Counsellor encouraging us to break up?

[Chirimoya]

Has anyone experienced this? My partner of 8 years and I have been going to marriage counselling. We have been discussing whether to stay together or break up.  Basically my BPDh has lost interest in me sexually since I started setting boundaries with him about a year ago. Neither of us is fully sure what we want to do.  He's keener on breaking up and I'm keener on staying together and trying to make a go of things.  Our counsellor is pretty good  in general but in the last session I had the sense that he was encouraging us to break up. I have a sense that he is overinterpreting some of the things that my partner is saying. he does not seem to realise my partner's mercurial nature things that he changes his mind about the simplest things all the time, let alone a serious matter such as whether we should stay together or not. I am finding it really confusing to understand what exactly my partner wants to do, and how much of it is coming from him or being led by the counsellor. I guess that in fairness the counsellor has a difficult job because he is trying to intuit  what my partner is meaning which is quite difficult to do. Has anyone experienced something similar? I'm feeling extremely upset about the possible imminent break up and that upset is compounded by the confusion... .Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TurbanCowboy]

Has anyone experienced this? My partner of 8 years and I have been going to marriage counselling. We have been discussing whether to stay together or break up.  Basically my BPDh has lost interest in me sexually since I started setting boundaries with him about a year ago. Neither of us is fully sure what we want to do.  He's keener on breaking up and I'm keener on staying together and trying to make a go of things.  Our counsellor is pretty good  in general but in the last session I had the sense that he was encouraging us to break up. I have a sense that he is overinterpreting some of the things that my partner is saying. he does not seem to realise my partner's mercurial nature things that he changes his mind about the simplest things all the time, let alone a serious matter such as whether we should stay together or not. I am finding it really confusing to understand what exactly my partner wants to do, and how much of it is coming from him or being led by the counsellor. I guess that in fairness the counsellor has a difficult job because he is trying to intuit  what my partner is meaning which is quite difficult to do. Has anyone experienced something similar? I'm feeling extremely upset about the possible imminent break up and that upset is compounded by the confusion... .Thanks

I went 5 years ago and again a couple months ago and it was counterproductive. The therapist I believe needs to understand BPD and should probably be warned that you have suspicions or an actual diagnosis. My therapists were unqualified and weren’t ahead of time, 5 years ago I didn’t know about BPD.

My wife turned therapy into a finger pointing session with a lot of emotional rambling, misremembering, and flat out making things up on the fly. Feelings are facts with my wife which can make couples therapy very difficult.  How do you defend yourself when the facts aren’t being given and accusing your wife of not having her facts straight makes things worse?

My wife buried me in our last session and the therapist cornered me and said the marriage didn’t look good. The therapist validated everything my wife said, my wife literally said the therapist thinks it’s my fault because she only asked for me to come back. Total disaster.

You need to go to the right kind of therapist. Essential.

[Chirimoya]

Thanks for the reply! This guy is actually our fourth counselor and the best so far. I live in the UK and could not find someone who specialises in PD. However this guy is very experienced,and has worked with topics like abuse, addiction and within the penal system! So I figure he has encountered a PD or two. Hubby is undiagnosed. However he outed himself in the first session by announcing angrily "She thinks I've got borderline personality disorder! " Lol... .

I've experienced a lot of the cognitive distortions and false reporting that you describe. Previous counsellors fell for it hook line and sinker, but this guy does seem to see through those kind of shenanigans. But like I say, I feel like he's over interpreting my partner's assertions about leaving. And maybe in a sense encouraging my partner to leave? I think the counselor thinks he's doing me a favour as hubby is somewhat abusive and blaming. I don't know, it's all so confusing... .

[BeagleGirl]

Is it possible that the counselor is either calling your husband’s bluff or seeing the true state of the marriage more clearly than you are? 

[Sunfl0wer]

I’m not exactly sure how it has been phrased by the counselor that he wants you two to split, yet consider... .if W is saying she wants to break up, that it won’t work... .for him to proceed as though she does not really mean this would be extremely invalidating and likely a reason to get any reasonable or unreasonable person to feel like they are never going to trust that counselor.  

It is possible that taking W seriously is intentional.
It really does take one person to break the marriage, so why should her sabotaging efforts not be taken seriously?

I wonder if you can get a solo session to be able to speak one-one to the counselor?

[Chirimoya]

Thanks for the replies! Beaglegirl-thanks for your short but succinct comment.  Yes, i think the counsellor thinks he is seeing the true state of the relationship better than me ( not sure if he's right).  And this does have the side-effect of calling hubby's bluff. Which is something i had considered doing but was not brave enough to do as i wasn't ready to give up on the relationship.

Sunflower-I had not considered things from a validation/trust perspective. I see your point. no chance of a solo session as the counsellor doesn't do that... .

Hubby seems fairly set on splitting but i would not be massively surprised if he changes his mind.  He is going away for a couple of days from tomorrow to think about things.  Then we have a counseling session on Wed and then the counsellor's out of town for three weeks. ... .so it will be interesting to seer how things pan out in the near future! !

[Radcliff]

Chirimoya,

It's good to see you back, but I'm sorry to hear that you're in a tough and confusing time.  Please keep us posted on how things are going with you.

WW