, but is she no longer has these feelings, she won't understand your upset and will just see it as you trying to cause a fight and also, she may have "forgotten" about saying those things since she doesn't feel that way right now and doesn't WANT to remember/acknowledge anything that may put her at fault for being hurtful. 

I try to look at hurtful things as coming from the condition, to help me cope with ugly things being said.  H is emotionally disabled, and so he does not always control what comes out of his mouth.  It's not meant as an excuse, or to say it's okay, but the time to say that hurts is THEN, and then get out of the conflict.  Days, months, weeks later, I find its no good.  He's "forgotten" it was said, or we ramp up to him needing to prove he was "right" in saying it to avoid shame about having said it. 

[defogging]

I'm still very much in the learning phase myself so I don't feel qualified to give advice, but my $.02 would be to shrug it off.  I'm just suspecting BPD in my wife because I see many of the traits, I recently learned about BPD within the last 4 months and it fits my situation to a T.

I'm going through a phase where I'm recollecting all the things she has said to me over the years, that seemed a little off at the time.  Little snipes and insults that stung, and didn't really seem to be coming from deep within her but were said in anger.  These got worse over the last two years, but thankfully I've learned that I shouldn't take any of it personally.

I read something recently that said "take a step back and think about whether or not you're going to let a mentally ill person define who you are".  I thought that was great advice, but I certainly know how hard it is to let every comment fall by the wayside.

At times when I'm hurting from things she says, I try to remind myself that if she is saying these kinds of things to me just imagine how awful she feels inside.  That at least helps me shift to feeling sorry for her rather than being upset about it.

[fakeirl]

One thing about BPD - the feelings at the moment are true... .but they also change moment to moment. [... .]

Thank you - that's a really good point. I was leaning that way, but it's hard to not get hurt by the words. I know that's on me to work through, and I have a plan to do that. It's going to take time, but letting it go is going to be the best option. I know it is the disorder and not the person sometimes, but it's _so_ hard sometimes and that's why I'm glad a forum like this exists.

[fakeirl]

[... .] "take a step back and think about whether or not you're going to let a mentally ill person define who you are" [... .]

I'd say you've got some helpful advice to give. I would extend this quote to "let any person define who you are" because I think it applies. I also see your point about not getting angry. That is something that I still struggle with in a lot of relationships. I do want to "win" sometimes and I know that it won't solve the problem or make things better. Feeling good for the "win" in the moment sucks in the long run.

Thanks for response.

[Perdita]

Hi. I agree with the advice you've already been given here. It will get you nowhere pleasant should you bring it up again. It is so hurtful when they say these things and then never even acknowledge it later when you're still struggling with it. Sometimes we just want to know that they get it. In my experience, the more I push for some explanation and understanding, the worse it gets.

Even emotionally stable people sometimes say things that they don't really mean though. 

I guess it's a case of choosing one's battles.

[waverider]

To add to the notion of feelings are real in the moment, the key is the FEELINGS are real, but the actual words/accusations/reasons often are not. ie someone may feel neglected/abandoned, but they will express it in extremes terms eg such as actually abused, or they may project/ attribute their feelings as being yours. eg they feel anger so they say you are angry.

In short ignore the actual words used, and acknowledge the feeling that drove them, and put it in the perspective of that is how the feeling was AT THAT moment. It wasn't a considered opinion. The intensity for them comes from the fact that at that time they thought that feeling was forever, and it wasn't just fleeting. hence they catastrophise

[waitingwife]

Fakeirl- you’re doing amazing in having insight as to what “you” can do differently in this situation. When one person does something differently, it’s enough to slowly change the dynamic and change the pattern. It’s a lot of very hard work and you should be vey proud of yourself for doing this.
I had similar questions like you when I started therapy, it took m 4 years to make a baby step progress in moving from the right & wrong perspective. We have to be able to be in the black & white area with our BPDH and then shift to the Grey area to keep our sanity. That shifting takes a lot of work and therapy/reflecting objectively/reading/TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF.
What are your goals for your relationship at the moment? Do you have a T?

[Chosen]

Completely agree with what the other members have said re: the feelings of the moment vs. the meaning of the words.  Personally, I would let it go, simply because things never ended well for me when I didn't    If you think why you can't let something go, it basically stems from 2 reasons: (a) you wish for a different outcome; or (b) you wish to have closure from the "thing" (e.g. to accept it, to understand it, etc).  From my own experience, (a) will never happen, because for the pwBPD the feeling is very real and therefore they have no need to apologise for it.  If they said something that makes you feel hurt, they either will put the blame on you ("you are overly sensitive", or they will reinforce that they really mean it (NOT what you want as you will be hurt by the same words all over again).

And if you want (b), the pwBPD can never provide enough explanation to make you "agree" with them (let's face it, most of the time what they saying during outbursts are not agreeable stuff), and if you want closure, you will need to come to terms with it yourself.  My pwBPD has never apologised to me for any words/ actions.  And yes, if they know they're wrong deep down inside, it's equally bad, because you bringing it up will trigger their guilt, and they will either blame you again ("the reason our relationship isn't working is because you keep on bringing up old stuff", or if they're not the shouting/ blaming type, they will feel shameful inwardly, which will also affect your relationship with them.

That's why I choose to let things go unless the pwBPD brings it up again.  I don't want to waste my energy on circular arguments.

[pearlsw]

Wow! This thread was so nice to read! I am so glad I took the time to hang out on this thread and read it... .All of you are posting such thoughtful advice and it's truly heartwarming to see this.

My husband says a lot of hurtful stuff, but one thing I remind myself is that it reflects poorly on him, not on me. Also for me, his words are just words. I don't feel any need to defend myself against attacks and I have to say that is incredibly liberating. Saves me a lot of wasted time and energy!

fakeirl, May I ask, as a follow up, does this advice help you a bit? Has it given you a boost in terms of adjusting on this issue?

wishing you all the best, pearlsw.

[fakeirl]

Hi. I agree with the advice you've already been given here. It will get you nowhere pleasant should you bring it up again. It is so hurtful when they say these things and then never even acknowledge it later when you're still struggling with it. Sometimes we just want to know that they get it. In my experience, the more I push for some explanation and understanding, the worse it gets.

Even emotionally stable people sometimes say things that they don't really mean though. 

I guess it's a case of choosing one's battles.

Good points, thank you. We do all say things we don't mean from time to time. The part that keeps coming back to my mind is that maybe she does feel this way. I know she did at the time, but I also know that isn't the case now. It's very confusing.

[fakeirl]

To add to the notion of feelings are real in the moment, the key is the FEELINGS are real, but the actual words/accusations/reasons often are not. ie someone may feel neglected/abandoned, but they will express it in extremes terms eg such as actually abused, or they may project/ attribute their feelings as being yours. eg they feel anger so they say you are angry.

In short ignore the actual words used, and acknowledge the feeling that drove them, and put it in the perspective of that is how the feeling was AT THAT moment. It wasn't a considered opinion. The intensity for them comes from the fact that at that time they thought that feeling was forever, and it wasn't just fleeting. hence they catastrophise

That's a really good point and perspective - focus on the feelings because it's part of the  underlying situation.