After 3 years my best friend and ex met in a bar—should I tell him?

[zeus123]

Hi everyone. I hope you guys are doing great and I wish you all happy new year!...

I haven't posted here for a while, I do occasionally comment on some of the posts here but not as much as I did before when I went complete NC with my BPDex gf more than three years ago.
Last night I was at the casino with my best friend we were having a drink at the bar. he told me that last night he brought a beautiful girl to the hotel at this casino that he met in a bar but he said they didn't sleep together because she's not this type. He was showing me some pictures that he took on his phone. Guess what she was my ex BPD. I was surprised to see her again after three years she still has the same number. Now I don't know if I should warn him to be careful and tell him what she is(BPD), or tell him she was my ex and not to mention if ever that I exist(because for first two years of NC she tried really hard to search for me but I totally disappeared on her) or just leave it at that and not to say anything to him.
This is really strange and it cut me by surprise. What a small world because my ex lives 200 miles away in a different state. Strange universe...

[FindingMe2011]

Hmmm, best friend? Cant speak for others, but if it were my best friend, I dont think I could/would, not, say something... Anything short of this... .I would keep my mouth shut... .Be prepared for your warning to fall on deaf ears... .this would be the typical scenario,... .i wish you well. PEACE

[Lucky Jim]

Hey zeus, Why not let your best friend know that she is a woman who you once dated?  Then I would leave it up to your friend to ask any particular questions that he might have.  I think it's up to your friend to decide whether to pursue things with your Ex and, like BeenThere, I doubt any warning from you would prove effective.

LuckyJim

[zeus123]

Thanks guys for the replies. Jim if I let my friend know that I once dated her, he might want to find out about my relation with her but not from me but rather from her. We all know how much we could trust our friends when it comes to dating!...
Specially during the idealization phase from a BPD when a non becomes blinded by her magic adoration. BPDs are master(pardon the expression) manipulators. If I wanted to say anything to him I would probably tell him to have as much fun with her and not to mention that he knows me.

[Lucky Jim]

Sounds fine, Zeus, regarding what you might say to your friend.  Concerning what she might say about you if the subject comes up, that's out of your control so I suggest letting it go.  Yes, those w/BPD are experts at manipulation, but that's something your friend will have to find out for himself, in my view.

LJ

[zeus123]

Thanks Jim. Yes my friend has to find out about what BPD is because if I explain it to him he will never understand what I am talking about since many people never heard of it. I am very proud of myself for maintaining NC as it helped me to heal from issues that I had and as to why I was attracted to this type of relationship in the first place. We try to mend the archaic wounds that a BPD opened and surmount them. Any news from a BPDex opens these wounds again but we have to stay the course and continue our journey through more healing.

[Mutt]

Hey Zeus,

He’s your best friend so he knows your character and if you’re ex says something funny to him about you who do you think he’ll believe?

[zeus123]

Hi mutt. It's true he's my best friend but he might become blinded by the adoring gaze of BPD's eyes and believe her. We all know how BPD/narcissists are masters on manipulating people.

[Mutt]

If she were diagnosed you could mention it to him I suspect that your asking us because she's not diagnosed? I wouldn't mention BPD if she's not diagnosed but I would describe behaviors if he talks to you.

For an example I have a girlfriend and she knows that my ex is jealous and she said that she's angry five years after my uBPDex split with me. My gf is aware and knows that my uBPDw is still attached to me and she finds it  really odd, my ex isn't diagnosed so I don't give her my diagnosis because I'm not qualified.

I describe behaviors so when she mentioned the jealousy I just said "Some people are like that the divorce is finalized they left you for someone else and still have feelings for you. What's important is that we're together, I love you and I'm never going back. What  am I teaching my kids if I take mom back after she has cheated on dad?"

[Fie]

Hello Zeus !

If I were you I would certainly tell my friend and I would also tell him about the BPD.
I like Mutts comment about focusing on behaviors.

This is really strange and it cut me by surprise. What a small world because my ex lives 200 miles away in a different state. Strange universe...

*Really* ? Don't you think it's possible she helped the universe a little there ?

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Zeus,
  I am in a similar situation only mine involves friends, not potential dating partners for my ex. I coordinate events for a few social groups in my area and I have met quite a few people who know my ex and her now fiancée. They've actually brought them up in conversation and I just stay mum that I know either of them.  Rather than slam my ex in any way I let them make the decision for themselves. If they become well-acquainted with my ex they will eventually experience her wrath, if I "warn" them, I only look like a jilted ex with a vendetta.
I'm better than that!

 In the greater scheme of things, very few of these people in my social event circle are my "great" friends. I coordinate because it's fun to get out there and do things with people. If someone asks me if we dated, I won't lie... .but I won't elaborate either.

You mentioned your friend said she wasn't his type. If so, I wouldn't worry too much about it. If he really is your best friend, I would say, hey I dated her once. If he asks questions I'd just say, it didn't work out.

Anything else, might trigger him to question her, if they are in contact and if you are negative that can spur her to attempt contact and put her right back into your life again.

It really is a hard situation here. It really depends on how you define, Best Friend. I know if I told my best friend my ex would be immediately deleted from her phone, end of story, but some people like drama.

I personally wouldn't say anything but that is only based on the fact you said he wasn't all that into her and

[zeus123]

Hi pretty woman and thank you much for your comment. I think I have to agree with you on everything you said.
I didn't say she wasn't his type, I said she's not the type of girl who would  try to sleep with someone on first date.  But I have to agree with you and if I was to say anything to him it would be not to ever mention that I exist. I am not going to say anything about BPD disorder.

[Pretty Woman]

Zeus,
   Sorry I misread your post... .that's what happens when you multi-task I guess!


I think that's a good call. It's like this... .some people are better for our exes believe it or not. That took me awhile to get used to. I wanted to blame everything on my ex but I really can't. She was terrible, I will not deny that, and she did things most normal people wouldn't, abusive, cruel and very immature things, but I too was immature. Did I handle things well? Probably not, and my reactions may have made her worse. Some people work better with others... .
and some people also tolerate much more abuse than others too.

I am very careful about labeling my ex. It's vindictive to tell everyone your ex is a disordered nutjob. It's also not very compassionate and makes you look bad. The best thing you can do in many situations is live your very best life, a life of good character and honesty and try not to repeat bad patterns. Probably the best gift I received in life was dating my ex as painful as it was at that time, because it opened my eyes to the fact I really let people walk all over me, not just in romantic situations, in all situations, work, home, social. In the past few years I was able to weed out people who were not enhancing my life but hindering it. People who put me down to make themselves feel better.

My life is much more balanced and happy now, I can honestly say that!

When we "warn" people about our exes, especially when they are not specifically asking about them, I feel like we are doing what our exes do when they slander us. It makes us seem shallow and bitter.

For the past two years I have been dating a lovely woman with an ex very similar to mine (she is Histronic). When they broke up, this woman sent my now partner letters pretending to be me. She is in her mid 30's... .
can you say, "Bunny Boiler"? It was all very Fatal Attraction (the movie).

It's very psycho, at least to me and not something a healthy adult would do, but to make a long story short, I had invited this woman into my social circle while she was dating my now partner and she had made friends with some of my friends.

After this all happened I could do two things:

1) Tell everyone I know the psycho stuff she did
2) Keep my mouth shut

I chose #1. A few months later I find out all my friends were hanging out with this woman, going places and to events and I wasn't invited because they knew I wasn't comfortable with her. In fact, they created their own Facebook group and I was not invited to join it.

And I knew ALL these people before her. I brought all these people together.

Nice, huh? Anyways, I publicly extended an olive branch and welcomed my GF's ex with open arms, thus being welcomed back into my social circle. Do I trust this woman, NO. Do I have strong boundaries with her? YES.

By being kind, she now cannot slander me to mutual acquaintances because EVERYONE has seen me be kind to her. She also can't try to backstab me by showing people any fake letters I've written because I told them that years ago She isn't going to things as much anymore because she sees it doesn't "get to me" anymore. The more indifferent I have become the less interested she has been in "getting me back" and slowly, slowly she is dissapearing.

Indifference really is the key. If in the future, your friend realizes you dated this woman act like it wasn't a big deal and change the subject. She can only hurt you again... .if you allow her to. It's all in your power, my friend.

Good luck and do keep us posted!

Pretty Woman
 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Zeus-

Maybe you've already made your decision on this one, but I wanted to add a little food for thought... .

First, was she someone you simply dated or did you consider her your girlfriend?

Second, were you and your best friend close when you were dating your BPD ex ?

Third and most important, if you're close enough that you refer to your friend as your "Best Friend", you're having drinks together and he's showing you pictures of a girl he met ONCE, then I think you're close enough to tell him you had a relationship with her, right?  If YOU don't tell him, and SHE eventually does, that could potentially be the end of the friendship.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[zeus123]

Hi gemsforeyes, thanks for your comment.
Yes she was my girlfriend for two years, and he was my friend for more than twenty years. When I was dating my ex he was living abroad in a different country so he didn't know about my relationship. I don't understand what you mean that if she tell him it would signal the end of our friendship? Why is that?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Zeus-

Thank you for clarifying.  Okay, now picture this... .your former GF has BPD traits and she was your GF for 2 years.  I have not read your history, but am assuming the breakup was painful enough for you to join this community, go No Contact and make it difficult for her to find you.

You and your friend have been close for 20 years - that represents a meaningful friendship that I would believe holds significance to you.  For whatever reasons, you did not share the difficulties of your relationship with your BPD ex GF with him.  That doesn't matter today.

Here's what I believe matters today... .  Now assume your Best Friend begins to date this woman.  And as your Best Friend, HE tells her about YOU, as HIS Best Friend.  And he tells her that he has shown you her photograph.    And SHE tells HIM that YOU were her boyfriend.  He wonders why you didn't tell him?  Potential  BOOM! 

BPD people DO frequently engage in triangulation or other behaviors that could potentially pit your friend against you (and he wouldn't know what hit him!).

Also, she learns that the two of you are close friends; you have been friends for over 20 years!  You were friends during the time she was your GF.  YET... .SHE didn't mean "ENOUGH" to you for you to tell Your BEST FRIEND about this wonderful GF... .boy will she pour it on for him to get back at YOU!  And he could be seriously and deeply hurt, by both of you.

All potential, maybe won't happen.  But to my way of thinking, if you care about your friend, he deserves your care and at least a heads up that she was your GF of two years.

Regardless of the BPD or not, in my world, if a close friend of mine were to begin a relationship with my ex-BF, I would most certainly tell my best friend that she was about to start dating my ex BF.   Honesty with a friend is the basis of trust.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes