My success story

[Frankee]

At first, I was thinking of putting the subject "My success story", but now I'm not sure that's how I really feel.

January 10th, I was kicked out of my home and ended up in a shelter.  January 17th, I am now far away from him with my kids.  The domestic violence helped me get him arrested for drug possession and then extract my kids from the home the same time.  I had 5 police officer's show up at the house and I saw the whole thing from the back of one of the police cars.  Seeing him get arrested was terrifying,  I was certain I had signed my death warrant.

Later that night, I was set up for relocation.  Far away.  Currently in route to new shelter.  He had me so scared for my life, believed him so much that he could find me anywhere, that I grabbed only way I could carry and fled the state.  I believed him so much that he would kill me, that I left a good job, a beach town, and basically everything the kids and I own, just to get far away from him.  

He sent messages from the time I left until yesterday morning.  I didn't see them until yesterday afternoon.   His bleeding heart.  Begging for a chance to change.  He won't ask me to come back, losing me is the biggest mistake of his life and he didn't want to lose the kids too.  I feel bad for taking them from him, to some degree.  Truth is, he said horrible things to the youngest.  Acted out towards me in angry threatening ways in front of the oldest.  He pushed me so far away.  All the times he got angry that I was quiet,  were the times I was slow dying inside and giving up fighting for us.  I didn't know what I was fighting for anymore.  It wasn't until the kids and I were gone.

I wish there was truth to his attempts to want to change, talk it out, that he would go to counseling.  I've heard it before.  I have my doubts about what I am doing.  It hasn't hit me yet.  I still care for him and even love the part of him that was good.  When I think of leaving and how much it hurts, it's because everything in my life was good,  except him.  I left everything I loved behind, just to get away from him and that's what breaks my heart.

[Mutt]

I can be hard to write down your true and honest feelings thanks for sharing. It’s also hard to leave someone when they attest that they’re going to change. It’s heartbreaking change doesn’t happen for some people until they hit their rock bottom.

Nothing changes without change. As the non you have to disengage when your partner I is self destructive and abusive towards the r/s and the family. He survived before you and he’ll survive after you. Shift your external compassion point it inward for self compassion and take really good care of yourself.

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

[Jeffree]

Frankee,

Sounds to me like you did the exact right thing for you and your kids.

Everything else will fall into place.

Great job!  

J

[Skip]

I was set up for relocation.  Far away.  Currently in route to new shelter.  He had me so scared for my life, believed him so much that he could find me anywhere, that I grabbed only way I could carry and fled the state.  

You are going to experience a lot of difficult feelings in the days to come, that is normal - part of this.

I know you feared this. Sounds like you are in good hands and they know what they are doing.

[Cat Familiar]

You and the kids are safe. I'm so glad to hear this. You've been through a lot, more than most people will ever experience. It will take a while to process what's happened, but the most important thing is that you are safe. You can rebuild everything else.

I count my blessings that I got out, but it took me way too many years. In the process of staying with him, he really damaged my self-esteem and that took a long time for me to repair. You saw the writing on the wall early and took steps to protect your children and yourself. That was very perceptive and brave. You spared your children from years of abuse, as well as yourself.

I know it hurts now. You fell in love with the part of him that was kind. But as you got to know him, he showed you another side that was very dangerous. Hearts mend. Your children will be much healthier adults growing up without abuse. You did the right thing.      

[formflier]

   

I'm so glad you are safe and you have distance.

As time allows... please keep us informed. 

FF

[Frankee]

I was reading over my old posts.  The catalog of encounters with him.  The things he has said to me since.  Starting seven months ago.  I only got through three pages of posts I have made.  I'm glad I came on here and posted the good and bad.  Seems there is more bad.  It also reminds me of why I am doing this.  Reminds me of why I picked the place I did.  I already can tell that once I'm at my destination and get settle in... .That's when it will really hit me. 

The heartache I am feeling right now is nothing compared to how I was feeling seven months ago. Pain so crushing and unbearable that I thought abut ending it.  That's how bad he could make me feel.

I came on here, looking for hope.  I really wanted to fix my relationship and move forward, what I didn't see seven months ago was that I was moving forward, but in the complete opposite direction I wanted.  I never wanted it to come to this, but once I was getting clarity, I saw that what was going on was getting worse and accepted the fact that it was a very abusive relationship.   I hope he gets help for himself.  So he can one day be there was the kids, but I can't see any way to salvage or relationship anymore.

I haven't fully processed the loss of my old life, but hopefully I can get support with that next step.

[Skip]

he can one day be there was the kids, but I can't see any way to salvage or relationship anymore.

I really think you have to consider this relationship over and done for good. You are going to have impulses to go back, but it's a very dangerous situation now. Remember what you were told, homicides occur during this stage and often in attempts to make-up or talk. Its not a comment about him, its about the situation.

Are the kids tuned in enough that they won't call home behind your back?

How long will his arrest keep him off the street. Is it a serious charge? Can he make bail?

Were you able to take any cash when leaving?  How long will the DV people provide housing?

[babyducks]

Hi Frankee

Beginnings that we make for ourselves are tough.    They are hard work.     There will be a lot to process.   There will be good days and not so good days.   You are on the path of moving forward to something better.

Rely on the advice and the knowledge of the DV experts.     They know what they are talking about.

Hang in there.   

'ducks

[sweetheart]

I’m so glad you and the children are safe.

As Skip has said your feelings are going to be all over the place for some time to come as you process what has happened to you.

I just want to also reinforce what Mutt posted that your exbf survived before and will do so again. It is your survival that is the most important focus for you now.

Keep posting, keep talking to the professionals you have access too. Be kind to yourself and know that you made a very wise decision and followed good advice that got you and your children to where you will be able to take small steady steps toward rebuilding your life.

[Frankee]

I haven't gone to see the counselor here yet.  The day I arrived,  I spent the time getting settled in. The time change we went through and sleeping here and there on the bus messed up our internal clocks a little bit. 

Day two.  I met this woman here with four kids.  We got talking about our experiences.  It was a shock.   The things she said and I said about what they did and said, was almost the same.  I made some lists about the services I would like to get help with.  I had already dropped off all social media.  Changed passwords, got a new email.

I'm worried about the oldest child.  He's 7 and I know he's going to start missing him, his home, school, the dogs, everything.  I talked to a dv worker and want to get him set up with a counselor.  The youngest one is not even two.  He doesn't really understand what is going on except we are somewhere new.

He's already out.  The bail was so low that he was out the day after we left town.  I had no money when I left. I had my foodstamp card with me.  I was able to buy stuff for the kids to eat on the trip.  I was surprised by the kindness of strangers.  One lady bought us chicken nuggets and gave me $20 to buy dinner for them the next couple days.

I know I haven't even begun to process my feelings yet, haven't even cried since I have been here.  Rereading my old posts reminds me of why I'm doing this.  I spent so long being mistreated that it became normal.  I don't know what I feel.  I've been on survival mode for so long that when I crash, it's going to be very hard.

[Skip]

Has your counselor talked to you about the Uniform Child-Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (in your home state)? What are they thinking with respect to when to tell him where his children are / provide access? How long can you just be gone? Is the issue more in his hands? Does he need to file a court case in six months or lose custody?

You have really been through it. Wow.

[Frankee]

Has your counselor talked to you about the Uniform Child-Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (in your home state)? What are they thinking with respect to when to tell him where his children are / provide access? How long can you just be gone? Is the issue more in his hands? Does he need to file a court case in six months or lose custody?

You have really been through it. Wow.

As the ladies at the other DV shelter said... Since he's not on either birth certificate,  he will has to establish paternity to get visitations... .How can he establish paternity, if he can't find you? *mischievous look*

I haven't been told on a time frame of how long I can stay in the shelter.  Me making it very clear he threatened death if I left with the kids seemed to have gotten through of how serious this is.  They made it to where I could disappear.

Once I talk to my advocate,  I will have more clarity on everything.   

I hit September posts.  I cried a little.  Only because I saw what I had posted and remembered the horrible and cruel things he had said.  You Don't say those things to someone you love.  I knew it back in September.  Saw how many times I said I was done, I had thrown in the towel, how I couldn't validate anymore.  I wasn't as prepared as I wanted to be with my documents and stuff for the kids, but emotionally, I was.

[Cat Familiar]

I met this woman here with four kids.  We got talking about our experiences.  It was a shock.   The things she said and I said about what they did and said, was almost the same... .I know I haven't even begun to process my feelings yet, haven't even cried since I have been here.  Rereading my old posts reminds me of why I'm doing this.  I spent so long being mistreated that it became normal.  I don't know what I feel.  I've been on survival mode for so long that when I crash, it's going to be very hard.

Having peer support is so valuable. Abusers typically separate or isolate their partners from families and friends. When you don't have healthy relationships to compare with your own home environment, the abuse becomes normalized.

You were very smart to get out when you did. It took me nearly twenty years to exit my first marriage. And afterwards it took me many years to recover from the abuse. Even worse, the damage he did to me carried over into my next relationships. Counseling was a life saver for me. I was so accustomed to being treated badly that had I not gotten some outside perspective, I'm sure I would have fallen back into some of those dysfunctional patterns.

What you've gone through is a trial by fire. You now know how strong you are, though at times it will still feel overwhelming. But you made it out, safely.    

[sweetheart]

Getting support for your 7yo in place is really positive, it will help because you're right at 7 he will want to know what is happening and why, and not knowing will increase his worries.
Putting in place a routine for your son will also be important, getting him into a local school will help with the transition that he is having to make.


A counsellor for him will also help you gauge how and when and how much to say.

Are you likely to stay in the area you have located to?

Do you have any family on your side that knew how difficult things were for you, are there any safe people in your life that could help during this time?

It is going to be hard emotionally when things slow down, hopefully by reaching out to other families around you who share your reasons for being there will help. You ironically have more support in place now than you did before.

I live in the UK, but I imagine it would be similar; if there is going to be some child access arrangement discussion with your ex then be prepared for the possibility of CPS being involved if they are not already. They would be looking at risks and the long term emotional well-being of the children were they to see their father. Have you discussed what you want regarding access with the DV worker, because ultimately you know what all the risks have been?

What you have been doing sounds good and proactive, your focus on the children, yours and their immediate and long term well-being is a great beginning point for you all.

It is really positive you are continuing to post and talk about the situation you are facing. You have been really brave in the face of a truly awful situation. ❤️

[Skip]

I'm sure you have been advised... .but I suggest putting a freeze on your credit reporting with all three agencies.

[Frankee]

I haven't done a freeze on my credit report.  I didn't know that was something that could be done.  I haven't used the credit cards since I left.  I got his name off my account and his off mine.  I haven't logged into my old Gmail account since he has access to it.

I met with my advocate yesterday.   We got a checklist going on things I want to get done.

I have been overwhelmed with how helpful and kind the workers here have been.  They've been giving me lots of clothes for the kids, toys, bathroom basics, coupon for free haircut, gift cards to buy school clothes at target, appointment at a boutique to get me dress clothes for future job interviews, rides to the store, I could go on. 

I left my home with a bookbag, diaper bag, and a handful of clothes.  I had no money, no idea how I was going to make it. I had left everything I had accumulated my entire life behind.  All the Christmas presents, all our clothes, toys... .It hurts to think of everything I left behind.  Wondering how I'm ever going to rebuild. 

Now I'm halfway across the country,  in great hands of women that actually care and want to help.  When I get back on my feet, I'm going to do what I can to give back.  Without these ladies helping me, I wouldn't be sitting here with my children, working on starting a new life, and away from a very abusive and dangerous situation.

[formflier]

I haven't done a freeze on my credit report.  I didn't know that was something that could be done.  

Please do this.  

Essentially it prevents or makes it harder to open new credit in your name.

The assumption is that your hubby has all your personal information and could "pretend" to be you and open credit, should he try to do so.

You are putting up a roadblock to prevent being defrauded.

I would discuss this with your advocate, I'm sure they can help and advise you.  

If you get any advice to the contrary (which would be shocking), please ask lots of questions to understand the reasoning.  Post about that here.  (very unlikely anyone in the DV world would resist such a suggestion).

   

Hang in there.  Small steps... day by day...

FF

[Skip]

I haven't done a freeze on my credit report.  I didn't know that was something that could be done. 

You can't operate on cash alone. The easiest way to track someone down is to pull credit reports.

Freezing access to your credit records prevents anyone from pulling them. There are 3 national credit agencies. There is no charge for this.

You can unfreeze them for a day or two when you apply for credit.

[Cat Familiar]

I know you've got tons of things to do, but I wanted to echo the idea of a freeze on your credit report.

Things may be different nowadays, but years ago, it wasn't possible to remove one of the names from a joint credit account; the only way to do that then was to close the account.

I didn't know that and I believed my ex when he told me that he had taken my name off the account. Instead, I found out later that he had charged tens of thousands of dollars to that card and I was responsible, because he wasn't going to pay it off.

So please double-check and make sure that you're protected from him using the card.

The freeze won't impact your use of a credit card; it will just prevent new accounts being opened in your name. However, if he still has access to that account, he could track your purchases and know where you are.

[Frankee]

I looked up how to freeze credit report and then provided 800 numbers.  There seems to be a small fee, but nothing too bad.

I have been going back and forth at how extreme I need to go.  Was thinking of a change in SS #, but they say it will wipe out everything, including past employment.  I need my employment history to help me get a good job here.  I am going to file for name changes though.

[formflier]

The credit freeze is a no brainer.

The other things you should gather lots of info on, post here.  And "wind the clock" on those, while you evaluate things.

Part of that evaluation will be what actually happens as a result of the arrest of your pwBPD.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I think a name change is a good way to cover your trail. And too, it will provide you with a new starting point where you feel like you're free of the past. It sounds like you've got a very good support system in place. 

[Frankee]

The staff here has been more than nice.  I called my friend who has helped me through all this.  Hearing her voice made me feel better, but made me cry.  She had to remind me that I was making the right choice and I deserved to be treated better than what he has.

He has said horrible things,  done horrible things. He is currently out of jail, I don't know if they have even tacked on domestic abuse or assault charges.  I'm afraid to look it up and see his mug shot.  Not seeing his face and only remembering in my head is one of the only reasons I haven't fallen apart.

I tried so hard.  I gave him pass after pass, excusing his behavior because of his past.  I'm done though.  The things he said and did were inexcusable.  There was never any reason for him to behave that way towards me.  I haven't even disclosed all the physical abuse he punished me with. 

I hate him for making me believe he was different than my ex, for showing me the love I have been searching for and then becoming the monster he claimed he wasn't.  Thinking that it was going to be better. . all lies.  He called me a habitual liar when he was the biggest one.  Telling me he loved me and then saying I deserved to be smacked around for whatever he considered a wrong doing.

I wish I could put a rush on a counselor,  I have serious issues I need to work through.  I feel like my mind is putting a mental block on everything because the pain and loss is too much.  The gravity of the situation still hasn't hit me yet. 

[Cat Familiar]

It's awful to be uprooted from the previous life you've lived. You're like a victim of a natural disaster, though he caused the disaster. It slowly built up, like a volcano rumbling underground, until it finally erupted and you had to flee for your life. It was good that you paid attention to the warning signs, so that you were able to safely get away.

There is a lot to grieve and seeing a counselor will definitely help you through this process. At the same time, there is a tremendous freedom to be found, where you are able to totally define yourself without someone trying to make you feel afraid and insecure. You've been given an opportunity to fully be exactly who you are and meet life on your own terms.

As you understand, you were not responsible for him treating you badly. You did everything you could to make it work. He didn't try. That's on him.

[Frankee]

I wish I felt better. Think they climate change is causing a cold or something to creep up.  My youngest got sick a couple nights ago.  

He sent more emails.  Claiming he sees what a monster he has become, promises to tell me the things he should of, spend his life making me happy and being the man I fell in love with.  I don't believe him.  He already gave me that spiel after he drove me to attempted suicide once.  He never changed or made an effort.  Got so bad after that, that I thought about killing myself again, only a few months ago, just to make it stop.

So, as much as the thought of leaving materialistic possession's behind, a good job, and a beach town, hurt... .Doesn't compare to the feeling of being free of such pain, anxiety, and feeling safe and really cared for in a long time.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

[snowglobe]

I wish I felt better. Think they climate change is causing a cold or something to creep up.  My youngest got sick a couple nights ago.  

He sent more emails.  Claiming he sees what a monster he has become, promises to tell me the things he should of, spend his life making me happy and being the man I fell in love with.  I don't believe him.  He already gave me that spiel after he drove me to attempted suicide once.  He never changed or made an effort.  Got so bad after that, that I thought about killing myself again, only a few months ago, just to make it stop.

So, as much as the thought of leaving materialistic possession's behind, a good job, and a beach town, hurt... .Doesn't compare to the feeling of being free of such pain, anxiety, and feeling safe and really cared for in a long time.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Dear Frankee,   I’m so glad that you are safe, with your children together. This is by all accounts a life changing moment for you, the one you will be reflecting on many years from now. Things in the past worked out the way they did, there isn’t any point of analyzing it. Other then to learn your own pattern of functioning. It’s never too early to start thinking about the future, I’m hoping you will heal yourself and find a strength to rebuild your life, making it safe, consistent for your children and emotionally fulfilling. I want to offer you a different perspective on all communication coming from your uBPDh. 

[formflier]

   He never changed or made an effort. 

So... .knowing this, your safest way forward is to wait until he actually does change and then... .and only then... consider the status of a relationship with him.

Actions... not promises.

FF

[Skip]

He sent more emails.  Claiming he sees what a monster he has become... .

How much does he know about where you are?

[formflier]

How much does he know about where you are?

And... .is the email system you are using one that does "read receipts" or anything like that?

I never got the idea that he was some super tech savvy guy... .but... .staying "off the grid" is valuable for you... .at least for a good long while.

FF