If you show your emotions in person will they understand you better?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I’ve been posting on so many discussions, but I was wondering are BPD more receptive to what you say if you say it to them in person than via text? Like if you show them your emotions in from of their face (like crying for ex) will that affect them? Will they understand you better

This post was split from the following thread Final Straw--I'm Done: Part 2, as it is a worthwhile topic for discussion in it's own right.

[savreina]

I’ve been posting on so many discussions, but I was wondering are BPD more receptive to what you say if you say it to them in person than via text? Like if you show them your emotions in from of their face (like crying for ex) will that affect them? Will they understand you better

This post was split from the following thread Final Straw--I'm Done: Part 2, as it is a worthwhile topic for discussion in it's own right.

[valet]

Good question, savreina.

I think it depends on the person. Some people appreciate in-person directness, while others find it easier or more effective to communicate via phone/text.

I don't think there's a general rule for a pwBPD, just as there wouldn't be for anyone else. As far as I'm concerned, we should do whatever works as long as we're not compromising our own beliefs.

What do you think?

[Mutt]

Hi savreina,



I’d just like to add to what valet said every pwBPD is a different person with different personality traits and different traits of the disorder. BPD is a spectrum disorder. Some non’s become a source of shame for the pwBPD and they can’t handle our emotions because it reminds them of how dysfunctional that they are.

What would you like to convey to your ex?

[In a bad way]

Mine didn't, she couldn't handle adult discussions or show of emotions. It was easier via text but then again most times a long meaningful text was usually met with OK or a complete change of subject.
I remember once I had been trying to talk to her for weeks but she would always say she is not talking about it now she will talk in the morning. Morning came and it was we will talk tonight and so on, never did get the talk.
She communicated with her own kids in the same house with text messages believe it or not.
Anyway I decided to send her a long message explaining everything as I thought that might get through to her, I was wrong it was no better than face to face.
I got a reply to that message hours later asking me what I was cooking for us to eat that night!
She wouldn't discuss or face reality.

[steelwork]

Mane people (including my ex) avoid difficult in-person conversations exactly because it's easier to ignore emotions over text/email/even phone. I never got an in-person conversation. It was promised, and then he was "busy" and then "scared" and then he just blew up at me and ghosted.

There's another word for it: cowardice.

[SlyQQ]

BPD often misread emotions, face to face is by far the most effective means of communication with anyone , especially BPD, but if you have neutral or even only slightly positive facial cues they will be misread as negative, turn up your happiness dial five notches, and you may have what approaches a normal conversation, good luck.

crying over one of your exes, by the by is like throwing a stick of tnt at someone with BPD

(regardless of how they may lament there own)

Also as Mutt pointed out depending where they currently are on the spectrum of things any face to face confrontation may be fraught with angst

[EdR]

Mane people (including my ex) avoid difficult in-person conversations exactly because it's easier to ignore emotions over text/email/even phone. I never got an in-person conversation. It was promised, and then he was "busy" and then "scared" and then he just blew up at me and ghosted.

There's another word for it: cowardice.

Replace 'he' with 'she' and it is an exact copy-past of my experience.

I just wanted to say this, because the user 'in a bad way' basically said the same thing as well. To me this feels like a core BPD issue.

[JNChell]

Texting was only effective in the aspect that I was able to say what I had to say without being interrupted. There was never really a response though. Serious conversations that were face to face were either met with her staring at the floor/out the window in total silence or it being turned around on me and then usually raging and running followed by silent treatment. She made me feel so irrelevant when I tried to express my concerns and feelings. It felt like I didn’t matter. I can now trace the affects of it on me back to my FOO. I had no voice in the relationship just like I had no voice as a child. If I tried to have a voice, there were consequences.

[Jeffree]

Texting was best for me. Like JNChell said, "I was able to say what I had to say without being interrupted."

In person she was so adept at deflecting anything I said back onto me and making me lose focus of my point or feel even worse than when I started. It was basically the equivalent of Trump calling any news outlet that has evidence to support negative information on him as Fake News. The media is left to say, "But this isn't fake news... .?" Then at a certain point they scratch their heads and wonder is this fake? Am I a fake? Is my whole life fake? If everyone believes this is fake, then is it? Is journalism dead? Does it mean anything? Oh, wait! Back to the original point... .

For instance, the day AFTER she called the cops on me for being a "passive-aggressive a$$h0le," she wanted me to help her get ready for a big presentation. She comes into my room and asks "Why haven't you been helping me? You know it's a big day for me."

I said, "You should have thought of that before calling the cops on me for no reason."

She says, "It wasn't no reason. I was feeling unsafe and wanted you to leave."

I say, "I come home from SS18's lacrosse game to you at my desk with a hammer in your hands, and you felt unsafe?"

"You told me to call the cops, so I did."

"Because that's what you were threatening me with. I did nothing wrong, and you had no right to try and intimidate me like that. I am not helping you now or ever again for that matter."

"Oh yeah? All right. That's how it is. Then I am going to ask for everything I can in the divorce. No more playing nice. You ain't seen nothing yet."

No ownership. No understanding of just how awful it was for me to have the cops brought into my home for no reason with the kids there.  No ability to admit that because the cops didn't kick me out of my home that she made herself look more of a raving lunatic and now there's a record of this with the cops. And instead she doubles down and makes new threats. It was one of the many very, very unpleasant episodes with her.

Texting... .about all she would say is she doesn't have time to read this novel and that she can't deal with this because she has to focus on her job, or shoot back an LOL after I caught her having an emotional affair at the very least. Whatever. At least I gathered my thoughts, expressed them cohesively, and jettisoned them at her.

That she needs to do her whirlybirding excuse making in her own head to not own it, when I know sure as sh1t it happened, is on her. All she has to do is drink her Tito's vodka at night and wake and bake in the morning to medicate herself for the day, and all is good in her 'hood.

J

[Maxpax2011]

Not for mine. I am a strong guy, but I wear my heart on my sleeve. One time the abuse got so bad I got so angry, yelled at her and started crying, she just looked at me with this blank stare like she couldn't understand why I was so upset. In the beginning she was more receptive about my emotions, but as time went on she seemed to care less and less, like she saw my emotions as a weakness. At the end she split me black and did not care what I had to say or how upset I was. It was like she turned into a heartless monster. I loved her daughter like my own child, and asked many times to see her after the break up, but she could care less. Before I went no contact she posted pics of her daughter with the new guy to show I was replaced. So it doesn't matter how much you cared, how much you loved, how much their kids loved you, Once it's the end, you are nothing to them. It was a shock, it hurt like Hell, still does. But your better off. They are damaged people that are unable to appreciate or even comprehend our love and compassion, unless they get therapy.

[Chippy]

Like has been said, it certainly varies from person to person, so this is just what I've experienced:

I have found talking to my pwBPD face to face tends to be the most effective, but like "In a bad way" said, she will go through great lengths to avoid that at times.

She refuses to talk about anything serious over the phone.

For us, text is just too easy to misinterpret tone, and the lack of other social cues, things can go off the rails pretty quickly.

A third alternative that I've found to be the most effective for us is actually using video chat. (facetime, skype, whatever).  With that she can see me, which I think helps her with object permanence, and while the visual cues are not as good as in person, but there are still some. I don't understand why this is easier for her then in person (possibly she feels less "trapped"?) but it seems to be.