Need HELP to understand what she is trying to say

[ConcernedMan92]

Long post ahead, Well its all her writing but I just need to know what shes trying to say! Please help me im going down the depression road again...

This is what she posted on her blog:



Youth is not the lack of maturity or a chronological notion. It is not in essence just a social construct, yet is not void of its social connotations.

At 12, my childhood was void of true youth, as alike to the life I led deep into my early 20s.

Yet as my life dawned closer to its second decade of existence, the glimmer of youth flickered in a playful teasing dance before dying out into a withering flame. My independence, the fuel for my youth, spilt out from my being, but then, a second no sooner, it was plugged shut by my naivety and infatuation for what I later learnt, was just a pacifier for my dreams and potential.

Five years away from my 30th, my youth made its first official appearance.

Most have regarded it as recklessness, as a phase to make up for the years of submerging myself in a life full of imposed obligations, expectations and self criticism.

To be fair, even I may not be a good judge of what in my life is simply just a phase, or a constant. If life has an odd way of surprising you, I am no stranger to the fearsome idea, with every new moment of my life swerving me into unchartered territories of doubt, excitement and the unknowns.

As the result of aging anxiety, my youth has made its appearance.

I could, as I’ve done over and over, ignored and rationalised the reasons to part from what some view as an idealistic perspective for a person now with no where to hide from true responsibilities.

Yet it would be a waste, and a betrayal to the soul that I am.

And a betrayal would be the worst injustice to the person I long to be.

[once removed]

hi ConcernedMan92,

its hard to say. it sounds like some generic self reflection to me.

why do you ask? by that i dont mean "who cares", i mean what are the reasons youre asking? how is it making you feel?

[ConcernedMan92]

Sorry I meant to post this one, just feeling like I meant nothing to her all these years is whats crushing me,

This was what she posted before that one:

When do we set boundaries?

We grow to learn to accommodate others and preserve feelings through avoiding entering the deep spiral of rejection, yet just as constantly are we reminded to fend ourselves from surrendering to full submission and open endedness.

Boundaries are important, limits should be recognised.

Strangers and confidants alike note the severity of bottling up one’s feelings, but to which extent do we express our plight and dark thoughts, when it often ends up spewed out in (unintended) forms of rants and complaints.

To what use is there in revealing our hidden selves to others, only for them to return with exasperating attempts of advice; when we only know ourselves best.

What are the reasons to tire another soul with irrelevant affairs?- and whilst I understand and indulge in seeking out the comfort of another pair of ears every now and again, it seems to only result in heightened frustration, however it plays out.
____

Where do I set my boundaries?

The aspects of my life of which I have yet to summon the energy to define on my own terms haunt my every move.

Ignorance is bliss.

Indeed, it is.
The late nights swollen with bright lights, skyscrapers, sweating strangers and hypnotising heavy beats is the poison of choice. To fall in the arms of a stranger in the drunkness of the night- or perhaps most recently, the one who has captivated and invaded my thoughts- cleans the slate off from the mess which is reality.

A throbbing hit of reality comes swinging each time I lay alone, in a home I thought I had found solace in- in a body I once thought I had finally learned in its own entirety, only for my every action to surprise me with the limits I have yet to set for myself.

____

A deadline sits at the edge of my life- the deadline each soul is obligated to, of which we remind ourselves is the reason to live. To live in the moment.

At a stage in my life where the deadline sits at the front of my mind, I find myself yet again brushing it off, cloaking it with a flimsy metaphorical white cloth, its shadow protruding into my every second: my life and actions.

In a time where I have dedicated to a rediscovery, I reflect to see myself come into a full circle, through an allowance submitted to a boy who has lured me into an almost-childish trance.

Let yourself be guided not solely by your mind, but your heart. Alas, it is our emotions which makes us ever more human.

As emotionally in tune as I am, it seems to not be enough. Wearing my heart not on my sleeve, I am told I am suppressing the feelings I need to accept, understand and allow in my life.

Yet it is the vulnerability of such an act which is more fearsome.

The dependency, the need, the eventual pain.

And if I could be so bluntly honest, I would ask him what his desire was; what was the purpose of this stage in our life which demanded such a sudden level of exclusivity.

But what would I do with his answer? Would I allow myself the same degree of naivety which pushed me into this crisis at the start of it all, or could I be careful, yet exhibiting the useless lust for blissfulness- a state I know I shall never achieve in my mortal lifetime?

____

A boy who enslaves my thoughts and intrudes my solitude, yet I am given my rightful autonomy.

The boy who’s eyes scream sorrow, in need of affection and compassion. A rightful pair it would seem.

A person, a woman submerges in catastrophe and calamity: too unsure of the right move, when we both see the end.

[WarOfRoses]

May I ask how old she is at the time of writing?

[ConcernedMan92]

Yeah she just turned 25, she's my ex fiance, we were about to get married this year but she just suddenly got distant and broke it off

[WarOfRoses]

Sorry I meant to post this one, just feeling like I meant nothing to her all these years is whats crushing me,

This was what she posted before that one:

When do we set boundaries?

We grow to learn to accommodate others and preserve feelings through avoiding entering the deep spiral of rejection, yet just as constantly are we reminded to fend ourselves from surrendering to full submission and open endedness.

Boundaries are important, limits should be recognised.

Translation: I have weak boundaries and I people please.

Strangers and confidants alike note the severity of bottling up one’s feelings, but to which extent do we express our plight and dark thoughts, when it often ends up spewed out in (unintended) forms of rants and complaints.

Translation: My need to people please and fear of confrontation causes me to bottle up my feelings until I end up expressing them in the wrong way. Usually through ranting and raving.

To what use is there in revealing our hidden selves to others, only for them to return with exasperating attempts of advice; when we only know ourselves best.

Translation: I don't want people to fix my problems I just want them to listen.

What are the reasons to tire another soul with irrelevant affairs?- and whilst I understand and indulge in seeking out the comfort of another pair of ears every now and again, it seems to only result in heightened frustration, however it plays out.

Translation: Nobody understands how I feel.
____

Where do I set my boundaries?

The aspects of my life of which I have yet to summon the energy to define on my own terms haunt my every move.

Translation: Internally I am in turmoil and have no true identity.

Ignorance is bliss.

Indeed, it is.
The late nights swollen with bright lights, skyscrapers, sweating strangers and hypnotising heavy beats is the poison of choice. To fall in the arms of a stranger in the drunkness of the night- or perhaps most recently, the one who has captivated and invaded my thoughts- cleans the slate off from the mess which is reality.

A throbbing hit of reality comes swinging each time I lay alone, in a home I thought I had found solace in- in a body I once thought I had finally learned in its own entirety, only for my every action to surprise me with the limits I have yet to set for myself.

Translation: I hate being alone. To ease the pain of being alone I go out to a bar/club to pull a stranger and sleep with him then discard him the next day.
____

A deadline sits at the edge of my life- the deadline each soul is obligated to, of which we remind ourselves is the reason to live. To live in the moment.

At a stage in my life where the deadline sits at the front of my mind, I find myself yet again brushing it off, cloaking it with a flimsy metaphorical white cloth, its shadow protruding into my every second: my life and actions.

In a time where I have dedicated to a rediscovery, I reflect to see myself come into a full circle, through an allowance submitted to a boy who has lured me into an almost-childish trance.

Let yourself be guided not solely by your mind, but your heart. Alas, it is our emotions which makes us ever more human.

Translation: I should be following social norms but struggle with intimacy and commitment to one person.

As emotionally in tune as I am, it seems to not be enough. Wearing my heart not on my sleeve, I am told I am suppressing the feelings I need to accept, understand and allow in my life.

Yet it is the vulnerability of such an act which is more fearsome.

The dependency, the need, the eventual pain.

And if I could be so bluntly honest, I would ask him what his desire was; what was the purpose of this stage in our life which demanded such a sudden level of exclusivity.

Translation: He asked me to marry him and I said yes but I wasn't ready. The commitment to one person for the rest of my life was just too much to bear.

But what would I do with his answer? Would I allow myself the same degree of naivety which pushed me into this crisis at the start of it all, or could I be careful, yet exhibiting the useless lust for blissfulness- a state I know I shall never achieve in my mortal lifetime?

Translation: I regretted agreeing to get married. I thought this would bring me some level of happiness but have learned that I will never be able to settle down with one person. I will never find happiness.
____

A boy who enslaves my thoughts and intrudes my solitude, yet I am given my rightful autonomy.

The boy who’s eyes scream sorrow, in need of affection and compassion. A rightful pair it would seem.

A person, a woman submerges in catastrophe and calamity: too unsure of the right move, when we both see the end.

Translation: The boy (probably you) wanted affection, compassion and commitment. He ignored my floors and I put him through hell.

See above in bold

[Jeffree]

Sounds to me like some over intellectualized rationalization for breaking off a serious relationship or cheating on someone.

Translation: "I am now allowing myself to act like a child for the first time at 25, which is monumental because I have been cheated out of a childhood since I was 12."

[ConcernedMan92]

If you want to read about what happened to me this was my last post:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=318146.0

Yeah thats what everyone is saying that she cheated on me and later slept with more ppl after she broke it off, Ive put so much into this relationship for 6 years and now Im just discarded just like that. I've abandoned my family, my friends, my job and I've left my best friends (all females which made her really jealous) and later had to cut all sort of contact with any girl cause she got very emotional and cried all the time and gave me an ultimatum to get rid of em, I bent down to every wish basically.

I was too desperate, everyone keeps telling me im a catch, and why I was with someone like that, but I only saw the good parts in our relationship plus I guess I still have my insecurities, immaturity and anxiety to deal with. I was blinded by my love for her but im coping somehow but I suddenly get the urge to call her and fix things (knight in shining armor tendencies). Hope you all are doing well with your recovery. Thanks again peeps

[Skip]

These are pretty intense writings.

She explains an early "midlife crisis" in which she is letting loose to feel the frredom she felt she was denied as a child.

She expresses frustration in the parodox or needing (and being told) to share her innermost thoughts, only to have them received and returned with fix it advice rather than sharing, validating and and place of empathy.

This is pretty profound statement on shallowness of many listeners (and its valid).

She goes on to say that she is instead, expressing herself in the only satisfying way that she has found - dance clubs, alcohol, one night stands. But then she realizes that this is not good for her, but she is conflicted in her need to embrace complete freedom from being controlled by others and a non-judgemental life, and the reality that it is only for one night.

She feels she is in crisis and searching for who she really is. She believes that she is on the path of finding it, a path of pushing the envelope, a scary endeavor, but she would regret if she didn't try once... .

It's a pretty clear look into her mind right now... .she feels her life (the one she was living and that you were one part of) was not the full and rewarding emotionally stimulating life she believes she can have and wants. Her current wild life is not exactly it either, but she hopes it will lead her to where she wants to go.

It feels to me like a the mania that is part of bipolar disorder.

[ConcernedMan92]

Thank you for your reply skip, If youve read my previous post about our relationship I mentioned her mom has bipolar disorder and I was actually worried she had it too after 1 year together, about 3 years later I even asked her to go see a therapist but she refused. I was willing to do anything for her, I loved her more than anything else in this world. I told her please let me know if you just want to delay our marriage and concentrate on ourselves or work first or even if you had done something wrong (cheated) we can talk about it. I was willing to make it work whether she had bipolar or not. But she pushed me away like I never even existed, blocked me off from everything and I crumbled down. She did say please don't push me away from your life and when I told her it was her who was doing it, she said she doesnt want to talk anymore.  I'm doing good now though, I just want her to be happy and I pray for her everyday. 

[ConcernedMan92]

Just found out that she did cheat on me! Well I thank god that it happened now rather than later when I'd be married to her and have 2 kids or something. Guess all these relationships end because of someone cheating...     

[Jeffree]

It is a very common theme here, for sure.

You definitely dodged a huge bullet. 

J