How many bad traits is to many?

[Gunit1]

Mine over the relationship we had, though she was alresdy cheating red flag.
She was jealous, manipulative, compulsive liar, slight mood swings, self absorbed, everything about what she wanted, on her time. However she love bombed me for ages however there were times she pushed away, then came back days later and sucked me back in. Woukd say decided to stay with her bf, then come back and say this is to hard ect.

Once she was cheating again but now behind my back, she was lying,  projecting, gaslighting me, blamed me for all issues at the end and said I was crazy, jealous, manipulative, obsessive and it was scary to her? This was becuase I was onto her cheating and lying and questioned her and did say once it got nasty ill out her to her bf but mainly she got nasty Coz I was onto her. To the last day we spoke, never admitted the truth she was seeing another guy or that she dumped her bf behind me back. Just went evil, saw side her never seen before. Then it was over. She is now with guy knew she was seeing. Who would have thought.


This was confusing becuase the night before she cheated with 3rd person she still saying love u ect. Within weeks the rel went to complete crap like I meant nothing anymore after 15 months of lovey stuff, were fights throughout but nothing extreme. All sudden new guy, cut off completely. Left her 13 year rel and within 2 months already living with new guy.

I can't figure out what disorder fits the bill for her or if she's just s**ty personAnyone else had the same and have any answers? Or are some women just toxic and don't have a mental illness? Just wondering for future rels.

[Gunit1]

Some of common lies were, when she was drinking and how often (she drank a lot and loses control when drunk) lied bout where she lives and how much paid for her house, lied about where she was, flight times, who she was with and 2 months seeing guy behind my back and saying she was focusing on her relationship instead telling me the truth. Some lies didnt even need to be told, the truth was better. Lies when she was cheating I understand becuase she never wanted to admit that. She was still using me for sex for little longer.

[Mutt]

Hi Gunit1,



I’m not a professional I can’t diagnose your ex. A P resist diagnosing someone that they haven’t seen personally. We look at the behaviours and try not to get hung up on the pathology. How would you do things differently going into your next r/s? There must of been something that you liked abour ex if you were with her for 15 months?

[Gunit1]

Hi Gunit1,



I’m not a professional I can’t diagnose your ex. A P resist diagnosing someone that they haven’t seen personally. We look at the behaviours and try not to get hung up on the pathology. How would you do things differently going into your next r/s? There must of been something that you liked abour ex if you were with her for 15 months?

I know, guess just coming from people here what they think it would be or what classes to many traits as bad rel. Well I think we all know the trick they can have, love bombing, sucking you in, lying and manipulating so some things about them u love, and some things you thought you liked weren't even true until it all comes out later. Besides being selfish fair bit she was always lovey most the time when around until she got involved with another guy and then I got 2 months of being pushed away like I was now notbing.

[Gunit1]

I hear the new guy is alresdy being called a soul mate! I got that crap too. Isn't this another thing they do?

[Harley Quinn]

In direct response to your thread title, I'd say that how many bad traits is too many would be down to us as individuals to decide.  Nobody is perfect.  In an emotionally healthy relationship there might be traits that we don't like as much as others.  To a degree, it's normal to accept the good and the less desirable qualities in a partner IF values are agreed and aligned for the relationship.  The part that many of us have skipped at the outset of these relationships is a conversation about what is important to us in a relationship and clear boundaries drawn around these values. 

More importantly, the part where we, as the more 'emotionally healthy' partner recognise when these values are not being met by our partner and maintain our boundaries around these.  A large number of our relationships would not have continued past a certain point had we done this. 

So what was a deal breaker that you ignored?  On reflection, what does this tell you about where you might focus before entering another relationship?

Love and light x 

[Jeffree]

Gunit,

I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all answer to your question.

I presume on one hand, if "we" say she's BPD and give reasons why, you might be apt to think, "Ah, no wonder I got treated all those awful ways and why she's already on to the next savior. Definitely no matter what I did it was never going to be enough."

On the other hand, if "we" say while all those things she did to you were horrible, they don't seem to give a full indication of BPD, you might think, "Oh, she was just toxic, not batpoop crazy. Man, if only I could have done something differently maybe we could have stayed together."

Please correct either of the dialogues above, but the bottom line is that neither a definitive diagnosis or her day-to-day behaviors were those of a person you could have a long-term, safe relationship with.

Going forward, the best way to not experience something like this again would be to have a clear vision of what you want in a SO and not accept anything less.

J

[Gunit1]

I guess you can ignore some of the bad like alot of us on here have done with a person you think is BPD. But the worst came out once they have decided they are done with you but keep you around while they make sure the new person is fully set in.

I think it's a bit much to for someone to call you their soul mate and love of their life, then cheat and within month calling new guy their soul mate

[Harley Quinn]

That is hard to handle I'm sure.  One thing I made a point of doing was NOT keeping abreast of what my ex was doing and with whom.  Do you follow her on social media?  Is she living nearby?  Mutual friends?  One way to reduce your own pain and suffering is to turn your attention from her activities firmly onto yourself and your own healing.  How are you doing at working through the emotions?  What do you do with your free time that is just for you?

Love and light x

[Gunit1]

That is hard to handle I'm sure.  One thing I made a point of doing was NOT keeping abreast of what my ex was doing and with whom.  Do you follow her on social media?  Is she living nearby?  Mutual friends?  One way to reduce your own pain and suffering is to turn your attention from her activities firmly onto yourself and your own healing.  How are you doing at working through the emotions?  What do you do with your free time that is just for you?

Love and light x

I'm overly but I hear things as we arent far apart when it comes to work. Although no one can confirm her issues. It's safe to say someone who did everything she has and did do is toxic and someone who is cheating on their long term bf while still trying to have a baby with him at the same time is very messed up. I guess for me putting a label on it helps. Coz never experienced what I went through with her before. Very diff ending and feeling.

[Harley Quinn]

How are you feeling about things now that you have attached the label?  Does it make it less painful to be able to explain the behaviour? 

Love and light x

[Gunit1]

How are you feeling about things now that you have attached the label?  Does it make it less painful to be able to explain the behaviour? 

Love and light x

Not sure to be honest. Think just takes time. Just wanted understanding. I actually saw her go past in area she was only in when seeing me so no doubt she is already cheating again. Been about 4 months so spark prob dying out slightly.