Here and hurting

[Fracturedheart88]

Hi there,
this is my first time posting here because I have so much in my head that I just didn't know where to start writing. I have been married to my husband for over 15 years.  We have two amazing teens and a pretty great life.  Over the past decade or so I have noticed ... .I'll say "quirks" ... .in my husband.  He followed up and was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. Over the years, other diagnoses and med trials have followed, with varying successes.  Most recently he was diagnosed with BPD.  It certainly explains many of the "quirks" that I had seen. 

I say "quirks" because I definitely don't think he acts this way intentionally.  I can see how much he is hurting because of the repercussions of his behaviour but I just end up feeling crappy because he's hurting and reacting out of pain, so I end up not setting boundaries and feeling worse. His emotions are all over the place, he is quick to anger, especially with regard to me or our oldest.  He is never physically aggressive but his words hurt more than anything.  He is passive aggressive and makes me feel like all the problems and difficulties that we have are my fault.  He isn't an active partner in our relationship so everything falls to me - from parenting a pretty complex kid to chores, to household tasks, to all organizational duties (forms for kid's activities, driving them everywhere ... .).  He says he wants to look after the money, as the "man of the house" and he feels so awful about himself that I agreed.  (He had shown he could do it at work.) That said, every month we end up with more month than money, despite making a very decent income. It just all seems to disappear and he says it's because I don't follow the budget (that he doesn't share with me and hasn't told me about.)

I just have no idea what to do.  I want him to feel good about himself, to feel strong and whole. But I feel like the more I build him up, the more I lose myself. I know he needs to hear that he is important and valued and that I care about him, but it doesn't matter what I say - he doesn't hear it.  He remembers the singular time that I got frustrated and that means that, to him, I am never supportive. I have my own issues with depression and anxiety and I feel like my mental health is trumped by his. Like his is more important.

I feel alone and I'm hurting.  No one in my life knows the impact of this on me or on our kids.  Our oldest is definitely old enough that he sees it playing out but doesn't know why his dad acts this way.  How do you explain it?  I just don't know what to do and I'm so tired from walking this alone. As someone who tries to be so encouraging and positive for everyone else, this is killing me.  I am so drained - I want to protect my kids, myself and my husband from himself - but at what expense?

I am going to be starting to see my own therapist next week and apparently he is going back to therapy too.  We'll see.  I want to save my marriage - he used to be so much fun and dynamic.  Now our whole world seems characterized by sadness.  It's breaking my heart.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Fracturedheart88,

What a touching post you have shared with us here! Indeed many members here have similar tales of woe... .but I want to also offer you a bit of hope. It can indeed be dark at times, but there are a lot of ideas here on the site that can help breathe fresh life into your efforts, and give you more potential to make things better, or at least not make them worse as we say. My husband and I still have big ups and downs and we have a long way to go to getting things to a better place, if we ever do, but I will never give up hope for life being better.

So, first things first, let's pick you up... .You are not alone, okay? There is a great community here that has a lot of understanding and that if you take up some space here you will get to know and be able to get more and more support from. I know when I first started I'd just post a comment or two on other's posts, a bit nervously, because what did I know at this point? And then I just kept going... .Read here and you'll learn new ideas and be able to share your insights with others... .this is a space where you can grow and help yourself and others.

Okay, I know how hard it is to be a positive and encouraging person and feel pretty exasperated at times trying to get through to my husband. I had a long conversation with my husband last night and he had some breakthroughs but I felt drained. He has a very weak identity and poor memory and I feel sometimes like I am being called to remold him from fresh clay! Anyway... .

Can you tell us more about which symptoms of BPD your husband has or not? Does he have abandonment issues? Jealousy? The more we know, the more we can go over tools together. But also, be prepared, this effort, and it is very worth it, takes a lot of self-work as well. It takes a change in your own perspective on things to see some changes, but you have the potential to see changes... .It can sometimes be tricky... .right now I am setting a new boundary around privacy with my husband and he has not taken it well, but he is adjusting... .in the end I may prevail... .Anyway... .

Sounds great that you have a chance to start with a therapist! Let that be part of the hope that guides you, hold onto that. Let's keep talking, we'd like to do what we can here to give your marriage the best chance possible - this place is about helping and improving relationships and making them possible if so desire... .Look for and find the strengths that you do have, there are some in there somewhere... .Just your good attitude and outlook can make a huge difference! That is a great strength, a big plus in your corner!

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[Tattered Heart]

HI fracturedheart88,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so alone in your relationship. Getting into T for yourself will really be helpful. Be honest with him/her about what is going on. Hopefully she will help you learn to build your boundaries back up again.

It sounds like you are a very capable woman who keeps the household running. Do you often feel like you have to mother your H?

I want him to feel good about himself, to feel strong and whole. But I feel like the more I build him up, the more I lose myself. I know he needs to hear that he is important and valued and that I care about him, but it doesn't matter what I say - he doesn't hear it.

How do you think life would be different for you if you began to build yourself up, to tell yourself that you are important and valued? Years of investing all your time and energy into fixing your H has left you depleted. It may feel selfish at first, but it's time for a little YOU building. What does taking care of yourself look like to you?