BPD ex going out with ex best friend etc etc etc

[tomos]

Hello to everyone here, I feel sorry for you if you have BPD but have jealousy of your traits to move on so quickly, despite knowing you are always haunted.

Here's my story, would love all the advice you can give about any aspect. I am struggling.

I was single 14 years and losing faith in my ability to find and meet a woman to settle down with. I met my someone else who fell so hard for me I couldn't believe it but I accepted it. She was a breath of fresh air and so inspirational, loving, creative, energetic, empowering, sexy, confident and familiar. it felt like I had known her years with conversations about allsorts of things, she hung onto my every word and clung to me. it was so welcome. She lived a few hours drive from my house and had left her fiancé and got sacked in order to be with me. She did however paint him black, making him out to be a cheat and serial liar and abusive. I now know she was talking about herself. I thought it must be real love because within a few months she had practically moved in to my dads house and sacrificed her life at home to be with me.  The longer I stayed with her the more inconsistencies I started to notice but within a year she had grown ill losing hair, weight, and lots of other ailments. it made me feel trapped and pressurised. It turned out she was living with diabetes that went undiagnosed for a good few months. I helped diagnose it from her symptoms, rushing her to hospital where she was put into an induced coma for a few days. This was harrowing stuff and if it wasn't for me it would be unlikely she would be alive.
Just after that ordeal we had got her own place, she had lost a job that she had only kept for 3 weeks, the 4th loss within less than 2 years. She was seemingly always fairly at peace with me but showed so many strange personality traits towards other people and with other people. I had my doubts about her moving in but with so much illness and hospital time I had to give her a chance to get better and start contributing to the upkeep of the new house and financially. I had provided her with presents, clothes, weed, tobacco, alcohol, treats, food, rent free accommodation, a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. I had tried to fill the roles of her friends, family and had welcomed her into it all.

Heres where it all goes wrong, we had had a hard time of it with one persons wages financing 2 peoples life. I am not sure why she decided to be such a dam ___ but I had toothache, a chest infection and was in a really stressful time at work. coupled with coming home most days to find her asleep not having done any jobsearching or housework, unable to speak to anyone at home. or tell me what was wrong. She got her job and we started getting on better but a month into that I get a phone call to say that my gf was having an affair with my best friend who was married. Then screenshots of their whole conversation which showed her saying how much she wanted to rape him, and was amazed by him and couldn't stop thinking about him get sent to all my friends by his wife. it was the first I knew. She made me tell her I love her over and over while it was going on, saying she would kill herself if I left her or get me beaten up but decided she should kiss my best mate in my own house in my own birthday party once I had gone to bed. then she had tried to arrange for him to come around every time I left the house. I had done everything for her It was too much for me to read how hard she fell for him. I had to be the rock always and even after this I still had to stop her killing herself, maintain my composure and not get a chance to grieve the loss of my best friend. I had lost the essence of me in the relationship already trying to keep her happy. she didn't get diagnosed until a month before we broke up and I realised I couldn't do it any more.  They both promised they wouldn't talk to each other. She got pregnant on purpose then to make me break up with her. she knew I would have to because I hadn't been able to bring back my trust for her love for me over her love for him. I couldn't look at her without crying and couldn't stop asking questions comparing us both. it makes me sick really. Within a week of her abortion which I begged her to have because I didn't want her to punish me any more. It harrowed me to make her have an abortion, harrowed me that she cheated, harrowed me that she was such hard work with illness, homesickness and skintness but to actually get into a relationship with him has nearly taken me over the edge so many times. I have been unabled. I am unadventurous, depressed, traumatised and unable to go 30 seconds without thinking about them being together. they have been together just over a year and it makes me feel sick all the time. my brain can't escape. any reassurance would be beneficial. my friends all are having children and finding love and going out and all I feel I can do is be traumatised and haunted by thoughts. I have developed ptsd. it has been 2 years since she got ill with diabetes and I haven't been able to relax since. it was always me being responsible, me being the carer and the decider. I miss the woman I fell in love with and I hate that he is getting a modicum of what I got. I hope he is destined for ptsd as well. thanks so much.

[lostdorothy]

Tomos,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Give yourself some grace. It was not your fault, as hard as that is to admit to yourself. I promise you it was not your fault. Find yourself some information and educate yourself on this awful disorder. You are not alone. There is a excellent book that has helped me tremendously. It is called "One way ticket to Kansas:Caring About Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder and Finding a Healthy You" by Ozzie Tinman. It is amazing. The sooner you understand that this is something you can't fix and that they must take the journey to recovery themselves, the better off you will be. It will not be easy. But, you can do it.
Godspeed friend.