Fighting to keep my job, suggestions welcome

[RolandOfEld]

Hi all, a pattern with my uBPDw has emerged and it's putting my work in danger. Noting that my wife is stay at home mom right now to S4 and D2 and that she at best won't be going back to work until later in the year, if she can succeed in landing a job.

The pattern is this: I set a boundary and stick to it, she is in silent treatment mode for a few days, doesn't help with kids while I'm home, I try to validate her feelings but don't admit wrongdoing, she uses all means to seek my admittance of wrong-doing, calling my mobile phone, work phone, constant emails, threatening divorce, I continue to try and validate without admitting wrongdoing, she finally takes off in the morning before I can and leaves me with the kids and no choice but to take sudden leave, which I did too many times last year and got a warning.

I am the sole income, and its already barely enough without losing pay for days off.

Noting we don't have any relatives or friends here in her country to help out with kids in an emergency, so it's just me. My plan for now is to get most of her cash and credit cards while she sleeps and hide it so she can't leave for long, then just try and get up earlier than her and escape. But this is not a good long term strategy. 

I know it does no good to deny the reality of this problem - you can't get out of a well without admitting you're stuck in a well - but if anyone has been in similar situations and has advice for coping they would be very welcomed.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DaddyBear77]

Hi Roland,

First of all, this sounds horribly difficult. I am really sorry to hear that this is a pattern in your relationship.

One thing that immediate stands out to me in what you wrote is your plan to hide your wife’s belongings. This sounds like it has a high potential to escalate things beyond control. For example, when do you plan to return those items? What will stop your wife from withdrawing enough cash and hiding it where you can’t find it so she has it for next time? If the roles were reversed, how would you feel if you were in the middle of an emotional crisis and couldn’t find the means to escape?

It might be best to just focus on the kids and finding a plan that you can execute on your own that would allow you to arrive at work but still get the children to a safe place. In the US, we have many child care centers that allow “drop in” or “emergency care.” These centers are focused on exactly the kind of situation you face. Your primary method of care is your wife. If that falls through for whatever reason, perhaps a contract or arrangement with one of these centers is possible?

Another choice, and trust me I understand how drastic and difficult this choice is, but perhaps you can proactively find a different job that offers more flexibility and/or on-site child care?

How does any of this sound? Does it open up a few possibilities you might not have thought of before? Is there anything else you can think of?

[Jeffree]

Roland,

Geez, I lost two jobs in rapid succession after being at one job for 11 years due to this sort of thing.

Can you pay a nanny to fill in for emergencies?

My D21 works at a daycare center. Is there one of those at your disposal?

Perhaps if you can calm things down you can be more reliable at work.

J

[Mutt]

****cross posted with Jeffree****

Hi RolandOfEld,

I'd feel worried too if a family member was putting the rest of the family at risk of financial hardship.

I take it that she thinks that you're not being faithful? Have you told her that she's putting your job at risk? What's her response?

Does she want to go back to work earlier rather than later? Have you thought about having the kids in daycare while you both work? Do you have a daycare at your workplace? I'm not sure what country that you're in and I know that it's expensive but maybe you can get subsidy if you qualify to make it more affordable.

[Radcliff]

Hi Roland, I'm sorry to hear that you are in such a bind.  I'm sorry to say that I as well lost my last job in large part due to aggressive BPD behaviors by my wife.

First, given that you have bigger fish to fry (the child care issue), you need to just nail the communications problems without messing around.  I know first hand how those emotionally charged texts and phone calls can distract someone from their work.  There is no place for complicated emotional communications with your wife when you are at work. Period.  A "non" couple might be able to get into a medium-deep discussion at lunch hour, with the "I have to get back to work" limit respected.  But that's not us.  Communications at work along the lines of "Hey, honey, can you please pick up dinner on the way home?" are fine.  It is not selfish to focus on your work when you are at work.  It is your responsibility.  Boundaries are about defining what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for.  You are responsible for supporting your family.  You are not responsible for emotionally soothing her when you are at work.  You can gently explain the boundary to her, but then you need to be totally consistent in following through.  Any text above "hey can you pick up dinner," can get a reply like "I'm looking forward to talking with you about that; let's talk when we're face-to-face at home."  But my guess is that that won't work and you'll have to just ignore texts.  You may need to block her, or tell her that you'll be setting your phone down so you can concentrate on work (and then put your phone in your desk drawer and concentrate on work).  Calls are a little more complicated.  It can be very hard to get off the phone.  Hanging up is perceived as an escalation.  I would recommend not answering.  If you are far from having the boundaries I've suggested, you are going to need to withstand quite a heat blast in order to put them in place, but you must defend your ability to provide for your family.  How confident do you feel about enforcing these boundaries?

I agree with DB's caution about controlling behavior.  Hiding possessions like that is common abusive behavior.  I'm not saying you are an abuser, but you want to stay away from that dynamic, both in order to be as healthy as possible, but also in order to stay as pure as possible if your relationship and your behavior in it were ever examined by outsiders.  Another reason is that it is difficult to be 100% effective with tactics like that, as she will start trying to get around them.  A large amount of your energy could be diverted to making them effective, and energy of your wife to circumvent them.

I liked the emergency day care suggestion.  It may be expensive, but it's less expensive than losing a job.  And perhaps, just perhaps, that natural consequence of having to spend money to have someone else take care of your kids will be a disincentive for her to behave like that.  Clearly by staying home and covering for her, you are protecting her from the natural consequences of her actions -- it's a freebie for her, so why not continue? 

Also, let's take a look at getting up early.  You posed it as a burden that was wearing you down.  I agree even the fact of having to do that would weigh on me.  But is it pretty effective?  I've found that it's usually not too hard to get up before other folks.  Are there side benefits, like beating the traffic and showing up to work before everyone else, giving you an edge at work?  Rather than doing it only when you smell trouble, would making an early start part of your normal routine ease the stress on you and help you at work?  Perhaps a regular early start can break the pattern.  How are you doing with bedtime?  Does she keep you up late, or are you able to get to sleep at a good hour and stay asleep?

Finally, what are your thoughts on why she is leaving the house?  Does she not feel confident in caring for the kids?  Is she worn out?  A 2 year old and a 4 year old are a lot of work.  When our first two children were that age, I was working full time and in the middle of a part-time graduate school degree and my wife was pretty overwhelmed.  I get the sense that you are working much harder at home than I was able to, so I don't mean to push you towards working harder, but are there any changes that could be made to help her?  For example, maybe your "emergency" child care option is one that you exercise every couple of weeks for her benefit to give her some time off (even half a day would help).  It may be expensive, but then again, keeping everyone from being overwhelmed in a home with small kids like that is priceless.

Let us know your thoughts on all of this.

WW

[walkinthepark247]

I'm not saying you are an abuser, but you want to stay away from that dynamic, both in order to be as healthy as possible, but also in order to stay as pure as possible if your relationship and your behavior in it were ever examined by outsiders.  

I would reiterate what Wentworth said here. People in our delicate "situation" need to be very careful with this. Those with BPD are also able to twist actions so that they are the abused. Things were spiraling out of control for me a few months back. My wife became convinced and told others that I refused to let her leave and/or visit with her family. It was made out so that I was some sort of jealous overbearing crazy person. Think about it this way: would that potentially look strange or offensive to a court-appointed guardian ad litem for your kids in a custody dispute? Perhaps you are not at that point, but I began viewing many of my actions through this lens.

Also, keep in mind that many outsiders (courts, lawyers, therapists, primary care physicians, family, friends) have no real understanding of BPD. My wife was previously told by a therapist that she didn't have BPD merely because she didn't cut herself. That's it; she based that statement and decision on cutting alone (nevermind that she wasn't qualified to diagnose). The point is that others might construe this as abusive rather than protective behavior.

This reminds me of a story (I digress). My ex-girlfriend (many years ago) had a brother that was horribly injured in the Army. Shot in chest. He was on full disability and most certainly had PTSD. There was an incident with another neighbor. The police showed up and my friend's mother tried to calm the police down. She told them that her son suffered from PTSD. The cop got on the radio and said "I need backup now! this guy is high on PTSD!". I state this because so few in the legal system truly understand mental health issues.

[isilme]

#1 - you are the man - sadly this means that she will be more believed in any scenario involving the police or the court.  You need to lay some groundwork now, not to plan for a divorce, but to protect you and your kids.  Talk to an attorney or some sort of counselor.  Get your word logged in some way, your concerns, have some sort of record of your worries about your W's erratic behavior BEFORE she can haul off and accuse you of whatever strikes her current fancy to get her way.  It will take you 200% more effort to fight her crazy claims in the aftermath than to lay some solid groundwork now to show you are the solid partner, she has an issue.  Don't rely on anyone to see BPD - it's not something you can measure, it's not something you can easily test like blood alcohol - it can take months to finally see it, and part of BPD is hiding the crazy to those outside the family unit.  I would describe her actions, and not try to label them.

#2 - no talking at work.  Done.  This will result in some extinction bursts, but it needs to happen.

#3 - You are a single dad with the mom only being partly engaged in the r/s and her own kids - she uses them as a weapon.  I am sorry, this is part of why I don't have children - I knew even before BPD was a term for me that H, while he'd not go out of his way to hurt his children, could not commit fully to being a stable parent.  And I am just messed up enough by my parents to know I could make a real mess of any children. 

Anyway.  You have kids.  Thier mother is unreliable to the point she may as well not be there.  They are far too young to be latchkey kids (illegal most of the time these days it seems).  You need to plan for childcare as if she is not even an option.  If she was 100% gone, what options would you have?  Is there a church daycare nearby?  A trustworthy neighbor?  A daycare at your workplace?  I am not saying this is going to be easy, but it's what you need to do - you can't miss work for child care, you can't bring them to work I am assuming, and so you need a 3rd party of some sort.  I know this sucks, knowing you have an able-bodied human in your house, but she is not able-emotionally - in some ways, you may as well leave your kids with a soused drunkard for all the reliability you have to from your W. (sorry - my BPD mom was often doped out on RX barbituates and I was alone and unattended from an early age, taking care of HER)

#4 - don't take the cash/cards, but yes, if you need to limit her "allowance", then do so.  Cancel any cards you can.  Take her off some if you need to.  Giver her a cash allotment she has to budget - all in the name of saving money for the household.

#5 - plan, plan, plan.  Make plans for how to react when you are in a calm place.  What do you do if she does take off?  What if she takes the kids?  What if she drains your whole bank account and goes?  What if she files for divorce?  What if she calls the cops on you?  What if she has been working a quiet "victim" campaign so you will be the bad guy in ppl's eyes?  What if she comes to your work to have a fight? 

What about less intensive things - plan how to respond to common accusations/actions - post them here and we can all try to help. 

All in all - be aware that as the man you are going to have a harder time with any legal and criminal accusations.  Be aware that boundaries are about controlling what YOU will accept, not controlling HER.  Yes, if you don't answer the phone, it may seem like controlling her, but really, it's a boundary around you not accepting abuse over the phone.  See how that works?

[Radcliff]

Hi all, a pattern with my uBPDw has emerged and it's putting my work in danger. Noting that my wife is stay at home mom right now to S4 and D2 and that she at best won't be going back to work until later in the year, if she can succeed in landing a job.

The pattern is this: I set a boundary and stick to it, she is in silent treatment mode for a few days, doesn't help with kids while I'm home, I try to validate her feelings but don't admit wrongdoing, she uses all means to seek my admittance of wrong-doing, calling my mobile phone, work phone, constant emails, threatening divorce, I continue to try and validate without admitting wrongdoing, she finally takes off in the morning before I can and leaves me with the kids and no choice but to take sudden leave, which I did too many times last year and got a warning.

I am the sole income, and its already barely enough without losing pay for days off.

Noting we don't have any relatives or friends here in her country to help out with kids in an emergency, so it's just me. My plan for now is to get most of her cash and credit cards while she sleeps and hide it so she can't leave for long, then just try and get up earlier than her and escape. But this is not a good long term strategy. 

I know it does no good to deny the reality of this problem - you can't get out of a well without admitting you're stuck in a well - but if anyone has been in similar situations and has advice for coping they would be very welcomed.

Hi Roland, every once in a while I like to go back to the original post and make sure we're hitting your original concerns.  Here's what I see:

Major things affecting your job:
* Unrelenting phone calls and texts while you are at work
* Abandoning the kids for the day so you have to stay home from work

Other relationship issues:
* Silent treatment
* Divorce threats
* She doesn't help with the kids when you are home
* Endless conversations about what you've done wrong

I suggest you address the top two, the two affecting your job, first.  The divorce threats may come to nothing.  How much energy you put into preparing for the possibility of divorce is your decision, and depends on how serious you think the threats are.  At the very least, document any time that she leaves the kids and forces you to stay home from work.  That's a big deal.  If you have the energy, consider documenting all of the child care you do in a week's time.  You may actually find it validating.  You could document your child care efforts for a week every couple of months or so.  In your post I'm not seeing any red flags of abusive behavior that needs to be documented.  Let me know if I'm missing anything.

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Dear all, sorry I was home yesterday and not able to write but I did sneak a look at your replies and all I can say is they truly saved my life.

This was one of the worst ones. I refused to admit I was wrong, so in response she took almost all the money out of our shared account, took my house keys, took my phone charger, and doused my shoes in water making them unwearable.  If she went out, I could do nothing about it; if I snuck out to work, I had no housekeys and limited cash on me. Even if I wanted to get a temporary babysitter, I had no money to do so. She had me in total checkmate.

So I capitulated. Said I was totally wrong, apologized, bought her chocolate, did all the things she needs to calm down. Because I realized that there was nothing I could do until she calmed down. If it escalated, all the power was on her side.

And then I finally realized I couldn't control her, like a lot of you said in your advice. Sneaking out or stealing her money was no solution, it would only give her more to fight back at me with. I realized I had to change as a person, no longer be so trusting or naive. I had tried trust out of love, tried to believe in the end she still wouldn't do these things to me. I think to some degree I can trust her, but not her illness. When she's not dysregulating, she's an amazing mother. I still do love her.  But today I feel emotionally and physically beaten up.   

I read something in a book this week that now has incredible power for me: "It's fine to pray for rain, but dig a well while you're doing it." I finally radically accepted the truth of my situation and that only I can do something about it. There is NO ONE to help me or save me. I have to protect myself. I have to be open to the possibility that she may never get better (though I can keep praying), and that I may need to find someone else some day and that's OK.

So here are the steps I am taking now:

- Wiring some money from my home country bank account to a private account here for emergencies, especially if I need a nanny
- Finding some temporary nannies nearby online
- Making some copies of my keys as backups

Before reading all of your feedback I never considered a nanny because it's expensive and we are extremely nervous about trusting our children with strangers. But I'm no good to my kids without a stable job.

Thank you so much to everyone again.
 

[walkinthepark247]

"and doused my shoes in water making them unwearable"

This one gave me flashbacks. I'm wondering if others have experienced similar behavior. When my wife is dysregulating, she will throw my clothes onto the floor. She then sometimes walks on them. It's the silliest thing I have ever seen. She would make a big point of taking my coat off the rack and throwing it into the floor. It's such incredibly juvenile behavior (obviously). It's times like these that I have to remember that the BP has the emotional maturity level of a young child (especially when dysregulating).

[Tattered Heart]

This was one of the worst ones. I refused to admit I was wrong, so in response she took almost all the money out of our shared account, took my house keys, took my phone charger, and doused my shoes in water making them unwearable.  If she went out, I could do nothing about it; if I snuck out to work, I had no housekeys and limited cash on me. Even if I wanted to get a temporary babysitter, I had no money to do so. She had me in total checkmate.

Wow that was a pretty intense reaction she had. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I read something in a book this week that now has incredible power for me: "It's fine to pray for rain, but dig a well while you're doing it." I finally radically accepted the truth of my situation and that only I can do something about it. There is NO ONE to help me or save me. I have to protect myself. I have to be open to the possibility that she may never get better (though I can keep praying), and that I may need to find someone else some day and that's OK.

What great insight. Getting to this realization can be a true healing point for you. It opens up space for you to let her do what she is going to do while you continue going on about your life. (I think I might be speaking to myself today too).

So here are the steps I am taking now:

- Wiring some money from my home country bank account to a private account here for emergencies, especially if I need a nanny
- Finding some temporary nannies nearby online
- Making some copies of my keys as backups

-Buy an extra pair of cheap shoes just in case

Great plan! Excellent way to allow you to remain in control of what happens to you.

[Radcliff]

ROE, you've got it!  Nice to-do list.  I liked Tattered Heart's addition of extra shoes. You could even upgrade that with a "go" bag with an entire extra set of clothes, phone charger, and toiletries.  You can also hide spare cash and house keys in your car.

Being prepared can really help reduce stress.  She'll try to find any hidden stuff so hide it well.  It's a sense of relief and empowerment the first time you let yourself in with a spare key.  (And yes, I do see the sad absurdity of this statement, but still spare keys are handy).

I once found my socks bundled in a way different from the way I do, and then found a circular hole cleanly cut in the bottom of one of my socks.

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Thanks for the advice, all. Sounds like everyone shares the clothes issue. Yes my wife this weekend bundled my clothes into a garbage bag and threw them in the back room for some reason. She's also cut up my shirts on occasion. First time I've every viewed this situation as slightly humorous, so thanks for the sharing!

[Radcliff]

Yes, dark humor.  Let's call it "clothing insecurity," kind of like "food insecurity."  It wears on you.  The effects are cumulative.  Anything you can do to make your coping mechanisms like hidden clothes routine and less stressful helps.  I wish I'd figured out a way to develop boundaries around clothing theft.  But, as boundaries are about what we do, and what I really wanted to do was control her behavior and get her to stop stealing my clothes, I never figured out any good strategies besides hiding clothes.  Perhaps you should start wearing her clothes if she steals yours?  Somehow, I'm guessing that's not a satisfactory solution

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Haha no maybe not the best solution WW but certainly an amusing one.