I feel guilty attaching a cluster b pd to my ex girlfriend

[Carl1793]

Hi not sure where to start and feel a bit guilty possibly attaching a cluster b pd to my ex girlfriend (I’ll refer to her as TM here). After she split with me after 3.5 years August/September 2017 there has barely been half hour that the whole situation hasn’t been on my mind from waking to falling asleep.

I’m wondering... .

Is it a bad idea to contact someone to help? Is she ill? Is she just plain nasty? Did she ever feel anything in the relationship? Does she realise what she has done? Will she make life difficult? Will she calm down and make contact?

I feel low but getting any advice encouragement would be well received.

I can’t carry on thinking of her all my waking day. I’ve been through lots already but why is this so hard?

I guess my self esteem is shot!

There are so many more things I could say the list goes on but what do you think?

We have one thing in common where we will still see mutual friends every couple of months.

I know she will be selling her story to them but I’m not sure what to do there either.

[Skip]

After she split with me after 3.5 years August/September 2017 there has barely been half hour that the whole situation hasn’t been on my mind from waking to falling asleep.

Ouch! It sounds like you are ruminating. Have you seen a GP about getting anti-anxiety meds?

[Carl1793]

  xx - crossed - xx

Some background... .

I lost my wife in 2013. Our daughters at the time were 12 and 8. To complicate matters I had kidney failure and had started dialysis (I did this for a year till my transplant).

I had known TM loosely 20+ years always thought she was cool but with bad luck and also she very very attractive and friendly. Her single parent status kind of fitted with ours. She got in touch and offered her support when I felt vulnerable, lost and scared. We began to have days out as friends with our children. It was refreshing as I was in an awful place. She suggested a cinema night the two of us and we went. Romance not even on my mind.

Then she needed a new car and we then had more time just me and her. We became good friends. I guess after a few months it was apparent things would happen. I kind of feel now she orchestrated it.

My sister in law didn’t approve and we fell out. TM said it drew us closer. I had noticed she had complicated relationships with work colleagues. She was very often complaining about people. She talked about some of my close friends and family that they didn’t like her but I never took her on I stayed true to them. TM to me was kind and caring and had me at heart. I noticed the massive mood swings she had with her mum and son. There were always stress and emotions massive swings of mood. I knew when she wasn’t right but she always tried to hide it. She was never settled. She got me through my Transplant but shortly after tension crept into our relationship.

I was made to feel guilty about being upset about my wife. Any problems were laid at my door nothing ever her fault. Nothing with anyone ever was! Any arguments we had ended up being about subjects way off the original issue!

I Should have realised if she spoke bad of her family and friends what chance do I have?

[Harley Quinn]

What you're describing here sounds pretty typical of a BPD / traits behaviour, however we cannot diagnose here.  Only a professional can do that.  At the same time, people who find this site usually have good reason to.  It sounds like you've come to the right place.  I'd encourage you to check out others' posts and you'll see similarities to your own situation.  This should help you to feel less isolated with the feelings you have. 

As Skip mentioned, it does sound as though your mind is very preoccupied with her and you have lots of unanswered questions.  One article which helped me enormously when I arrived here was Surviving a Breakup with a BPD Partner.  You can find this and other helpful information to the right of the board and there is a link direct to it HERE.  Do you feel that the introduction describes the type of relationship the two of you had? 

This article may help to alleviate some of your questions about her thoughts and feelings, and more importantly will help you to take a look at your own.  I'd be interested to know if you feel any of the 10 beliefs apply to you right now.  This helped me so much to focus in on what I needed to work on in order to fully detach.  How did the r/s end?

Getting over a disordered r/s is tough and not a linear process, and this community is here to help you on this journey.  There are members here in all different stages of their recovery.  It does get better. 

Love and light x

 

[Carl1793]

Hi thanks for the replies.
Yes for sure the 10 points made in the link ring very true to my situation. I think the biggest thing to get my head around is that I’ve known her20+ years and she always seemed really really nice! It’s hard to switch off from that although I’ve read lots online and I know now it is not my fault. I’m coming round to those facts but can’t say it’ll come quickly! There is no way on this earth I would reconcile with her to be back in a relationship but friendly would be easier when we meet. But on the same hand I know that she is ‘polarised’ and will not be receptive. So it’s best just to ignore. I will say that over the past 2 weeks since reading so much online articles I have thought about her less however I do feel sorry for her despite her being a flawed and nasty character! I saw her inner soul and she is very sad and lost. I’ll work through it without the help of my GP hopefully. I’m pretty social so meet lots of people each week and my children are my world.
Thanks again
I’ll keep reading
Ah to add... .the relationship ended when I was late picking her up and she hit the roof. I was silent with herfor 2 days then she was nasty, brought the key to my house back, etc, etc. So I raised the stakes and did the same. I was angry. After we calmed down we texted each other in a better way. I said I didn’t want us to finish and I now realise this played into her hands and almost gave her licence to say all the horrible things to me when we met 1 week later. Oh yeah you guessed it... .it was all my fault. Everything!

What you're describing here sounds pretty typical of a BPD / traits behaviour, however we cannot diagnose here.  Only a professional can do that.  At the same time, people who find this site usually have good reason to.  It sounds like you've come to the right place.  I'd encourage you to check out others' posts and you'll see similarities to your own situation.  This should help you to feel less isolated with the feelings you have. 

As Skip mentioned, it does sound as though your mind is very preoccupied with her and you have lots of unanswered questions.  One article which helped me enormously when I arrived here was Surviving a Breakup with a BPD Partner.  You can find this and other helpful information to the right of the board and there is a link direct to it HERE.  Do you feel that the introduction describes the type of relationship the two of you had? 

This article may help to alleviate some of your questions about her thoughts and feelings, and more importantly will help you to take a look at your own.  I'd be interested to know if you feel any of the 10 beliefs apply to you right now.  This helped me so much to focus in on what I needed to work on in order to fully detach.  How did the r/s end?

Getting over a disordered r/s is tough and not a linear process, and this community is here to help you on this journey.  There are members here in all different stages of their recovery.  It does get better. 

Love and light x

 

[Harley Quinn]

I will say that over the past 2 weeks since reading so much online articles I have thought about her less however I do feel sorry for her despite her being a flawed and nasty character! I saw her inner soul and she is very sad and lost.

That's the really hard part.  We have all seen how sad and lost our ex partners are and it is instinctual in rescuer types (to which I hold my hand up  ) to want to help that person when we've seen that vulnerability.  Unfortunately, unless they are able to learn new coping skills and apply them consistently, that sad and lost individual is always going to hurt those closest to them.  It's a very tragic fact to have to accept.  Eventually, our own self preservation has to come first.  It's great to hear that you're socialising and connecting with others.  Kids are great at helping us to remain in the present too, aren't they? 

When it comes to fault, neither party is ever entirely to blame for the demise of a relationship.  As the saying goes, it takes two and a BPD r/s is no different in that respect in that we have to be in it for it to be a bad r/s.  So we do have a part in some form or another.  However you mustn't allow that to tip into self blame for everything.  It sounds like you knew she was projecting onto you with the accusations at the end.  Had you worried you were entirely at fault during the r/s?

Love and light x 

[Carl1793]

Yes of course I wasn’t perfect in the relationship at all no one ever is. But yes I did think I was the person she made me out to be. Even though when speaking to friends they would say I wasn’t. This made sense but it took a while to sink in. It’s just now unfortunate that she is the type of person that will not let go and will tell anyone who will listen her exaggerated story! I thinkn(if she hasn’t already) that when she gets new partner it would possibly settle down. It’s only our mutual friends I’m bothered about. Her friends I don’t care because they are not relevant to me and besides in 3 years I only met her ‘best friend’ perhaps 5 times. All her other many friends I never met!
Thanks for reply

That's the really hard part.  We have all seen how sad and lost our ex partners are and it is instinctual in rescuer types (to which I hold my hand up  ) to want to help that person when we've seen that vulnerability.  Unfortunately, unless they are able to learn new coping skills and apply them consistently, that sad and lost individual is always going to hurt those closest to them.  It's a very tragic fact to have to accept.  Eventually, our own self preservation has to come first.  It's great to hear that you're socialising and connecting with others.  Kids are great at helping us to remain in the present too, aren't they? 

When it comes to fault, neither party is ever entirely to blame for the demise of a relationship.  As the saying goes, it takes two and a BPD r/s is no different in that respect in that we have to be in it for it to be a bad r/s.  So we do have a part in some form or another.  However you mustn't allow that to tip into self blame for everything.  It sounds like you knew she was projecting onto you with the accusations at the end.  Had you worried you were entirely at fault during the r/s?

Love and light x 

[Harley Quinn]

It's very difficult to think that our reputation and others' opinions of us may be affected.  I'd be concerned too.  If you take a moment to think about the individuals who's opinion matters to you, do they know you well?  Well enough to know you better than to believe something that isn't true? 

I try to consider it like this.  If someone is willing to believe things about me that don't fit with my character as they know it, especially without giving me the benefit of the doubt and speaking to me about it, they aren't such a great friend.  Those who truly know you and have a lasting place in your life will remain with you.  You don't need to defend yourself from untruths.  Just remain consistent and be who you truly are.  The truth has a way of showing itself over the course of time.  People who choose to turn their back on me in my life are welcome to. 

Right now I'd encourage you to focus on giving yourself what you need to begin recovering.  Unfortunately after a disordered r/s, this sort of thing is par for the course.  Doesn't make it pleasant, but be thankful she isn't doing worse.  Don't let it take up room in your head if you can help it, or she is still affecting you.  You will come through this.  We can help.

Love and light x 

[JNChell]

Hi Carl1793. I will be completely honest with you and tell you that I was directed to your post by another poster. I’ll also be completely honest with you and tell you that it happened because the people here care about people like us. We’ve been hurt and abused by someone that we gave everything and more to. We gave them who we were. I believe that you, like me, found this site because we need to let the part ourselves that we gave away, go. We found this site because we need comfort and reassurance first. You’ll find that here. Secondly, we need to search ourselves to find out why we allow these things to happen to us. You listed some questions at the beginning of the thread. I’m going to take a stab at them.

1. Is it a bad idea to contact someone to help?
    Help who?

2. Is she ill?
    You’re asking that question for a reason. You found this site for a reason. What
     What does your gut tell you?

3. Is she just plain nasty?
    Reference #2.

4. Did she ever feel anything in the relationship?
    If she is what you think she is, yes, but on a very temporary and fear based
    level. Her feelings were centered on her fears. No empathy, no compassion, no
    remorse and no accountability. They can’t love like us.

5. Does she realize what she has done?
    No. In order to do that, she would have to possess what #4 described.

6. Will she make life difficult?
    It looks like she already has. You would not be here if she hadn’t already. This
    resonates with me. I allowed mine to come back. I pursued and begged her
    more than once. I almost didn’t make it out, more than once. She will most
    definitely make your life difficult. By saying that, please understand that you
    taking on that burden in no way proves your love for someone that cannot
    accept it.

7. Will she calm down and make contact?
    Most likely she will. But, maybe not. Lucky number 7 is a tell all of where you
    are right now. I’ve been there and there are many on this site, and many that
    aren’t that are where you are right now. We love them. Intensely. We’re
    confused. We’d compromise ourselves again for one more shot at being what
    they need us to be. In that process we lose ourselves and are never enough
    for the emotional black hole that we have given ourselves to.

Carl1793, I’d like to add question #8 to your list:

8. What steps can I take to begin to move past this, and is it possible that the
     reasons for me staying with a person that abused me reside inside of me?

It hurts. It’s confusing and maddening. The feelings are child like. Keep the community updated, Carl. Stay with us. We need your input like you need ours. Hang in there.

[Carl1793]

I got to say thanks again for the replies. It is helping I’m just working through things slowly. I do understand that the people that matter are all I should care about but as I’m pretty quiet I see it that others will make their mind up believing the bs as they know her better than me (ironically they don’t know her at all)
Those that do know me well know I have integrity and that I am who I am and that is comfort to me. Thank you for reinforcing that with me.
To the questions I asked that have been put back to me...
#1 I meant someone to help her. However I can only imagine the reaction. I 100% would never want reconciliation in a partner way I just have a misplaced loyalty in still wanting to care and help. I would like to see her settle with someone in the future even though that would hurt a bit! But don’t we all deserve happiness?
#2 yeah I guess she is ill?
#3 ‘illness’ makes her nasty as it’s black and white-love and pedestal vs hate her nastyness
#4 she did feel yes having read lots of material. I think I now realise it was her fear. She told me she was needy and difficult. I wanted and did care for her. That’s so sad for her. I was open and honest-but human-we can’t be perfect all the time! Having lost my wife it takes a lot to be with someone else least alone telling them you’re in love with them. She had me for life if she wanted.
#5 ok she may not realise but can’t she see she is the common denominator in her relationships? The quote... ’wherever you go, there you are’ or can people in this situation not recognise?
#6... yeah she has made life difficult and will continue to. The mutual thing I talk about is really my thing but she can viably still go. I did my begging for a week after the split in September and refused to after for my own self preservation. It’s only after it was suggested that she may have traits of a pd that I can think about closing the book on it all... .I’ve been 4 months in limbo wondering what hit me until 2 weeks ago, lots of googling and this site.
#7 to reiterate. I would never reconcile romantically. However I am guilty of at least wanting to be on friendly terms surely this is easier for both of us and respective children? I would also be her friend but that will not happen as she put it ‘for a while’. Presumably because I’m painted black until she chooses otherwise. By which time I may not want to help. I still feel I’m abandoning her saying that- that’s how much she got in my head! I’m like those horrible exes of hers!
#8 before I forget and something I would like to know... .Have I been emotionally abused? People who know me recognise I am emotionally strong. I have brought up 2 teenage girls for 5 years whilst conquering my own issues. I know I will become more positive as time goes on. I tell myself my health won’t be forever and I have always lived my life with the privilege given to me. I run 20+miles per week and have good friends inside and outside of work and a supportive family (my sister donated a kidney to me). Yes some days I’m mad, some sad for reasons of loss of a relationship that seemed so right. I look up to my children and they are my life. I would like to meet someone in future but like I’ve said it’s difficult to give yourself after loss. My wife wanted me to be happy and move on. So I guess the answers to number 8 are written here. I just need to find the strength to bring them to the front of my mind rather than my ex gf. I don’t want to go to the gp for help although I have no shame if that’s what happens.
Thanks again guys

[Gunit1]

  xx - crossed - xx

Some background... .

I lost my wife in 2013. Our daughters at the time were 12 and 8. To complicate matters I had kidney failure and had started dialysis (I did this for a year till my transplant).

I had known TM loosely 20+ years always thought she was cool but with bad luck and also she very very attractive and friendly. Her single parent status kind of fitted with ours. She got in touch and offered her support when I felt vulnerable, lost and scared. We began to have days out as friends with our children. It was refreshing as I was in an awful place. She suggested a cinema night the two of us and we went. Romance not even on my mind.

Then she needed a new car and we then had more time just me and her. We became good friends. I guess after a few months it was apparent things would happen. I kind of feel now she orchestrated it.

My sister in law didn’t approve and we fell out. TM said it drew us closer. I had noticed she had complicated relationships with work colleagues. She was very often complaining about people. She talked about some of my close friends and family that they didn’t like her but I never took her on I stayed true to them. TM to me was kind and caring and had me at heart. I noticed the massive mood swings she had with her mum and son. There were always stress and emotions massive swings of mood. I knew when she wasn’t right but she always tried to hide it. She was never settled. She got me through my Transplant but shortly after tension crept into our relationship.

I was made to feel guilty about being upset about my wife. Any problems were laid at my door nothing ever her fault. Nothing with anyone ever was! Any arguments we had ended up being about subjects way off the original issue!

I Should have realised if she spoke bad of her family and friends what chance do I have?

Wow women who had multiple affairs me being one of them, left me for another man but she also always has issues with work colleagues mainly other women, had 2 people sacked actually as they didn't get along with her! And always family dramas as well notbing is ever her fault though.

[Harley Quinn]

How are you doing at the moment Carl1793?

Love and light x

[Carl1793]

How are you doing at the moment Carl1793?

Love and light x

Hi again
I’m up and down. Not my best day I guess. I’m still looking at lots of articles online and have read one about ‘the nice guy/BPD gf relationship’ and how flawed it is due to incompatible traits in both of our personalities. I don’t hate her nor want to. In a month or so we will be together in a mutual group and she will have her son with her who obviously is firmly against me. For my own preservation I feel I should ignore both of them although this is the last thing I want to do. But I know if I speak I’ll be ignored or worse. Again I cant do or say anything as the reaction will be the same with both scenarios! Whatever it seems I’ll play into her hands.
I’m beginning to accept that the girl I fell in love with was not what she seemed or I perceived. I just want her to be happy-not with me but with someone then maybe she will leave my life and the mutual group too. Small steps for me though. Knowledge is power and I’ve always been a strong person. This is something else though.
Thanks

[Harley Quinn]

It certainly is.  Do you have supportive others in the same group who can keep you grounded?  It will no doubt be uncomfortable for you, as you say, but try to keep in mind the reasons why you are no longer together and how the differences you're aware of aren't likely to change without a great deal of acceptance and work on her part.  In a month you will be in a different place emotionally.  It's great that you still plan to go and participate in something that sounds like it is important to you.  Take one day at a time.  This isn't easy, but nothing worthwhile usually is.  Learning to put our own well being first is a life lesson that will travel with us and make a positive difference in all our relationships.

You mentioned the gp a couple of times.  Is this something you are thinking about being a worthwhile step to help you through?  Many of us have done just that and been given assistance.  I received counselling a couple of years ago and more recently medication which has helped a great deal.  There is no shame in seeking help when we need it.  It takes a strong person to know when they need that support and to reach out for it.  Just as you are reaching out here.

Love and light x

[JNChell]

Glad you decided to stick around Carl1793! I understand how friendships can become awkward after things like this. It seems like you’re handling it pretty well, though. I lost 2 very good friends due to my ex, but they made that choice. I knew them long before she came along. I was uncle “JNChell” to their children. They even mentioned me being their godfather. The wife and my ex hit it off after I started bringing her around, and she eventually sabotaged my friendship with them. To my knowledge my ex is with her a lot now. They took her at face value without ever hearing my side of things. Times like these can show us who is truly there for us. Heck, she even tried to cause trouble between my sister and I, and my cousin and I. They knew better, though. Hang in their, friend. Things will get better. Keep educating yourself and doing what you need to do for YOU.

[Carl1793]

Hi
In the group we are all just get along kind of people. It’s just the way she is vs the way I am she attracts more attention. I have toyed with the idea of staying away however the group is all to do with my Transplant so it’s something I should be involved with. I change my mind a lot should I go or not! I know like JNChell says she will be putting her own spin on things in an awful way because that’s how she described former people in her life to me. She tried to make trouble with people in my life and in laws too but I shrugged it off. Scary to read the reasons behind that too co-dependency. I would like her to know that I’m not the person I was in September who was devastated and wanted her back. I just think it would be easier to be on friendly terms at least.
I mention the gp yes. Through both my and my wife’s illness I saw a psychologist for around 18months. She obviously helped lots. I wouldn’t be where I am today with my kids doing so well if I hadn’t have seen her. I learnt mindfulness and other coping strategies to ground me and it was someone unconnected to talk to. However I never even through all that took medication. But this is weirdly different in the way it’s all on my mind (not that my late wife leaves my thoughts for a day). Do tablets stop you thinking of this stuff? I’m not an anxious person rather very relaxed and I’m ok in company talking about other things too. Is this because I’ve been emotionally abused or that I’m too sensitive? I just know I won’t have heard the last of it from her either through mutual friends or lies, I don’t know what she is capeable of. Her son hasn’t seen his dad for nearly 10 years but now I think she has caused it all despite what she told me. I look at the positives-we never really co habited or got married (she wanted both) so she has no claim to anything of mine. (I feel sad for those that have you read about) all she has of mine for now is a lot of my thinking time. I won’t let her win and will keep coming here for help.
Thanks again for replies

[Harley Quinn]

It sounds like you have a realistic expectation of how things might go in the group.
 My advice would be if you do go, to treat what unfolds with curiosity and allow it to wash over you rather than getting caught up in any emotion or story about what happens, if you are able.  Perhaps it would be kind to yourself to see how you feel on the day about whether you decide to attend or not.  

Upon speaking to my GP I was able to identify symptoms of depression which I'd struggled with before, and I was having PTSD symptoms so we agreed a trial of an SSRI.  I've since tried 3 others until I found what works best for me.  However even with the first one, I soon felt a sense of more ease and calm.  What I gained was perspective.  No, the thoughts don't disappear, however they are less dominating and I was more able to rationally work through them.  I too practise mindfulness and I found it easier to apply these techniques to what I was experiencing compared to when I felt swamped by everything my mind and body was trying to work through.  My mood was improved and this allowed me more clarity of mind.  :)epression can make things feel much more overwhelming and reduce our ability to make decisions effectively.  

As I said I'd always preferred self management and talking therapies.  My GP pointed out that I might actually get more out of the talking therapy with a mood stabiliser and I have to say she was right.  I'm getting a lot out of my counselling.
 There's never any harm in having a conversation to see what the doctor thinks.  I doubt they would prescribe something that isn't right for you.  If counselling is a better solution I'm all for that.  We need to do what is best for us at the end of the day.

Love and light x  

[Carl1793]

Hi again and thanks
I’ll keep the gp and options there open for now and continue to work through my feelings. I’m pleased you found them useful for yourself though that is good to hear.
I am going to see on the day about how I feel about going to the mutual group. As it’s been mentioned earlier in the thread I will hopefully be stronger in a month or so too. Is it possible she is continuing to be in the group to stay in my head? If the roles were reversed I would leave the group in her position as it’s more about my illness and life after? I’ve read that this can be the case? And on the same point even though she expresses great hate for me now I’ve read about how they suck you back in does anyone have experience of that?
I don’t know if this would help anyone else but when I’m having a bad day or days I tell myself that it’s only since I possibly found out about her possible cluster b that my relationship ended. So rather the time from September to January I was just in limbo with no focus as to what went wrong and blaming myself, I now see that I’m almost redeemed and around 5 weeks into knowing what happened if that makes sense. So I WILL be stronger.
Thanks again

[Speck]

Hey, Carl.

Just wanted you to know that I have read your entire thread and I can see that you are having your ups and your downs.  Post relationship ups and downs are perfectly normal but can be magnified when detaching from someone who suffers from BPD, as the requisite enmeshment that defines relationships with pwBPD can be difficult and tedious to emotionally untangle when everything goes BOOM.

Something you said earlier in your thread resonated with me, and I wanted to comment:

In a month or so we will be together in a mutual group and she will have her son with her who obviously is firmly against me. For my own preservation, I feel I should ignore both of them although this is the last thing I want to do.

Have you ever heard of the Gray Rock method?  Google gives us this:

The Gray Rock Method is a technique that is used to deal with the toxic behaviors of others. It is often recommended to people who want to reduce the amount of toxic behavior from the other person and also need to protect themselves from the psychological effects of the abusive behavior.

Anyway, perhaps you can look into this a little more in order to help you face and cope with dealing with your ex and her son at your pending mutual group meeting.  There's stuff about it on YouTube as well.

Keep writing, Carl.  You never know who you may help by doing so.  It may even be you. 


-Speck

[Carl1793]

Something you said earlier in your thread resonated with me, and I wanted to comment:

Have you ever heard of the Gray Rock method?  Google gives us this:

The Gray Rock Method is a technique that is used to deal with the toxic behaviors of others. It is often recommended to people who want to reduce the amount of toxic behavior from the other person and also need to protect themselves from the psychological effects of the abusive behavior.

Anyway, perhaps you can look into this a little more in order to help you face and cope with dealing with your ex and her son at your pending mutual group meeting.  There's stuff about it on YouTube as well.

Hi Speck and thanks for your comment
I hadn’t heard of the grey rock method at all no! I have had a look on the internet and it’s a helpful tool I will certainly try with her. I will keep reading more too. Did you find it helped with your situation? If so could I ask before you used it did you not know if your pwBPD would talk, ignore, look at you or acknowledge you at all? It’s a really strange thing with these people and the more you read online the more stories resonate too. I have been cut right out of her life blocked etc etc which is perfectly fine with me however it will just cause tension within the group which is all about being positive. I also wonder if she has other motives for going along in respect of making me feel damn awkward. And she wouldn’t turn up on her own it will always be with her son for an ally.
Thanks again for your post. I hope you’re doing ok too. And yes I’ll keep coming back

[Speck]

Hi, again, Carl.

I'm glad the Gray Rock Method is something that you now know about.

Did you find it helped with your situation?

Absolutely!

If so could I ask before you used it did you not know if your pwBPD would talk, ignore, look at you or acknowledge you at all?

It's funny you asked that.  About two weeks after my uBPDw abruptly walked out on me, our kid was performing in a Christmas cantata/choir thingy, and of course, I wanted to be there.  I knew that my uBPDw and her mother would be there, and although I didn't know how my uBPDw would react/behave around me, I did know how I would behave/react around them, and that was enough to calm me down prior to the event.

We even all had an opportunity to talk a bit before the performance began, and it went smoothly enough because I just stayed super neutral and became a Gray Rock.  It helps.

The whole point of the Gray Rock Method is to minimize toxic exchanges, and I hope that you can put the method into your toolbox and whip it out as necessary for self-preservation.

I hope you’re doing ok too.

Thanks for that.  I'm taking it day by day, learning all I can to create a better version of myself when I finally come to the other side of this tunnel.  Having handy tools in the Life Skill Toolbox helps.

Yes, stick around, Carl.  There are more tools laying around here somewhere... .


-Speck

[Carl1793]

It's funny you asked that.  About two weeks after my uBPDw abruptly walked out on me, our kid was performing in a Christmas cantata/choir thingy, and of course, I wanted to be there.  I knew that my uBPDw and her mother would be there, and although I didn't know how my uBPDw would react/behave around me, I did know how I would behave/react around them, and that was enough to calm me down prior to the event.

Thanks again Speck,
What you wrote at the end of that quote stood out to me in a big way... .I will know how I will be there-and I’ll be myself and if her or her son speak so will I. Otherwise I will be completely indifferent to her-no positive or negative attention-no drama!

[Speck]

I will know how I will be there-and I’ll be myself and if her or her son speak so will I. Otherwise I will be completely indifferent to her-no positive or negative attention-no drama!

That's exactly it, Carl.  Think the Gray Rock, Breathe the Gray Rock, Be the Gray Rock.

At your mutual group meeting, envision that all verbal and non-verbal communication from you should be interpreted as the epitome of chill, benign, and calm.  You can even put a small gray rock in your front pants pocket on the day to remind you... .

... .and then re-focus your energies on yourself and your meeting because, after all, it's about YOU and your transplant.

Let us know how it goes.


-Speck