I'm lost and feel like a loser

[clytie]

 I feel like a loser. When I think of past, I feel like I wasn't good enough to keep his love, admiration or attention. I was boring, serious, shallow... .He called me these things before leaving the house.

This is my biggest "down"  since the break-up. I can't think properly. All I feel is pain. I'm lost right now.

During our 21-year-r/s, there were times when I was angry, aggressive, needy and maybe manipulative too. I also made mistakes.  And now he may have reasons to hate me, to get rid of me, to replace me.  I feel like I deserve all of this.

Today he has changed his phone number. He sent the new number to my mum in case we'll need to call him about our son. He is  angry that I try to keep NC and hasn't sent me the  number. Still it hurts and makes me feel worthless. He is still very angry with me (I heard this from mutual friends) and yesterday he wrote to me about the holiday plans of our son. The message was very cold full of imperatives. I didn't answer it. 

What do I want or expect? Why am I so bad?

[Mutt]

Hi clytie,

 

Don’t be hard on yourself. A pwBPD don’t have a perspective that’s realistic. What I mean is the don’t see the grey nuances in people. A good person has bad qualities and a bad person has good qualities.

You’re not all good or all bad if you’re getting nothing but negative feedback about yourself it’s going to affect your self esteem and self worth.

You’re not alone with getting frustrated at a pwBPD I don’t have professional training and I didn’t know about BPD there would be long stretches where things were chaotic it’s a lot for anyone to take in.

Did you get the number from your mom?

[clytie]

Thank you Mutt. Yesterday was terrible. I think deep inside I still seek for his attention and validation. When he ignored me for so long and then contacted me for once but in a very arogant, controlling and cruel way, I lost control and felt like a zero. I even started to think everything was my fault.  Today I am better. I am not perfect,  that's for sure, but I have managed to spend 21 years with a BPD without knowing the disorder. Of course this r/s was very hard to handle so I also made mistakes. He abused me, I behaved aggressive. He gave silent treatment, I try to provoke and manipulate him for attention to make him see and hear me. But year after year these toxic behaviours started to become part of me and I hated it when I realised. Once I told and asked him: I become the worst version of myself near you. Why are you doing this to me? Stop your pressure on me.

I wish I had known BPD. I wish I had asked for support before. I wish I hadn't reacted his abuse with abuse.

The answer to your question is: No, I didn't get the phone number. He knows it is me who looks after his son who has seroius potential health problems. My T beleives that I should call him when it is about my son. But I dont want to... .He should have sent me his phone number no matter what.
He told many lies, he abused me, he cheated on meboth phsically and emotionally, he made a smear campaign against me, he didnt share my son's last tests' bill (i paid a huge amount of money) and now he even doesn't give me his phone number. I want to keep NC.

[JNChell]

Hi Clytie. I’m really sorry that you’re feeling so down. I can relate, and it really hurts. I’m not really in a position to give you any advice, but I support you. I can say that I’m beginning to realize that pwBPD want us to feel the way we do. I’m starting to learn how the whole projection thing really works for them. It’s quite controlling and crazy making. It feels inhumane at times. I have a Son with my ex as well, so I relate to how much more difficult this makes it all. Hang in there and learn as much as you can. This site has been a godsend. Have you considered seeing a therapist?

[clytie]

Hello JNChell,
Thank you for your reply. It means a lot. I am seeing a T. And facing my past traumas and wounds also make me vulnerable. During my last theraphy, my T told me that "You are not a victim. There has been a toxic dance btw your ex and you." This sentence activated my "blame yourself" mechanism. I started to ask my role in this toxic dance. Of course, as I have very little self esteem right now, I started to feel that I have deserved everything.

My mind tells me to relax and stop taking all the blame. (I blame myself,  ex blames me... .)
Yet my feelings dont let me relax or stop blaming.
I have loved my ex so much and believed him with all my heart. Still I didn't shut up and sit when he crticized me or shouted at me. I also got angry. I did anything to get his attention when he behaved like I even didn't exist.
And now I am black, all alone and blaming myself.

You are right. The BPD ex wants us to feel miderable and guilty.  Unfortunately, he is successful. After leaving the house he told me that "I am giving you the biggest punishment. I am leaving you without me." Wow... .He knows me well... .

[JNChell]

I was the same way. I didn’t sit there and take it either. I fought back. Looking back, it made things worse. I relate to you on taking all of the blame. From her and myself. When we’re constantly told that things are our fault, we eventually start to believe it and question our own reality. It’s mind bending and sadistic brainwashing. Yes, we contributed to the problems in our toxic relationships, but that doesn’t mean that we deserved the treatment we got. Nobody deserves treatment like that. Not even our exes. It’s treatment like that that created their disorder and this forum. Be kind to yourself and realize that it isn’t all your fault. Being treated that way can really bring out the worst in some of us. I’ve found this site to be priceless and it has helped to kickstart my journey inward.

[JNChell]

This was given to me by once removed yesterday. I hope you find it helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

[clytie]

Dear JNChell, thank you for your support.
 I have decided to practice mindfulness and some yoga today. I have read the link you sent. It really helps me to get a new perspective. I also download a mindfulness exercise application to my phone.
I also read your story. It is so similar to mine. To find someone who knows how I feel, who has been in my shoes is priceless. All the things  (the break up, the lying, the cheating, the blaming, NC... .) distorted my sense of reality and destroyed my trust in myself. I thought I was special to him no matter what. Then realized that I am just a trash (after spending half of my life with him). Your understanding about my situation helps me to regain my sense of reality. Thank you.

[JNChell]

 

[Mutt]

Hi clytie,

I wish I had known BPD. I wish I had asked for support before. I wish I hadn't reacted his abuse with abuse.

We're not trained professionals to diagnose someone with a severe and complex mental illness BPD can be difficult for professionals to detect because some symptoms overlap with other disorders and mental illnesses. JNChell spoke of fighthing back I fought back too, I'm not advocating abuse everyone has their limits and sometimes we may regret our reactions, we're not perfect. Give yourself a break forgive yourself and show compassion to yourself.

My T beleives that I should call him when it is about my son. But I dont want to... .He should have sent me his phone number no matter what.

I agree with contacting your ex because of your son. It can be hard to seperate our emotions from our exes and interact with them for the sake of our kids. I don't blame you that you don't want to talk to him I'm going to guess that he can say things that can ruin your day. Sometimes I felt knot in my stomach and dread because I had to talk to my ex.

It's 2018 and there are more ways to communicate today then there ever was. I haven't talked to my ex in 5 years. NC is virtually impossible when you have kids you can have minimal contact and have boundaries on what you will discuss with your ex. I've kept in touch with my ex through email because it's less emotional I can take my time to response I wait for 24 to 48 hours if she's emotionally dysregulated because she's flooded with emotions I won't be able to communicate with her effectively.

You can get caught off guard on a phone and the tone of someone's voice can be difficult to handle. E-mail is less emotional, you can really give thought to your responses and be detached.

Anyone can say anything on a phone and it doesn't matter. What I mean by that is if you had to prove something in court it's he said she said with email you can track everything and keep records of what was said. If I need to I could just print of emails and give it to my lawyer just in case. My kids are more important than my ex and I want to make sure that I have everything covered and my ex can't manipulate anything in my life.

Have you thought about talking to your ex through email, text, Facebook Messenger, Whatsapp, I'm sure others can share ideas of ways to communicate than a phone?

[clytie]

I have just read the message he sent to my mum. His previous telephone line was on me. In his message he wrote that I should close the line. He called me as "T... .'s mum". His language was very very formal, very cold. as if i mean nothing to him. After all he has done, how dare he !

It hurts it hurts it hurts. Now I am the stranger!

I hate this disorder!

[clytie]

I have been so emotional for two days. Confronting anything about him (this time phone issue) makes me so vulnerable. I understand the importance of NC once again.

Dear Mutt, thank you for your suggestion. I think communicating via e-mail is the best option for me. I can't stand the cruelty and emptiness in his voice. I can accept not being in a r/s, but I can't handle being noone.
All of this is so hard... .

[Jeffree]

clytie,

It's awful to be given that matter of fact, "it's business not personal" attitude and tone by an ex lover, isn't it?

I have gotten that crud from my STBx on the regrettable occasions where I have run into her at my house during one of her rare visits to the kids and pets who live with me. It smacks of this unearned smug, high and mightyness. However, I am used to much worse from her, so it's a drop in the bucket, just a temporary punch to the gut.

I know the person I loved and who loved me with such vigor in the beginning is gone... .vanished, not coming back to the planet Earth. And when I do see her, she does her best to make a show of how great a person she is and what a mediocre piece of garbage I am.

The thing is that my STBx overplayed her hand, abused me too many times over, and I am left with ZERO romantic feelings for her. She's just some pathetic, middle aged harlot as far as I am concerned.

You'll become less and less agitated by him as the days pass. But it sucks for now, I know. Hang in there.

J

[Mutt]

Hi clytie,

Dear Mutt, thank you for your suggestion. I think communicating via e-mail is the best option for me.

Here are communication techniques that work well with a HCP ( high conflict person ) BIFF and JADE become familiar with JADE make yourself a small target by saying things briefly and not repeating yourself ( say things once ) don't Justify Argue Defend Explain

B.I.F.F. Technique for Email Communications

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

[clytie]

Dear Jeffree, thank you for your support.

Treated like a piece of garbage hurts a lot, and causes a painful turmoil in my mind and heart. Everything feels like surreal, a film frame... .Your last sentences gives hope ... .

Luckily, I haven't seen my ex since September (at the court during divorce). In July I accepted to see him for the sake of our son. He was hateful and cold. I started to cry and wanted to hug him. He didn't let me touch him and said he was in depression for the last 3 years, he was confused. He should have left me and went to the other woman 3 years ago. He was madly in love with her. She filled the void inside him. [They had a secret affair for 3 years and I accidentally found their messages and photos./so unfair... .]. Yet I was too confused to act properly because I didn't know BPD or the details of their affair. I thought he still loved me as he said he loved me the most in his life in June during his visit to see our son , and when I called the lawyer, he phoned me and said "I can't leave youuu!" in June. When I asked about these, he said he had lied to me, he didn't love me any more.

Then I made up my mind, started seeing a T. She told me that he had many traits of BPD. Then I started my search and became sure that he is a typical BPD.  I don't know why but I have always had the hope that he will miss me and turn me in white again whether we have a romantic r/s or not.

He behaved me very very bad several times during 21 years but being cruel and behaving like trash constantly is something new. I think I have had my biggest "down" because I l lost all my hope that he will realize he still cares about me. And I sense that my NC triggers his bad behaviour towards me.

Our son (7) wants us to come together a lot. He tells his dreams about three of us. But I can't stand seeing him when he feels nothing positive about me. 

I want this nightmare to stop soon and gain my emotional stability and happiness as soon as possible. I want to stop thinking of him and literally move on.

Dear Mutt, thank you for the techniques. I really need to learn and use them effectively. My ex will do anything to control me and violate my boundaries. And I am really bad at establishing boundaries towards him. Maybe that's why he stopped respecting me and took me for granted.

[Jeffree]

Clytie,

I am really bad at establishing boundaries towards him. Maybe that's why he stopped respecting me and took me for granted.

One of the confusing things about BPD is that most of their actions have no rhyme or reason. Thus, to blame yourself or any of your actions or life events to your exes behaviors toward you are futile. I know it's normal to try and make some cause and effect sense about why your ex turned on you, what caused him to stray, and why he's treating you the way he is, but crazily this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his illness.

It might help you to separate from some of your hurt by remembering just how difficult having the smallest bit of fun or joy with him was. I think we sometimes forget just how difficult things were constantly because of ALL the fires they start. Before you know it, you don't know if you're coming or going, and then when they leave we miss them rather than breathe a sigh of relief.

The worst thing for me was being asked to explain to her time and time again what I love about her, pulling everything I could from the depths of my heart and soul to show her just how real my love was, then not receiving a thanks or anything of the sort in return. Zip. And, incredibly, this was supposed to be OK.

Meanwhile, I forget about that usually, because I'm thinking about the time she called the cops on me; or almost accidentally set the house on fire; screaming arguments with the kids; throwing my stuff around the house; causing drama during every single birthday, holiday party, or trip to visit people; etc.

In the end, I was more worried that my STBx wouldn't have the credit rating to be able to move out on her own and would have to stay indefinitely than her leaving.

I am sure if you look back into your history with this person that there have been warning signs all along that he was capable of all these behaviors toward you.

J

[TurbanCowboy]

Dear Jeffree, thank you for your support.

Treated like a piece of garbage hurts a lot, and causes a painful turmoil in my mind and heart. Everything feels like surreal, a film frame... .Your last sentences gives hope ... .

Luckily, I haven't seen my ex since September (at the court during divorce). In July I accepted to see him for the sake of our son. He was hateful and cold. I started to cry and wanted to hug him. He didn't let me touch him and said he was in depression for the last 3 years, he was confused. He should have left me and went to the other woman 3 years ago. He was madly in love with her. She filled the void inside him. [They had a secret affair for 3 years and I accidentally found their messages and photos./so unfair... .]. Yet I was too confused to act properly because I didn't know BPD or the details of their affair. I thought he still loved me as he said he loved me the most in his life in June during his visit to see our son , and when I called the lawyer, he phoned me and said "I can't leave youuu!" in June. When I asked about these, he said he had lied to me, he didn't love me any more.

Then I made up my mind, started seeing a T. She told me that he had many traits of BPD. Then I started my search and became sure that he is a typical BPD.  I don't know why but I have always had the hope that he will miss me and turn me in white again whether we have a romantic r/s or not.

He behaved me very very bad several times during 21 years but being cruel and behaving like trash constantly is something new. I think I have had my biggest "down" because I l lost all my hope that he will realize he still cares about me. And I sense that my NC triggers his bad behaviour towards me.

Our son (7) wants us to come together a lot. He tells his dreams about three of us. But I can't stand seeing him when he feels nothing positive about me. 

I want this nightmare to stop soon and gain my emotional stability and happiness as soon as possible. I want to stop thinking of him and literally move on.

Dear Mutt, thank you for the techniques. I really need to learn and use them effectively. My ex will do anything to control me and violate my boundaries. And I am really bad at establishing boundaries towards him. Maybe that's why he stopped respecting me and took me for granted.

I understand your pain.

My replacement moved into our house a month after I left and my son who is 5 identifies him as Papi which is father in Spanish. 11 weeks ago my wife and I after a rough two months went back to where I proposed and were buying an enhancer for her engagement ring by end of the weekend. I went from thinking it was over for months to getting back my retainer.

10 days later when it was time to pick up the enhancer the marriage was done again and I was returning the ring. My wife would then admit she was in love with this  man who now lives in my house when I bought this ring that was her idea.

Talk about a gut punch and mixed messages. 

It shows however, and so many of us have these stories, how selfish and disordered the thinking is.  When my son is calling some guy my wife has known for a handful of months Papi there is a major problem not only with her but the guy she is with as well.  If the roles were reversed my son would not be calling any woman any name that interprets as mother and if I allowed that to happen my wife would decapitate me. It’s another example of her having no ability to care about anyone’s feelings but her own. It shows how sick she is and how desperate she is to lock this man into a long term relationship after we lived together for 10 years.

My wife right now expects me to be understanding of her relationship and respect that it’s her life. She expects that we can have a normal friendly relationship for our son. Again, she’s not looking at this from my perspective. I’m guessing if the roles were reversed and I was playing house with my son and new love interest and she was in an apartment  mostly alone picking up the pieces, I’m guessing she’d  be inconsolable, AT BEST.  She can’t put herself in my shoes, that would be too painful for her.  Instead she is finding reasons to paint me black so that she can justify doing this to me.

Just understand you aren’t alone in what you are going through and it’s not your fault.

Misery loves company. Your husband likely is not happy and is hoping you are unhappy.

Let’s be real, a lot of us on here are unhappy and that’s why we are here trying to cope.  Many of of us are hoping they are unhappy, miss us, etc. If we are hoping for that because we are unhappy and we don’t have BPD, isn’t likely our ex’s are  also hoping for that because they too are unhappy?

I haven’t read anything anywhere on the Internet from people who suffer from BPD about how great it is because you can just jump from one relationship to the next and always be happy because of it. If that’s a disorder, easy relationship hopping and eternal happiness, sign me up.

Your husband is likely suffering more than you are and I’m pretty sure my wife  is likely suffering more than I am. My son that she sees most mornings is a constant reminder of me.

[clytie]

Dear TurbanCowboy,

   I know how you feel too. I know all of these are insane, hurtful and unfair. And it's great to get support from people who knows/ feels/ understands how you feel. I felt like I was going crazy when I started this topic. Luckily, this forum saved me once more by your support.

"My wife right now expects me to be understanding of her relationship and respect that it’s her life. She expects that we can have a normal friendly relationship for our son. Again, she’s not looking at this from my perspective. I’m guessing if the roles were reversed and I was playing house with my son and new love interest and she was in an apartment  mostly alone picking up the pieces, I’m guessing she’d  be inconsolable, AT BEST.  She can’t put herself in my shoes, that would be too painful for her.  Instead she is finding reasons to paint me black so that she can justify doing this to me."

I totally agree with you. They don't and can't look anything from our perspectives. My ex believes that his secret affair is nothing to do with our break-up because I deserved being replaced. Yet before getting divorced, I forced him see a couple T. During the therapy he said "I want a divorce, but I want to be friends.".
He never apologized for his cheating, lying or smear campaigns; but he thinks we can be friends.

If it was me who had a double life, I even can't imagine what he would do. I guess they don't understand that we haven't been objects in their lives. We have been subjects who had unique feelings, ideas and experiences. We are not just supplies to feel their void. One can replace an object (a pencil/ a dress / a car... ) ; but a subject (a person/ a cat ... .) can not be replaced because it is unique. The next one can't have what we have and vice versa. And every person is responsible for filling their void. This can't be done by someone else.

Now I try to be reasonable and accept his illness; yet I am still very angry and disappointed. That is one of the reasons I keep NC. I don't want to confront his manipulations, aggression, and his emotionless treatment as I can react wrongly. I need no more drama while being in so much pain and building a new life with my son. 

"Let’s be real, a lot of us on here are unhappy and that’s why we are here trying to cope.  Many of of us are hoping they are unhappy, miss us, etc. If we are hoping for that because we are unhappy and we don’t have BPD, isn’t likely our ex’s are  also hoping for that because they too are unhappy?

I haven’t read anything anywhere on the Internet from people who suffer from BPD about how great it is because you can just jump from one relationship to the next and always be happy because of it. If that’s a disorder, easy relationship hopping and eternal happiness, sign me up.

Your husband is likely suffering more than you are and I’m pretty sure my wife  is likely suffering more than I am. My son that she sees most mornings is a constant reminder of me."

I love the last part of your reply. It made me smile. That is not a nice thing for me to say but I want him to suffer because of me, at least for a while.

[clytie]

Dear Jeffree,

Thank you!

I have read your last reply several times because it makes me think of the big picture. The message of the reply is just like a wake-up call for me.

While in the r/s, I usually made excuses for him. I repeated myself that anything was not his fault, I should have accepted him as he was, he loved me more than anything. I automatically chose to forget about his abuse or neglect. I believed that he was a gift for me and idealized his good sides while ignoring the bad ones.

Today, I see that I was  in pain and I was  alone during the r/s. There were just  few very good and deep moments (ups), and of course the dreams/ hopes about him. These made me stuck. Yes, good moments were really very good, but honestly they were not enough. I should have loved myself more (still I don't know how to manage this).

[Jeffree]

I should have loved myself more (still I don't know how to manage this).

It's never too late to start. You've already begun by realizing you deserve better than what your ex was offering.

Being gentle with yourself is also a good step.

Sometimes it sounds as if you're admonishing yourself for your role in this, getting caught up with someone like him, missing him, etc.

You're human. It happens. We make mistakes. We might even repeat these mistakes. But we have to learn from them, too, and help ourselves take positive action on our own behalf as we learn.

You know, that's the thing, though. Our exBPDs demanded complete and utter perfection out of us, or we received their wrath. And in trying to anticipate their needs and failing, we kind of take it out on ourselves. It's a record that we need to stop playing when they are no longer in our lives.

For instance, countless times my communication with my STBx was like threading a needle to head off disaster. A ridiculous question would be asked or an unreasonable demand made, and my response would have to be perfect in order to avoid her attacking me.

Needless to say, I developed a little bit of a stutter (but I'm talking very, very minor to where only I noticed it). However, she began to get mad at me well measuring my responses. "Just spit it out already," she'd say. This only made it worse, and I began to get frustrated with myself when I did it at work over the phone to customers or coworkers.

Now? I'm back to enjoying speaking with people freely and not getting so hung up on my words, having fun initiating conversations and thoughtful responses. I'm back to being easy on myself, which helps a lot.

I am sure as you recover from this, you'll rediscover ways to love yourself.

J