learning to swim

[bluek9]

I'm back, after yesterday and having time to think, order books and digest the replies I received through here. Thank you Daddybear for the welcome. Yesterday was actually calm, no head spinning, no vulgarity. I do my best to take it as it comes and be happy for that one brief moment. When I lay in bed at night and I hear the silence of our house, the sadness comes crashing down around me. I feel so helpless that as the mom there is nothing I can do to take away the pain I know my daughter must be suffering. All my understanding and compassion falls so short of the mark. I watch her struggle through every day, I watch her struggle to love her own son. I want so much to hold her and tell her it can get better but, she does not allow me to touch her. Sometimes I wish I could hold a mirror up to her and have her see the beautiful person I gave birth to. I hope so much with all my heart that the new books I ordered will help me to find a way of interacting with her that will not be threatening to her. Does anyone know, has anyone tried and been successful at this better kind of interaction? As a mom I want so much for her to be able some day to actually feel and experience the love of a relationship with her own son. I will continue learning how to swim in the sea of mental illness, it is not an option to loose my daughter to this pain. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi bluek9,

The skills really do make a difference, though they are counter-intuitive and for them to work you have to take care of yourself. I found that my relationship with my significant other's adult daughter (20) improved tenfold when I began to practice skills. They don't cure BPD, and they won't make things "normal," but they can certainly make things better, and at the very least, prevent things from getting worse.

What are some of the books you ordered?

[Huat]

Hi Bluek9

I echo Livednlearned's words... ."you have to take of yourself"!  I have fallen into the "if-only-I-had-done" trap  over the years but gradually I have learned to be kinder to myself.   I did the best I could and when I knew better... .I did better... .and will continue to do so.  What more can be asked of a person?

I'm one of the older Moms posting on this forum.  Our daughter first ran away when she was 12.  She is now 51 and life for all of us has indeed been a roller-coaster ride... .periods of no contact... .custody battles... .broken relationships... .so much hurt so many times. 

We, too, have grandchildren... .now 25/27.   Indeed, it is so much harder when there are grandchildren.

You certainly have come to the right place to help you along on this difficult journey.  While none of us want to be here... .we are.  Comfort comes in being heard (validated) and also in stretching out a hand to help others.

So, Bluek9, welcoming you again... .glad you are with us.  No matter what... .takes work but rainbows can be found along the way.

Huat

[bluek9]

Hi Livenlearned and Huat, Haut thanks for the encouragement, I know hat rainbows are one of God's promises. I'm very happy to hear from a mother who has been around for awhile. My daughter and her son(6) live with me. Right now I'm I the process of getting guardianship of him. I know that my daughter loves him, I also know that she is in no position to provide him with the emotional stability he needs. We talk about this often, in that way I'm glad that she can recognize her self limit. Livenlearn one of the books I ordered is I hate you don't leave me, and two others that I can't recall right this minute. I'm so intrigued by your talk of skills. That's what I need. I am a drug and alcohol counselor and I do have communication skills, listening, reflective talk. They only go so far, I need something specific aimed directly at the BPD. I'm anxious to get the books, they come in two days. If you have something you could share with me I'd love to hear it and how it has worked for you. I find myself taking a new approach to myself -- my life before with the chaos and my life after learning how to live with BPD. Thanks bluek9

[livednlearned]

My two favorite books for skills are Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr and Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning.

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, if I remember correctly, is very good for taking care of yourself, and is maybe a little more oriented to couples? It's been a while since I read it.

Shari Manning's book is the one that really helped me. I also found I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms to be excellent, especially the part about asking validating questions. We have a link to some excerpts on the site that I'll try to find for you.

Another book that I found useful is the memoir Buddha and the Borderline written by a woman recovering from BPD. If I ever need a cup of compassion, that's the book I turn to.

You will already be at the head of class with your drugs & alcohol counseling skills and insight. With BPD, there is a specific skill called SET (support, empathy, truth) that manages to thread the needle of what can be confusing and competing BPD desires -- the fear of abandonment and the desire to individuate (and feel competent).

The other skill (sorry to kitchen sink you here  is learning about the Karpmann drama triangle. Instead of caretaking/rescuing/saving, we have to learn to coach, which is where validating questions can be particularly helpful.

I have learned many times over that all of the skills are dependent on my own self-care. I work to wake up with a full cup and then take measures to keep that cup full throughout the day, which is tough and some days I do better than others. Having that symbolic cup in my mind has helped me constantly monitor how much I have to give. I do best when it's full, and can manage when I'm at the halfway point. Anything below that and I am not much use to others, or else I have to ask others for help, which to my surprise can be something that good friends enjoy doing. 

 

LnL

[JustYouWait]

Hey, blue.

Basically, what livedandlearned said.

I have a different perspective because I'm a dad and not a mom, my DD is 19, I have no grandkids yet, but I'm still here for you, as are the rest of us.

Read the books, and then apply, apply, apply.  Not everything is going to work, and you'll have to constantly adjust your recipe to make YOUR particular brand of sauce that works FOR YOU.

You may not be great at every skill right out of the box, and you may throw some away, or you may just use some in certain situations and not others.  There is no correct answer, but the fact that you want to try is a huge first step.

Also, welcome.  You're not alone.