Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 10:28:46 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Threats of legal action  (Read 364 times)
Zen0

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« on: January 06, 2018, 07:51:28 AM »

Thanks to those who responded to my introductory post. I feel ready to share a bit more of my story. Bear in mind there's a lot more to this, but here's what's on my mind now:

Last year, I ended a brief relationship with a woman (I'm a woman too if it matters). We have mutual friends and were members of the same sports club, so I tried to maintain a friendship with her. I was still a bit uncomfortable about what had happened between us, but she told me she had started counselling and I tried to be a supportive friend. However, I began to realise that our friendship was not healthy and that spending much of my free time with her would not help me to move on and find the relationship I do want. So, in May last year, I told her that I didn't think we should spend time together anymore.

She became upset during this conversation, especially when I tried to explain to her how the way she treated me had affected me. We ended the conversation on a friendly note, but I could tell she was hurt by what I had said. After a week, I sent her an email to apologise, saying that I didn't intend to hurt her and that I was going to take a break from our club. I knew that we needed space for each other, but didn't think it as fair to ask her not to go. She responded courteously, but asked that I not contact her again.

Over the next few months, I went to counselling. The counselling helped me to identify some of this woman's controlling behaviours, even suggesting that some of the things she had done were abusive. My counsellor encouraged me not to give up the activities I enjoyed or the mutual friends I shared with this woman.

After a few months of counselling, I felt confident to return to the club, but still uneasy about seeing this woman. The one time I did see her at an event, she gave me the silent treatment. Other people noticed and picked up on the tension.

So, against my better judgment, I sent this woman an email, explaining how her actions affected me and asked if we could have mediation. I said if she didn't want to do that, we could put a schedule in place so we could go to the club at different times and not have to have any contact with each other. I know it was wrong of me to contact her after she asked me not to, but at the time, I thought it was the best way of dealing with a difficult situation.

She responded a week later with a very long, angry email. She said she refused to compromise with me because I am a liar and I am making false accusations against her just to hurt her. She said she has evidence to prove I am lying and that I require specialist help. She also said she had given all of our emails and texts to a law firm who was advising her about my 'harassment.' She said that if I spoke to anyone about us at all, she would report me to the police. I received a letter from her lawyer a week later telling me not to contact her or repeat anything I had said to her 'in any capacity.'

That was about four months ago. I've since seen a lawyer through Women's Aid who thinks that her lawyer's letter doesn't require a response and that I will be fine as long as I don't have any more contact with this woman. Still, I have had to quit the club and cut ties with all of our mutual friends because I am terrified of what might happen if my words get twisted again.

I am back in counselling and am feeling better, but it's still been so hard for me to deal with. For the first couple of months, I thought I was going crazy and wondered if I was the one being abusive. I couldn't believe that my request for mediation had come to this. I've been questioning myself and my own actions for a while, and that's how I found this site.
Logged
fontinalis

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: divorcing
Posts: 39


WWW
« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2018, 01:43:14 PM »

Hi Zen0, welcome from a fellow newbie! I don't think genders & orientation matter here. We all share a lot of very similar experiences. I feel for you and the hard time you are going through! I think a lot of people here can relate to the pwBPD in their lives projecting what they have done back on you and having their lives and other relationships completely torn apart. When I finally told my wife that I felt her behavior was abusive, she flipped it around and said it was abusive of me to tell her that. What she did to me over time made me question if I really was the one who was causing all the problems. But it is not our fault. It takes a lot to come out of this, but you've taken the right steps to start getting your life back! Wishing you the the best as you heal from this damage to your life caused by this destructive person!
Logged
Idsrvt2
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 281


« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2018, 04:26:44 PM »

I sadly can relate and really feel for you.  There is nothing like being blindsided like that.
What I have learned is they like control, so when they say don't contact them and we do they become angry and lash back.
Their reactions do not match our actions.

My story is on here... .my x dumped me and I became angry, he also said he would blow his head off.  I msg his mom and my x saw this as harassment
He filed a police report and said he would take out a RO and went in to say sorry that I hurt... .so much conflicting thoughts in those texts.

I told him go ahead with the RO and if he does I will as well
Keep in mind he's my mail man so the RO was so stupid.
I also have chronic illness and was in bed in pain... .
So I sent him one final text , which was very loving and caring
A day later the cops are at my door serving the RO... .
in court he wanted it all dropped... .to this day I have no clue what prompted him to even get one at all... .the court didn't want to grant either of them but decided to issue temporary orders for a few months.
The entire time I could not get mail and he walked all around the streets ... very sick

His managers kept him on my route and I see him daily ... .
like you I went to counciling at a domestic abuse shelter and was told I was abused... .I was stunned... .   
I don't have any advice I just wanted to let you know that it's fairly common for them to get the police and law involved .
Logged
Zen0

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2018, 10:13:43 AM »

Hi both,

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. I understand that legal abuse is something that can happen, but I am still confused as to if that's what happened here. After all, people who genuinely are being harassed/stalked go to lawyers as well. I think that is what made me feel so 'crazy' (sorry to use an ableist term, but it's what was going through my mind when all this went down). Though the lawyer I met with didn't think my actions amounted to harassment, I've wondered whether my former dating partner really did feel harassed, or whether it was a control thing for her.

When I finally told my wife that I felt her behavior was abusive, she flipped it around and said it was abusive of me to tell her that.

I'm sorry for what you've gone through, fontinalis. I heard the exact same thing. When I told this woman that I thought something she had done was coercive (she had previously acknowledged that this interaction happened) and that I found it harmful, she told me I was spreading malicious lies about her. She said she wasn't going to allow my verbal abuse around her anymore. Again, this was in response to me setting boundaries with her and asking if we could have mediation or put a schedule in place so we didn't have to see each other.

By reading about similar experiences on here and going through counselling, I'm starting to realise that my experience is not unheard of, and whilst I know that there are things I could have done better, ultimately my former friend has her own issues that have nothing to do with me. Still, I have lots of moments of self-doubt when I still ask myself, 'What if it is me?' 'What if I really am abusive/creepy stalker/etc?'
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!