Friend wants me to accept that i have been abused by her..

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am interested to know how others feel about this:

I had a conversation with a friend of mine who was in a relationship with a person she says has NPD.  She does extensive research on NPD and has a fb group to help others with this.  I know there are differences in the 2 spectrums but on this forum we call the person who was in a relationship with a BPD a "NON" and people who have been in relationships with Narcissists call themselves "victims" or really identify as victims of abuse.  

I started thinking about this because my exgf really has narcissistic behavior but i know that borderlines can too.  So it gets confusing there but for me the big issue is that she thinks that i'm bypassing my pain because i won't get angry about the abuse that this woman has dealt me.  Things like how she used me for sex and then said, "sorry for leading you on" and things like that.  

For me personally i told her that when i think of her as having a disease or disorder it helps me to forgive her and show love for her even though I have no contact with her and know a relationship with her is toxic.  She thinks because my ex is posting pics on her fb page that show me she's at the new guys apt with her kids and that her sort've mutual ex friend keeps telling me updates about the new guy that my ex is using her to abuse me (throw it in my face how she has moved on from me).  And my ex does have a history of using men to get back at her ex husband (me included in that parade).  She sees us as objects i now believe.  

Anyway the big issue is how i deal with the perception of this.  Is it wrong for me to want to look at this relationship from a spiritual perspective?  when i do, i feel slightly better (even though it doesn't stop the haunting images of her having sex with the new guy (i feel diseased because of my negative imagination)   But in our recent conversation she thinks i'm bypassing my pain by NOT classifying her as a Narcissistic (i actually know she is self absorbed but dont want to give her a label) and by not allowing myself to be angry about how she has treated me.

Is this part of my disorder and the reason that i attract disordered personality types?  because i forgive them and have compassion for them so easily?   Am i supposed to turn into a callous and hard person so that I scare these types off before i ever meet them?  I don't know?  I feel like this relationship has taught me that i'm a loving person on one hand.  I do feel honored on one hand to really know what unconditional love feels like.  Some people may never what it feels like to stay in a place of love even when the aggressor or person who is ill is doing one harm.  I'm not saying this from a co-dependent place of loving the abuse and staying- i'm saying even this because i stopped the relationship because of the abuse and went no contact but even still I still feel like i'll always love her or have some weird super power of looking past all of her disordered parts and seeing the part that even she can't see (which stinks that she can't see that).

I mostly had better boundaries in this relationship until the last week we were together and i let her seduce me.   I can't seem to forgive myself for that and yet i forgive her for doing it.  I hold myself to a higher standard because i have been through this before with my pBPDexwife. 

So my friend thinks that i'm being too empathetic to my abuser like stock-holm syndrome?

Does anyone relate to this?  is that why it's taking some of us so long to recover because we refuse to demonize them like they have demonized us? or empathize with our abusers? (I dislike labeling her like that) I thought that staying true to loving them, although a double bind, is the only thing that i/we can control?  not doing to them what they have done to us (demonize/ paint black etc).   It seems like those who are studying NPD vs BPD want to be angry about how they were victimized and some of them want to obsess over how they were abused by the Narcissist.  

I don't want to identify with being a victim but maybe I should? (at least for awhile?)

I do feel like someone who has suffered abuse but it feels better to me to NOT think it was purposeful or maliciously intended but more that she is just a self absorbed lost child who doesn't know how to bond with anyone.   Still the images of her giving her body away to someone new so fast makes me think she never really cared.  And because (whether she has BPD or npd) she has probably painted me black now she could in her mind be using the new guy to act out at me not to mention i know the other is that she can't be alone.  The fact that she posted pics of her and the kids at new guys apt feels like it was meant for me to see.  The reason i say this is that i hadn't looked at her fb wall for some time and she hadn't been liking my posts until last week.  She like a recent post of my daughter and i wondered why now if she is still with this guy would she do this?  According to my friend who studies Narcissism she says that it's my ex's way of getting me to think about her even though she has moved on.  In other words, it is okay for her to move on but she hopes that if she keeps me wondering if she still wants me that i will stay in "play".   There is a website by HG Tudor that talks about this from a recovering Narcissists point of view.  He says the Narcissist is never really done with you. 
Her strategy must have worked because i went to her page to look more closely at her photos because i was curious.  I refuse to delete her from fb because despite all her bad behavior etc i don't want her to think that i hate her and i know that would also just feed her need to paint me black.  And because she has a public page anyway, it is just a matter of self discipline (which i caved in because the superbowl was a huge trigger event and was curious if she would post any pics about that event.)

So in conclusion, the questions are:
1.  am i wrong or delaying my healing for not being angry with her for hurting me.
2.  what is  wrong with looking at it from a spiritual perspective if it helps me to feel better (sometimes)
3.  am i having all these visions of her having sex with the new guy because i refuse to demonize her and paint her black in attempt to move on like borderlines do with us?
4.  is it easier for people who look at ex's as Narcs vs borderlines because it's easier to be angry at someone with NPD?

[truthbeknown]

I am interested to know how others feel about this:

I had a conversation with a friend of mine who was in a relationship with a person she says has NPD.  She does extensive research on NPD and has a fb group to help others with this.  I know there are differences in the 2 spectrums but on this forum we call the person who was in a relationship with a BPD a "NON" and people who have been in relationships with Narcissists call themselves "victims" or really identify as victims of abuse.  

I started thinking about this because my exgf really has narcissistic behavior but i know that borderlines can too.  So it gets confusing there but for me the big issue is that she thinks that i'm bypassing my pain because i won't get angry about the abuse that this woman has dealt me.  Things like how she used me for sex and then said, "sorry for leading you on" and things like that.  

For me personally i told her that when i think of her as having a disease or disorder it helps me to forgive her and show love for her even though I have no contact with her and know a relationship with her is toxic.  She thinks because my ex is posting pics on her fb page that show me she's at the new guys apt with her kids and that her sort've mutual ex friend keeps telling me updates about the new guy that my ex is using her to abuse me (throw it in my face how she has moved on from me).  And my ex does have a history of using men to get back at her ex husband (me included in that parade).  She sees us as objects i now believe.  

Anyway the big issue is how i deal with the perception of this.  Is it wrong for me to want to look at this relationship from a spiritual perspective?  when i do, i feel slightly better (even though it doesn't stop the haunting images of her having sex with the new guy (i feel diseased because of my negative imagination)   But in our recent conversation she thinks i'm bypassing my pain by NOT classifying her as a Narcissistic (i actually know she is self absorbed but dont want to give her a label) and by not allowing myself to be angry about how she has treated me.

Is this part of my disorder and the reason that i attract disordered personality types?  because i forgive them and have compassion for them so easily?   Am i supposed to turn into a callous and hard person so that I scare these types off before i ever meet them?  I don't know?  I feel like this relationship has taught me that i'm a loving person on one hand.  I do feel honored on one hand to really know what unconditional love feels like.  Some people may never what it feels like to stay in a place of love even when the aggressor or person who is ill is doing one harm.  I'm not saying this from a co-dependent place of loving the abuse and staying- i'm saying even this because i stopped the relationship because of the abuse and went no contact but even still I still feel like i'll always love her or have some weird super power of looking past all of her disordered parts and seeing the part that even she can't see (which stinks that she can't see that).

I mostly had better boundaries in this relationship until the last week we were together and i let her seduce me.   I can't seem to forgive myself for that and yet i forgive her for doing it.  I hold myself to a higher standard because i have been through this before with my pBPDexwife. 

So my friend thinks that i'm being too empathetic to my abuser like stock-holm syndrome?

Does anyone relate to this?  is that why it's taking some of us so long to recover because we refuse to demonize them like they have demonized us? or empathize with our abusers? (I dislike labeling her like that) I thought that staying true to loving them, although a double bind, is the only thing that i/we can control?  not doing to them what they have done to us (demonize/ paint black etc).   It seems like those who are studying NPD vs BPD want to be angry about how they were victimized and some of them want to obsess over how they were abused by the Narcissist.  

I don't want to identify with being a victim but maybe I should? (at least for awhile?)

I do feel like someone who has suffered abuse but it feels better to me to NOT think it was purposeful or maliciously intended but more that she is just a self absorbed lost child who doesn't know how to bond with anyone.   Still the images of her giving her body away to someone new so fast makes me think she never really cared.  And because (whether she has BPD or npd) she has probably painted me black now she could in her mind be using the new guy to act out at me not to mention i know the other is that she can't be alone.  The fact that she posted pics of her and the kids at new guys apt feels like it was meant for me to see.  The reason i say this is that i hadn't looked at her fb wall for some time and she hadn't been liking my posts until last week.  She like a recent post of my daughter and i wondered why now if she is still with this guy would she do this?  According to my friend who studies Narcissism she says that it's my ex's way of getting me to think about her even though she has moved on.  In other words, it is okay for her to move on but she hopes that if she keeps me wondering if she still wants me that i will stay in "play".   There is a website by HG Tudor that talks about this from a recovering Narcissists point of view.  He says the Narcissist is never really done with you. 
Her strategy must have worked because i went to her page to look more closely at her photos because i was curious.  I refuse to delete her from fb because despite all her bad behavior etc i don't want her to think that i hate her and i know that would also just feed her need to paint me black.  And because she has a public page anyway, it is just a matter of self discipline (which i caved in because the superbowl was a huge trigger event and was curious if she would post any pics about that event.)

So in conclusion, the questions are:
1.  am i wrong or delaying my healing for not being angry with her for hurting me.
2.  what is  wrong with looking at it from a spiritual perspective if it helps me to feel better (sometimes)
3.  am i having all these visions of her having sex with the new guy because i refuse to demonize her and paint her black in attempt to move on like borderlines do with us?
4.  is it easier for people who look at ex's as Narcs vs borderlines because it's easier to be angry at someone with NPD?

[Sunfl0wer]

Does anyone relate to this?  is that why it's taking some of us so long to recover because we refuse to demonize them like they have demonized us? or empathize with our abusers?

I personally think that many classify themselves as victims because they feel they need to in order to heal.  It helps them to see that they should not have been treated a certain way.

However, I strongly dislike any implication that I am a victim.  It was a relationship.  I am an adult.  I was not kidnapped to be in that relationship.  I participated in the dynamic.

For me, owning my part of the dynamic helps my healing as I feel empowered to make different choices moving forward.

I can choose to think of myself a victim of years of his passive aggressive emotional abuse.  Or I can choose to think of Us in a relationship with abuseive power control dynamics that I allowed, I particiapted in.  Imo, thinking this way helps me look at my behavior.  Had I not been so accepting of the dynamics, the relationship would have desolved sooner.  So why did I allow this?

Have you read about drama triangle?
Viewing ourself as a victim is a way that we actually participate in dysfunctional dynamics!  Yet if we view ourself as capable, then we can achieve a higher level of social/emotional function in our lives. 

By the way... .
I do love my ex.  He is not all bad, not a villian.  I have fluctuated in nming and did struggle with “black/white” thoughts at times.  Yet, learning the greyness can be more helpful.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey tbk, What sort of abuse did you experience?  It's unclear to me.  What makes your friend say that you were abused by her?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Grieving the loss of the r/s comes in 5 different stages anger is one stage and there is no particular order for the stages. Maybe your just not at that stage?

The thought victim crossed my mind for a minute when my exuBPDw left, maybe some people would label with as a victim it doesn’t mean that I have to assume that role of victim. I’m a survivor and I wanted to shift into the role of thrived.

Anger serves a purpose it does help us with detaching from unhealthy r/s’s you don’t want to get stuck there has your friend told about the three roles? What are her goals does she plan to become a survivor? Share the link with her, check the link in the first post it describes all three roles and their attributes. What role do you see yourself in?

”From Victim to Survivor to Thriver"

[truthbeknown]

i resonate with survivor right now.   She might have killed our relationship but she does that to things and as much as it sucks i know i couldn't prevent it or stop it or fix it so i must survive.  Where the potential for anger comes and i had a little of it when i found out that she introduced the kids to her new boyfriend.  I was also angry that she would rather be around someone who spills a tub of popcorn on her daughters head and thinks that safe or normal or acceptible vs having someone like me who was supportive and kind to her.  But her sabotage not mine.  It just stinks that i got attached to her good and that after she had a heart attack and i was there for her that she completely sabotaged her r/s with me because of her anxiety of being with me.  I probably made her nervous because i was too normal for her.  Oh well.   back to surviving and hopefully thriving again sometime soon.

[Gunit1]

i resonate with survivor right now.   She might have killed our relationship but she does that to things and as much as it sucks i know i couldn't prevent it or stop it or fix it so i must survive.  Where the potential for anger comes and i had a little of it when i found out that she introduced the kids to her new boyfriend.  I was also angry that she would rather be around someone who spills a tub of popcorn on her daughters head and thinks that safe or normal or acceptible vs having someone like me who was supportive and kind to her.  But her sabotage not mine.  It just stinks that i got attached to her good and that after she had a heart attack and i was there for her that she completely sabotaged her r/s with me because of her anxiety of being with me.  I probably made her nervous because i was too normal for her.  Oh well.   back to surviving and hopefully thriving again sometime soon.

What kind of things did she do to you? I am interested as I to feel I was Used for sex and discarded at end when she met someone new behind my back of course. Interested to see if story is close to mine