Sudden break up and devaluation

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everybody, I´ve recently living a breakup with a girl I suspect may have some traits of BPD. After the breakup, which was so unexpected and surreal, I started looking for some info about how can a person change her feelings suddenly, and also the way she act and all this kind of things. I ended up hearing about BPD an well, here I´m.
There I go with my story:
I´ve been with a girl for a bit more than a year. During this time, everything was perfect, the idealization moment. She was all the time saying that she loved me more than anything, that she wouldn´t be able to live without me, wanting to be by my side all the time…all this kind of things you have heard so many times for sure.
Then, suddenly, one day, se wrote me because she didn´t got a good mark in an exam (she´s preparing her final medicine exam) and she wanted me to cheer her up.
At this moment I wasn´t able to answer her, and when I did, an hour after that, she wasn´t answering me.
She knew that I dind´t have the phone on me then. When she finally answered me, she said that I had failed her, that I wasn´t there when she needed me…and all this kind of things. I found it weird, because I have helped her a lot during all this period, and she was always talking about it and thanking me.
Then, we met a couple days after, and she said that she didn´t know if our relationship was going anywhere, cause she got angry and she didn´t felt like fixing it. Then, after talking about she being stressed, and all of this, she asked me to forgive her and to stay with her.
I was a bit shocked, but I thought it could have been because of the stress.
But during all this week long she wasn´t the same. She didn´t want to meet with me, and before that, she was always looking for a moment to have a coffe, or go for a walk or whatever. She was criticising everything I was doing…and finally se borke up before this week ended.
Two days before breaking up, she asked me for some money that she spent on our holidays (a month before) because she invited me to the hotel, as we went to a place I didn´t really want to, because she said me that she always wanted to go there, that this could help her with her studies…and I drove, we went there in my car, I payed for the gas and some other stuff. The thing is that she asked me this money because she wanted to go back to the psychologist, to help her with the stress.
Of course I didn´t mention that if you invite somebody yo shouldn´t ask for it later. I thought it was for sthing important and I just said her that I´d give it to her for sure.
Then, the day she broke up I was shocked and devastated, and even during this situation, when she saw me like that, she asked me for the money again. I gave her the half of that money, as I didn´t have anything else at that moment.
Then se was a month without talking to me, and after that month she wrote me to ask for the money. After trying to talk with her about the break up, about how can a person stop feeling that inmense love that she felt for me in the blink of an eye, and she answered me in a very aggressive way, saying that feelings cannot be understood. Then I said her that if the only thing she wanted was to solve the money issue, wue should pay all the holidays equally, and as I paid gas, food and some other stuff, I actually was already paying way more than her, so the money issue was done. She wasn´t being able to reason, and kept saying that I wasn´t giving her her money, and insulted me.
I was comlpetely shocked, I felt exactly a change between Dr jeckyll and mr hyde.
A month after that I wrote her just to end our story in a different way. I told her that I didn´t blame her, that she broke when she felt like doing it and even if it was something sudden to me, I had to accept it, and I didn´t talk about the money, despite she acted in such a cruel way, like trying to find a way to end up in a bad way with me and being so mean.
And she again answered acting in a deffensive way, saying everything was my fault, insulting me again and blocking me.
That was about a month ago, and she´s finishing her examn the next week.
I´m still going through some hard moments.
I don´t know what to think about my situation, what to do if she decides to write me when the stress is gone, or what to do right know to recover myself.

Thanks so much for your time and for all this articles that have helped me to understand what I´m going trough.

[Alf17]

Hi everybody, I´ve recently living a breakup with a girl I suspect may have some traits of BPD. After the breakup, which was so unexpected and surreal, I started looking for some info about how can a person change her feelings suddenly, and also the way she act and all this kind of things. I ended up hearing about BPD an well, here I´m.
There I go with my story:
I´ve been with a girl for a bit more than a year. During this time, everything was perfect, the idealization moment. She was all the time saying that she loved me more than anything, that she wouldn´t be able to live without me, wanting to be by my side all the time…all this kind of things you have heard so many times for sure.
Then, suddenly, one day, se wrote me because she didn´t got a good mark in an exam (she´s preparing her final medicine exam) and she wanted me to cheer her up.
At this moment I wasn´t able to answer her, and when I did, an hour after that, she wasn´t answering me.
She knew that I dind´t have the phone on me then. When she finally answered me, she said that I had failed her, that I wasn´t there when she needed me…and all this kind of things. I found it weird, because I have helped her a lot during all this period, and she was always talking about it and thanking me.
Then, we met a couple days after, and she said that she didn´t know if our relationship was going anywhere, cause she got angry and she didn´t felt like fixing it. Then, after talking about she being stressed, and all of this, she asked me to forgive her and to stay with her.
I was a bit shocked, but I thought it could have been because of the stress.
But during all this week long she wasn´t the same. She didn´t want to meet with me, and before that, she was always looking for a moment to have a coffe, or go for a walk or whatever. She was criticising everything I was doing…and finally se borke up before this week ended.
Two days before breaking up, she asked me for some money that she spent on our holidays (a month before) because she invited me to the hotel, as we went to a place I didn´t really want to, because she said me that she always wanted to go there, that this could help her with her studies…and I drove, we went there in my car, I payed for the gas and some other stuff. The thing is that she asked me this money because she wanted to go back to the psychologist, to help her with the stress.
Of course I didn´t mention that if you invite somebody yo shouldn´t ask for it later. I thought it was for sthing important and I just said her that I´d give it to her for sure.
Then, the day she broke up I was shocked and devastated, and even during this situation, when she saw me like that, she asked me for the money again. I gave her the half of that money, as I didn´t have anything else at that moment.
Then se was a month without talking to me, and after that month she wrote me to ask for the money. After trying to talk with her about the break up, about how can a person stop feeling that inmense love that she felt for me in the blink of an eye, and she answered me in a very aggressive way, saying that feelings cannot be understood. Then I said her that if the only thing she wanted was to solve the money issue, wue should pay all the holidays equally, and as I paid gas, food and some other stuff, I actually was already paying way more than her, so the money issue was done. She wasn´t being able to reason, and kept saying that I wasn´t giving her her money, and insulted me.
I was comlpetely shocked, I felt exactly a change between Dr jeckyll and mr hyde.
A month after that I wrote her just to end our story in a different way. I told her that I didn´t blame her, that she broke when she felt like doing it and even if it was something sudden to me, I had to accept it, and I didn´t talk about the money, despite she acted in such a cruel way, like trying to find a way to end up in a bad way with me and being so mean.
And she again answered acting in a deffensive way, saying everything was my fault, insulting me again and blocking me.
That was about a month ago, and she´s finishing her examn the next week.
I´m still going through some hard moments.
I don´t know what to think about my situation, what to do if she decides to write me when the stress is gone, or what to do right know to recover myself.

Thanks so much for your time and for all this articles that have helped me to understand what I´m going trough.

[Mutt]

Hi Alf17

I don´t know what to think about my situation, what to do if she decides to write me when the stress is gone, or what to do right know to recover myself.

The acting out from a pwBPD is when they’re stressed, you might hear from her again after the exams are done and if she gets results that she doesn’t like? You probably already know that a pwBPD can’t self regulate or self sooth and turn to the people closest to them for soothing.

First and foremost take care of you to recover what kinds do you like to do? A r/s with someone with BOD traits is like an emotional rollercoaster that leaves you feeling exhausted and confused. Self care is really important in general but more so when you have a pwBPD in your life.

Do you spend time with family and friends? What do you do for self care?

[Alf17]

Do you spend time with family and friends? What do you do for self care?


[/quote]

Thanks for your answer Mutt.
Yes, I´ve read about the way pwBPD react to stress. I´ve spent a lot of time reading about BPD, as most of us, I can guess.
I have been really down for about 3 months, but I always kept my relation with my friends, I´ve always been a very friendly person, and I´ve never let a relationship make me forget about my friends, and now I am very proud about this fact, as they are all helping me. They are all really shocked as they saw her really in love with me, and even her best friend, was extremelly shocked, as the last time they spoke everything was going great.
I´m also being supported by my fam. They know about the sudden breakup and about the money issue, the insults, about she blocking me... .They all agree she´s not a stable person, but I haven´t shared with them all this BPD stuff I´m reading, and the way it fits with her behaviour.

I´m training also as always. Boxing makes me forget about this situation and focus on other things.
I´ve ben a bit better for a couple of weeks but this past week I´ve been worse. Being a bit better again, but all this doubts, and such a surreal situation keeps me thinking about it over and over.

Thanks a lot for your answer. I´m pretty sure that talking to people who have been trough sthing similar will help me. I really appreciate your help!

[Mutt]

You’re into boxing? I was going to suggest weight training you have to be in good shape for boxing - good for you. Good for you that you have a good support system - spend as much time as you can with them it’s going to help. I think that it was a wise choice to not fill them in on BPD is she diagnosed? Mine ex isn’t and at the first sound of that it gets rejected we’re not professionals what we can look at are traits.

You have to close to a pwBPD to get the acting out directing at you consistently people that are in s r/s with her will have a hard time grasping it plus it’s a complicated disorder as you already know. The next question might be a tough one for you 60% of the members suffer from depression. Do you feel depressed?

[Alf17]

She is not diagnosed. I know she has traits, but that´s all. But when talking about relationships is when even traits become a big issue (the idealization-devaluation, the sudden breakup just because I wasn´t there for her and she saw it as an abandon (at least that´s what some pwBPD have told me) the fear to be abandonded, as during the relationships it was very common her making me promise her I wouldn´t leave her, saying that she wouldn´t be able to live without me... .the incapability to deal with failiure, the binge eating, everything about the promises during the idealization phase, some family mental issues as depression and maybe some other pwBPD... .

I´m not interest in a concrete diagnose. I just would liek to share my experience, talk with some other people who have been trough this situation, and once I get back to be myself, help other people who are suffering this.
I also know that se has gone to the psychologist before, due to a breakup, she told me she was devastated, she even tought about killing herself... .but I know nothing but a few things she told me an I didn´t want to make her talk about something so tough until she felt like that, so I didn´t answer her anything else.


And about the question, yes, I feel depressed. I´ve always been very active, and able to be  happy with just having a coffe, watching a film, going for a walk, hanging out with friends, even during hard times. But now, I find very difficult to be happy, I don´t really want to do anything, but I´m forcing myself to keep waking up early, studying, training... .
But I´m aware that there is still some work to do before I get back to be the one I used to.

[Mutt]

Im looking forward to reading more of your posts. Just an FYI jumping into threads and participating helps you and it helps others like you. You’re not alone.

. But now, I find very difficult to be happy, I don´t really want to do anything, but I´m forcing myself to keep waking up early, studying, training... .
But I´m aware that there is still some work to do before I get back to be the one I used to.

Sometimes we need help I’m a major depressive well I not my mental illness, it doesn’t define me you get the idea. My brain can’t produce enough serotonin I can’t control my serotonin levels anti depressants has helped with anxiety, dark thoughts, disinterest in people and life etc... .Have you talked to an MD or a GP about depression?

[wilting]

Hi Alf17

I think I understand how you feel.

Every time I tried to talk to my ex-fiancee again she will start accusing me of abandoning her during the most demanding time of her life, when it was, in fact, she who called off our engagement. She will bring up all her old grievances as well. There seemed to be no end to it.

There were times, however, she will message me explaining how difficult it was for her during that period of time and ask that we try to be friends at least. My heart would totally melt and I would wonder if we could get back together.

Before you know it, she will return with the accusations. These accusations, perhaps, fortunately, steel my resolve not to get back with her.

As we still have to meet and communicate to settle the fall out from our break up, this made it even harder for us to just go NC and move on. I still think of her every day.

My ex was also undiagnosed and exhibited traits (to me at least). She is very successful professionally in the medical field but went through a bad patch in her career recently (the apparent cause of her blow up and calling off our wedding).

I sort of knew that was how she was when I proposed - I thought I could handle it. There were many times she called for a breakup. I was able to handle those situations and we got ourselves engaged. When she called off the wedding, however, I panicked and told her she may have BPD. As you can imagine, that was the worst thing I could say and effectively ended all chances of us getting back together.   

While not on all fours with your situation, I think I understand how you feel. Hang in there my friend. Know that you are not the only one facing these emotions and we can find strength in each other to get through. All the best!

[MyBPD_friend]

Hi Alf, I can very well relate to what you say here.

I'm new as well and I've been going through this myself, even though my relationship was that of a short but emotionally very intense friendship for both of us. I've recovered by reading everything I could about BPD and watching youtube videos about it, but I'm not quite done, we're not quite done.

I posted my, sorry, very long story on the forum yesterday. I think the traits that we see are pretty well known for most people here.

This is indeed a great place and I feel so much understanding and I read much of what I've experienced.

[Alf17]

Have you talked to an MD or a GP about depression?
[/quote]

Sorry, I don´t know what MD/GP are. Still learning all this!
Anyway a dr who is friend of mine talked me about taking antidepressives... .but I think I can do it without that. As I told you I´ve always been a happy person. It´s true that I´ve never been so down... .not even during loosing a longlife friend, or during a family hard disease.

It´s being really hard to me. Maybe because I dind´t see her bad moments... .at the very first moment she started the dr jekyll to mr hyde transformation she dumped me, no explanation, no being able to talk and be reasonable as she has always been... .
And it´s being so hard to me to admit that even if I was her world, one day out of the blue I started meaning nothing at all to her. It feels just like she´s not human anymore... .

[Alf17]

So sorry about that mate. It´s just so painful, fairless and makes absolutely no sense for me... .I can´t imagine this happening once engaged.
It´s just so hard to accept that someone just suddenly completely changed... .someone who you loved and who loved you... .someone you thought you truly knew... .

What is being harder to handle is the fact that I never knew the "bad her". We were always extremely happy and in love during this time. She only got angry stimes because stupid stuff (once we were coming back from a trip, she wanted to stop in a concrete city to have launch... .I told her we wouldn´t make it in time but she insited... .when we arrived averything was closed and she got angry, other time we were having breakfast and I wasn´t feeling well, had to go to the bathroom and she got angry cause was our last hollyday breakfast and we couldn´t enjoy it propperly... .this childish kind of tantrums... .but they usually lasted for a few minutes, then she apologised and everything was cool.

Then the day she got angry when I didn´t message her back she said sthing has made a "click" inside her and she wasn´t feeling the same way, so she dumped me in few days.
And all the money issue... .it feels like she settled that all to make her easy to see me as the bad guy even if it was her the one acting mean... .
And from them she started to blame me about stuff that I should be blaming her... .telling me not to do what I said her I´d do (giving her the money) when she´s the one who payed for that because she wanted, and a month later she asks me to give it to her, saying me that I showed her a different person when she´s the one who suddenly changed and saying me that I was acting mean and this situation was completely my fault... .It just makes no sense at all... .not being able to see reality.

[Alf17]

Hi Alf17

I think I understand how you feel.

Every time I tried to talk to my ex-fiancee again she will start accusing me of abandoning her during the most demanding time of her life, when it was, in fact, she who called off our engagement. She will bring up all her old grievances as well. There seemed to be no end to it.

So sorry about that mate. It´s just so painful, fairless and makes absolutely no sense for me... .I can´t imagine this happening once engaged.
It´s just so hard to accept that someone just suddenly completely changed... .someone who you loved and who loved you... .someone you thought you truly knew... .

What is being harder to handle is the fact that I never knew the "bad her". We were always extremely happy and in love during this time. She only got angry stimes because stupid stuff (once we were coming back from a trip, she wanted to stop in a concrete city to have launch... .I told her we wouldn´t make it in time but she insited... .when we arrived averything was closed and she got angry, other time we were having breakfast and I wasn´t feeling well, had to go to the bathroom and she got angry cause was our last hollyday breakfast and we couldn´t enjoy it propperly... .this childish kind of tantrums... .but they usually lasted for a few minutes, then she apologised and everything was cool.

Then the day she got angry when I didn´t message her back she said sthing has made a "click" inside her and she wasn´t feeling the same way, so she dumped me in few days.
And all the money issue... .it feels like she settled that all to make her easy to see me as the bad guy even if it was her the one acting mean... .
And from them she started to blame me about stuff that I should be blaming her... .telling me not to do what I said her I´d do (giving her the money) when she´s the one who payed for that because she wanted, and a month later she asks me to give it to her, saying me that I showed her a different person when she´s the one who suddenly changed and saying me that I was acting mean and this situation was completely my fault... .It just makes no sense at all... .not being able to see reality.

[Mutt]

Sorry, I don´t know what MD/GP are. Still learning all this!
Anyway a dr who is friend of mine talked me about taking antidepressives... .but I think I can do it without that.

If you had a medical condition like diabetes you don’t tough it out. I suggest that you listen to your friend he’s a professional.


PS MD medical doctor GP general practitioner 

[Alf17]

If you had a medical condition like diabetes you don’t tough it out. I suggest that you listen to your friend he’s a professional.


PS MD medical doctor GP general practitioner 

Thanks a lot for your advices. They are helping me a lot. Well, I´ll give me some more time, but in case I keep going back to feel depressed after feeling a bit better, I´ll consider to go to therapy. It´d be hard to me, as I don´t use to share my deep feelings or talk about my stuff... .just with a few friends, but this time it´s not doing the trick.

Well, at least I found this place. I got sthing good from this awfull experience. I can see so many people trying to help other people even when they have such hard situations as kids, houses, years of marriage... .
That makes me regain some of my hope!