Captor or prisoner?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi there,

I haven't posted in a while, I have no energy, and I'm just tolerating my life.

A year and a half back, I took in my GF and her two kids. They were sleeping on the floor at her mother's house, getting abuse and second class citizen treatment from her. It was a bad environment for the kids, and it was crushig her too. They spent all weekends at my flat. I had asked her to move in plenty of times, and finaly she said yes. For a week we went to see bigger flats together (closer to the school and farther from my job), and she seemed ina high spirit. Until we signed the lease contract.

From then on, she feels trapped with me, and she is angry and offended 90% of the time. Her mother bought a dog the minute they moved out. The dog is getting better treatment than her and the kids did, and they are hevily alergic, so they can't even visit, much less, think about going back.

She has some child support that she uses for the school fees and food. I pay for the rest: rent, house expenses, car (that I wouldn't need if it wasn't for the kids)... .which takes 110% of my salary. I'm burning through my life's savings. I thought and told her, that maybe I can sustain this situation for some time, until she gets a job and can help with the rent.

We never talk about this, I understand she feels pressured to give back some of what I do. And that pressure translates into rage, and resentment.

But then, she acts as if she were the one providing, and I was the typical lazy boyfriend good for nothing. She is the judge and the police of everything I do, or everything she thinks I do. She can't stop criticizing me. How I sleep, what I eat, when and where I study, what I say, what I don't say. And she keeps acusing me of things I don't do or even think. Yesterday I offered to go after work to pick up something for the kids. And she answered "whatever, who knows what plans you have for going there, but you do you". In the evening, I have to lock my door for half hour of study (I couldn't open the books at all in hollydays, because of the kids). When I went out, she told me "you were ___ty" and "you were sleeping, you're not fooling anyone". She talks to me in English, and the kids only understand half of it, but they hear the tone she's always using with me.

Of course, how can I demand respect from the kids if they see this everyday? I can't ask them to give me half an hour of study, because they don't, they jump on top of me, and they keep asking things (they are 6 and 11, hyperactive and with ADHD), unless I lock the door, I can't read 5 minutes. When I go out of the house to study, I'm "throwing a pitty party".

I exploded a couple of days ago, because she brought back a conversation from 2 years ago. She was depressed and crying and she was saying that the kids didn't love her. I told her "Kid tells me you are the best cook in the world, very proud of you, kids don't go telling others that, if they don't love you" just and example among other things. I support and validate her, and I don't pressure her, day in and day out, since allways.

About that she told me, "I finaly understood that sentence, you were sarcastic, and you were meaning that I'm a bad cook". And then I was very invalidating: " That's not understanding, you do that all the time, that is finding a very negative meaning, that is not true, to have something to throw at me". She keeps saying that when she thinks I do or think something, it's her opinion, and what I think I do or think myself, It's my opinion, not a fact. I told her "I live compensating the worg doings of a guy that it's not me, you are mostly mad at thing I didn't do".

Later, I told her I was stressed because of the studies, but that I loved her. She texted me back, that she doesn't think we can even be friends, and that she is trapped, but that she would try to be polite with me and not hurt me. She's told me different versions of that many times. What does that make me?

Maybe once a month she has a couple of days that she is affectionate, and says she loves me, and she is sorry for everything. But I'm wearing myself very thin at this point.

I can't throw them on the street, but I can't keep being used and abused with no respect or appreciation. What can I do?

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

I haven't posted in a while, I have no energy, and I'm just tolerating my life.

A year and a half back, I took in my GF and her two kids. They were sleeping on the floor at her mother's house, getting abuse and second class citizen treatment from her. It was a bad environment for the kids, and it was crushig her too. They spent all weekends at my flat. I had asked her to move in plenty of times, and finaly she said yes. For a week we went to see bigger flats together (closer to the school and farther from my job), and she seemed ina high spirit. Until we signed the lease contract.

From then on, she feels trapped with me, and she is angry and offended 90% of the time. Her mother bought a dog the minute they moved out. The dog is getting better treatment than her and the kids did, and they are hevily alergic, so they can't even visit, much less, think about going back.

She has some child support that she uses for the school fees and food. I pay for the rest: rent, house expenses, car (that I wouldn't need if it wasn't for the kids)... .which takes 110% of my salary. I'm burning through my life's savings. I thought and told her, that maybe I can sustain this situation for some time, until she gets a job and can help with the rent.

We never talk about this, I understand she feels pressured to give back some of what I do. And that pressure translates into rage, and resentment.

But then, she acts as if she were the one providing, and I was the typical lazy boyfriend good for nothing. She is the judge and the police of everything I do, or everything she thinks I do. She can't stop criticizing me. How I sleep, what I eat, when and where I study, what I say, what I don't say. And she keeps acusing me of things I don't do or even think. Yesterday I offered to go after work to pick up something for the kids. And she answered "whatever, who knows what plans you have for going there, but you do you". In the evening, I have to lock my door for half hour of study (I couldn't open the books at all in hollydays, because of the kids). When I went out, she told me "you were ___ty" and "you were sleeping, you're not fooling anyone". She talks to me in English, and the kids only understand half of it, but they hear the tone she's always using with me.

Of course, how can I demand respect from the kids if they see this everyday? I can't ask them to give me half an hour of study, because they don't, they jump on top of me, and they keep asking things (they are 6 and 11, hyperactive and with ADHD), unless I lock the door, I can't read 5 minutes. When I go out of the house to study, I'm "throwing a pitty party".

I exploded a couple of days ago, because she brought back a conversation from 2 years ago. She was depressed and crying and she was saying that the kids didn't love her. I told her "Kid tells me you are the best cook in the world, very proud of you, kids don't go telling others that, if they don't love you" just and example among other things. I support and validate her, and I don't pressure her, day in and day out, since allways.

About that she told me, "I finaly understood that sentence, you were sarcastic, and you were meaning that I'm a bad cook". And then I was very invalidating: " That's not understanding, you do that all the time, that is finding a very negative meaning, that is not true, to have something to throw at me". She keeps saying that when she thinks I do or think something, it's her opinion, and what I think I do or think myself, It's my opinion, not a fact. I told her "I live compensating the worg doings of a guy that it's not me, you are mostly mad at thing I didn't do".

Later, I told her I was stressed because of the studies, but that I loved her. She texted me back, that she doesn't think we can even be friends, and that she is trapped, but that she would try to be polite with me and not hurt me. She's told me different versions of that many times. What does that make me?

Maybe once a month she has a couple of days that she is affectionate, and says she loves me, and she is sorry for everything. But I'm wearing myself very thin at this point.

I can't throw them on the street, but I can't keep being used and abused with no respect or appreciation. What can I do?

[heartandwhole]

Hi JoeBPD81,

I'm sorry that things are so bleak right now. That is so very tough. I can imagine how frustrating it is not being able to open a book for five minutes, and having so little private time to yourself. When things get like that for me—when I have no time to just "be" with myself—I feel very irritable and scattered.

I can't throw them on the street, but I can't keep being used and abused with no respect or appreciation. What can I do?

It's hard to make good decisions when one is stressed out and feeling defeated. What can you do to alleviate a bit of that strain, Joe? Can you take a small step today (even a tiny one) that will help you feel a bit more balanced?

I understand that feeling of not being motivated and of just going through the motions.   We are here for you.

heartandwhole

[DaddyBear77]

Joe, I know I don’t have to tell you this, but so much of what you’re describing mirrors my own experiences. The bit about “who knows what plans you have for going there” could have been an exact line. My wife is also telling me now that we can barely be friends. So I really get it. You’re not alone in the least bit.

I’ll echo heartandwhole in saying the single best think to do right now is self care. Meaning, go take care of your studies and try your hardest to let the criticism and complaining roll off you. Make an honest assessment of whether you think the kids are “safe” (will they be fed? Will they be physically safe? That kind of thing.) and then go do what needs to be done. If you’re like me, you probably feel a lot better 5 or 10 minutes into a study or work session. Your mind is taking a break from the stress of being a caretaker.

Think a lot about what YOU want for the future. Think about what scenarios exist for you. If you do separate or divorce, there ARE systems in place to help your wife until she gets on her feet. If you’re hoping she’ll get a job, then there must be a history of her being employable right? Is she taking any meds right now? Is she seeing a T or some other doctor? These are all factors that provide additional support for her and things she can rely on whether or not you stay.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this Joe. You’re not alone and we’re here to support you.

[Notwendy]

Hi Joe,

I am going to share something that was an eye opener to me going through co-dependency work. It is about resentment.

I used to think that I was being helpful and generous, until I saw the selfishness behind my over-helping actions. How can that be- if I was the one giving so much of myself?

Being helpful, and rescuing, enabling are not the same thing.

Rescuing and enabling are selfish in a way because they are ways of managing our own discomfort. It is hard to see someone struggling and helping them is a way to manage our own discomfort. But sometimes, allowing them to learn to help themselves is the kinder route. If we help them, we take this learning away from them.

When we give too much of ourselves- we also become resentful. This resentment can be perceived by the other person, even if we try to not show it. They don't feel cared for. Also when someone is completely dependent on someone else- they also begin to feel resentment and feel trapped.

My hope is for you to see the other side of your "kindness". Yes, it is possible she feels trapped and resentful and so do you. You took her and the kids in, and now you have financial strains and are unable to find time for yourself. This isn't a suggestion to kick her out. It is a suggestion to deal with the issues you feel resentful over- money, study time and take care of them first. I think you also expect she would express appreciation for what you do, but when resentment is there, neither of you can feel appreciation for each other.

If she is unable to work- is she eligible for disability assistance or some sort of welfare program? What kinds of resources are there in your community for women to go back into the workplace? ( some women support centers have programs). Can she do something to contribute to gain her self esteem back? When people are completely dependent, it can hurt their self esteem.

[heartandwhole]

I just want to underscore what Notwendy has offered, JoeBPD81. It has been a hard lesson for me, but sometimes "helping" is really not. In fact, it is "hurting." Every situation is unique, but it's worth thinking deeply about.

When people are completely dependent, it can hurt their self esteem.

I completely agree.

[Mutt]

What do you do that you enjoy outside of family and your studies Joe? Do you have friends and family that you can spend time with?

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks Heart,

I don't know what to do. I'm mad, I don't want to be mad. It's a new thing for me, I don't usually give people reasons to attack me, people can be not appreciative, but that doesn't make me mad. But she makes up reasons to hate me and attack me. And I find it so unfair that I can't think straight.

For example, she's mad I closed the door yesterday. But she doesn't take into account that, while needing to study, I haven't done it in the last month to be with the family.

She's mad that I don't tell her how I want my coffee. But she doesn't take into account that I told her I want it allways the same, and even if she does it differently I'm ok with it, I never complaint. But I wake up at 9 on weekends, and sometimes we have coffee at 9.30, sometimes at 13.30. I never know, and if I ask, then I've ruined it and we don't have coffee. If I think she's ready to have coffee, and I tell her how I want it, then ususlly she say's "I hate you so much". If I start any activity, then I'm living my life without taking them into account. So my mornings are a long wait, watching cartoons with the kids, or doing house chores, waiting and fearing something will trigger her.

I don't enjoy studying, least of all in this environment. But it's the only accomplishment that I do myself, the only thing I do and someone later tells me I did a good job. If I had peace of mind, I guess I could enjoy some of what I study. But trying to understand Modernist poetry in my second language, when I'm so frustrated with my day, and tired from my work... .It's like "who cares? these freaking poets didn't have a life, or what?"

I read a couple of lines and I hear in my head the last argument, or the last complaint, or reproach... .I feel she despises me even as I give everything for them. I don't see her talking to anyone like she talks to me. She's told me plenty of times that I'm the person that treated her better than anyone. But she treats even strangers better than me.

I don't know what to do to feel a bit better. I hate to have to study but I would hate to quit and not get my Degree. This evening, I'll go study in the car. It's the most efficient place, close, comfortable and I'm alone. I've been trying to find another place, because she accuses me of going there to make them feel guilty. But I'm done bending over backwards to make her comfortable, when every effort goes to waste. If I make good progress, I'll feel a bit better with myself.

My last day of hollydays I had dentist, and I hated it. But then I had lunch by myself, and went to a coffee place to study, also by myself, I put on some headphones with music from the Woody Allen movies, I could only study like 90 minutes, but I stopped and I thought "this moment is perfect", coffee, music, and peace. I don't have to work on friday, so I'll repeat that plan, only the whole day, not just after luch. It means spending some money, that is tight, but I'm gonna explode otherwise.

Thanks DaddyBear,

I'm so sorry to hear you can relate. It helps that you get it, but I don't want this on anybody. And I'm sorry I haven't been here for you and for so many people.

We are not married, as I never had 2 weeks in a row of any security or hope for the future. I couldn't trust her making any promises, as she changes from "you are the best" to " you are less than garbage". She can't even promise to be civilized, or polite.

The kids are safe if the situation doesn't change. But every few weeks she thinks she's gonna dump the kids with their father, and kill herself. The ex-husband doesn't even call the kids, so he hangs up on her, and she goes back to being trapped with me, and life. The kids are not safe alone, from each other. The older has threatened to kill the younger (11-6) and every game ends in fight in 3 minutes, nasty fights, not kid-fights.

I don't think in this country there are systems in place to help her. My job is related to that. She's got some help, but not a roof over her head. And she can't ask for more, unless she works 6 months minimum.

The kids are very damaged as it is. If this attemp on being a family fails, I don't know what will become of them. They already say they want to be criminals when they grow up. My presence helps, but I don't have much of a saying in their education. I would put them on Sunday school to learn about Jesus, and Hell, and good and evil.

She is certainly employable. But jobs are scarce. And she needs to be able to be with the kids when they are not in school, because they can't basicaly wipe their own... .So most schedulles are a no no. She took some course that could help, and then she didn't start, and we lost a lot of money. She can't focus, and using her laptop brings back some petrifiying memories for her. We are owed thousands of $ from child support by the ex. But getting them is taking so much longer than expected. I'm begining to doubt she tells me the truth about that, and that makes me very sad.

She's on meds, but she only takes what helps her to sleep. She sees a T and a phychiatrist. None of them specielized in BPD. She has a life threatening anorexia. And she suspects bypolar and Asperger's as well. Worst of all, she has no interest in living, so she does very little to get on her feet.

She's always there for the kids. But like me, she gets no appreciation and a lot of violence and reproaches from them. So that takes all her energy. She's been 4 years out of a job.


-----

For the last weeks she's been hating me because she feels a lot of self hate regarding sexuality. She remember an episode from years ago. She was abused and raped, very horrible things. But what she remember is from us. We were in the begining very sexual, I was surprised, and we used any opportunity we had. One day she was sad and stressed, and I offered to start something. It made sense in that context, and it had worked many times before, sex, or intimacy, took her mind off some crushing worries, and she would fell optimistic after. I thougt: Maybe it will happen, or it would be so inappropriate that she would snap out of her internal dialogue. We used to joke and tease each other a lot then. But that time she felt disgusted that I could think about it when she was so worried, and it changed her from then on. In my defense, I didn't even touch her, or insist or ask for anything. It was just an offer with that in mind.

For her, she talks about it as if I was some percert that has only one thing in mind. No matter that we go months without even a kiss, and I don't complain at all. I'm still supportive and kind and putting her needs in front of mine. Those months of evidence don't erase one out of line comment. She brought it back some weeks ago, as something we can't recover from.  When it happened, time after, I told her why I would offer, and that it wasn't at all that I was so horny that I ignored her feelings completely. She was much angrier, that I "dared to make that about her".

Of course, in THIS context, that we don't have sex at all. It is disgusting. But in this context I don't offer. She comes to my bed unanounced whenever she feels like it, and I don't complain. She is so happy after sex... .But sooner or later that makes her so very guilty, that it backfires. I'm so desperate for some appreciation from her, that I can't complain about... .well, anything.


---Notwendy, thanks too.

I reflect a lot about that, about enabling and rescuing. Mostly I'm so bussy putting out fires that I don't know. I'd love to have some appreciation, but I would settle for not being insulted and reproached daily.

The kids are a handful, a constant emergency. So when she focus on job or help, she quickly gives up to put out some fire with the kids.

I try to keep some balance, and I know I don't do a good job. But I'm trully scared of her killing herself, she's very unhappy. And she has tried twice.

I've asked her to ask for disability assistance, she starts to look into it, and then stops, because she fears she might lose custody of the kids. She stops herself from doing many things because of that.

She was in a program for employment for battered women. They did nothing but give her some money for some months. Many interviews for assestment of her skills... .But not one job offer.

I know her self esteem is non existant (it's hard for me to get her pride and why she needs to step on me), and I understand she feels trapped and resented about being dependent on someone she love-hates. The frustration of not giving anything in return. And then the anger at seeing she treats me like that. And then more resentment at me for "causing" her self hate. I understand it's a snowball hard to stop. We talk a lot, and many times she has an impressive level or insight. But some other days, most days, she's just fed up with everything.

We are speaking the minimum. Some days I'm waiting for her to say something, and then I try to reconciliate. But I don't feel like talking to her. I want to be alone. I'm broken.

[heartandwhole]

I don't know what to do. I'm mad, I don't want to be mad.

Don't do anything while you feel mad. And it's OK to feel angry, JoeBPD81. I know it's a new thing for you, but try to let yourself feel it when you can. Try to feel it in your body and shake and burn if you have to. Let it move and then leave you. You'll come back to yourself. I see emotions as energy that wants to be acknowledged (not judged) and move through me.

But then I had lunch by myself, and went to a coffee place to study, also by myself, I put on some headphones with music from the Woody Allen movies, I could only study like 90 minutes, but I stopped and I thought "this moment is perfect", coffee, music, and peace. I don't have to work on friday, so I'll repeat that plan, only the whole day, not just after luch. It means spending some money, that is tight, but I'm gonna explode otherwise.

Do it, Joe. You and your well-being are worth it. You really need that time to yourself. 

[Notwendy]

Take care of yourself Joe.

I think many of us have been in that "done" place. We are not much able to help others at this point. Get rest, and some quiet time.

[Radcliff]

Joe, getting a degree while working, with children and a high-needs relationship is grueling.  What you said about the difficulties of studying when you don't have peace and privacy reallly struck a chord with me.  You need to have good stretches of protected time.  You have a right that.  It is worth setting a boundary around.  It took me so long to understand that I didn't need my wife's permission to establish a boundary.  I would do whatever I could to keep the peace and get her reactions down, and didn't take anything for myself unless I had her agreement, or, I'd do something for myself behind her back, neither of which was good.

Figure out how much protected time you need to successfully complete your studies and take it.  Do not expect her to agree.  Expect a ton of pushback.  Perhaps ease into it over a period, increasing your study time week by week.  You can tell her what you are doing, but do it without drama, and don't get defensive.  You can help things by communicating when your study time will be, and by coming back when you say you will.  Expect her to try to sabotage it by coming up with needs you must meet, etc.  Have you read the page on setting boundaries?  Keep us posted on how things are going with claiming more study time!

When do you expect to complete your degree?

WW

[Turkish]

Is "throwing them on the street" the only other option? If you want them out,  what other options are there (for them)? Do you want them out?

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks a lot, people.

Your comments helped a lot, and I felt better by night. Today the last comment of my GF has left me feeling down again, but I'm trying to shake it off.

Things had not changed between us, but I felt better. I went home and rested a bit until the kids got home. I greet them, and I told them I would be out to study for a couple of hours. I went for a long walk by a part of the neighborhood that I didn't know, while listening to an audiobook. I saw a church, and I thought I would stop and pray (something I don't do often). It was closed, but I read some quotes on the walls, and they helped too. "Forgive and you will be forgiven" was part of one of them.
 
Then I sat in my car, and I was able to concentrate and make progress. I even enjoyed some of the reading. I went home at the time I said, and it was a pleasant time with the kids. And not very hostile with my GF, although not personal contact/dialogue at all.

All in all, I felt good. And I could feel she was a bit relaxed.

Today she sent me a video of a Hollywood star that was molested, it was a brief invasion of his privacy, but a year later he still feels angry and he has some PTSD syntoms. He's a strong man. So she told me later to reflect on how SHE could feel after all she has been through. And she told me that the fact that she can't move on doesn't mean I'm a horrible person (even though it looks that way when she talks to me).

She never talked about this in therapy, and she is starting now, and it has opened all wounds. She feels a deadly ravenous guilt about falling in love with me and wanting (and enjoying) sex with me, when she should have been focused in providing for the kids. Part of her anorexia is that she doesn't want to be a sexual being, she wants to look sick and not attractive at all. She can't make peace with the fact that falling in love was a good thing, and it worked, and I'm good for the kids, and that it turned out good. It's only her ressistance what stops us, as a family, from making it. (I don't say it like that to her)

[JoeBPD81]

Paranoia has entered the room in a new level.

She can't rest in our house, because she feels watched. She thinks I use technology to spy on her. She wakes up hearing noises and think's it's me. She sleeps in the living room, and I in a bedroom.

It's tiring, I guess many of you would feel like me. I feel I'm in her corner, like in a boxing match, and she is fighting air, thinking I'm her oponent. And it is very frustrating that she doesn't see I'm in her team. I can't help when she thinks I'm the enemy. And even knowing I can't help, I don't want to hurt her, I don't want that role as enemy.

I don't dare to think about my love for her. I'm building all kinds of walls around my feelings.

[Radcliff]

Joe, I'm sorry, that sounds so tough to deal with.  I am sure you are exhausted.  I know we always say this, but we say it because it's darned hard to actually do -- take care of yourself.  Eat healthily, sleep well and enough, excercise, and keep setting aside time for your studies.  Do what you need to do to maintain your strength.

WW

[Notwendy]

I am not trying to diagnose - but if she is having paranoid delusions, hearing things- does she have a therapist  she can see?

Years ago, a friend of mine developed schizophrenia and started talking about being attacked by radio waves and things like that. It's one thing to emotionally see you as a persecutor to her victim but the technology surveillance is a bit out there.

I think it could happen that someone gets more disordered thinking and paranoia with BPD, but if this is getting worse, perhaps she needs to be evaluated.

[JoeBPD81]

I'm out all day today, no work and no conflict, enjoying and not asking too much of myself in terms of study, or anything, really. I got my spot at a Cafe... .But I'm crying. This morning I found a note that she wrote me months ago, with the drawing of a heart. It said something romantic, and I started crying immediately. I blocked it, because I would see the kids soon. But now everytime I remember I cry again.

I miss her, and I miss the time that she loved me. I miss being loved. I miss having her wishing good things towards me. I toughen up, and I take care of things, but I was so in love with her, and I felt loved. I've spent so much time blocking the memories, because I know that time is not coming back. And I have to see her destroying herself, and I fear if I had any part to do with her destruction. She was a beautiful woman, with meat on her bones, she smiled a lot, was passionate about many things. Now she is only skin and bones, she is mad or very depressed all the time. I see the woman I love walking towards death and all my efforts to call her to live, amount to nothing.

She's talking about getting her ex to have the kids and have herself committed. She doesn't see any other possibility of getting better. She says she's suicidal 80% of the time. I'm pretty sure that if she knew the kids are taken care of, she would do it, not immediately, but in one of her crisis.

I've heard it all before. And I've thought everything was lost before. So I don't know. I don't think she loves me anymore. Or I think that because hoping hurts. It's been 4 years of hearing her say "I can't take one more day".

The kids are very damaged. But I don't think the environment at home is worse than average, we spend all our time with them, they get a lot of validation and love. They get lectures and some voices louder than normal, but I think like any kid does. Certainly less than I had as a kid. And I consider my parents OK, and we were good kids 2000% more respectful and responsible than these two. I seriously believe that their lack of empathy and learning ability is in some part genetic. I've heard how the older kids of the ex were, and they repeat the patterns. My gf sees those patterns (that the other kids had, having her nothing to do with their education) and thinks she is the worse mother in the world.

Please, pray for us. Next Monday she has an interview for an employment agency. Pray that that leads to something.

[JoeBPD81]

I am not trying to diagnose - but if she is having paranoid delusions, hearing things- does she have a therapist  she can see?

She's seeing one, but she can't call her therapist. The T upgraded her from 1 to 2 seasons a month. I think she's some kind of hypochondriac regarding mental illness, if she hears about one thing, she has it next day. And she feels it's been part of her always, and holds on to it, as if getting better would be being a different person (to please others).

[Notwendy]

With the anorexia and depression, and talking about getting committed- do you think she needs to be hospitalized?  She may be a hypochondriac, but if she is skin and bones and depressed, she also has something real.

I know you are doing all your can, but wonder if she needs professional intervention?

This is hard on you and you wish she would feel love for you. At the moment, it doesn't sound like she feels love for anyone- she must feel physically terrible in her condition. She may also have some vitamin and nutrition deficiencies as well.

[JoeBPD81]

Of course it's real, don't get me wrong. I just mean it must be hard to get the proper help if she comes with new symptoms every week.

The hospitalization issue, in this country is complicated. She was after her two attempts at suicide, and they released her after one day. Also when she seriously thinks about it, she fears she would lose custody of the kids. If she's not around, I can't take care of the kids by myself, because to my job they're not my kids, so any lateness or absence is unjustified. If I lose the job, then no one can pay the rent... .My parents are old and don't live close. And her family refuses to help. They don't want to know how sick she is, if not for blaming her for something.

Even if I had the solution, I'm the landlord. She gets very defensive if I wanna help more or have an opinion. I'm pretty lost. I fear doing anything might push her away completely, or make things worse for them. So I try to do my best at being supportive and steer things toward a better place without stepping on any land mines.

[Notwendy]

It sounds tough- take  care of yourself.

It isn't the same , but I recall my friend talking about being attacked by technology- so convinced it was real and yet it was not and I had no way to make her know that. I could validate her feelings " I know this is scary to you" but what was scary to her did not exist.

You miss the loving person your GF was, but at the moment, she isn't thinking right. It may not be the same as schitzophrenia, but at the moment, her feelings are not the result of anything real. If sleeping on the couch is her way to cope- then just let her do that. She may say it is about you but it isn't.

Take care of you the best you can. I am glad you are finding time at a cafe. Remember- you didn't cause this and not taking care of yourself won't fix it.

[JoeBPD81]

The sleeping arrangements are the same since they moved in with me. She slept in the same bed as me when we only saw each other on weekends. But only 2-3 nights since we live together.
She has big issues with that, so it's for the best, she has a bed that we put away by day. As a child, she was repeatedly attacked and terrorized at night by a member of her family. So she needs a free way to the exit of the house, no one in the way, and lights on.

She's had a life taken out of a horror movie. The frustrating part is that it has been now that she has someone by her side, and peace, and love, validation, respect... .Now it is when she's losing her ability to function. I think about soldiers that can't adjust to peace time.

[pearlsw]

Hi Joe,

I can't write much, I am sorry... .just want to send hugs:   

My life is not so great now at the moment either... .one thing I do every day though is follow through on a promise to myself to "find joy"... .Yesterday it was small... .I was in the office of someone I was trying to get help from, someone my h did all he could to prevent me from getting help from, but I pushed ahead and got the help anyway through his meltdown, divorce threats, and pressure. In the few moments I had alone I just looked very deeply at all the plants that were on the windowsill near me taking in their beauty and saying to myself inside "Never Forget to See the Beauty in Life." That is all I had, but it was so nice... .Today I was lucky... .the dental appointment he cancelled then rescheduled then nearly cancelled again... .I got to go to. He would not speak to me, but he did take me and he bought me food afterwards for the next few days while he is in and out and hating me and planning to divorce me I guess. I spilled my guts to the dental hygienist about why my appointment was cancelled and how grateful I was to her for helping me with this dental issue I could not get any help with earlier because my h is so off and on with me. We agreed that was abusive and not right of him. Her kind words to me... .they will carry me the whole day. I take my small gifts where I can get them.

So here are my small gifts to you today, I hope they make you smile:         

I'm gonna watch comedy videos and make myself laugh and smile... .

I wish you luck with your studies! Take your time and space for that! It's yours, you don't have to ask permission for that!

take care, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Joe, how have things been going for you the past couple of days?

WW

[JoeBPD81]

Hi all,

Thanks for checking in and for the hugs and support. She has passed the rage phase, she is still depressed, but she has stopped saying horrible things.

She is scared from seeing herself like that. She says: "Everything is the same as yesterday, but now I'm in control again, and I don't feel that overwhelming rage. If you have tried to get close yesterday, I would have punched you, no doubt" (I believe that). She told the kids to help, that she can't stand this (life) anymore, that she has passed her limit of energy and patience. Of course, the kids don't care at all.

I saw an opening, on saturday, and I held her, I sat her on my lap like a child, and I held her and let her cry on my shoulder. I paid special attention not to caress her like a boyfriend. She needs a parent. It seemed to help. But the change was already there before. As she said, she wouldn't have let me get that close the day before. As she says herself, she is two different people.

We watched a movie with the kids on the evening, and she sat with me, and she would take my hand, and told me not to go and stay very close. She told the kids she didn't have much opportunities to sit with me, and they should let her. And she also remarked on how such a difference was posible in one day. The next day, she even made me a "dirty" comment about wanting to have sex with me right that moment. Two days before, she had said she hated men, and that she didn't want to have sex ever again in her life. 

I don't know if you share her view that all males are horny beasts, but I'm a shy guy, and after a long marriage, I don't give sex such importance. I wasn't even a big fan of touching,meaning I wasn't very affectionate in a phisical way. Until I met her, and she was all that things to me, and they felt great. She couldn't keep her hands off me, and she told me things that made my inside christian boy very shocked. I thought people said those things only in adult movies.

I knew about her past, and that told me to be very careful and sensitive. But then she was so into... .well, me, that I thought, and then I saw, that responding to that made her very happy. The problem is that later she would remember those things, and felt really bad about all. She says she knows it's not my fault, that I don't do anything out of the ordinary, but the time when she hates men, and sex and contact, I'm a big threat to her, even when I always respect her space.

How am I? I'm confused. I'm jumpy... .Because I don't know who she is depending on the moment. Regardless of who she is, I have to be on a team with her about rising the kids. But when she hates me I have a bigger need to have my own space. And when she is nice, I can't trust it will last, so it takes time for me to really believe she is being nice. Also, I'm afraid of saying things when my guard is down, that would be used against me out of context when she hates me. I even feel guilty, for thinking if I should have taken the exit she offered me. If I would be better (or they too) if she does leave. I feel so great when she lets me be on her side, but it's so delicate, I'm so sure it won't last, that I don't dare to feel much.

[Radcliff]

Hi Joe, I'm glad you were able to feel close to her.  Can you remind us, is she seeing a therapist?  There is a lot for you both to deal with.

It is absolutely critical that you don't lose yourself in all of this.  The kind of support you are giving can only be sustained long term if you sustain yourself.  Good boundaries and finding ways to nurture yourself will be very helpful.

You said you were working on a degree.  When do you expect to complete it?  It sounds like you're working on a degree while also working a regular job and supporting a family?  Been there, done that.  You've got guts of steel!

WW

[JoeBPD81]

She is seeing a therapist. Although the T doesn't specializes in BPD. Her anorexia is the priority, as it is life threatening.

I'm really mad right now. I wanna kick and break things.

I've just spent 3 hours at the dentist, I came right from work. I tired and they hurt me a lot. I text her, and she tells me she doesn't believe I'm at the dentist, so she feels no sympathy for my pain. She told me she's not my ex wife, who couldn't stand to see me cry or in pain (isn't that what spouses do?) we were talking friendly right before I went in.

The degree is 4 years, when you take everything and study full time. I did that the first year, and I got good grades, and I had time to have fun. Then I got divorced, then I started this RS. So each year I take less and less subjects. So this is my 5th year and I have the 4th course almost entirely to go. I want excellent grades, because it could land me a job someday. If I was alone, I could take the whole last year (about 11 subjects) but I struggle to make time for 2 subjects for semester with the life we lead.

When I started, I was married with a woman that was independent and we almost led separate lives. I always moved along educated people, and I was the only one without a degree, and I wasn't always taken seriously. So, being good at math and science, I took a language degree, to challenge myself and anyone. My then wife didn't take very well that I was having better grades than her, but that was just one of the problems we had. My main motivation is to not face the failure of leaving it unfinished, as I did when I was 18. It's not a big motivation.

[Meili]

Perhaps it would help if you focused on the bigger picture, Joe?

There are a lot of details that have been written about; that's good. It helps you look at what is going on and allows all of us to have a better understanding. But what is the bigger picture here?

Are you frustrated and upset because she is pushing against your boundaries?

Are you frustrated and upset because she is not responding as you would like her to?

Are you frustrated and upset because she feels trapped and you do not know what to do to "fix" that for her?

With regard to the last one, have you asked her how she could feel less trapped?

[JoeBPD81]

I'm not sure what's the big picture.

I'm mostly confused, and every day there is a different issue, with us or the kids, and we have to fix it, while trying to keep up with the studies or anything else. What is asked of me one day is something "I should know it's awful" the next day.

I'm frustrated and upset about them being my priority, and being thought as an enemy. They fighting me and distrusting me on every step.

I've asked her many times, she always says I can't do anything.

She knows the best bet for the kids is to keep living with me, but she is deeply unhappy with the situation. It IS frustrating to be doing the best for them, and that it is also what keeps her so depressed. It is frustrating to know the woman you love would feel safer if you weren't around.

I guess I can't focus, because the big picture might be even more depressing than the little pictures.

Besides the degree, this year I can take an exam from the Administration to get a raise, I took it last year, but the laws have changed. I need to be one of the 1st 1000 to get that promotion (among 34000 aplicants give or take. I had to be in the top 400 of 65000 to get my job, 7 years ago). The promotion is to get a title that is behind the job that I actually do everyday but it doesn't get paid. Last year I tried, and passed, but didn't make the cut. They haven't anounced the date for this year's exam, but it has to be soon. Studying the Administrative Laws is the most boring stuff on Earth. Working on this should be easier, but when you study the law, you see it is not followed at all in the actual work. So the experience doesn't reinforce the knowledge, but contradicts and confuses it. I really have to apply myself for that exam, I can get it, and it would be good for my economic situation. But it's so freaking boring... .And long... .If I can't find time and focus on something interesting, let alone this. And I should keep studying the Degree at the same time.

Whining mode off.

I have to find the strenght to support people here too. But I'm running very low on faith and hope. Maybe when I have my teeth and I can smile again, I will feel empowered.

Thanks everyone.

[Meili]

I'm not sure what's the big picture.

Then, let's go back to lesson 1: The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship.

It sounds to me like you are struggling with being the emotional caretaker. Part of that role means that not only do you need to be empathetic, but you also must be consistent with firm limits and boundaries (those are not the same thing).

To be in this type of relationship, you must accept the role as emotional caretaker - consistently staying above it.  

~ Maintaining routine and structure

~ Setting and maintain boundaries

~ Being empathetic, building trust, even in difficult times

~ Don’t tolerate abusive treatment, threats and ultimatums

~ In crisis, stay calm, don’t get defensive, don't take it personally

~ Don’t protect them from natural consequences of their actions - let them fail

~ Self-Destructive acts/threats require action

And at the same time, its important to understand that you and your behavior cannot rehabilitate anyone - you can only end your contribution to the emotional instability of the relationship.

To make these relationships work, you must be committed to doing those things.

Most of us struggle accomplishing the things necessary to be in a relationship with a pwBPD because we are trapped in the FOG. We must get out of the FOG by detaching with love.

[JoeBPD81]

My mind is so blocked right now that this sounds as abstract as "don't do things wrong". I need to find some peace before I'm able to listen, think and apply what's needed.

Thanks, though