Invalidation by disordered sibling

[learnedtolive660]

So brother called me today and caught me off guard. I had blocked him but he used a friend's phone. I should have hung up but he used my mother wanting us to be nice to each other again since I listened.

He told me that my talk last year (yes, he went back to last year when I was trying to explain my FOO experience had made my mother so upset that she is now I'll from thinking about it. My guilt kicked in and I just listened.

Basically I am the family scapegoat and was abused and had a sad childhood and tried to gently explain this in softer words to my brother who told my mother that I felt I was abused. I should have known he would tell her.

The rest of my sisters and GC brother were not picked on and always tell me it never happened but it did! It still does! I have on cousin who remembers. Everyone else thinks I am a troublemaker, although I rarely talk about this to family.

Lately husband and I have been having holidays alone at home so now brother says Mom is berft because I keep her grandchildren from her. She has five more and ignores mine.

I feel guilty all the time and like a monster.

My husband was offered a great job in Masachusettes. We live in California with my FOO. We are moving in a few months.

I don't know if I should even give out my address to them.

Nothing feels worse than your abuse, of any kind, being denied by siblings that did not have that experience.

I am beginning to think I am the only one who has empathy in FOO. I have to let them go forever. I can't keep allowing brother and to a lesser degree my sisters, aunt's and certain cousins to keep acting as if I am the bad one in the family. I know I'm a good person, but with them, I feel badly. Without them I know I am a good person.

Thanks for listening to me.

[Turkish]

You must feel so isolated... .at least you have your cousin to validate you.  I can't imagine what it must be like to be the family scapegoat.  The silver lining is that you are more differentiated than they are,  and have the core strength to grow beyond them.  Still,  this is your family... .

Do they know about the move? If not,  I'd keep your address to yourself until they process that.  If they know,  what do they say?

[Mutt]

Hi learnedtolive660,

 

We have a pretty good article on emotional black mail or FOG, you’re experiencing Guilt in FOG. I’m the scapegoat of the family too and I completely understand how it is difficult to leave that role that family members have cast for me.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

To this day they still have pretty black and white thinking and and jump to conclusions - I get blamed for everything. They are who they are and likely won’t see the bigger picture and will be stuck on their roles. Turkish has a pretty good point usually it’s the scapegoat of the family becomes more aware of the dysfunction in FOO and can break out that role. They cast in the role but it doesn’t mean that I have assume it.

Living in different states is going to help, you could withhold your address for now and give it to the later self protection from your FOO is a good idea. It’ll give you the space that you need to heal from their wounds. Self protection or no contact minimal contact is a boundary and boundaries are malleable.