GF of 1+ year acts in a very confusing way

[pav_bhaji_bun]

Hey folks, first off, I'll start by saying - I read Stop Walking on Eggshells on a whim, after reading someone's description of their ex and how the book helped them. I read some of the descriptions of interpersonal interaction in the book and I feel like it is ripped straight from my life. Adding to all of this is that I see myself in a lot of the traits listed for BPD - I am not very happy myself and feel emptiness often. I have molded my personality to better fit other people and often feel like I have no authentic self.

I don't want to minimize the things that I've done - I've often held back the truth from my partner (not married - dating for 1.25 years) because I was afraid of what they would do once I told them the truth. I am always afraid of hurting their feelings because that's how our relationship started - with me hurting their feelings a lot.

That said, my partner has rages that I don't understand. I've experienced the double bind and just in general feel confused after an argument because my partner will push me away, tell me to go away and then when I do, they get very upset and pile on me for not fighting hard enough for the relationship. I've had clothes thrown at me, been shoved, been screamed at on the phone, and the list goes on.

I feel like I have so much more to say, but at this moment I can't really put it into sentences. I sometimes understand the roots of their anger, and other times I do not. I am wary of labeling either of us as BPD because I am not a licensed anything, but the book just makes so much sense.

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi pav,

*Welcome* Sorry that you have been experiencing difficulties in your relationship. Your story sounds similar to many here. One thing that we hear quite often is that the nonBPD partner believes they may have BPD themselves. It is a possibility that you may have BPD or you may have BPD type traits. BPD is a spectrum disorder. Everyone is somewhere on the spectrum. Things that contribute to BPD like behavior could just come from being around someone with BPD so we picked up some of their coping mechanisms. For instance, in the past when I would get tired of being raged at by my H, I would start raging at him because it caused him to back down and leave me alone.

It sounds like you have been walking on egg shells quite a bit in your relationship because you are scared of hurting her/scared of her response to being hurt. What is one thing that you have wanted to say to your partner that you have felt like you couldn't say out of fear?

We have a workshop on how we often react out of FOG . This workshop might help you begin to identify areas where you respond in this way.

[pav_bhaji_bun]

Thanks so much for your reply! Getting tired of being raged at and then raging back is definitely something I've done, and it still stings me - I don't like being that person, but curiously my partner doesn't dwell on it. Seems like they're so used to that rage, they are transmitting it and are almost immune to it themselves. I've also noticed that my partner's rage comes up most often after they have an interaction with their parents. I think what might be happening is parents pile on partner, then partner piles on me.

I often worry that this type of behavior is contagious. I myself have a lot of anger that comes and goes, and I feel like I can control the expression of it fairly well, until recently where I feel more justified in expressing my anger, making others feel bad.

Yesterday morning, my partner and I had a 1.5 hour long phone call where they felt like I had ignored their feelings, that I wanted to leave (I had talked last week about taking a break from the relationship). I assured them that I would be there to listen in the evening and we hung up the call. That evening, we made up and my partner called me kind and it made me realize how much I love being called that. It is the highest compliment someone can give me. I'm learning a lot about myself - that I hate being called selfish, that I hate being told that I've hurt someone (especially someone I love).

I'll check out the FOG workshop, thanks!

[DaddyBear77]

Hi pav_bhaji_bun,

I wanted to check in and see how things were going.

I wanted to share with you that a lot of what you describe resonates with me and my own experiences. I've had challenges with covering up the truth for fear of the consequences, and the effects are really wide ranging. I'd love share more back and forth on that if you're interested in sharing more.

Also, did you get a chance to take a look at the FOG workshop? What did you think?

[pav_bhaji_bun]

I have not checked out the FOG workshop yet! I will do so soon.

There's a lot to cover here right now - I'm a constantly simmering pot of rage for being a fool for so long. I feel really cheated out of a real relationship. It feels like I actually have no intimacy in the relationship, but there is the mask of it occasionally, long enough for me to drop my guard and let them in, then just get bombarded again the next time something goes wrong.

The double standards also kill me, their family and friends treat them terribly, but if I am a bit cold for 30 minutes on the train ride back because I'm low blood sugar and had a bad day, we have to have a conversation.

I fantasize some days about forcing them to call up these other people in their life and say the horrible things to them that I had to hear for the past year. I want everyone to see exactly what type of person this is. I feel terrible that I've run out of empathy, but I really have. I feel just constant humiliation, anger and desire for vengeance. It also feels very numb, I've never had such few cares for other people in my life.

[Tattered Heart]

It's normal to feel angry when being treated unfairly. Anger lets us know that something needs to change and that our boundaries are possibly being violated.

Did something in particular happen yesterday that caused you to get angry?

[pearlsw]

The double standards also kill me, their family and friends treat them terribly, but if I am a bit cold for 30 minutes on the train ride back because I'm low blood sugar and had a bad day, we have to have a conversation.

I fantasize some days about forcing them to call up these other people in their life and say the horrible things to them that I had to hear for the past year. I want everyone to see exactly what type of person this is. I feel terrible that I've run out of empathy, but I really have. I feel just constant humiliation, anger and desire for vengeance. It also feels very numb, I've never had such few cares for other people in my life.

Hi pav,

I hear ya on the double standards! If I just stopped talking to him, gave him the silent treatment, took space at any time of the day or night, came and go as I pleased without a word, I'd never hear the end of it.

I like what TH said to you about the anger showing you something. I've been more angry than usual lately and it is something I want to take a more careful look at myself. How about you?

take care, pearl.

[pav_bhaji_bun]

It has been quite some time since I posted on here, I've had so, so many thoughts spinning, spinning around in my head the past few weeks.

A lot of my anger has receded. I felt like I have been cheated out of a real option in life for adult companionship. So many of our activities center around their childishness. Every thing now reminds me of their constant need to feel loved - they say "I love you" several times an hour, which in itself isn't bad, but I feel like they're saying it because they know that I am upset because they don't want to go to couples therapy. Why don't they want to go?

Because their father has put them under a lot of stress and so they can't handle being emotionally vulnerable with a therapist right now. I'm upset because they promised me they would do this, I gave them a month's worth of warning, scheduled it after when they were going to take an exam (an exam that got postponed). And the whole time on the phone call I had to reassure them that they were getting better, because god forbid I say that they aren't actually getting better... .that would be too much rejection to take.

They very vocally acknowledge that they are rejection sensitive - they can't handle having a cat, because that would be too much rejection. What about me? OK, you need a rejection-free home atmosphere, I need a hostility free one.

In the past week - there has been stress about the fact that (1) I wanted to go to therapy (2) they bumped their finger in a door and I didn't call to make sure they were OK but a friend did call, so do I even care about them? (3) I'm taking this new job offer what does it mean?

Their whole life is stress. A week before that they had some tiff with their roommate about something callous they said.

I'm one of the few people who can actually see their problem and point it out, yet I can't do that, because facing rejection from me is just the worst thing. But why? What makes me so special? I wish I was completely unattractive so that I would never be in this position again. Part of me just wants to destroy my body and my face so they go find some other source of validation to latch on to.