Tracking my feelings as I figure out what I want/how to change my life

[AskingWhy]

pearlsw, I don't know what to say except I know how you feel.  Living with a BPD partner is a painful experience that only those who've experienced it can truly understand. 

My uBPD/uNPD H has threatened divorce, threatened to burn the house down, raged in front of the small grandchildren (scaring them), punched holes in the walls, broken door handles and abandoned me in a car after a medical procedure in the middle of traffic.

It gets old after awhile.

As for airing your private concerns with his family, this is so typical.  pwBPD have no boundaries.  I found out my H was complaining about me to his adult children, who then made no secret of the "abuse" I heaped on their father.  This caused a lot of drama, and H said it was really my fault that he had to confide his unhappiness to them.

I can't understand the twisted logic of the distorted thinking of a pwBPD.

[Red5]

Pearls and Red5,
What would happen if you didn’t feel obligation?

That’s my conundrum due to my belief system... .I married her, and made a promise... .the “O” has me stymied... .and the “G” keeps me here, but if SHE left, I would not try to change her mind... .ever see the old Steve McQuin movie called the “Great Escape”... .the scene where the gestopo drops off the British Officer at the Stalog 13 camp, and when they are gone, and he knows he is now somewhat safe, he sighs and sinks against the wall... .well that’s how I’d feel if u/BPDw left me... .I would hope that she had a good plan, and security, but I’d be quite relieved if she were to leave... .on her own,

Red5

[pearlsw]

That’s my conundrum due to my belief system ... .I married her, and made a promise ... .the “O” has me stymied ... .and the “G” keeps me here, but if SHE left, I would not try to change her mind ... .ever see the old Steve McQuin movie called the “Great Escape” ... .the scene where the gestopo drops off the British Officer at the Stalog 13 camp, and when they are gone, and he knows he is now somewhat safe, he sighs and sinks against the wall... .well that’s how I’d feel if u/BPDw left me ... .I would hope that she had a good plan, and security, but I’d be quite relieved if she were to leave ... .on her own,

Red5

i hear ya! personally i have gone through every possible emotion. i don't quit stuff easily. i persist. i work. i don't give up. in some areas of life this is good. i am in a part of the world that has changed me and limits my usual options/ways of operating. all is much slower. less in my control.

i am in a holding pattern. i know this will be decided this year though. it will be all in or over. there are legal deadlines forcing this. and personal dreams calling... .

[pearlsw]

pearlsw, I don't know what to say except I know how you feel.  Living with a BPD partner is a painful experience that only those who've experienced it can truly understand. 

It gets old after awhile.

As for airing your private concerns with his family, this is so typical.  pwBPD have no boundaries. 

oh yes. it's been hard because i am a private person, like to handle my own problems. in some ways i am also very open i should say too... .an odd mix i guess. but i like me... . thank goodness. no matter what he says or does i hold on to reality for dear life.

today i feel sad for him. his mood is very low again. i just pray i can get him help.

[Cat Familiar]

today i feel sad for him. his mood is very low again. i just pray i can get him help.

This is the problem with being a nice person. It keeps one "addicted" to trying to help.

I had to embrace my "inner narcissist" which was really difficult for me because all my life I thought it was my "job" to keep my loved ones happy and healthy.

Interestingly, once I started focusing on me and my own needs, conflicts lessened and my life got a whole lot better. I'll always care, but now I've learned I have to care more for myself.

[DaddyBear77]

and personal dreams calling... .

Hey pearls, I know you've got a lot on your plate (we put the O in F.O.G.)! But I'm wondering, have you thought about what it would be like to make an independent plan with steps you can / will take toward fulfilling these dreams, with or without a romantic partner?

[pearlsw]

Hey pearls, I know you've got a lot on your plate (we put the O in F.O.G.)! But I'm wondering, have you thought about what it would be like to make an independent plan with steps you can / will take toward fulfilling these dreams, with or without a romantic partner?

Thanks for checking in DB. I appreciate the kindness. I had a pretty good plan formulated but dysfunction in the larger family crashed it. I haven't had the nerve to entirely rebuild it. I have to remember, despite my tendency towards independence/isolation, I do have a big family that can/would help. They are all strong and would be there... .I have just literally never in my life asked anything of them. At all.

I feel like I'm swinging back towards obligation. It is all that feels clear for me. Him sick = me help. Him better = ?

He asked me yesterday if I hate him, said I must, have plenty of reasons to. I don't though. I also am not... .happy. I can't be at peace with him, not truly. But I signed on for this... .I feel like I may be going down with the ship... .I may pull out of this in a day or two... .we'll see. Starting to resign myself to an unhappy life.

I think he will not let me go... .I didn't fight his last break up threat at all and it was... .it evaporated like the snow outside... .I'm still here and it is hard to see a path out... .or a point.

[DaddyBear77]

First, 

I think he will not let me go

Yes, I agree completely. I don't think he will let you go, either. He's learned pretty clearly by example that he can treat you in some of the most extreme ways, and you'll still come back and make sure he gets the help he needs.

I'm still here and it is hard to see a path out... .or a point.

Pearls, you're on a huge roller coaster right now - just going back and reading through this one particular thread, it's so clear how much of an up and down cycle this whole situation drags you though.

You know there's a path. There are many many paths, in fact. Caring for someone is one thing, but giving up your dreams and enduring such hardships with no end in sight - I'm not sure that's what you really want to do. Are you?

[Jeffree]

Starting to resign myself to an unhappy life.

Ah ha! And that's the problem most of us here seem to accept until even we can't take it any longer... .this idea that nobody promised us a rose garden. Well nobody promised us a crown of thorns either!

Even WITHOUT a BPD partner life is difficult. Switching religions (!), the Buddhists say, "Life is suffering."

However, there are eight attitudes or paths to follow to find freedom from suffering. These are the "right" or correct things to do in your life:

Right view
Right intention
Right speech
Right action
Right livelihood
Right effort
Right mindfulness
Right concentration

This is the way to reach Nirvana.

Interestingly, it does not say that you should go down with the ship of another. The above 8 credos reminds me of the Serenity Prayer.

C'mon, Pearl... .life might be suffering, but not a complete and utter misery laying to waste your dreams in an attempt to navigate your pwBPD to safer shores.  

Use your serenity to accept that which you can't change.

J

[pearlsw]

Starting to resign myself to an unhappy life.

Ah ha! And that's the problem most of us here seem to accept until even we can't take it any longer... .this idea that nobody promised us a rose garden. Well nobody promised us a crown of thorns either!

Even WITHOUT a BPD partner life is difficult. Switching religions (!), the Buddhists say, "Life is suffering."

However, there are eight attitudes or paths to follow to find freedom from suffering. These are the "right" or correct things to do in your life:

This is the way to reach Nirvana.

Interestingly, it does not say that you should go down with the ship of another. The above 8 credos reminds me of the Serenity Prayer.

C'mon, Pearl... .life might be suffering, but not a complete and utter misery laying to waste your dreams in an attempt to navigate your pwBPD to safer shores.  

Use your serenity to accept that which you can't change.

J

hey thanks! you're great!   i haven't had time to listen to any dharma talks in the last days. i wrote this after a long, sleepless night... .of feeling like i might never have a peaceful, easy love in my life. my "h" does his best, but it is not easy, and it hurts so much. it hurts me a lot to see how much he both LOVES and HATES me. i also, after hatching a plan to get outta here, had my plan blow up in my face. life keeps spinning around and sometimes i can't think clearly or have a private moment even! it makes it hard to think... .and then the walls start closing in... .but my mind is strong and i'm gonna make it. i have a lot of internal happiness i should have said. if i don't have love outside of me loving myself i'll be fine with that too.  

[BeagleGirl]

Pearl,
My apologies if you've already addressed this, but I'm wondering if there is any "in between" option for you, like physical separation while remaining married.  I seem to remember you saying that wasn't an option, but wanted to double check. 
BG

[Cat Familiar]

I also am not... .happy. I can't be at peace with him, not truly. But I signed on for this... .I feel like I may be going down with the ship... .I may pull out of this in a day or two... .we'll see. Starting to resign myself to an unhappy life.


These words really got to me, Pearl. It's like you're signing up for martyr-hood. There's some heavy-duty obligation here. Are you absolutely sure this is what you want? Or are you feeling a knee-jerk duty to respond to his moods?

And you say "he won't let me go"--this sounds like enslavement.

Speaking as someone who freed herself from a twenty year marriage to an abuser, I understand how difficult it can appear to regain one's freedom. I was totally enmeshed, sharing a business that made very little money, owning property together. I had no idea how I could get free, but I did it step by step and it wasn't easy, but it was doable.

I'm not saying you should extract yourself, but your words I quoted sound like you've thrown in the towel.

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi Pearlsw,
I totally relate to your number 3!  I had one of those experiences this past fall, and it was magical.  I have kept it in my memory, ever since.  It is my imaginary safe place, where I can detach from what is going on realistically, and imagine what that felt like, the memory of that conversation. 

It has also been a tool for me, to help me be the best version of myself, even living married to my uBPDh.  I think, what would I do right now, if I were married to the other one? What is the best version of me?  I see those choices, and then choose them. Like, a choice to clean the kitchen or make a meal.  I can do that, with the backdrop in my heart of feeling loved, and appreciated.  I can choose my own values, based on being treated with dignity and strength, rather than insulted and weak.  It has helped me find my true values, and act on those, rather than be so affected by the ick that is my marriage.

Its a matter of what I give thought to, in the spaces in my thought.  I have to be careful, to stay with reality, and not allow myself to indulge in imagining life with the #3. fellow, but only as it serves to help me remember what it feels like to live my best self and define my own personal values.

Dig

[pearlsw]

Hey Dig,

So nice to see you having a strong presence on the boards! That's super!

Hey sorry! I can't always update and so much has happened and is happening! My life is a bit too crisis-y lately.

Um, thanks for the thumbs up on #3! He was dreamy as can be. I think #4 might be an even better all-around awesome choice if I ever get to that open place in my heart again! But who knows... .

But for now... .I am here... .always, always wishing for the best. It is so hard to watch your dreams die... .feeling like there has to be something more you could do! Sometimes you just have to let things go... .

I'm a bit sad these days... .but I want to believe better things will come.

thank you for writing! makes me so happy! and again, so sorry if i have missed others replies. i will catch up as soon as i can! 

[RolandOfEld]

Hi pearls, I'm so sorry you're sad, friend. I'm preparing for a break myself so I'm right there with you in the crisis pit.  

I've also been having dreams / fantasies about finding someone new or reconnecting with someone old. I used to guilt myself for this sort of thing but now I take it as my heart opening to the belief of having a real relationship some day, maybe with my wife or maybe with someone else. Life is long if we're lucky and all things are possible. Let's never give up on real happiness!

Hugs, ROE  

[pearlsw]

Hey ROE,

How sweet of you! You have always been supportive around here and I greatly appreciate that! 

I try to keep positive, I think I'm gonna be hit by waves of sadness and that urge to make things work is a hard one to let go of... .I know I can let go at some point, but... .I just feel like I'm losing to an illness and this isn't what we would want if we could just get the right help... .We got him to a doctor, but just for a referral and have not been able to find anyone to take him on as a patient. All is so slow here... .and it feels like we've nearly run out of time... .

I'm only partially caught up on your story... .It is hard for me to get online... .I can really only get on here when he is upset and not talking to me... .other than that he is very clingy/attached lately... .

Yes, let's never give up on real happiness! Glad we have each other to keep cheering each other on in life!

many hugs to you and all!     warmly, pearl.