Broken up, but can't let go or stop trying to get her back

[Robbland]

Hi
I've had been with my partner for 3 years and I guess as is typical with BPD relationships its been a hell of a roller coaster.
On the beginning she was incredible and as the relationship grew things became harder and harder and each time we split up to get her back I would have to make more and more compromises and concessions.
After the final split she shacked up with another guy after just 5 days and that broke my heart.
At the time we split I wanted to be out if the relationship but after about two weeks i  couldn't cope without her anymore.
I tried and tried to get her back and each time I think I get close something seems to happen which she gets mad about and I end up back in square one.
I've tried going nc but just can't make it stick.
I've been going out of  my mind for months now all I want is her back even though I know she probably isn't good for me I miss her and I miss everything she used to do.
I just don't know how to move on from this or whether she will eventually change her mind and come back to me.
I need some help to deal with this but don't even know where to start.
Help!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Robbland,

So sorry to hear you have such a hard time with NC. It is not easy to let someone go, even when  our brains recognize the various difficulties and sometimes impossibilities.

Are you in contact with her at all?

I hope others will join us here. The more details you provide, the more other community members who identify should be able to offer!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Robbland]

Thanks.

Yes I am in contact with her.
She usually calls or messages me daily even though she is with someone else. When she is with him, i get nothing, as soon as he isnt there she messages me, or calls me.
even though she says its over she still gets angry at me for things, and asks me to do things for her all the time - because im trying to be as nice as possible as I want to get back with her, I keep doing the things.
We were supposed to be moving into a new house together at the end of the month, and even though she has said its over and she isnt moving in she keeps sending me pictures of things she wants for the house!
Its a total mind job - I cant let go of her because I feel like there is a 1% chance, but she also seems unable to let go of me which is the bit i dont understand.
If she doesnt want me and is with someone else, why does she keep reaching out to me and asking me to do things or help her.
I know the new guy isnt much good for her and she does need me for things he cant do, but I also know thats not fair... .
im just stuck in a vicious circle.
Things seem to go well, she starts being nice to me, she gives me kisses at the end of messages, i feel like maybe there is hope, then she blows up about something usually a nothing thing, and we start from scratch all over again.
Its awful. :[-(

[juju2]

hi

Am sorry for what you are going thru.

Am in a similar situation, 10 yr relationship (r/s)
we separated march 2017, one month later i realized it was the biggest mistake of my life.  By then, he was very cool towards me, he didnt want to get back together, he said he had things to work on.  For the next 6 months we saw eachother, spent the nite, etc but it was not like before.  He was being guarded

in november we started couples counseling, it is helping.  I am reading divorce remedy, seeing where i was making things worse.  That book is about one person in the r/s making positive changes, and the r/s can change... .my pwBPD is seeing someone else, it really hurts, and the book talks about that situation too.
He said he wanted to go to counseling w me, so that we make sure we did everything possible.
During this time, i have worked on myself, lost 50 lbs, am taking 2 classes at the community college, am trying to surround myself w people who love and support me.  Be kind to yourself, there is lots of help on this board, lots to learn!
Hang in there, j

[seenbetterdays]

Robb,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I am in a somewhat similar situation as you with my ex-gf. Similar being that the episodes and angry outbursts are the same and at the beginning, it was truly amazing, but mine literally "ghosted". I have found the book "stop walking on eggshells" to be of great help to me. In the book it explains that we can't fix people, all we can do is offer support, advice, and guidance to them and hope they take it. It goes on to offer tips and advice on how to talk to someone with BP, recovery, and explains the issue in depth without needing a psychology degree to understand it all. It is perfectly natural to want someone back that you had such an intimate bond with, but what you can do is set personal boundaries and limits on what you will and will not do for someone. It is hard to get over losing someone, but it is much harder to get over losing one's self. Best of luck to you. B.

[RMJJ]

Hi Robbland,

It still amazes me to find out how many people go through similar experiences. I was with a BP for 10 yrs, 7 of which married. We have two sons.
The last half year that we were together were one long excrciating struggle. I could not live with how she was behaving and when my eyes were opened to what was really happenig (she had an affair) I lost it. I could not tolerate it. We went into councelling and she coolly stated that she wanted the freedom to do what she wanted. Logical in itself of course, but when I said that I could and would not live with an unfaithful wife she started crying and ran off. She had just moved out at the time. I was bewildered and utterly onfused and could not make sense of her actions and words. She said she loved me, but she would not come back. I allowed this to go on for a year and a half. We had to have contact because of the kids, but every time I saw her I had a huge struggle with my emotions. I thought I loved her very much and at the same time was very, very angry at her for what she had put me through.
After this year and a half I broke off all contact because I couldn't think of anything else to redce the pain.
I read some of Shari Schreiber's articles recently and found a lot of support there.
All the best to you Robbland and take care of yourself.
RMJJ

[Robbland]

its reassuring to hear people who know how it feels.
all my friends and family think i should be able to get over her and just move on as if it was just a normal breakup - plus they have seen the struggles, arguments, unreasonable demands, unreasonable behaviour etc... etc... she showed and cant understand why even now when she is with someone else I would give up everything to have her back.
I just wish i could move on, forget her and believe I will find someone just as good, but as you probably know, when its good with someone with BPD its incredible, can you get that in a relationship with someone who doesnt have it?

thanks :-)

[Robbland]

Also - i dont understand if she doesnt want to be with me why she keeps getting in touch?
She calls for no particular reason, or messages about unimportant things... .
Why bother?

[dumpsterdog]

I feel your pain... .i find some good advice on here ... so keep venting and listeneing, take it for waht its worth... .i find the best aspect of reading posts is that you start to realize that you are not alone, and tha many of these stories sounds exactly the same... for me... .the betrayal is the biggest hurt... .the fact that i put my trust in someone and really did everything in my power to make her happy, and then got thrown out like an empty pizza box for my efforts... .and it hurts to be dismantledd, devalued, ad discarded... .and to think that she either doesnt care , or worse did it on purpose just to be in control ,,and to be cruel... .

keep looking forward man... .everything from yesterday on ... is behind us... .except in our minds... .so focus forward. thats what im trying to do... .i think once i get my life moving forward, i will appreciate not having that 1000 lb wight around my neck.

[Radcliff]

Robbland,

I'm sorry that you're finding yourself in this painful situation, but am glad you have found us.  This is a great community to help you learn how to better cope with BPD relationships.  A couple of thoughts occur to me... .

You asked why she is asking you for all of these favors.  Clearly, she must feel good when you do them for her.  But what is the impact on you, and what are you showing her?  She is able to get these benefits from you without being in a relationship with you.  So what is her motivation for leaving her current situation when she can get the benefits already?

You might be able to get some inspiration from that juju2 is doing.  She is focusing on herself, on increasing how rewarding her life is outside the relationship.  She will win either way -- she may win her husband back by becoming more vibrant and attractive and not chasing him.  Simply investing in herself probably helps ease the pain of separation compared to if she was just pining away for him.  If she doesn't win him back, she will have developed a life that helps her weather the storm of the loss.

WW

[Alprofit]

What I did when me & my ex broke up was write down all the foul things she said & did to me during the relationship. That snapped me out of any and all longing for her reaaaal quick.

[Robbland]

I guess thats the most frustrating part of all of this.
I know the horrible things she has done and said, and even continues to do.
I know she is mostly just using me at the moment to get me to do things she doesnt want to do.
I know if I were to get back with her, I would practically have to sell my soul to her.
I know that being with her makes no sense at all.

Yet all I can think about is her, all I want is her - why cant I let go and override my heart with the logic from my brain?

I wish I could move on and not think about her every second of everyday, but everything in my life reminds me of her.

I dont think there is a fix for my problem, its not logical and doesnt make sense.
I'm seeing a councillor, but she doesnt really have much to say which doesnt help, she says im worth more, but its not about worth its about being with the person you love, and whether I love her or not I dont know - Im convinced I do, but I can also see this isnt healthy I just cant figure out how to become healthy.

[Radcliff]

Hi Robbland,

OK, tell us about what else you have going on in your life.  About your work, friends, activities, family.  What do you do for fun?  Basically, what fills your life besides here?  (Be patient with me, I'm going somewhere with this  )

WW

[Robbland]

Hi Robbland,

OK, tell us about what else you have going on in your life.  About your work, friends, activities, family.  What do you do for fun?  Basically, what fills your life besides here?  (Be patient with me, I'm going somewhere with this  )

WW

Unfortunately not a lot.
I work 9-5 which is pretty busy, but at the moment i'm seriously struggling to focus on it.
I dont have many friends - i pretty much had to drop them all to please her, or at least give her the time she demanded of me.
I cycle - I used to cycle lots, but again due to her demands on my time, I dont cycle as much as I used to, and i'm currently struggling for motivation.
I have just started rock climbing which i'm enjoying.
At the moment I struggle to do anything without thinking of the huge void she has left in my life - I know this is the I want her back board, but it feels more and more like she isnt going to come back as whenever we speak she says she cant face going back to our relationship the way it was and that she is moving on.

What also doesnt help is that i'm moving house at the end of the month, it was supposed to be our new family home, but now she isnt coming its just me and my daughter, and that feels like the biggest mountain in the world to overcome.

It was always our dream to have a fresh start in a new home, and now the thought of going there on my own, moving all the stuff on my own - including her stuff she has left behind because she doesnt have anywhere to live, just seems too hard to even begin to contemplate.

[Radcliff]

Robbland, your situation sounds tough all around.  It sound like there were a lot of dreams attached to that house move, and that has to be terribly difficult.

How old is your daughter?  Do you have full or partial custody of her?  Are there any things the two of you enjoy doing together?

I recently found myself in the middle of a massive relationship disruption, living alone as the only adult in our home with our two daughters.  There has been a lot of trauma for me around the situation, and I spent weeks in a pretty sorry state.  I received advice to fill the void with other activities early on, but honestly I was feeling down and had a hard time finding the energy.  Lately I have finally been able to follow the advice, ramping up on volunteering, adding a support group meeting, and thinking about taking on a couple of other activities.  It's kind of a chicken and egg thing.  You have to force yourself to do something when you don't really feel like it, and then you get a little energy from it, and maybe feel more like doing something the next time.  There will be setbacks, but keep at it.

Do you lead climb, or just top belay?  I enjoy a little bit of climbing, but have no desire to lead climb!  How about you?

Are there any fun things you could do with your daughter that you couldn't as easily do when the relationship was taking everything you had?

WW

[Robbland]

Robbland, your situation sounds tough all around.  It sound like there were a lot of dreams attached to that house move, and that has to be terribly difficult.

How old is your daughter?  Do you have full or partial custody of her?  Are there any things the two of you enjoy doing together?

I recently found myself in the middle of a massive relationship disruption, living alone as the only adult in our home with our two daughters.  There has been a lot of trauma for me around the situation, and I spent weeks in a pretty sorry state.  I received advice to fill the void with other activities early on, but honestly I was feeling down and had a hard time finding the energy.  Lately I have finally been able to follow the advice, ramping up on volunteering, adding a support group meeting, and thinking about taking on a couple of other activities.  It's kind of a chicken and egg thing.  You have to force yourself to do something when you don't really feel like it, and then you get a little energy from it, and maybe feel more like doing something the next time.  There will be setbacks, but keep at it.

Do you lead climb, or just top belay?  I enjoy a little bit of climbing, but have no desire to lead climb!  How about you?

Are there any fun things you could do with your daughter that you couldn't as easily do when the relationship was taking everything you had?

WW

I think thats the hardest bit - it always seemed like the new house would be a fresh start for us, and now i have to move there on my own and its devastating.
My daughter is nearly 8, I have partial custody of her - thursdays to sundays.
Historically i have always really enjoyed doing lots with her, recently its become really hard because of my general lack of desire or ability to function normally. I'm desperately trying to keep going for her, but its a struggle.
I am trying to fill the void, I hope that once I have moved, the additional stress around the house move will have gone and maybe that will be help me properly move on.
I keep speaking to her in the hope that she will change her mind, but she is currently occupied with her new man, and doesnt want to try with me anymore.

I dont belay at the moment, although im about to learn - where I climb they have auto belays which is good, and I have been starting a bit of bouldering too :-) Thats something I have only started in the last few weeks, and I have really enjoyed it and its ability to take my mind off life.

I guess im still addicted to the thought she might contact me or want me to do something so im always on standby which doesnt help as im always checking my phone - crazy i know.

I spoke to my councillor this week, and she things that I just crave her attention, whether its good bad or ugly - because at the moment she doesnt want me, but still wants me to do things for her, and even though its mental, when she asks me to do stuff i just say yes!

I wish i could break away from her and go NC, but as I was saying to my councillor that in my head will be me accepting its over, and I dont know I want to or am ready to do that?

[Radcliff]

Robbland,

None of what you are saying is crazy.  It all makes sense.  It can be ridiculously difficult to let go.  It's something to work towards.  It won't happen overnight.  You'll have setbacks.  It really is effective to start filling your life with other things.  Not a magic cure for sure, and results come slowly, but it does help.

I can definitely relate to feeling so low I can't muster the amount of energy my D12 deserves.  There were times when I knew I shouldn't be thinking about my wife, but I couldn't stop, and it'd just spiral and knock me out for half a day.  I found it to be overwhelming sometimes to have to be "perfect" in front of my daughter.  But... .that's the job.  I'm still climbing out of the abyss, but it's getting better.  I try to bunch any relationship fallout or processing into times when D12 is not around.  When she is present, I try to put away the computer and just be present for her.  Lately, when we've had those "moments" together where we're having fun like the old days, they're giving me energy and making me feel much better about my parenting.

Hey, so it's Thursday!  What kinds of things could you do with your daughter in the next few days?

WW

[Robbland]

Robbland,

None of what you are saying is crazy.  It all makes sense.  It can be ridiculously difficult to let go.  It's something to work towards.  It won't happen overnight.  You'll have setbacks.  It really is effective to start filling your life with other things.  Not a magic cure for sure, and results come slowly, but it does help.

I can definitely relate to feeling so low I can't muster the amount of energy my D12 deserves.  There were times when I knew I shouldn't be thinking about my wife, but I couldn't stop, and it'd just spiral and knock me out for half a day.  I found it to be overwhelming sometimes to have to be "perfect" in front of my daughter.  But... .that's the job.  I'm still climbing out of the abyss, but it's getting better.  I try to bunch any relationship fallout or processing into times when D12 is not around.  When she is present, I try to put away the computer and just be present for her.  Lately, when we've had those "moments" together where we're having fun like the old days, they're giving me energy and making me feel much better about my parenting.

Hey, so it's Thursday!  What kinds of things could you do with your daughter in the next few days?

WW

Thanks for the support man.
It's ironic that my worst days are the days I have my daughter because I know they are the days my exwBPD doesn't have hers and will be with her new man. Like a double hitter.

I'm gonna take my daughter climbing on Saturday and we have to start packing the house too.

I think the contact with me ex doesn't help either because it just keeps the emotions high but I haven't found the strength to go nc yet... .

Appreciate the replies they help massively

[Radcliff]

Have fun with the rock climbing!  I've done it with D12 several times, and it's fun to cheer them on!

Yes, NC is not practical in our situation because we have to collaborate on kids and finances, etc.  But you can tweak your contact.  For example, my wife asked me how I was doing by text just before I went into the store to go grocery shopping.  She was being nice, but I'm not ready for any sort of warm relationship with her.  We've had some trouble with text harrassment, so the buzzing phone triggers me.  Rather than text back, "OK" right away, I waited until after I'd finished shopping and gotten back to the car.  I texted "OK" and then put the phone on the passenger seat under the groceries so I wouldn't feel the phone buzzing in my pocket if she replied.  That's a bit of an extreme example, but my point is you can slow down your responses.  You can steer communications away from voice and text and towards e-mail.  You can answer texts with e-mails (perhaps with a polite text directing her to the e-mail).  I bet you can think of other ways to limit the communications that let you concentrate more on living your life and be reminded less about her.

What do you think?  For your situation, can you see ways you can limit the communication to get some space?  What might work for you?

WW

[juju2]

hi,

i read on here that us nons are the keepers of hope.

i know that i continue to have hope in the face of awful stuff.

and, the couples counseling has been helping.  The counselor found out we had no foundation of friendship (love bombed from the start, after the first 2 wks of our r/s, he was w me 24/7, which i loved, no one ever paid me that much attention and affection)

Anyway, the counselor has us just going for coffee once a wk, to find a way to communicate and have some kind of a new start, or at least see if we can even have a start.  I guess I have to be willing to go thru a lot of uncertainty, and it can be terrifying.
I went thru 3 months of not eating, sleeping, just barely existing.  The key for me, is this is a marathon, not a sprint.

as such, i have to retool my life, bec the way I had gotten was broken emotionally spiritually and physically.  That takes time to repair.  making myself do things that were restorative to my soul has helped so much: taking art and weight/strength training at the local comm college.  Being around new energy helps lift me up.
I guess what i am saying, is i have to rise above how i feel, make a logical choice that is self care, be my best self, be with loving people (not toxic, right now I cant take those people, am not strong enough)... .like i said though, it took me 3 months to come out of what really was like a coma.  Reading this board has been so inspirational to me.  i cant look beyond today.  just for me to do the next right thing and have no expectations. When my mind goes down a tunnel, i can remind myself, just do what's next, live for today, don't dwell on the past or future. 

Hang in there.  people care
j

[sladezy]

Hi,

I'm new to these boards and I must say this is very similar to what I've been putting myself through and I agree it is the worst but I understand the need / want of it to be all ok again. Yesterday I took a mental health day off work for myself. I laid about in bed and did some meditation in the morning, reflecting positive thoughts towards myself. I set a few simple goals like walking my dog, reading, setting up a cot for my daughter when she stays here and going for a ride. I never got time for the ride but I got the other 3 things done and I felt better for it. Today I was back at work but I made time to walk the dog again and read. Ofcourse I'd still love to have her back but I'm also realising that might not happen. Driving myself crazy was effecting my work life which I otherwise enjoy, the time with my kids and my own mental health. Take care of yourself and the rest will take care of itself hopefully.

Best of luck with everything.

[Robbland]

Hi,

I'm new to these boards and I must say this is very similar to what I've been putting myself through and I agree it is the worst but I understand the need / want of it to be all ok again. Yesterday I took a mental health day off work for myself. I laid about in bed and did some meditation in the morning, reflecting positive thoughts towards myself. I set a few simple goals like walking my dog, reading, setting up a cot for my daughter when she stays here and going for a ride. I never got time for the ride but I got the other 3 things done and I felt better for it. Today I was back at work but I made time to walk the dog again and read. Ofcourse I'd still love to have her back but I'm also realising that might not happen. Driving myself crazy was effecting my work life which I otherwise enjoy, the time with my kids and my own mental health. Take care of yourself and the rest will take care of itself hopefully.

Best of luck with everything.

Yes that sounds very similar to me.
I had a couple of months this where I couldn't bring myself to do anything which affected everything on my life.
I'm slowly crawling back but it's hard, and stupid things like her contacting me just set me back.
I do feel a bit more in control than I have been, but I'd love a distraction to keep me from thinking about her which is the worst.
Everyday I wake up she is the first thing I think about and I'd love that to stop, but I guess it's a time thing.

Talking to people helps a lot tho which is why I love this board so much

[RMJJ]

Hi,
I'm new to these boards too. The overwhelming desire to have your (ex-)BPDpartner back is a familiar feeling. Memories of the good times haunt me to this day.
Robbland, you wondered if a possible future g/f could be just as exciting as the mother of your daughter. I think you already know the answer to that. I seriously hope for you that she will be a lot less exciting.
You express the same doubts about the sanity of your desire to have her back that I felt. I want her, but I'm not at all sure it's healthy...
Wentworth is fighting hard to get his mind off his BPDpartner, and that is a good idea. The thought that helped me most was discovering that loving a BPD is like an addiction. That addiction almost destroyed me before I finally managed to break away.
You are not in this game (called life) for her, but for yourself. So: be strong! Think of your daughter! You really NEED to be there for her.
RMJJ

[Robbland]

Hi,
I'm new to these boards too. The overwhelming desire to have your (ex-)BPDpartner back is a familiar feeling. Memories of the good times haunt me to this day.
Robbland, you wondered if a possible future g/f could be just as exciting as the mother of your daughter. I think you already know the answer to that. I seriously hope for you that she will be a lot less exciting.
You express the same doubts about the sanity of your desire to have her back that I felt. I want her, but I'm not at all sure it's healthy...
Wentworth is fighting hard to get his mind off his BPDpartner, and that is a good idea. The thought that helped me most was discovering that loving a BPD is like an addiction. That addiction almost destroyed me before I finally managed to break away.
You are not in this game (called life) for her, but for yourself. So: be strong! Think of your daughter! You really NEED to be there for her.
RMJJ

Thanks for the reply.
Since I last posted things have gotten even worse, my exwBPD has got pregnant with the guy she was been with for only a few weeks, accidently.
My heart has been ripped out because it was something we had always dreamed if together and I know and she knows this is a huge problem for her.
She told me she prefers me to this other guy but obviously now it's a very complicated situation. She feels obliged to stay with this guy.
I know I should just run away and hide and yet I still find myself promising her to do whatever I have to, even raise someone else's child to be with her which I know logically to be just stupid and crazy.
Today I'm trying to move on, I'm trying to stop contact because it's too hard, her talking about her pregnancy is ripping the life out of me and killing my soul.
I know she will contact me when it suits her, my problem is I don't know how to turn her down.
I love her and want her to be ok, but I also know this is one that I should exit immediately.
I never thought it could get any worse and then it did.

[juju2]

My heart goes out to you R.

I have to take the best care of myself, the more challenging things get.  I don't want to take care, do self care, and it is the only thing that gives relief.  I had given up friends, activities, so, it was like re-creating who i am.  And all i still think about is him, are we going to work out, what does the future hold.  questions he says he doesnt know.
I get hopeful just to hear he doesnt know, for me that is better than, no, I've moved on.  My friend says to notice actions, trends.which is what i am trying to do.  Do not get fixated on words, or a text.
It helps me to keep a journal so I can see what happened, something is happening, the counselors appts, we talk for 45 min after; the coffee meet ups, noticing if he is getting closer to me, he went from sitting away from me, to now always sitting very close to me.  It is baby steps i find w my dxpwBPD.  I have to calm myself because to me, he is out of control, seeing someone else... .well, we aren't living together, so he says he is free... .the other side of that, things can change... .

I just mostly try each day to be good to myself.
I stay on here, this place helps me.  Also, some days are better than others... .tomorrow could be a much better day... .
Take good care, j

[Robbland]

My heart goes out to you R.

I have to take the best care of myself, the more challenging things get.  I don't want to take care, do self care, and it is the only thing that gives relief.  I had given up friends, activities, so, it was like re-creating who i am.  And all i still think about is him, are we going to work out, what does the future hold.  questions he says he doesnt know.
I get hopeful just to hear he doesnt know, for me that is better than, no, I've moved on.  My friend says to notice actions, trends.which is what i am trying to do.  Do not get fixated on words, or a text.
It helps me to keep a journal so I can see what happened, something is happening, the counselors appts, we talk for 45 min after; the coffee meet ups, noticing if he is getting closer to me, he went from sitting away from me, to now always sitting very close to me.  It is baby steps i find w my dxpwBPD.  I have to calm myself because to me, he is out of control, seeing someone else... .well, we aren't living together, so he says he is free... .the other side of that, things can change... .

I just mostly try each day to be good to myself.
I stay on here, this place helps me.  Also, some days are better than others... .tomorrow could be a much better day... .
Take good care, j

This board is like group therapy to me and it helps.
I do focus on the details, the x's i get at the end of messages sometimes, when she bothers to message me good night.
I'm trying to pull away, but its so hard.
Stupid things affect me a lot - last night she was messaging me, then she just went quiet - she might have just gone to sleep who knows but your mind races. I sent a few messages and no reply, then this morning halfway through the morning she messaged me asking me if I was ok and saying she couldnt call me earlier because she was with someone with a sad face.
All i focus on is the sad face which in my head means she cares or feels bad, but i know its ridiculous to focus on such small meaningless details, but its so easy to get sucked in.
I know exactly how you feel - i prefer a I dont know to a outright no, even though an outright no is probably better for me.
The fact she said she prefers me to this other guy was almost a positive even though she is with him, and yet it doesnt really help or matter as she is with him, and in her new situation she is going to ruin her life staying with someone she doesnt love just because she is pregnant.

Im trying to step away, but its so so hard.
I just want someone to replace her so I can move on - as crazy as it sounds it would just fill the void and break the addiction.

thanks for all the replies.
x

[RMJJ]

Wow, she is pregnant... Maybe she'll miscarry. My BPD did. Twice, from different guys. Take it one day at a time Robbland and try not to let her drive you crazy. Think of your own (mental) health. Be strong for YOUR daughter and get a hold of yourself. You need to survive.
All the best,
RMJJ

[Radcliff]

Robbland,

Wow, she's pregnant, that is indeed a complication.  You're just lucky, I guess

The pregnancy raises the stakes, but it doesn't change the fundamentals of the situation.  You are still hopelessly emotionally entangled with her.  As you know, your level of commitment to her is far higher than her level of commitment to you.

One of the things that helps pwBPD grow is to be exposed to the natural consequences of their actions.  She left you.  A natural consequence of that would be that she no longer has access to your love and affection.  If she can leave you, and still have your devotion, she can do anything she wants to you.  She's not evil, she's immature and has no consequences to help her grow.  Can you see that in a way you might say that depriving her of this growth opportunity is not the best thing for her?  That you are hurting instead of helping?  The beautiful thing is that if you "help" her by letting her experience the natural consequences of her actions, you are also being healthier for yourself.  Because giving love and devotion to someone who doesn't return it is invalidating in a major way.  It makes us feel like cr*p!

I can't see any way around this other than limiting contact.  If you want to forget about her, limit contact.  If you want her back, you need to establish yourself as a valuable person who needs a commitment in order to be involved, so limit contact and for Pete's sake avoid any promises or commitments until her level of commitment justifies it.

What do you think?  Does this sound like a reasonable assessment to you?  Am I off base, or missing some aspects of this?  Would you like some advice on how to limit contact to get some emotional distance?  If so, let us know what methods of contact are currently active (text, voice phone, e-mail, etc.) and how often for each.

WW

[CryWolf]

One of the things that helps pwBPD grow is to be exposed to the natural consequences of their actions.  She left you.  A natural consequence of that would be that she no longer has access to your love and affection.  If she can leave you, and still have your devotion, she can do anything she wants to you.  She's not evil, she's immature and has no consequences to help her grow.  Can you see that in a way you might say that depriving her of this growth opportunity is not the best thing for her?  That you are hurting instead of helping?  The beautiful thing is that if you "help" her by letting her experience the natural consequences of her actions, you are also being healthier for yourself.  Because giving love and devotion to someone who doesn't return it is invalidating in a major way.  It makes us feel like cr*p!

I can't see any way around this other than limiting contact.  If you want to forget about her, limit contact.  If you want her back, you need to establish yourself as a valuable person who needs a commitment in order to be involved, so limit contact and for Pete's sake avoid any promises or commitments until her level of commitment justifies it.

WW

Great advice, Wentworth.

[Robbland]

Robbland,

Wow, she's pregnant, that is indeed a complication.  You're just lucky, I guess

The pregnancy raises the stakes, but it doesn't change the fundamentals of the situation.  You are still hopelessly emotionally entangled with her.  As you know, your level of commitment to her is far higher than her level of commitment to you.

One of the things that helps pwBPD grow is to be exposed to the natural consequences of their actions.  She left you.  A natural consequence of that would be that she no longer has access to your love and affection.  If she can leave you, and still have your devotion, she can do anything she wants to you.  She's not evil, she's immature and has no consequences to help her grow.  Can you see that in a way you might say that depriving her of this growth opportunity is not the best thing for her?  That you are hurting instead of helping?  The beautiful thing is that if you "help" her by letting her experience the natural consequences of her actions, you are also being healthier for yourself.  Because giving love and devotion to someone who doesn't return it is invalidating in a major way.  It makes us feel like cr*p!

I can't see any way around this other than limiting contact.  If you want to forget about her, limit contact.  If you want her back, you need to establish yourself as a valuable person who needs a commitment in order to be involved, so limit contact and for Pete's sake avoid any promises or commitments until her level of commitment justifies it.

What do you think?  Does this sound like a reasonable assessment to you?  Am I off base, or missing some aspects of this?  Would you like some advice on how to limit contact to get some emotional distance?  If so, let us know what methods of contact are currently active (text, voice phone, e-mail, etc.) and how often for each.

WW

I do completely hear what you are saying.
I know I'm blinded by her a lot, but in her I also see a vulnerable person who wants to be loved the way she dreams of, albeit probably not realistic.
I don't know what the future holds, she has time and again told me we don't have a future but she maintains contact with me when she doesn't need to.
I could cut off contact with her, and I hear what you are saying about helping her to see the consequences of her actions, but if you knew her you would know that simply being pregnant right now she is very aware because it changes her whole life plan, and even if she wanted me to look after her it wouldn't fix the things she will no longer be able to do.
I keep in touch via text messages and she calls me sometimes too. She also come over when she has nothing better to do.
Yesterday she just turned up out the blue to just hang out.
Its clear she isn't well because I think most would acknowledge that's not normal when she has another guy.
She also talks about the house I'm moving into which was supposed to be our family home like she is still moving with me in a few weeks. I have no idea whether she thinks she still is in her head.
Cutting contact would help in some areas but in others I think it would leave her more vulnerable and yes by her own making probably but I'm not one for watching someone in need and doing nothing  so it's a stuck in the middle situation in a way... .

Thanks