there is very big list of guys she is seeing

[NeeX]

Hi everybody!

It is very difficult for me to even start talking about hell in my head now. After 3 years in which i gave don't know how many chances to her i am broken now like never before.

She is/was my first encounter with people who are damaged this way and i found out about it a month ago. She is definitely uBPD and my therapist also said that she has a co-morbid of NPD.

I am still confused, memories are overwhelming and i don't know to explain how i exactly feel. It is hard. Can not sleep well, appetite is gone... .

My biggest fear is that she is pregnant.

Everything that i see on internet about this PD is exactly her. We where engaged on 7th December and i had to leave her on 28th December. I know when something isn't right. So, cuz she lives in different country when she had her first split in front of me i had recorded her. She was hallucinating that i work for Serbian mafia that her psychiatrist pays and that we want to take away her children from her and put her in hospital. She wanted to call police to tell them that i abuse her, so i had to record everything. 25 minutes after that she was saying that i did nothing wrong and that we are just pawns in this game. Later she was so jealous of my friends and family that she gave her phone to her kids and started to use mine for everything.

I found it later that there is very big list of guys she is seeing in a very close way. I saw her chats on my phone that wasn't deleted. So, i started to gather more evidence. I did this because we where publicly engaged and i had to have something in my defense when i tell her father. And i did just that.

It was like a demonic possession when she heard i told everything to her father. Her 10 year old daughter was supporting all of the bizarre things she said about me. Imagine little girl tells you that she is gonna kill you, like her mom did. And her father was there. He could not believe that everything i told him is true. He was very good to me and i consider him a great man.

There are so many things that i didn't mention now. I can write a book how many. So, please ask me about anything more you want to know about my case and i will tell you everything.

It is easier for me when i talk about. But i feel so ashamed to talk with anybody close to me. Sorry for my bad English.

[formflier]

You have found a safe place to discuss all of these confusing things.  My wife suffers from paranoia as well.  It can be especially frustrating when you KNOW that you are right and other people appear to be believing the paranoid delusions.

What kinds of things are you doing to be especially kind to yourself?  Extra walks... .an extra special meal just for you... just because? 

I'm so glad you have a therapist to guide you through this process.  What are your next steps?

Please look to the right of the screen and click on "choosing a path".  Give it some study and thought.  Post about your conclusions and questions here.

Again... you've found a safe spot.  Looking forward to hearing more from you.

FF

[Skip]

My biggest fear is that she is pregnant.

We where engaged on 7th December and i had to leave her on 28th December.

I found it later that there is very big list of guys she is seeing in a very close way. I saw her chats on my phone

Have you broken up? Are you still taking? Trying to work things out?

[NeeX]

Thank you for your suport!
First, people around her dont belive her paranoid delusions, but they are refusing to stand up and tell her that she is wrong. She is constantly saying that she is perfect and that we all must accept what she is doing or saying. Or we all can f*** off. Her parents are silent, cuz of their grandchildren. But , her father said after everything he heard from her and everything that i presented him that he will put an effort to change her psychiatrist, that he will stop giving her money, talk more with her... .He was crying when he left me on station, told me that i am a good man and i deserve happines. Great man!
Her psychiatrist is very bad. She visits him for more then a 3 years and doesnt have any therapy, diagnose... .Even she had a 3 attempts of suicide. She is using him to get more money from her social. Yes, Switzerland is paying her just to go to a psychiatrist. I have been in his office with her 4 times and i know what i am talking about. Fanny thing is that his surname is same as mine. We made a joke about it when i was first time in his office.
It is frustrating how much we all belive in her change, and she see us as quote " Less dimensional beings". She thinks that she is above us all. Yet, she was so frustrated when she had to send CV's to apply for some weekend jobs, cuz there is nothing to write.
Scary thing is how much her kids are alienated. I have audio records when she speaks about them, but it is not on English.
She say that nothing is mather more then for her kids to obbey everything she say. They dont have to understand, only to listen and execute. Like little robots. They are spying their father and his new wife and regulary report to her. They are confirming everything she says, they have to show wich of them love her the most on daily basis... .
I learned that eveything she said is half-truth or wrong. I have spoken to everyone close to her including her ex husband. They are all normal.
She is putting so much effort to look perfect to outside world, but on the other side she refuse to even listen us. It is always about her.
Now, i constantly argue with myself. One part of me want's to help her, other is so pissed of, ashamed and hurt. I am starting to work on 25th this month and i will be on the road for about 6 months. I am hoping that my job will help me not to think about her. Now, i am obsessed. I constantly have a feeling that something bad is going to happend every minute. Like, i recive news that she is pregnant. One part of me is scared that she is going to contact me soon and i will not ressist her, like in the past. Yes, i broke up with her so many times. I have a history of going no contact with her, but when she see's that she is blocked she starts to contact my family, friends... .Making new profiles to get to me... .And i know that she will try again. Be honest, who wants to marry a woman with 3 kids and damaged this much? Yes, i am constantly asking myself this question. I don't know how i became so week, never was. And i will give my best to get over it.
One thing i know "You can not help anyone who doesn't want to help themselfs".
I will get over all this and i will be happy! But, it looks like time have to pass.

[formflier]

First, people around her dont belive her paranoid delusions, but they are refusing to stand up and tell her that she is wrong. She is constantly saying that she is perfect and that we all must accept what she is doing or saying.  

Good observation!   

I'll challenge you to read the article below and then comment on the wisdom... .or lack of wisdom in the approach other people are using.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Looking forward to reading your thoughts about this article.

FF

[NeeX]

I must tell you that my tone here is different then in conversation with my exBPD. Article you pointed me to is saying to me only how conversation needs to look like. I can tell you that i agree with all of it.
Maybe i am wrong, but somewhere you have to set boundaries. I have listened her for hours talking about reall and imagined things. I have never condemed her, have always ask for her opinion on any topic. But, what to do when she is disrespecting you, when you find out about other men, when she is gaslightning you, when accuses you for things that you didnt do... .Somewhere has to be boundary.
Ask yourself do you want to enable her behaviour long enough for her to make some very big problem in her life? To wait that and hope after that she will question herself, that she will under pressure of concequences finaly accept herself and ask for help.
Ask yourself what her children listen and do every day for her? Do they deserve better?
What do you consider to be your friend? Someone who agrees with everything you do or someone who is there to listen and feel with you and at the end tells you what are you doing wrong.
I will tell you what i have done and pls tell me what do you think, is it right?
After i gatherd all of the evidence available i didnt pointed out to her. I have asked her to sit with me so we can have conversation. I told her that everything i will say to her isnt there to condeme her, that i want to talk about it to find a solution or path to go other way, that i love her and i will never try to hurt her in any way, that she is the only person in the world who can make me leave her. I pointed out all of my bad sides and told her that nobody is perfect. Neither me or her. Guess what! She looked me with very angry look and said " I am perfect, you monkey". Then i told her there is no need to argue and that it hurts me when she is talking that way with me. She said " You are an adult, you are responsible for your feelings". I agreed and said to her that cuz i love her her words and behaviour affects me even if i am not showing that. I pointed that in every relationship conversation is most important thing for me and that we must talk and work together to solve every problem there is. She said " Welcome to my world, take it or leave it i dont care". Conversation ended and i went to bed to think about what the hell i am doing wrong, like so many times. At the time i was at her home and she acted like i wasn't there, exept when something needed to do for her or kids. Then she would be nice and carring to that point that i felt like anytime she is good to me she needs something. I had all the evidence and i was affraid to show that to her, cuz i didnt want to cause pain, i didnt want her to leave.
This is just one of example. I have tryed so many times to meet with her on the half of a road and talk.
At the end, as i said before, i told everything to her father. Not to wash my hands of it, but to try to get to her. She didnt know it, but i have said to her father every bad thing i did in my life so that he can know that i am serious and honest.
She knewed all my secrects also, she tryed to use that agaisnt me when we tryed to talk with her. When she was left without amunition she started to acuse me of very bizare things.
I agree that some people are more sensitive then others. But she knows that she is different, she knows that she is causing pain and she is proud of it as she say. How can you have understanding for this behaviour?

[Mutt]

Hi NeeX,



I’d like to join the others and welcome you to bpdfamily. I completely understand how a pwBPD have us walking on eggshells with paranoia and irrational thinking. You said that you’re going to be on the road, you have us online for support anytime me that you need us. What’s your support network like with family and friends? I’d like to echo formflier and adk you what do you like to do in your spare time? This is a hard question, what do you plan on doing if she is pregnant? My advice is take things one thing at a time for now if you’re not 100% positive.

[NeeX]

Hi Mutt! Thank you!
I can not talk about this with family and friends cuz they simply dont understand. Only with my therapist, but i will see him just 2 more times before i start to work. So, i think i will anoy you guys in the time ahead.
At this time i dont have desire to do anything. Just sitting in my room and listen music. It makes me feel better. When i try to sleep fear comes in. If she is pregnant i know she will have this child. Like i said to her father i will never be with her again if she dont change her doctor, she admits that she has a problem and she is in therapy. Even if she have my child. I would try to take it from her.
Funny thing is that i almoust refused this work cuz she told me when i come in Switzerland and marry her it will not be a problem for finding a job. Pure luck!
Dont worry, i didnt lose my compas. I dont have will to do things, but i do what i must. Problems can come just from her. So, answer is i dont know exactly what i will do if that happens. I want to be me again and not let anyone to disturb my inner peace.

[Jeffree]

NeeX,

This is very sad. I am sorry it is affecting you so harshly.

Even though you are suffering so, it does seem as though you have a good grasp on what you need to do for you to get through this and limit the damage in your life.

However, it takes time to recover, so be patient with yourself. Also be good to yourself. Get back to doing those things for yourself you like to do. Go for walks and breathe the air.

J

[NeeX]

Thank you Jeffree!
One of my friends will come later. We will for sure talk about other stuff in life. He is one of many for whom this is clear situation. We had few talks about it and he told me that he will not talk about that anymore and that we should look ahead. I understand him and others close to me, but they do not understand what is like to be crushed over and over again and still wanting to help. Yes, i am codependent in some way i dont understand. I had enough girls and breakups. It was never like this, even when i was deeply in love. They do not get it, but you guys here understand what i am trying to say.
In same time i am happy that i am not alone in this, there are so many people affected in so many ways by PD's, yet the fact that there are so many of us suffer directly or indirectly is very sad.
I still want to help anyone in need that i can help, but is difficult for me now to distance myself from what i have done. Let her to literally castrate me. Guilt for that is only mine, and i will find a way forgive myself and never repeat that again. So, i use this time to think. It is getting clearer and clearer every day. Just, she is still haunting me in my head trying to make me think i did something wrong. That is the reason i read a lot about this, why i am here. I hope this will help someone in their life.

[Mutt]

Don’t  worry about us NeeX you’re not bothering us, I had a lot of people listen to me I pay it back.

Just, she is still haunting me in my head trying to make me think i did something wrong.

Don’t take this the wrong way. Do you find yourself ruminating in your room? I need my space but I find that if I’m not moving and I’m at home with something on my mind I need to move, our bodies are built to move, i need to empty my  thoughts in the gym. St the end of my workout I feel refreshed, and less stressed I need feedback from friends and family because I want to hear another side of the situation maybe I’m missing something.

It’s not a realistic picture of NeeX if the focus is in things that you might of done wrong. Do you work out? What are your hobbies ?

[NeeX]

Hey Mutt!
Afrter i broke my knee i stoped doing sports. Like to swim.
I play guitar and love dj-ing, music production.
Writting is my passion and usually after i am feeling very bad, like now, i put all on a paper and get over it. At the moment i can not concetrate to write.
I will listen to your advice and go for a swim.
I think i need some good party to dance. It is like a gym for me.
Thank you again!

[Mutt]

Enjoy!

[Speck]

Hello, NeeX!

Her 10 year old daughter was supporting all of the bizarre things she said about me.

I read your entire thread and just wanted to pop in to say that I see that you're going through a tough time.  I am sorry, friend.  Not being believed is a very isolating thing to go through, and being accused of bizarre things also compounds the confusing pain.

They do not get it, but you guys here understand what i am trying to say.

Yes, unfortunately, we do. You'll find that many of us share similar stories, and we do understand what you're trying to say.

Stick around, NeeX, there are many articles here that can help you order your thoughts, and if you need feedback, just let us know. 


-Speck