New here, question about long term effects

[onlyfaith]

Hello,

I am new here and am finding this board very helpful.  My sister in law and father in law are BPD.  My mother in law divorced and left my FIL last year - no warning to us or him.  Just left to go live with my SIL.  It wasn't until we had to deal with my FIL on a weekly basis that I am seeing the full picture of what my husband had to live with is whole life.  The full realization of this is hitting me very hard.  I just didn't know.  I am curious for any of you who are adult children of a BPD, what have you done to work through your difficult upbringing?  Are there things still today you find yourself doing because of the instability? What has helped?

I'm trying to support my husband as he deals with his father.  I also am trying to come to grips that my extended family isn't what I thought it was, and my husband's childhood is far worse than I imagined.  Just looking for help.

Thank you!

[Panda39]

Hi onlyfaith,

  Welcome

I'm on these boards because my significant other has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife and share 2 daughters. 

I can tell you from observing my SO's daughters that they have been effected by their mom's behaviors and like any child have learned some of their mom's behaviors.

Boundaries are hard for both of them particularly D17.  Guilt is also pretty heavy in relation to their mom too.

What are you seeing in terms of your husband what is he struggling with most?  You as someone outside the family dynamic might be able to see things that he and his family can't.

I've gotta run (I'm on my lunch break)

Before I go, I want to point out the box to the right -> each item is a link to more information you might want to check out the "Lessons" section when you get the chance.

I'm glad you've decided to jump in and post, your husband is a lucky guy to have your support.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Mutt]

Hi onlyfaith,



I'd like to join Panda39 and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that your husband is going through a difficult time and you as well. It's frustrating when the other party invalidates us by not being able to reason with them.

My father is undiagnosed he's narcissistic with traits of ADHD and anxiety. He doesn't live in the same city but when he visits he stays at my BIL and I feel sorry for my BIL because he can be very difficult to cope with although he's not mean spirited only to my step mom he is very stressful because a narcissitic ego is frustrating.

It took many years for me to come to terms with my father to me he was normal, he was my father it's not until I married a woman with undiagnosed traits of BPD that I saw similiraties with dad . A lot of the frustration, emotional distress was because I was hoping that one day my dad will change and maybe he'll validate me. I had to accept that this is who he is and he'll likely not change. I think it starts with letting go that hope and embracing him as he is today. I'll leave you with a link to radical acceptance.

Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)

[GeekyGirl]

Hey onlyfaith! 

It's great that you're supporting your husband by learning about BPD--the most you know, the better you can understand how he grew up and what you can do to help.

You've asked some good questions and I'll give you my perspective, as someone who grew up with a BPD mother:

what have you done to work through your difficult upbringing?  Are there things still today you find yourself doing because of the instability? What has helped?

I struggled with low self-esteem for most of my life, but only as an adult started to understand why. I have had several years of therapy, done yoga/meditation, and learned how to cope with the tough feelings that occasionally bubble up.

It's not easy, and sometimes I do catch myself judging myself harshly--especially when I feel like I'm being criticized. I have started to see things differently over the years, and now when I start to feel that "I'm not XX enough," that I felt growing up, I take a step back and try to figure out where those feelings are coming from. What has also helped is finding people that I can trust to be honest and have my best interests in mind to help me get back on track. My good friends, husband, and a few trusted colleagues are good sounding boards.

How is your husband doing, and how has this impacted your relationship with him? What kind of support do the two of you have as you work through this? 

[CollectedChaos]

Welcome! 

Kudos to you for working to learn more about what is going on in your extended family - knowledge is power, for sure.  I am an adult child of an undiagnosed but likely BPD mother.  Speaking from my experience, the older I get the more I can see how my mom's behavior has permeated just about every aspect of my life.  You don't realize how impacted you are as a kid when these kinds of crazy behaviors become your norm.

I always had low self-esteem and was very shy as a child.  I was constantly afraid that I would be judged negatively for saying anything, especially when it came to my own preferences/ideas.  My mom was very invalidating - anything I said or did was dismissed as being wrong or completely ignored, so I grew up thinking I was not important enough to express my thoughts.  In the same vein, I often find myself trying to keep the peace instead of speaking my mind.  Instinctively I would rather bite my tongue and let things go than stick up for myself or what I care about. 

I've been going to therapy for a while now, have pieced apart these issues and traced them back to my unstable childhood.  I think being able to see the "trail" so to speak has helped me find ways to correct these behaviors and relearn healthy ones.  I've been learning that what occurred in my home as a kid was out of my control and not my fault, but I now have control over my life and what I do now in terms of interactions with them.  A lot of it is based in self-esteem, and knowing that I am just as worthy of things as the people around me and that I don't need to accept abuse/manipulation from people simply because they are family.

My parents were also alcoholics, so some time ago I stumbled upon the term "Adult Child of an Alcoholic" and found a list of common traits for people who grew up in alcoholic homes.  I can relate to most of the traits they list, and I don't think that's entirely due to alcohol - I think BPD/NPD have very similar traits, and the unpredictability of the home is very similar.  I suggest doing a quick google search for adult children of alcoholics - you may find some of the traits match your husband.

[GreenRoad]

Hello,

I am new here and am finding this board very helpful.  My sister in law and father in law are BPD.  My mother in law divorced and left my FIL last year - no warning to us or him.  Just left to go live with my SIL.  It wasn't until we had to deal with my FIL on a weekly basis that I am seeing the full picture of what my husband had to live with is whole life.  The full realization of this is hitting me very hard.  I just didn't know.  I am curious for any of you who are adult children of a BPD, what have you done to work through your difficult upbringing?  Are there things still today you find yourself doing because of the instability? What has helped?

I'm trying to support my husband as he deals with his father.  I also am trying to come to grips that my extended family isn't what I thought it was, and my husband's childhood is far worse than I imagined.  Just looking for help.

Thank you!

I'm new here also, and I think it is wonderful you are making an effort to learn about the affects of BPD to families in an effort to better understand your husband.

I am 30, and am an only child of an diagnosed BPD mom and an alcoholic father. My parents were married for 30 years and divorced in 2011, so my home life was rather dysfunctional and I have only realized in the past couple of years the impact that has had on me as an adult. For a long time I had a tendency to avoid conflict and keep my own opinions to myself in the interest of keeping the peace. I would constantly say "I'm sorry," when any disagreement arose and attempted to absorb the blame for things as I really believed it was my fault even when logic said it wasn't. Until I met my husband, I truly believed married couples didn't get along and were essentially miserable together. I have struggled with low self esteem all of my life, and my mom instilled some pretty screwed up beliefs in me regarding my body image.

My husband has been incredibly supportive and understanding of me, and this has been essential in my "recovery". He makes me feel beautiful every day and accepts me completely as I am. His family is wonderful, and although they live a thousand miles away, they are incredibly supportive of me as well, as they have been witness to some of my mom's BPD behavior. It was my husband that really encouraged me to see a therapist, and it was in therapy I first heard the term "borderline" when talking about my mother. That was a light bulb moment for me, as I had spent my life thinking I was the problem. I am also coming to realize BPD traits are present in many of my relatives on my mom's side of the family, including aunts, uncles, and even my grandma. It really explains so much of the dysfunction I was exposed to growing up.

I still struggle with fear, obligation, and guilt in my relationship with my mom. The thought of confrontation with her brings knots to my stomach, and I feel like a small child again each time she goes into a rage. I commend you for your desire to learn more about BPD and support your husband through these challenges. I'd recommend he seek out a therapist familiar with BPD to help him work through some of the issues he's faced in his family.     

[onlyfaith]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to share.  I have read and re-read each of your words and it has been so helpful.  I see a lot of similarities with what each of you have said and what my husband encounters.  My concern is if he is truly dealing with these issues or just coping.  I guess you go back and forth between the two.  He is talking to a therapist as his father is out of control. He insists there are only two roads he can choose: 1) continue a relationship and take the abuse or 2) cut off communication.  He says there is no in between.  I think there may be an in between but it's not my choice to make.  It's a lot to process, but I am so thankful for this board and the lessons.

[Panda39]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to share.  I have read and re-read each of your words and it has been so helpful.  I see a lot of similarities with what each of you have said and what my husband encounters.  My concern is if he is truly dealing with these issues or just coping.  I guess you go back and forth between the two.  He is talking to a therapist as his father is out of control. He insists there are only two roads he can choose: 1) continue a relationship and take the abuse or 2) cut off communication.  He says there is no in between.  I think there may be an in between but it's not my choice to make.  It's a lot to process, but I am so thankful for this board and the lessons.

Hi onlyfaith,

Glad to hear your husband is talking with a Therapist, that can be really helpful in assisting him work through issues with his dad.

Going back to your original question about the effects of having a BPD Parent... .The interesting thing you said here to me is that your husband thinks that there are only 2 options in terms of dealing with his father.  This way of thinking could very well be something he learned from his dad.  Black and White thinking is a very BPD behavior.

You are absolutely correct there are more than two ways for your husband to approach his relationship with his dad. Yes, the two approaches he gave are a couple of approaches, my SO's D21 is no contact with her mom, but my SO's D17 has created boundaries around how she interacts with her mother, she talks with her on the phone, texts and sees her in person occasionally for lunch or coffee (in a public place).  Boundaries are key to finding a middle approach.  One boundary could be your husband talks with him on the phone and FIL becomes abusive, your husband tells his dad that if he continues he will hang up the phone, if it continues... .hang up.  Another boundary could be like my SO's daughter meet in a public place (if he tends to behave better in front of others).  One boundary could be not seeing FIL in person but keeping phone/email contact... .a physical boundary. It's about setting boundaries for your husband that allow you to have a relationship that is tolerable for your husband.

What are the behaviors that your husband struggles with most?  Look at those... .can you create a boundary that protects him from those behaviors.

But like I said above regarding my SO's daughters, it might be hard for your husband to set boundaries regarding his father, he has been raised by someone that doesn't allow or rolls right over someone else's boundaries so enforcing boundaries in particular could be really hard.  This may also be the reason he only sees the two options he does.

An example of how I've seen my SO's daughters mom boundary bust is with the phone.  Both girls were taught that you must answer the phone when it rings it is rude to not answer the phone.  So mom called all the time and the girls like robots answered every time.  It didn't matter if you were with friends, at school, eating dinner or asleep in bed... .you better answer the phone. Not only is is this boundary busting, there is also FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) too.  You don't answer you fear the repercussions of mom, you are made to feel obligated to answer and if you don't answer you are made to feel guilty. Their dad had to teach both girls that no you don't have to answer the phone every time it rings, that you are allowed to your own time, and that it is fine to call someone back later. 

Below are links to more on FOG & Boundaries... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Panda39

[DaughterOfHera]

   onlyfaith, it's good that you are reaching out, searching, being supportive.  Your partner is lucky to have you on his side, as well as his family.  I am an adult child of a mother uBPD, dDep and have a dSchizSis. 

The biggest challenge I have always found is in having a lack of understanding / lack of words to put to the behaviours / symptoms / etc.  When you're a kid, no one teaches you the ABC's of this illness and so that education is lost.  I have, of course, utilized decades of therapy since, which has had both pros and cons, but what I have found most helpful has been to read other people's words and check-mark which ones I resonate to.  I've done this by:

1)  Buying "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking On Eggshells" and giving myself permission to dog-ear it and write in it.
2)  Read posts on this site, sometimes copying and pasting excerpts.
3)  Going back over the words from these and seeing where I'm at every once in a while.

I've never personally met anyone whose completely gotten over being a child of parents with BPD (thought they may be out there), but there absolutely is hope for healing and a reasonably stable life ahead.  I send you and your loved ones wishes for ease and understanding.