Breakdown that caused a break through?

[lostandconfused6]

Knock on wood that this doesn't jinx it but here it goes

My BPDbf had a rough few days to say the least he was crying for no reason, having panic attacks, vomiting, and just in a bad place... .typically this would be taken out on me but this time was different he actually came to me for comfort and minus 1 little incident he didn't take it out on me and wasn't ugly to me... .he said i'm his rock and he doesn't know what he would do without me we tried to talk to through some things that could be causing this and he said a lot of it came from self realization and reflection... .he's sorry about all the things he has done to me and he feels he doesn't treat me as well as he should and it also hurts to realize that everyone else in his life doesn't have his best interest at heart and it hurts... .he's scared he's going to get hurt by me because of the things that have happened in the relationship that he has done and I reassured him that we can move forward his actions just need to match his words and he needs to think ahead before he does things... .he said he's always the one that loves and does the most in a relationship and since he's found me that hasn't been the case and it scares him that someone could love and care about him that much and he's so sorry for everything he put me through... .

of course this is all great to hear and I appreciate it but part of me is scared that in a few days or weeks it's all going to go back to how it was... .

he has had small little spurts of a breakdown in the past that lasted a day or so then everything went right back to how it was and he did nothing to help or fix the things that caused it,  and I brought that up to him and he said this time is different that it has never been this bad before, and he is so greatful to have me and he knows 99% of the stuff I have told him before was right but he wasn't ready to handle certain things so he didn't listen to me... .I told him it's not about me being right it's about giving you advice to try to help when I can not everything I say is right but I do try to be selfless with the advice I give... .and he said he took a lot of what I told him as being "mean" and he got it confused and it was actually honesty... .I told him the reason I am so adamant about finding a resolution to things and handling them as they come is to try to prevent them from getting worse or starting more unneeded drama... .

Any opinions on how I should proceed from here? or should I write this off and expect things to go back to how they were? I know I should be happy about this but I am also scared

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[valet]

Hey there lostandconfused, sounds like he was in a bad place for sure. It must have been nice to witness a moment of clarity from your boyfriend, but I can also see why you'd be scared that this is just a blip on the radar of good behavior.

If this is a pattern, you're going to have to learn how to manage yourself inside of the relationship knowing that this will happen from time to time and things aren't always going to be 'good'. You can't change your bf's behavior, and when you try to advise him he seems pretty invalidated. I can't say that I wouldn't be tempted to try make things right for both of you in your situation (through advice, or trying harder to do good for him), but this strategy isn't working. You'll have to find another way through.

A good place to start might be to clear some emotional space away for yourself somewhere, so that you can think clearly when confronted with conflicts like there. How's life outside of your relationship?

[lostandconfused6]

Hey there lostandconfused, sounds like he was in a bad place for sure. It must have been nice to witness a moment of clarity from your boyfriend, but I can also see why you'd be scared that this is just a blip on the radar of good behavior.

If this is a pattern, you're going to have to learn how to manage yourself inside of the relationship knowing that this will happen from time to time and things aren't always going to be 'good'. You can't change your bf's behavior, and when you try to advise him he seems pretty invalidated. I can't say that I wouldn't be tempted to try make things right for both of you in your situation (through advice, or trying harder to do good for him), but this strategy isn't working. You'll have to find another way through.

A good place to start might be to clear some emotional space away for yourself somewhere, so that you can think clearly when confronted with conflicts like there. How's life outside of your relationship?

There has been a small pattern of this but it has never been quite this serious before as far as the breakdowns go... .

Life outside of the relationship for him is awful... .bad family, not where he wants to be in life, and just the stress of simple day to day things

for me life is good stable job, 2 college degrees, good family, amazing son with the sweetest most kind personality, the only somewhat hard thing I have to deal with is the fact that I have MS

I am doing my best not to be "pushy" right now with things and see how they play out, so far so good this week still doing well with the things he was working on with regards to us (checking in more often, not snapping at me, and making more time for me) I don't want him to see this as him giving me an inch and me taking a mile or turning him into a doormat (that has always been 1 of his huge things because all of his exes did it to him) I'm going to see how things go the rest of the week and in the mean time try to figure out the best way to proceed with this and the things he has told me and "realized"... .I don't want to be like "ah ha you told me I was right about everything I told you now you better listen to me and i'm going to push more advice on you and take advantage" you know?

I am open to any advice on how to proceed from here assuming he at least 75% sticks to the stuff he told me

[valet]

Ah, ok.

So what are you looking for advice about? I'm struggling to gather it from your posts.

[lostandconfused6]

Ah, ok.

So what are you looking for advice about? I'm struggling to gather it from your posts.

i'm sorry I know I'm a rambler  I just have so much running through my head about this and very few people to talk to that can relate so it comes out all jumble when I do finally get it out... .

I guess what i'm looking for is how to proceed based on the things he come to a realization about? for example if he doesn't stick to something he said should I set a boundary? Or do I just let it play out and expect it not to last?

One of his huge things with me is being pushy about stuff that I want or think... .which in reality and to a non It isn't pushy but to him it is... .and also me not taking turning him into a doormat if he gives into me

my fear is that things will be going well and he is doing good but he still isn't making improvements in certain things or giving much effort to things that o have told him I want that he says he will make steps towards giving me and if I bring it up his reaction will be "see i'm trying to good and it doesn't matter at all" I don't want to downplay the things he is doing well but I also don't feel it should be an excuse not to do other things

[Jessica84]

It's great that he has some clarity. I would only caution to let him figure this out at his own pace. Changes he makes for himself will have a longer-lasting effect than changes he feels are being forced on him. Be prepared for backsliding. It's not a setback, its that change is scary and doing what is familiar can be a comfort. Stand back, try not to "help", be supportive when he needs.

[valet]

i'm sorry I know I'm a rambler  I just have so much running through my head about this and very few people to talk to that can relate so it comes out all jumble when I do finally get it out... .

I guess what i'm looking for is how to proceed based on the things he come to a realization about? for example if he doesn't stick to something he said should I set a boundary? Or do I just let it play out and expect it not to last?

One of his huge things with me is being pushy about stuff that I want or think... .which in reality and to a non It isn't pushy but to him it is... .and also me not taking turning him into a doormat if he gives into me

my fear is that things will be going well and he is doing good but he still isn't making improvements in certain things or giving much effort to things that o have told him I want that he says he will make steps towards giving me and if I bring it up his reaction will be "see i'm trying to good and it doesn't matter at all" I don't want to downplay the things he is doing well but I also don't feel it should be an excuse not to do other things

I can be a rambler too, so no worries. It sounds to me like you're a bit confused about what to expect from him and yourself. This happens quite a lot in these types of relationships, so you're not alone. And good news: for better or worse, there are ways of managing conflicts like the ones you may be part of.

For starters, it might be a wise choice to read a bit about what healthy relationships look like.

Relationships are not easy. People make mistakes and there are obstacles to overcome. The main point that things look more like what you'd read in the above article than anything else.

Remember, boundaries are for us. We make them to ensure our own physical and emotional well being. They are not about forcing someone to behave how we want them to. It's a good idea to set some boundaries in relationships. It's an even better idea to know what we want our boundaries to be. And that starts with knowing what we want.

So, what does a healthy relationship look like to you? How do you want to be treated, and how do you want yourself to treat others?