What would've happened if...

[Mikey26]

It should've been simple:
BPD g/f has a tantrum. B/f goes like: 'all right then, we'd better call it a night here,' and he really does call it a night, like a veritable gent.
Yeah, now she's all huffy and doesn't turn up for a couple of days, but the boy is 100% happy with his life and has sheer fun out of this because he knows she'll be back and nearly on her knees (and if she doesn't, well... .the man did the right thing and his self-esteem remains sky high, or even higher).
Situation 2: she starts blubbering and yelling at the man. But he goes like: 'sorry, babe, I don't seem to have learned to deal with tears. Soothe down, relax a bit and I'll be back when you're ready to have a word, like a big girl you are, all right?' And he really does leave, without looking back.
Etc etc.
How come I couldn't do this? It's not just that she would've loved me after passing such tests with flying colours, it's that I would've loved myself as well! Because BOTH BPDs and codependents needed this!
What could've happened? More push/pull c... p? Did I avoid them by behaving like an idiotic nice guy? Hell no! That's what WE both needed! Boundaries! Set by the man! BOTH needed that.
How long? Not very long! If I'd acted like this I would've succeeded! Period.
Ok. She might have cheated impulsively, in which case I would've had to cut her off my life on the spot. But where would I be standing now? Somewhere else, without the BPD sultry lady, but with an overpowering self-esteem.
What was I thinking?
Or am I delirious now and there was no chance whatsoever?

[Aiko]

they usually don't leave like that to go settle down and they don't let you leave like that to go settle down. triggers their intense fear of abandonment. "Please don't leave me we can work this out now", or "no im not leaving we can work this out now, pleassssse".  If you are successful in what you described finally, it's usually followed by tons of calls and texts to tell u how much of a jerk you are for abandoning them.
What you asked/described is how normal relationships have blowups, and set boundaries, and work things out.  Not with these people.

[JNChell]

Are you hurting and distraught from the relationship ending? Do you feel like you were abused by your ex? I’m also curious about your statement of boundaries being set by the man. Please elaborate further so the members here can better help you. I’m sorry about your situation.

[TurbanCowboy]

Mikey,

I had 10 year relationship come to an end, almost 6 year marriage.  I didn't know about personality disorders until this past October.

If it was as easy as you described, this board would not exist.

I at one point told my wife that if she was going down certain roads I was going to tell her to "change the station."  I did it for a little bit but it didn't last.

If she started with me I used to say "whatever" a fair amount.  This was always taken as I don't care.  I tried to diffuse the situation.

My wife once told me that if I didn't like fighting she couldn't be with me.  She said the relationship would be boring.  Sadly, if we weren't arguing the conversation generally was stale and boring. 

I did argue with her very early in the relationship, but my patience and temper got worse as the relationship progressed. 

I could not validate her nonsense, I refused to.  It was too important to me to point out why she was wrong or why her reasoning/logic was flawed.  In the end I think this exhausted my wife, it definitely exhausted me.

I could say I should have let more of this slide or validate her nonsense, but is that really a relationship?  Why should I settle for that?  How can you possibly have a healthy emotional bond with someone if you know they are full of crap and you have to let it slide time and time again? 

[Mikey26]

Thanks for replying. How did you manage to last 6 years, TurbanCowboy? Yeah, my BPDex did abuse, but I put that down to the fact that I myself allowed her to, JNChell, or that's what I've come to think. I was the one who was afraid, and muddled at the same time. I knew that the relationship would literally kill me but I was downright addicted to her.
I've been thinking that if I'd had THE attitude we would've had a healthy relationship eventually, so it hurts more now 'cos I feel as though I passed up the chance. Am I wrong, though?
Please do answer the following question, guys, and be blunt and/or raw: is she condemned to a life of misery? Isn't she going to get a lot better being on the verge of reaching her 40s (37)? Don't BPDs ever settle down (she'd just started treatment though she didn't seem particularly enthusiastic about it... .she couldn't even overcome her anorexia - nowhere near); don't they ever go like 'well, I'll soon be 40, I'm a big girl now so it's high time I conquered all this cr.p'?

[TurbanCowboy]

Thanks for replying. How did you manage to last 6 years, TurbanCowboy? Yeah, my BPDex did abuse, but I put that down to the fact that I myself allowed her to, JNChell, or that's what I've come to think. I was the one who was afraid, and muddled at the same time. I knew that the relationship would literally kill me but I was downright addicted to her.
I've been thinking that if I'd had THE attitude we would've had a healthy relationship eventually, so it hurts more now 'cos I feel as though I passed up the chance. Am I wrong, though?
Please do answer the following question, guys, and be blunt and/or raw: is she condemned to a life of misery? Isn't she going to get a lot better being on the verge of reaching her 40s (37)? Don't BPDs ever settle down (she'd just started treatment though she didn't seem particularly enthusiastic about it... .she couldn't even overcome her anorexia - nowhere near); don't they ever go like 'well, I'll soon be 40, I'm a big girl now so it's high time I conquered all this cr.p'?

I was 30 when we started dating and I was ready to have a serious relationship. My wife is very pretty, great body, could be very generous with me, hard worker, etc.  She had a very immature dark side however that I witnessed very early.  The first year together there were a handful of times I started packing my stuff and my car and we would always kiss and make up. I didn’t honestly want to go and I guess I probably enabled the behavior.  As the years went by I told her I would have to leave her if the physical stuff didn’t stop. She did get better with that, but the instigating fights and running to mommy didn’t.

My wife is already with another man. Do I think my wife will be better with him? Yes, for a period of time. They will work together, money will be a non issue, they will do things together.  I think because this started off as an emotional affair that she and him will be better friends and understand each other better in the beginning. My wife and I moved very quickly and I know her abandonment issues kicked in immediately and that she wasn’t as open with me in fear that I would reject her. I think she has been more open with this guy because she had me (her husband) to fall back on. No doubt I have been triangulated.

If they have kids things will go south I believe.
My wife is also obsessed with her outward appearance and I don’t think she will handle the aging process well and her insecurities will eventually kick into overdrive and wear on the guy.  He doesn’t have a history of stable relationships and when the honeymoon is over, she will begin questioning him and it will poison the relationship.

[Mikey26]

TurbanCowboy, it sounds like a more or less normal relationship. You were in control, weren't you? You did accurately convey that you wouldn't put up with cr.p, right, always keeping reassuringly calm? Did she have treatment? Did she respond well to it? 10 years! How did you pull it off? 10 years with a pwBPD! I'd give everything and more to attain that. My relationship lasted 6 months and I ended up with PTSD. You also sound as if you're a lot stronger than many of us here. Am I right? Have you dated other ladies since the b/u? Did/does that help? I haven't. I haven't been able to. My self-esteem has become non-existent. Literally. Worse than ever.
She was (is) also unhealthily obsessed with her appearance. Holy s... t, she looked unbelievably amazing at 37.
I'm doing all I can to move on. Gym. I've been keeping the hobbies (rollerblading and rock dancing) and passion (music) alive, which I nearly gave up during the relationship. Now I'm on holiday on my own. Thought it would be uplifting. It is, actually, but I still can't get her or the whole c.ap out of my head. I've seen mesmerising lakes and mountains in the Patagonia and the Scottish Loch Ness, I've been to Brazilian beaches that make your jaw drop, I've seen Toledo, York and their impressive style, London, Amsterdam, Barcelona, massive etc. All this put together do NOT compare with the good days with this lady.