Help with bounderies

[Shiny17]

I'm having trouble setting bounderies with my SO. Whenever I make an attempt to establish a boundary in some aspect of our relationship, she becomes very closed off and gets upset. Keep in mind both of these conversations happened on Skype. We don't live very close so we Skype for hours everyday.

The first time I noticed it was a strange one. She knows I'm very ticklish and enjoys tickling me when she finds the perfect chance. I'm quite ok with that since it's fun, but I don't enjoy it when I'm in a very relaxed mood or feel vulnerable (example, cuddling on the couch). At some point during a conversation ( I dont remember the exact context but it had something to do with cuddling) I said jokingly "Hah I bet that'd be the perfect opportunity for you to tickle me wouldn't it?", she responded, "I can take a hint, I get it you don't want to be tickled I wont do that anymore." I felt like my lighthearted comment had been turned around perceived as me scolding her. Immediately I reassured her that I like being tickled and that I was comfortable with it so long as I'm in a position where I'm not in danger or hurting her or knocking anything over (I convulse and have muscle spasms) and as long as we weren't cuddling or anything of the sort. I mentioned while I'm standing up as a good, safe time to do so. "Nevermind now I just feel like I'm going to hurt you I just won't touch you anymore" she says. "Really, its ok. I like being touched, I just wanted to point out a situation where it's not ok, everything else is fine unless I say otherwise." She responds "Ok but I don't think you understand... .I don't want to touch you anymore. Sorry oh well!" And silence follows. She's upset. Any attempt I make to reassure her seems to make it worse.

A similar incident followed today. She was in a mood because of another incident. Often when she's upset, she'll be silent for long periods of time (she gets upset when I try too hard to engage in conversations with her during moments like this). Occasionally when she's in a mood like that, she'll break the silence by making noises. Diaphragmatic "Aah" noises. High pitched squeals, exaggerated low sighs, etc. When she's done and I have no response she'll usually say something like "Am I bothering you?" or, sarcastically "Is this ok? Am I allowed to make noises?". If I chuckle she'll say "Great, I'm glad I'm entertaining you because I'm an idiot/I'm a child." Today she was mumbling "oh my god, oh my god" under her breath, progressively getting louder before suddenly belting it at the top of her lungs. It startling me and I calmly asked "Can you please lower your voice?". ":)id you just tell me to be quiet?" she says. "No I just asked you to not raise your voice please, you were being really loud there and it startled me. I'd really appreciate if you talked at a more comfortable volume" Without wasting a second after my last word she chimes in, "Ok I'll just shut up and stop talking to you now since that's what you want!" She mutes her mic. I ask her to unmute herself. "I just want to talk to you, please." Unmutes, ":)o what you want. I don't know why you keep trying to get me talk when I'm such an ass, God." I don't say anything, I need to calm down first. After a minute or so I say, " I just would really appreciate if you talked to me, but without raising your voice like that." She responds, "I want to be loud, you don't want to hear it, I muted myself, what's the problem". "When you have headaches, you ask me not to be loud, and I do so, right?". "So I'm selfish!", she says. She says it without a hint of sarcasm, as if she's just discovered something and it's upset her to find out.

I think you get the idea. How do I effectively establish, "This is ok/this is not" or "If x, this is acceptable/if y, this is not acceptable?" without her closing off completely? Any advice or insight on any of these situations would be appreciated.

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[Jessica84]

pwBPD think in black and white. No tickling (even sometimes) = no touching ever. Lower your voice = Ok, I won't talk at all. Or I'll mute the volume entirely. Boundaries aren't rules for other people to follow. They aren't about controlling anyone, they are about protecting yourself. They don't require explaining what is/isn't acceptable to you, they require action when you feel a line has been crossed. For every action, there is a reaction. She can learn what your boundaries are, eventually - if you are consistent. Until then, she will resort to what has always worked for her, upping the ante until she gets her way. So enforcing your boundaries is up to you.

Think to yourself, if she does X, I will do Y:
X=anything that violates your values (or sense of safety/well-being, etc)
Y=what you do to protect yourself from X (hang up, leave the room, etc)

If she gets loud, I will... .
If she gets louder or mutes me... .
If she tickles me lying down, I will... .

Figure out both what X and Y are for you in these equations, and in various other situations that come up. Some values will be more important to you (like cheating), so your boundaries may be more extreme. Others you can accept as annoying or childish, so less severe action is needed. 

[Shiny17]

pwBPD think in black and white. No tickling (even sometimes) = no touching ever. Lower your voice = Ok, I won't talk at all. Or I'll mute the volume entirely. Boundaries aren't rules for other people to follow. They aren't about controlling anyone, they are about protecting yourself. They don't require explaining what is/isn't acceptable to you, they require action when you feel a line has been crossed. For every action, there is a reaction. She can learn what your boundaries are, eventually - if you are consistent. Until then, she will resort to what has always worked for her, upping the ante until she gets her way. So enforcing your boundaries is up to you.

Think to yourself, if she does X, I will do Y:
X=anything that violates your values (or sense of safety/well-being, etc)
Y=what you do to protect yourself from X (hang up, leave the room, etc)

If she gets loud, I will... .
If she gets louder or mutes me... .
If she tickles me lying down, I will... .

Figure out both what X and Y are for you in these equations, and in various other situations that come up. Some values will be more important to you (like cheating), so your boundaries may be more extreme. Others you can accept as annoying or childish, so less severe action is needed. 

Thank you, that’s really helpful! It’s very easy to forget about this and get caught up trying to explain things in between. Would you suggest establishing what these actions will be ahead of time, or just doing them and letting her pick up on it? And do you have any suggestions on what actions might be appropriate? Specifically yelling and hurtful comments. I think I’ll just ignore the tickling thing since she doesn’t push physical boundaries besides that.

[Jessica84]

It helped me to establish them ahead of time. My pwBPD had predictable patterns so I knew the X-factors already. I just had to determine my Y's. I didn't tell him what I was doing. I just started doing them and he picked up on them. Some of the X stuff dissipated over time. But like a boomerang, it can resurface. Same boundaries apply, even if they aren't necessary for long periods of time.

Yelling and hurtful comments? Depends. Some hurtful comments I've learned to ignore. "I hate you" - this is a toddler screaming out in pain. I can see that without taking it personally. Other comments - if I can see any validity, I might apologize if it fits. If I pick up on his emotions behind the words, I validate and see if that cools the fire. If all else fails, I exit the situation quickly (leaving/hanging up). Same goes for yelling. I don't tell him "I won't tolerate... ." while I sit there tolerating it! That says there is no consequence. I have weak boundaries. Please keep abusing me.

So you have to decide what you are willing to accept, and what you are not. You know that gnawing sensation in your gut when you're suddenly uncomfortable? That's your first clue that something is edging up on your "line in the sand". Listen to that. Protect yourself before you cross your own line and enter the unfamiliar chaotic world of BPD. Don't go down that rabbit hole. It is easy to get lost down there!

[Shiny17]

It helped me to establish them ahead of time. My pwBPD had predictable patterns so I knew the X-factors already. I just had to determine my Y's. I didn't tell him what I was doing. I just started doing them and he picked up on them. Some of the X stuff dissipated over time. But like a boomerang, it can resurface. Same boundaries apply, even if they aren't necessary for long periods of time.

Yelling and hurtful comments? Depends. Some hurtful comments I've learned to ignore. "I hate you" - this is a toddler screaming out in pain. I can see that without taking it personally. Other comments - if I can see any validity, I might apologize if it fits. If I pick up on his emotions behind the words, I validate and see if that cools the fire. If all else fails, I exit the situation quickly (leaving/hanging up). Same goes for yelling. I don't tell him "I won't tolerate... ." while I sit there tolerating it! That says there is no consequence. I have weak boundaries. Please keep abusing me.

So you have to decide what you are willing to accept, and what you are not. You know that gnawing sensation in your gut when you're suddenly uncomfortable? That's your first clue that something is edging up on your "line in the sand". Listen to that. Protect yourself before you cross your own line and enter the unfamiliar chaotic world of BPD. Don't go down that rabbit hole. It is easy to get lost down there!

A lot of that hadn’t occurred to me I see! Right now I’ve decided the plan is that whenever she says something hurtful or is being hostile toward me, I’ll tell her I need to step away for a few minutes because I don’t like being treated that way, and I’ll be back in x amount of time. Hopefully after some time that yields some kind of result. I’m pretty patient honestly and can handle most of the things said a lot of the time, but this approach seems like it could be very helpful when it gets ridiculous.