Wanting to talk to other husbands of BPD's who have cheated on them

[shesgone5555]

Hi forum,

2 months ago, I tracked my BPD wife to her "girlfriend's" house, where she said she was going after a fight, and it was a guy from our gym who has been eyeing her for 3 years.  Now I think he's been actually ___ing her for 3 years.  My BPD wife is a much younger professional bikini model from Colombia.

She went back to Colombia, and we started talking again, because I'm in this hopeless codependent orbit of denial with her.   Then days later, I found she was already going to live with a new man.  He actually called me to tell me he was ___ing my wife every night, and "she's not your wife anymore".  We can't get divorced for a year, so she actually is still my wife.  Oh, and she's even still committing adultery with him!

But meanwhile, I have symptoms of PTSD, like a returning combat veteran.  Nightmares, jerking awake in the dead of night drenched in sweat, and/or screaming.   The depression comes in waves, but almost never lifts completely.

[Harley Quinn]

 

Welcome shesgone5555.  Sorry to hear what is happening for you.  I'm glad that you found us.  :)epression and PTSD are commonly associated with BPD breakups and it's good that you're aware of what is happening to you right now.  This gives you opportunity to act to help yourself.  Reaching out here is a positive step, as others will relate to what you're experiencing and can share their own ways of coping with you.  How long have you been married and is this the first time you've experienced this type of behaviour?  What other traits of BPD do you feel fit with your wife?

Losing someone we love is never easy, but to still be married whilst she is openly with someone else must be terribly painful for you.  The nightmares can be your mind's way of trying to process everything that is making no sense to you.  Have you spoken to a doctor or therapist about how you're doing?  With the prospect of a divorce on the horizon and the ongoing nature of what you're dealing with, investing in your own well being is going to be paramount so gathering a support network around you would be a wise move.  Tell us a little more of your story when you're ready, and read posts from others.  There is a lot of reliable information on the site, so in your own time have a good look at the articles to the right side of the page as a starting point.

We're here for you  

Love and light x  

[SWLSR]

I am sorry this is happened to you.  I am seven years out my separation.  I still have flashbacks though they are not as frequent nor are they as intense as they one were.   Much of what you are describing is not only what I experienced but it is what many on this site had to discover.  This is a good site for help but you may need professional help, I did as well as support groups.  I can say the life you knew before your marriage was destroyed will never return to you it was a sham anyway.  The pieces will come together with time and effort.     

[Mutt]

Hi shesgone5555,



Im sorry that you going through this. What s horrible experience to get calls from the other man and you’re not getting proper sleep. You mentioned the gym, do you work out?

I can relate with PTSD symptoms and depression. I found that the pain was the worst the first three months. I wonder if you have talked to an MD or GP about depression? She hid the fact that she was moving in with the other guy. I’m sorry that this happened. Does she talk about divorce proceedings?

[snowmonkey]

Hi Shesgone,

My experience thankfully did not involve my wife... .but we were certainly defacto husband and wife.

The only thing that I can say from my experience is that I didn't start to heal (indeed I just got worse) until I came to terms with the fact that our relationship was over and I entered NC. I thought if we had sex once in a while, perhaps every 3 or 4 days then there was hope for us. I was deluding myself and experiencing all the symptoms that you are talking about. For more than a year I suspected and later had confirmed that my BPDex was cheating in some form or another. Yet I tried to hold on to her, only to make myself more and more ill.

When I had finally sunk to the lowest depths imaginable, I somehow came to the realisation that it really was over. The next 6 months were (in my mind) like withdrawing from heroin or some other drug. I found life to be hellish and prayed that I would soon die in a car accident or have terminal cancer. The nightmares were very, very frequent and I often had to walk out of meetings at work if there was any sort of tension in the room.

I am sorry that you are in that place now where you need this woman so much, that nothing else in life seems to matter. But the good news is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. For me, that light came with NC, having the self respect to say NO, I will not tolerate this infidelity in my life any more and whole lot of work on myself.

Best of luck to you

[Jeffree]

shesgone,

That sure stinks. Yes, my first ex uBPD (dxBipolar) wound up having an affair with her boss. One day, unbeknownst to me she said she "couldn't live like this anymore," and that was it. I didn't know where that was coming from, nor what she was talking about. That was the last time I ever saw her aside from a couple of divorce proceedings.

It was so weird. 10 years together, 7 as spouses, gone.

In my first meeting with my divorce atty, he figured she was having an affair since around 80% of divorces are because of that. It wasn't long after that I stumbled upon proof of the affair. One of those elements of proof was a VM at the house from him to her where he had asked he when she would be leaving that "FN loser, Jeffree."

I had to get checked for STDs, not knowing how many others she had done this with. It wasn't a good deal.

If I were you, I'd block the phone numbers of these creeps who are harassing you. You deserve a break.

J

[reluctanthubs]

Dude I am actually going to see some specialized PTSD Counselors(I'm in the military).  I became a Christian a few months before we were married 17years ago.  I carried a porn issue into the marriage.  Not terrible but it was there but with religious counseling I was able to kick. That was the excuse my wife gave me for amost 10 years as to why she was always so jealous of my time and accusatory of me being with other women.  I am painfully loyal.

 I was emotionally abused for this entire time.  Made to think I was the bad Christian that wasn't doing right by her and God, and she was the mature better Christian.  Well about 9 months before our 10 year anniversary I was a bit depressed about a missed promotion and told me she had an affair with her exbf somewhere near year year 2.  Within a week she was demanding forgiveness and accusing me of an affair while I was overseas during the time she had her affair.

I am almost 8 years post Bombshell and sitll have episodes where I feel like a scared child or a raving blood thirsty lunatic.  I have adultery dreams if her doing it again, Dreams where I kill her and the other guy.  I almost contacted the other guy a few days ago because I want to make sure her story she told me is still true.  I'm mainly only here because of our children and fear her wrath if I decide to actually abandon her.  I'm a mess off and on. Currently I'm in a bad cycle.  Usually they get better, but there is not a day I don't think about it. About how my choice to stay or leave was stolen from me.  That she waited till we had 3 kids and rated to get half of my retirement.  And if I leave now I will be universally seen as the bad guy.

[crushedagain]

Really sorry to hear about that. The stories I read here are terrible. While I did not catch my BPDexgf cheating, if I was a gambling man I'd bet everything that she did. In hindsight, there are red flags. I always trusted her but I think I was a fool to do so. I can think back on a few scenarios where I'd bet if I'd followed her it would have been right to the ex-boyfriend's house.

The first few months post breakup were absolutely brutal for me, and I can only imagine what you're going through with the added stress of some psychopath telling you he's sleeping with your wife. You can't see it now, but you will truly be better off without somebody like her. She sounds awful to do such a thing to you.