She comes back to me when in financial trouble. I want to save this relationship

[GD39]

Hi

So, udBPDGF left me for the 6th time in 10 months. I have got to now that I have to give her some time and she comes around whenever she finds herself at the end of her financial rope. Yes, I know, there is an element of being used for money, however, I have discovered that knowing that money is available to cover needs makes her feel safe. I know that the undercurrent of all is that she finds herself incapable of keeping a flow of money to cover her expenses. She is not able to hold a job due to her constant change of mood and thoughts. All said, I still love her. I have read all I can about BPD, and has allowed for me to understand her to the best of my ability, nevertheless, sometimes I loose it as well. Recently, I set up monetary boundaries, and it triggered her. Among other things I stated that I needed for her to make good on her promise on going to therapy with me. As usual, banned from watsapp, "dont ever contact me again, and so forth." Well, this time I was the one to contact her, as I have done in the last couple of weeks since these up and downs have been happening more frequently, but is due that she moved to a new house.

All this said is to ask, she answered my message, and wants to know what is all about. I would like to address the changes that need to happen, reassure her that I will not abandon her, and that I still love her, but would like for us to start our relationship back on how it started, that was we saw each other on Fridays, stayed overnight together, and we moved on with our lives. It appears it worked best for us. That I would like for it to move forward, yes, but I don't see a future right now. When she moved I asked how did she see us, and her reply was, "We are boyfriend / girlfriend, but not together." I took this to mean, we are in a relationship, but will not live together.

In conclusion, now, she is in need of a few things, that I would like to help her with, go back to how we managed our relationship, and take it from there, and see what happens. I wonder if she ever would agree to therapy, or for us to live together, but I would take the once a week thing for now. Question is how can I talk to her in order to incline the conversation in a successfull manner?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

Recently, I set up monetary boundaries, and it triggered her. Among other things I stated that I needed for her to make good on her promise on going to therapy with me. As usual, banned from watsapp, "dont ever contact me again, and so forth."

GD39, after a breakup, that is most likely too heavy a call. It will sound like... ."I need this and this and this and this... ."

I think, as a general rule, you would be better to just say hi, get a line of communication open, and ask her (just so you would know) what she would need to feel better about things. They say you want to thing about all that she shared.

See where I'm going with this?

[GD39]

Thanks Skip. Yes it makes sense the part of "what you need for things to be better." So if I understand you well, that would be how to open the "line of communication" that you are talking about?

Now, I do not understand what you meant with the "... .where Im going with this?" Should I take that the previous sentence is to think about what she shared? That means previously, or during the conversation? How / what to think about? It is very difficult for me many times with her to read between the lines. I will definitely share with you guys once is past to get some input and get out of my head. If you hadn't shared your point of view I would have not definitely thought of putting the ball and control in her court that way.

[Skip]

I think it would help to look at Scotties video:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

It's short.

Especially hear the part about "agenda".

The take a shot a drafting for us what you would say to her. Others here can help you with the tone and intensity (keep it low key).

[ArleighBurke]

I think if you want to make the relationship work, you need to have zero expectations of her. You need to accept that YOU CANNOT CHANGE HER. She may stay with you, she may not. She may see others, she may not. She may spend all the money she can, she may not. She may start therapy, she may not.

The only thing you can do is to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Setting monetary boundaries is good (but I need to check - a boundary where you ask HER not to spend too much is not a boundary. You need to physically limit how much she has access to). Setting other boundaries is also good, remembering they are NOT there to control her - just to protect yourself.

[GD39]

Watched the video, and I think I have used much of that technique, but honestly, she switches from one thought to another that I feel many times I am trying to hit a moving target. If I got something from the video is not to care of where the target moves 
First of all, this conversation today most likely will be by text. I called and she did not pick up, but sent a text immediately afterwards asking what was the deal. During our last interaction, one of the things she stated was in the lines of, “If you have any self love, you would not contact me again.” She had never said that, and I have read that some BPD sufferers loose respect for us nons if we actually pursue them. That is why I was debating if to contact her or not. Well, contacting her won.
As per what you asked Skip, on sharing what would be my approaching words, this morning I sent her a text that read… in the likes of…
It is not that I have no self-love, is that I love you more than that.
Then is was when she kept on asking to tell her what was the call all about, and I froze, and that is when I decided to post. I gave her the excuse that I had too much work to do before the day was out, and that I PROMISED I would text her in the evening. After the video and your input, I think this would be my script:

I think that you have been under so much stress lately with the move and all that it must be overwhelming for you to figure out what is the next step. You said that you are confused on what order you would need to do things.  Is there anything I can do to make things better?

This last line is on your suggestion…is that brief / good enough? I then will have to take it from there on whatever she answers, or if not…

Again, thanks for your assistance.   

[Skip]

Don't tell her you love her. Not now. She has told you that she sees that as weak and clingy (that is what her self love statement meant).

Don't tell her how she feels or make excuses why she doesn't have time for you. That is also week.

She keeps asking you, "what is the deal"... .that is not a very receptive lady, right now. She is open to some communication (good), but she is guarded and ready to shut down any "lets fall in love again" talk (bad). You step on the wrong topic and she is going to shut down.

That suggests a very narrow safe target. I might toss in a seed... .back off. Come back a little later.

What is something that you know that she would like, isn't a boyfriend to girlfriend type of thing. If a gift, something that wont be so much that she will feel she owes you? Like a gift card she she can have dinner out (without you) while she is in this move. It's a seed as she might invite you in a week or two to join her. She also might take her friend out. Either way, will may make her less defensive for the next round. You go even say you wanted to know her best restaurant, but decided to get a gift card that could be used at any restaurant.

These are examples.  Do you get the gist of this?

[Notwendy]

How about this?

I think that you have been under so much stress lately with the move and all that it must be overwhelming for you to figure out what is the next step.

You have just defined the reason for her distress. How do you know? Maybe she is upset about something else, but you've just defined, invalidated her in a way, or made her concerns less legitimate " it isn't really your feelings, you are just stressed dear"

How about. "Hi honey, I am interested in hearing how you feel about our last conversation? "


You said that you are confused on what order you would need to do things. Is there anything I can do to make things better?


How is it that you can make things better for her? What are her ideas? What I hear is- oh honey you are so overwhelmed you poor incompetent stressed out little thing, let me fix this for you since you can't"

Try "You said that you are confused on what order you would need to do things. I trust that you can figure this out but I am here if you wish to talk"


It is wonderful to help, but sometimes our "helping" and "fixing" can take away their own self confidence. You may mean well, but your words might feel controlling to her.

[GD39]

Thanks guys. Ill let you know how it goes. Clarification, in "What is the deal" that is my way of saying it. Actually I forgot that she actually called me back, but got disconnected, and that is when she texted, "I lost signal, but tell me, why the call?"

As for your gist Skip, I will have to give it lots of thought since she does not have a particular like. Let me clarify further, I live on the border, and she is in Mexico. So the idea of a restaurant gift card, I am not sure how I could make that one work. Never mind, as I was writing it, I figured one way, a card to pay her cell phone.

Thanks notwendy for the script. I will use part of it.

And Arleigh... .thanks for the honest truth. I need to keep that in mind.

[Skip]

As for your gist Skip, I will have to give it lots of thought since she does not have a particular like. Let me clarify further, I live on the border, and she is in Mexico. So the idea of a restaurant gift card, I am not sure how I could make that one work. Never mind, as I was writing it, I figured one way, a card to pay her cell phone.

Paying her rent or utilities is not a good message. Buying her a dinner or a housewarming gift is more appropriate. You can always use American express checks if all else fails or you can by a prepaid credit card with dinner money.

[Notwendy]

Money can be a difficult topic in a relationship and even couples without issues can have conflicts over it. Money is emotional, a source of power, and this can be potentially abused in a relationship.

Maybe it would help to separate the two issues in order to think about the situation.

You both want/need something from each other. She needs money. I don't know what else she needs or wants or if she even wants the relationship. But we know she needs money.

You have money, and you want something from her, the relationship.

Mixing the two seems to confuse the picture. A relationship of sorts is a business transaction. A loving relationship is not.

You notice she comes around when she needs money and you don't seem to mind giving it to her, but it comes with expectations.

A gift has no strings attached. A sum of money with expectations is not a gift- it is an arrangement.

Two things are going on here. One is the relationship. You want to get things to a certain point. She doesn't seem to be on board or it isn't clear what is going on with her.

You see she needs money. Money will help her financial issue, but it isn't going to fix the relationship issues right now. That takes some time.

An idea- (it is up to you to decide what you wish to do):

Are you OK with just the gift of money for now, or would you feel resentful if you just gave it to her without some plans for repairing the relationship? There is no correct answer- but your own honest feelings will tell you what to do. If you would feel resentful, better to not send her money.

If you just want to help her, then help her like you would a friend or a sister. Wire the money with a note saying this is a gift - and don't expect romance.

Then say, if you are interested in pursuing our relationship please let me know but this money is a gift no matter what you decide.

If she contacts you- then you can take up the relationship part. If you don't hear from her until she needs money again, then you also know what this is about. She needs money. I think you want her to want you, but if she only contacts you for money then you have an idea of what she wants.

[GD39]

Well guys, wanted to give you all a follow up. I took some time, because I wasn't sure yet, what was the final chapter on this

One day, basically she stated that I was only good for her for money. From that day on, it appears that subconsciously I was looking for a way out. So, yesterday, without a word, and without letting her know, I said goodbye in my head. We were to go out, and she had new clothes and jewelry, and during the morning she was asking me to take her kid to the dentist. He has had a toothache for two weeks, and trying to scam me into taking him. I suggested, what about the father, and that went into oblivion. And here she has money to buy herself new stuff while claiming not having money? Well, I had a look in my face, and started asking. I said I had nothing to say. On and on it went, until I said, let me know if you are coming, because if not I am going home. She decided to cancel after I had driven 1 1/2 hours to pick her up. That was the final straw. I am done with this relationship.  She does not know that yet. I am almost certain she will try to contact me today, and when she doesn't get an answer will rage, and let me know how she is leaving me. Whatever lets her sleep at night. I am just too exhausted to try to keep something alive that I never know when it will bite me in the behind, since it appears is always the final outcome.

Good luck to you.

[juju2]

All i can say, is i understand.

What i am dealing with is finding my truth, in spite of them.  Regardless of them.

They have a mental illness.  Somehow a physical illness has more weight in our society.  It should not be.

I only recently got in touch w my pwBPD has an illness.  He is high functioning, i forgot he has BPD.!

For me it doesnt matter, physically or mentally.

Either way, our loved ones have something, that comes in to play, each one being different.

I cant tell you the correct actions to take.

I am just sharing my awareness.

Blessings,  j

[GD39]

All i can say, is i understand.

What i am dealing with is finding my truth, in spite of them.  Regardless of them.

They have a mental illness.  Somehow a physical illness has more weight in our society.  It should not be.

I only recently got in touch w my pwBPD has an illness.  He is high functioning, i forgot he has BPD.!

For me it doesnt matter, physically or mentally.

Either way, our loved ones have something, that comes in to play, each one being different.

I cant tell you the correct actions to take.

I am just sharing my awareness.

Blessings,  j

Good for you on the truth search. I disagree with you. Yes it matters when someone is constantly putting you down, draining your financial resources to the breaking point, and not able to talk about it without becoming an issue all the time. I just got too tired to keep on doing it. She refuses to get help, Ive been in therapy for the last six months, and it allowed me to see that I am in no need to keep on living with this rejection, abuse, and stress building situation. i do not have a partner, I have a tantrum, spoiled, four year old. She can know do her crazy somewhere else. I just had my fill. I am dying to have a partner that is happy to see me for me, and not for the money I am carrying in my pocket.

[Skip]

Do you want to work on saving the relationship?  Or are you mostly interested in complaining about it? 

This board is about problem solving. We can move this thread to a better board for expressing frustration.

Let us know. 

[GD39]

Do you want to work on saving the relationship?  Or are you mostly interested in complaining about it? 

This board is about problem solving. We can move this thread to a better board for expressing frustration.

Let us know. 

As I said, it started as a saving it, as for now, I just done with it, I was just replying to the last message in regards that it does not matter that is a physical ailment vs a mental one. That is all. The frustration is all done. It was a cumulative effect through time. When I said enough, it was because I had enough. The last few days were the most destructive I have had in any relationship. It is now a pick up the pieces and move on.

Thanks for your asisstance. I am sad it didnt work out, but I had to save myself in the end.