Ground rules for DIL relationship with MIL w/BPD?

[TDeer]

If you had to make some ground rules for a DIL or DIL to be for a) preventing a lot of drama and b) addressing any drama that did occur with MIL w/BPD, what would they be?

What should the DIL do and not do?

What would ensure the DIL has the most success possible? What does that look like? What is the best/healthiest situation possible look like?

What would DIL do in regards to her husband, if anything, in dealing with MIL w/BPD?

What would DIL do in regards to MIL w/BPD?

Once a DIL were "painted black", would there be any reconciliation possible, in your opinion? Or is it just 95% or higher known that BPDs as MIL cannot get along?

Are DILs always painted black?

Should DILs bother to try to get their husband to see the covert manipulations that occur between females that males don't pick up on? How would DILs deal with that? (Example: directly? indirectly? ignore it?)

How would DIL ensure that husband isn't "in the middle" between DIL and MIL w/BPD? Is this possible?

[Teno]

I'm not there yet, but I think the husband and DIL should be on the same page. My wife's BIL and his wife (my wifes sister) are on the same page now, and the MIL can't manipulate them anymore. So in my opinion, till a couple is not on the same page the MIL will find her way in. My and BIL relationship with MIL is in tatters.

[cClearly]

I'm not there yet, but I think the husband and DIL should be on the same page. My wife's BIL and his wife (my wifes sister) are on the same page now, and the MIL can't manipulate them anymore. So in my opinion, till a couple is not on the same page the MIL will find her way in. My and BIL relationship with MIL is in tatters.

I entirely agree.  I had actually filed for divorce.  My PD MIL will do absolutely anything to control my husband and override any decision we make together, control our family.  It took filing for divorce to get him to open his eyes.  He stayed at her house for a month.  Saw it all for himself.  He caught on to the seeds of doubt she placed in his mind.  So we started counseling and we are on the same page.  It has been very difficult at times for him to stand up to his mother, but he does.  She has now been told that the decisions we make for our family are ours and there is no arguing that.  He limits his contact with her and I have chosen for myself to go no contact.  I'm not going to expose myself to her and at this point, I can honor her better by not speaking with her than I can seeing her and talking to her.  I can't be nice.  She came very close to single handedly destroying my marriage.  BPs are pros at making codependents of their children.  My husband has a long road ahead, but so far, so good and honestly, I believe he's on the road to no contact, too.  Every time he speaks with her and every time she opens her mouth, she digs her hole deeper.  My advice, get a good counselor and get on the same page.  Make sure you have a counselor that is experienced in enmeshment.