Worried about the 6 year old daughter of a father with BPD

[Florinda]

I have had a not very long (and very intense, of course) romantic relationship with a man with BPD who has a  daughter who just turned 6 and spends 40% of her time with him.

I was surprised that he insisted to introduce me into her life "too soon",  but I –as it all felt so special– I went along with his decision: he was her parent after all.

Retrospectively, I think it was a bad decision because I think it is our collective responsibility as adults to keep children safe.

As it happened, the daughter and I bonded very fast and had a wonderful and blissful domestic time together when I stayed with them, during the school holiday and on all weekends when she was there. When she woke up in the morning she came into bed with us, and we all played together. On many mornings, however, it was only the two of us (the daughter and I) who would play as her father was still asleep.

The father is a bit of a hippy, and the two of them slept and hang around naked in the mornings. I wore a night gown and was more modest, but I never felt their being naked around each other was inappropriate.

On one occasion, however, I felt uncomfortable. It was when we were all in bed watching "Cindarella" and the father started touching my genitalia underneath the night gown, with the daughter lying next to us. I removed his hand.

I brushed this off my mind, and we continued being like the happiest of families for another 2 months. Until... .

He actually showed me his messages to a woman he had met on a dating site, and I was shocked to find that he had invited her for a date and to spend the night with him and his daughter the following week-end.

I was devastated on many levels, but the thought that he would invite a woman whom he had not even met to share time in what had been feeling like the scared "family space" we had created shook me to the core.

When I said this to him, he erupted in rage and shouted at me for hours. It was the first time I had witnessed such a full-blown rage, and I was too shaken to leave. It lasted 6 hours. Luckily his daughter was not there.

I have been withdrawing from his life, and I have had no contact for a month.

However, I know from a friend that he is seeing three women, two of whom all sharing the type of domesticity that he and I shared. I think that this is bound to have a negative impact on the child emotional development, but there is something that worried me even more.

On the day before the night on which we were watching Cinderella we went to a playground, and –as we were watching his daughter play– he told me that his "awful and crazy ex" (the mother of his daughter) had falsely accused him of molesting her. He told me that, as she was "crazy", nobody had believed her. I responded that that was awful, and empathised with his being her victim.

Thinking back to the day, I feel sick in the stomach for not having asked questions. etc... .

Did he really molest his daughter? Why would her mom make false accusations? Is she at risk of being molested now?

What can I do, apart from feeling sick in my stomach and worry?

[pearlsw]

Hi Florinda,

Welcome to the community here... .Like you I am cautious person and wary of a false accusation, however I can certainly see how your senses were being set off by this. As you describe it he does seem to have boundary issues around sexuality - not seeing what is not appropriate.

Not that I want to send you off on a chase, but I'm curious, do you know the girl's mother or how to reach her?  Do you know any more about her accusation? Do you think she made the accusations based upon the nudity?

Back in the day I might have thought the fact he is seeing so many adult women means his sexuality is adult focused but I simply can't say and neither can you so here we are a bit stuck and concerned.

What do you intend to do next? I will see about PM-ing you some resources to consider as you think this over.

take care, pearl.

[Mutt]

Hi Florinda,  

a man with BPD who has a  daughter who just turned 6 and spends 40% of her time with him

I have 50/50 with a woman with BPD traits she's not diagnosed. If something like that happened to my kids I would try to get full custody.

My question is why would the mother let him have 40% custody under those circumstances?

[Turkish]

There are red flags here for sure.  It sounds like your r/s is effectively over though,  yes?

It sounds like you're asking "what can you do."

My city has an anonymous CPS hotline. That might be one way to go. Contacting his ex,  as pearlsw suggested, is another way... .the downside of this might be you being drawn into the drama,  and you don't know how mentally healthy she is. 

Whatever the case, his behaviors are weird. The question is,  are they breaking the law and actionable? I used to have a friend who said her family used to walk around naked... .certainly odd from my point of view,  and over a decade later that she told me,  she thought it was weird on some level. 

I think it comes down to how much do you want to get involved in this,  and are you willing to take the consequences if you do?

I reported my ex-BIL about my daughter.  I did the right thing,  but there were consequences to me.  Our situation was more clear; my daughter told me.